Online dating in your 40s

[StarlightSparkle]

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

Are cinemas open again now?

misses point

Cinema by me reopening soon

Safe why don't you offer to cook her dinner at yours and see what she thinks.

Communication seems quite good so would you not chat about DTD and what both of your expectations are around that.

You've already offered her options and she's said she'd be fine coming to yours. More options could make you sound a bit indecisive.
I wouldn't personally go for innuendo as such - maybe something like "We could go to the cinema then back to mine. You're welcome to stay over, no pressure though."

I'm in my 40's, not bad for my age, two children, no support. Got lots of likes (nice for confidence levels) and then exactly the same experience, the men just don't want to talk. I actually ended up having a bit of fun with it and being outrageous with the one's who were just dire conversationalists. How they function in real life I don't know.

I have been fortunate enough to meet someone (Match.com).

I found Badoo quite good for lots of messaging, ended up having a good conversation with a Dom in a relationship. At least he was a) very open and honest (refreshing) and b) a good conversationalist.

Keep going but take breaks when it gets too much. And yes...as a PP said, wine, lots of wine.

Thanks ladies. I think I'm clear now on how to approach.

And don't think that the more you pay, the better it gets. As a joke a friend sent an enquiry on my behalf to a 'match making agency.' They wanted £11,500 joining fee. And they were like a dog with a bone. They wouldn't give up trying to make me join. So I told them I'm picky. Age, no kids, minimum salary (at least to match mine), looks, etc. They said they'd have at least someone. When they looked they got back to me saying there may be a suitable guy in Dubai. But that really, I shouldn't be so picky. I saw red - they charge £11,500 joining fee, they are having their first conversation with me, and they tell me I shouldn't be so picky? It goes without saying I didn't speak to them again. I've been on various sites and had a couple of relationships. Now in one that's been going on for two years. Nothing earth shattering but we care about each other, enjoy seeing each other's friends and families, have fun, and a great intimate life.

@safeordangerous

Thanks ladies. I think I'm clear now on how to approach.

That's good safe. Hope it goes well for you.

Any swiping done today StarlightSparkle?

Have done a little and matched with one guy who has struck up conversation. We’ll see if it gets past 2 or 3 exchanges before silence! Haven’t heard from the ‘one message a day’ guy since yesterday morning. How about you?

Sebo, well done on meeting someone! I may well try Match at some point once the free ones are exhausted. I’ll add Badoo to the list!

Wine definitely a good idea - going to pour myself a glass now!

Not much swiping here. I was watching Married at First Sight. Will have a quick burst now. I did get a message asking hoy week has been. Eh it's Monday!

Fingers crossed the texting doesn't Peter out with new guy.

It has petered out with the new guy. 🙄 At least I haven’t heard from him from more than 24 hours.

I set up a profile on bumble and had some matches but hesitating with what to message to them as I don’t seem to having much luck with messaging! Any tips?!

Evening. Lazy me would do a hi, how are you? as a first message on bumble. If they are interested they'l reply. If not you haven't spent ages crafting a message.

Any word from your iron since?

Hi NowYou, no nothing at all from him.

I did manage to have a real time chat with a new match yesterday though. So much more enjoyable than the stilted once a day messages and we seemed to hit it off! He said he would message me later so we’ll see.

How about you - any luck swiping?

Hi, can I join in as in a similar position, although 50 🙄
I've been on the dating thread but it moves so fast I can't keep up plus people on there actually go on dates whereas I can't get that far like others on this thread.
I came out of a 20 year marriage 2 years ago after my exh had an affair, had a year on my own and joined Match last autumn, scared witless after being with the same guy for over 25 years!
In the space of about 6 weeks I had 3 matches that turned into dates, the date with the third guy we clicked and had a lovely casual but exclusive relationship until he relocated 200 miles away with his job earlier this year. We carried on long distance and then lockdown kicked in and it all faded away. We parted on good terms but I do miss him and miss what we had when he lived nearby.
I have an early teen DC who I have 2/3rds if the time, I don't want anyone involved in his life for now (ex has done that with the OW and I've had to deal with the fallout) I don't want anyone moving in for the foreseeable but I'd love to have someone to see once or twice a week, go out to dinner, drinks, just hang out and some sex! This is what we had and it was perfect, both of us were happy with that as he was in a similar position out of a longer relationship but with older children.
This time I'm on Match and Bumble but after 6 weeks no dates, minimal conversations and then they just disappear or get removed from the site.
I'm a young 50, very fit and active. My profile reflects this and that I'd like to meet someone similar. I attract the very young, the very old and the chancers! It was so easy last year, not so much this year.
Maybe I got lucky, fingers crossed the same can happen for all of us!

Welcome Viva. That sounds like a lovely tone with that guy. Pity it has fizzled out over lockdown.

Two matches last night and one started chatting. Was late and we had a huge storm here so internet was patchy. Let's see if it picks up today.

That's good Starlight that you have someone who is a bit of a more prolific texter. Once a day is no good at all really.

I matched with a guy late last night, similar age, lots in common, exchanged a few messages, this morning he has suspended his profile 🙄
I have been messaging another match since Saturday, he's not suggested meeting up, I think I might have to, I know from experience sometimes it's just not there (on either side) in the flesh. He's new to online dating after a long marriage.

Without sounding shallow - all the men I came across were not very attractive. Yes I'm picky but you are more likely to see a decent-looking man in the street than you are on dating sites. And they don't make an effort with their pictures either. Whereas I've heard women are all dolled up in their profile images. I don't have kids, have a nice, fairly big home, a second home, and my own business. To try and find someone in a similar position was nearly impossible. I am now with someone I am enjoying spending time with but it's not what I was 'hoping' to find. We do have fun together though and share some of the same interests so he was a good 'find.'

Hi can I join? Just to sadly say I have had lots of bad luck with all the sites recently. I think where I live it is the same faces on the paid and non paid sites . I had a recent date with someone from Badoo actually although that site is full of dick pics and married so beware. We were chatting a few weeks then met for a coffee. All was good got on well even arranged date 2. Which was about 6 days later some texting so I asked what we might do . He left me on read for two days. When it came to the actual day I texted asking where to meet and that I think it’s rude to leave me on read. He made an excuse then left me on read again . We didn’t meet then I saw he blocked me do people think that s a weird way to behave? Just wondered people s thoughts

I'm in same boat as you. Have 2 children that I have most of the time and late 40's.
Had lots of likes but no messages in inbox.
Only been on it a few days but already thinking I can't be bothered. Lots of men my age looked really old and really frumpy. Plenty of likes but no one can even be bothered to send a message

Welcome Viva, Msyo & Mondeo!

It’s all very frustrating and depressing. My matches on OKC never seem to message me and the ‘one message a day’ guy has now become the ‘one message every 3 days’ guy. I’m not going to bother writing to him anymore especially as he’s never asked me a single question about myself!

I really don’t understand people’s behaviour but I suppose there is a whole plethora of reasons why they never message or do message but suddenly go quiet and it’s not worth trying to work out why. I think the people that say forget about it and keep swiping have them right idea and taking a break from all the apps when it gets too much is a good idea.

Prior to marriage and children I found it quite easy to meet people as I had a very active social life and would meet people through friends, at parties, etc but now I’ve got two primary aged children who I have the majority of the time so I don’t see any other way I would meet someone other than OLD.

@StarlightSparkle it’s a difficult time at the moment as well with all the virus worries and restrictions , I m like you with limited time as well . We have to be more choosy who we give our time and be clear with what we want and will put up with . Many men on these sites are on their for an ego boost and say they want a relationship when they really want casual sex I m finding it all boring and frustrating to be honest

@MondeoFan

I'm in same boat as you. Have 2 children that I have most of the time and late 40's. Had lots of likes but no messages in inbox. Only been on it a few days but already thinking I can't be bothered. Lots of men my age looked really old and really frumpy. Plenty of likes but no one can even be bothered to send a message

Mondeo. I would just say stick with it. Its the same from a male perspective in that you give it a few days and feel disheartened. But I think the trick is to not get too carried away with the initial likes etc and then maybe a couple of weeks of being on a site someone may strike up a conversation and you click. With OLD it's really random. The woman I'm currently dating contacted me about two days before her subscription was up. We maybe had half a dozen messages and she gave me her number I suspect more in hope than any expectation but two months on and we're going good.

I understand some of the comments thinking that men just want casual sex (yes and Im sure a few do! ). At the same time I suspect there are a lot like me that work full-time, have the kids at least every other weekend and often a day on their non weekend. It doesnt leave as much time as we'd like for a relationship but trust me we do.

Bloody nightmare dating in your 40's - I'm 48 and have been doing this on and off since I was 35 - was a bit easier when 35 but now it seems like the types of men who like me are either players, too old etc or just not interested.

Have had the odd bit of attention via meeting people through interests but this can be very on and off and then you run the risk of whether you want the interest group to know what you're up to.

Funnily enough - it didn't go anywhere but a few years ago in early 40's was in communal garden of new posh flats a friend had moved into - we were just chilling in the early evening summer sun sharing drink and snacks when some guys from one of the nearby flats - one had recently moved in - very friendly and ended up dating one of them for a year. There were 2 of us women and about 6 men! They actually said that a lot of women in that area were very glam when they went out and were like in packs which put them off a bit - so to see us relaxed and not out 'sharking' made them more appealing to them. My friend actually got a shots drinking game from her flat to play with them which went down well.

@SunshineChatter

And don't think that the more you pay, the better it gets. As a joke a friend sent an enquiry on my behalf to a 'match making agency.' They wanted £11,500 joining fee. And they were like a dog with a bone. They wouldn't give up trying to make me join. So I told them I'm picky. Age, no kids, minimum salary (at least to match mine), looks, etc. They said they'd have at least someone. When they looked they got back to me saying there may be a suitable guy in Dubai. But that really, I shouldn't be so picky. I saw red - they charge £11,500 joining fee, they are having their first conversation with me, and they tell me I shouldn't be so picky? It goes without saying I didn't speak to them again. I've been on various sites and had a couple of relationships. Now in one that's been going on for two years. Nothing earth shattering but we care about each other, enjoy seeing each other's friends and families, have fun, and a great intimate life.

no way, I paid for Match etc and had just the same amount of idiots than with free sites. A couple of friends joined more expensive sites and said the same - no better guys just because you pay more. In fact my last serious OH was from OKCupid and he was the loveliest man ever - just didn't communicate that well.

That’s not good to hear about the paid sites - signing up to those was my back-up plan if nothing came of the free sites!