Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

@StarlightSparkle

I had a few more matches today but two of them unmatched me before I even had chance to send them a message! Bloody charming!!

Better luck tomorrow, perhaps...

It's just a bit of a numbers game really isn't it. Keep the chin up and swipe in.

My date tomo asked if I wanted to go to a car boot sale. I don't fancy an hour plus drive there and back with a stranger. I wonder do men realise what they are asking.

Anyway I told him to get onto me when he is back and we'll go from there.

Few more matches today but radio silence so far. I do my filtering pre swiping whereas I think some men do it post match. I think if they are interested they will message.

A long drive with a complete stranger definitely sounds awkward. Maybe he thought he was being incredibly original by suggesting that.

Hope it goes well tomorrow! I’ve not gotten any more matches yet today. I am chatting to one guy but he literally sends one message a day so it hardly seems worth it!

I think you might be right about a lot of men reading profiles properly after they’ve matched.

Hi. Ended up having to reschedule. So I just went on a hike and a spin around with my friend instead.

Will do some swiping again this evening. See what pops up.

One message a day is very meh isn't it. Can't get any bit of momentum going with that.

I read somewhere that Sunday night in the best time to swipe as that is when there is peak traffic. What app are you using NowYou?

Looking at hiking shoes instead 😂 Might have more luck.

I use tinder. Tried bumble but thought it was annoying that they paid no attention to distance settings.

What do you use?

Originally I was on OKC as liked the fact you had to answer questions and it tried to match you with people who answered similarly, but haven’t had much luck so now trying Tinder. A lot of matches never contact me and others go dead after 1 or 2 messages.

Same here. I think most people have the same experience. As my mother says it's only takes one'.

It’s grim and it gets worse as you get older.

The day I finally came to the decision to end the quest was probably the most liberating of my life. I am now happy single with a lovely house, 2 dogs and lots of friends. Bliss.

OP I was 43 when I met DH on Tinder.

All I can say is that messaging is the stuff of the devil. DO NOT put any importance at all on message frequency or quality from a TOTAL STRANGER.

People can be crap texters but fantastic in person and vice versa.

BE BRAVE. Dont swipe on anyone you would not go on a date with if they turned up at your door that very same day. Dont be charitable, dont try and get to know someone by text. Tinder is all about looks and thats FINE. Pick on attraction first, then set up a meet, then see if the sparks fly in real life. WASTE NO TIME at all texting strangers back and forth. It really shouldnt take more than 10 texts to establish a meet. If that doesnt happen, delete and move on to the next one.

I have more tips but i don't want to spam you

Following with interest - recently had my first and worst OLD experience and turned 40 in the middle of it. Before resigning myself to online I'd met a few guys I really clicked with but when they found out my age and that I have a DS they vanished

Bater, your life sounds lovely! I am actually happy on my own and don’t miss living with my husband or feel I ‘need’ a man. It would be nice to meet someone I had a spark with though - it’s been well over a decade since my last date (split up with ex last year.) I may well end up jacking it in at some point if I have no success.

Gilda, it’s good to hear a success story! Happy to hear more tips!!

Kinky, I’m sorry you’ve had people doing disappearing acts - that’s horrible. I worry about that happening to me. On one site I’ve put I have kids and that’s the one I seem to get lots of matches who never contact me. Perhaps that is why.

@StarlightSparkle Gilda153 has good advice and you seem to have the right attitude...

In terms of children, do not ever think they would be a ‘problem’ for anyone. If they are, then they are not right anyway. I used to worry a lot that me having kids would be a real issue. And if I didn’t have it on my profile, I would make sure I told them I had kids before we arranged a date. Which can sometimes be awkward as the question never came up before the date is arranged (my philosophy was agree to a date if asked as I have realised I have ‘sparked’ with people in real life I never expected to!) and then when I have made it sure my date knew, the reactions I got varied widely but it has never been negative.

I do have that listed on the profiles that allow it but some (like Tinder) I don’t. Anyway what I have learned is this: if you having kids ‘matter’ to someone, they would ask before a date is arranged anyway most of the time! The few times I have gone on a date when I haven’t had a chance to tell them, I would of course mention that I have kids in the course of the conversation and basically, the reactions have been ‘oh it doesn’t matter if you have kids’, ‘I assumed you did anyway’ and I did have one date who was surprised I had kids as he made the assumption I was a ‘career’ woman (and career women don’t have kids?) but it didn’t bother him as he has 4! 😂 So don’t worry about that and have fun. Your kids are only a ‘problem’ if you let it be a problem and that’s not a great starting point. I feel I have a lot to offer as a date/person so if the man can’t see beyond ‘I have kids’, they are wankers anyway.

The men I am currently seeing: one has never had kids and doesn’t want to, one has a few by two different mothers, one has mixture of step and bio children and one has a grown up child. All have not been ‘put off’ by the fact I have kids. So enjoy the dating!

Reading this thread is interesting from a male perspective as I now realise its just as difficult for you ladies. I kind of assumed online dating was more weighted towards the ladies as I'm concious you get a lot of messages etc.

Just speaking as a male who has done a bit of online dating over the last year or so, one common thing I find with someone I've had a few dates with is they have a 'friend'. This friend is male, single and seems to be prepared to do anything for them. Spend their Saturday sorting their car, travel hours to help them set up at a holiday camping site (before disappearing) and then coming back to help pack up at the end of the holiday. This person though is only a friend (in one of these cases said 'friend' impregnated her about a month after we'd last been in touch)!

I wish I had one of those ‘friends’. I wouldn’t need to bother with OLD then!

Morning all. I am happily single. I don't feel like my life isn't complete without a man but at the same time it would be nice to meet someone great.

I'm looking for someone to settle with and not for. If that doesn't come along that's totally fine.

Twoboys I have no children and my preference would be to meet someone in the same boat. I don't think that makes me a wanker!

Safe that is fairly odd. I don't know a single single woman who has a 'friend' that would do that.

I've known lots of single women who have their ever hopeful ever present male friend who will do anything for them, my DD included. I've explained to her that it's probably quite off-putting to potential bfs but it suits her, and him. She's 18 though and truly young free and single 😍

nowyoulisten if you're truly happy single and feel complete (not doubting that) that just be a hard push off point to be arsed to date. How can anyone compliment your life if your self contained and self sufficient emotionally. Its probably a great place to be in life but hard to date?

Must not just.

@NowYouListenToMeFella Sorry, that wasn't what I meant! I think it's okay to have preferences. I just think if that was important to you to date someone who has NO children, you would ask the other party BEFORE the date. And fair enough, if you discount them then. No harm done! But for those with us with kids, then meeting someone like you who doesn't want kids, would simply be a waste of time on all counts and what's what I mean.

Nowyoulisten I know its odd but its happened with the last three including current person Im dating. I think if I had a similar friend it would be a yellow/red flad and I'd understand why!

Safe is it a friend with benefits or just some fella hanging around doing jobs and hoping one day the scales will fall from her eyes and she realises she loves him?

Thanks two. I wouldn't go on a date before sussing that out. Have gotten a fair bit of abuse from men for my stance so perhaps a bit sensitive about it.

Gilda I am only back on the apps about two weeks so am currently arsed about it. Lord knows that could change quickly. I have a happy life but am missing the intimacy that comes as part of a couple.

I really like Gildeas advice.
Having children is part of you and who you are so if someone has a issue with that then it's not a fit.
Age is only a number unless it is a huge gap then it can be important by looking at varying ages you may find what your preferences are as your sifting through profiles or swiping, tweaking your profile.
Keep the messaging to a limit then meeting in person keeps it real and you can judge how you feel in person.

Coffee and no day trips so you can keep it comfortable and continue on with something else if you are a match in person
OLD is a smorgasbord of all sorts of men.
If you are ghosted, I would look at it as a possible good thing.
And Friends are great! Ha.
Ask and you will find one I'm sure

Nowyoulisten Its not FWB so I suppose the latter.

Actually I need a female perspective tive on something. Can I ask without fear of getting ripped to shreds :)

Ask away.

Nowyoulisten - ok I'll try and keep rambling to a minimum but for context...

Weve had three dates and been messaging pretty much every day since Mid June. We had a skype call before first date as well just to get a feel for each other. Anyway whilst its been only three dates weve talked a lot and I think we're in a position where we feel this will turn in to something. Last date (Saturday just gone) ended with a snog and she said for date 4 she's coming my way on. We've both got kids and have talked around all thr practicalities etc.

She's on holiday soon so next meet up will be a week Saturday. As shes going away we have discussed options for next date allowing for dodgy weather. Ive suggested a few options including mine. Shes said shes fine with all of them.

So.. I think we're close to DTD. Nearer the time i was going to suggest two options (weather dependent). Eg park and a meal or mine. If weather is bad cinema or mine. I was going to add a little innuendo but at the same try to convey that Im happy whatever we do (which I genuinely am). I think she wants me to take the lead on this but then Im not the most experienced so not sure how good an idea this is.