Need help with DD and her mental health?

[Userandmuser]

I am very confused right now. My DD18 has always been difficult and an angry person towards me and it’s getting a lot worse. I’m not an angel or perfect and I tend to bite back sometimes when I am tired or had too much of it. I also try to make peace and find resolutions too and have tried to get her help.

Lockdown has not helped the situation she is frustrated all the time although she is quite independent she is going though a phase where she really really hates me. I really do not know what is real or not anymore and if she needs help or if she is punishing me to an extreme level.

When she is unhappy with me I am often unaware there is a problem or I have done anything and she will begin to verbally attack me, this starts off with small jabs and jibes and comments and escalates to shouting. The whole time I am trying to listen, de-escalate and not fight back with her but to diffuse, talk and calm down with firm boundaries.

Whenever I challenge her to explain herself (even when she is calm) so I can understand the issue she will leave the discussion and refuse to engage anymore - so I am not getting anywhere and nothing is ever discussed or resolved. When I tell her something is not true, this makes her more angry.

Last night I saw my boyfriend. DD will not allow my boyfriend to come to our house when she is home so I went out as I do not want to fight over it. DD does not know him but he is a nice man. I had not seen him since Saturday - I see him once or twice a week max. The whole rest of the week I am at work or at home. DD was not home all day (I had worked from home) as she was out at the beach. DD was very angry I was not at home that evening although I had let her know about it, and she wasn’t home till late.

Today started off that I text her at 8.30am in the morning from work to ask her about her course results from college and to let me know when she got them. She usually has her phone on silent all the time. I sent it before a meeting in case she got them early and as a ‘good luck’ message. She was asleep and angry that the message woke her up. She sent some angry texts. She got the results, we discussed it on text, I was happy for her and said I was proud and then she changed the subject to ask me what was for dinner. DD refuses to cook food and was then angry about dinner and that I might cook something she doesn’t like.

Tonight I came home from a long day at work with a headache. She did not come downstairs to say hi as she was in the shower. I went upstairs to lie on my bed and she came in to me angry I had not spoken to her about her results when I got home. I apologised and tried to talk to her which she shut down and left. I nodded off as I had a headache and was tired, with the intention to get up and cook dinner in a while.

DD has come into my room, screamed at me for being asleep, marched around the house shouting, began to cook dinner for herself but cooked half of it then threw it all in the bin.

The reasons for being angry with me:

• I haven’t been home for 3 days. This is not even true in any way - I have either been working or at home since Saturday. Or working from home. I went out once last night.

• I never cook anything. As DD never cooks, I’ve cooked everything for 18 years

• I never do any housework and she does everything - this is also so untrue. She does very little

• I never asked her about college and showed no interest. Which I did

• All I care about is boyfriend and I keep trying to make her meet him. Also not true. And it was ok for him to kindly put her TV on the wall last month but then she demanded he leave immediately

• it was ok to wake me up because I ‘shake her awake’ every morning when I go to work. This does not happen

I’m worried about these things she accuses me of, because she seems to really believe they are true and is so angry about them and they are not reality. I am confused over whether she really believes them to be true? And she won’t talk about them with me when I try to get to the bottom of it or find a resolution.

I am sitting in my car in the rain because I couldn’t sleep my headache off, she threw all the food away I could have cooked and then accused me of these things and I don’t know what to do.

I behaved like your daughter at her age. It was because I felt neglected and my mum could not do anything right in the end as I interpreted her every move as against me or neglecting me, even if in fact she wasn’t. I would have thought you going to sleep meant you didn’t care about my results. I would have felt like you weren’t there if you had been at work and then with boyfriend even if you had in fact been there over this time as well as doing those things.

It sounds very hard but I feel the only way you can move forwards is to show her you are present, not in a way that looks like you are making a point...ie outside of an argument and when you are back on speaking terms, maybe instigate a shopping day with her to celebrate results? Show her you actively want to have nice occasions with her. She will probably still behave irrationally but over time will be more rational and trusting. It sounds over the top but I am almost certain she feels left out - whether that is true or she is being sensitive is irrelevant really... it is obviously how she feels.

I’m sure people will post saying she is a brat but speaking as an 18 year old that lashed out in this way, all I wanted was to feel my mum had genuine interest in me. And she did but at the time she didn’t show it in a way that I could appreciate. You’ve obviously not done anything wrong from what you’ve said but for her she needs more directed attention and that could start to resolve things in my humble opinion!

Thank you. I am so desperate for some help and I appreciate your response. I have tried these things but nothing is ever enough it feels like and I less and less want to spend any time with her as she is so unpredictable and ruins a day out or occasion very rapidly and horribly. I took her to Cambridge last year it was a lovely day out, she got angry with me about something and went missing on purpose for half an hour. I took her shopping a few weeks ago and slowly it degenerated into hell over a couple of hours. Something short is better and more manageable but often she will reject me every time I try to make suggestions. Even walking the dog she will start disagreeing with me about absolutely nothing and then storm off home and now she won’t come at all. It feels like she wants me to be unemployed, single, never ill or have any of my own emotions and then it would be fine. But that is not how life works. I feel guilty about everything I do and any independence I have because I know she feels rejected

I am feeling guilty that I didn’t cook her a lovely dinner tonight or get a takeaway celebration or something. I should have done that. Maybe that’s what she is upset about. I was so tired and groggy after work and was meaning to cook but I could have made more effort. It wasn’t A level results by the way and this is the first year of 2 year course so it’s not the end of the course yet, she also didn’t seem bothered much so I perhaps played it down too much?

Would she go to family counselling with you? Maybe phrasing it as you want to have a better relationship with her and having an independent person there can help you both to work out what she needs. Not anything to do with her needing counselling. It sounds like she might really benefit from some MH support but it doesn’t sound like she'd be open to that suggestion.

You haven't mentioned her father. Is he absent? Is it possible she's carrying some trauma or fear of abandonment? I know after my dad left I was really afraid my mum would too and we expressed this in different ways. A lot of the anger at our dad for leaving was expressed to our mum as she was there and he wasn't. Time helped eventually.

OP my last post reads as quite critical of you and that’s not what I intended. I suspect you are doing a great job and by the sounds of it are very patient. My mum was very patient too.

To be honest I think it’s completely understandable to fall asleep when not feeling well! This is the problem though - when you are rational and calm it’s easy to understand this. For her, she will see red with any small thing that COULD be perceived as neglect in some way. That’s why it is tricky because the average person knows you have done no wrong but she has a defensive narrative she is sticking to.

I’ve no idea of the dynamics of your relationship so I could be speaking out of turn, but with my mum I felt frustrated as I didn’t feel she treated me like an adult or with the same respect she would show friends etc. It is hard to articulate but it meant that I often reverted to childish ways around her that I wouldn’t with anyone else.

How is she with her friends? Is she genuinely happy?

I wonder if telling her what you’ve told us here would help. Totally calmly and saying you are doing all you can and want a good relationship for her and that it matters but she needs to tell you what is going on. I expect you will be met with anger initially but are there times she is calm and will have a conversation? It is obvious she wants to spend time with you otherwise she wouldn’t at all full stop. I expect she is unhappy about other aspects of her life or even self esteem and so takes it out on you. It is fair or ok but I don’t think her behaviour is meant to harm you, more that it is a display of her own hurt.

we have had family counselling and it didn’t go very well. She either feels like the counsellor is taking sides in a good way or a bad way so it’s ok when she hears what she wants to, but then disconnects when it gets to her part and what she could do. I have suggested going again and she agrees that I need counselling and she wants to come along to tell the counsellor what’s wrong with me.

Dad is involved, he can do no wrong in her eyes and she likes to try to use him against me. he was very similar to me in our relationship which ended many years ago he has no respect for me and acts like I am an incompetent idiot who can’t be trusted to look after a stick despite raising his kids and having a really good job and being fully independent. I get on ok with him in a civil way

• it is not fair or ok !

She’s not that happy no. She’s kind of managing just about to have a few friends. This took her a long time she did not do well in secondary school with friends or school work.

I know she wants/needs me because otherwise she would not behave this way and everything seems to be a test of my love for her. I’m finding it hard to be nice and kind to her recently I don’t trust her anymore. She can be so vicious and cruel

This is all very controlling behaviour. What is she anxious about? What is she really stressed about? What is her life like? Does she do things that make her happy? Has she got close friends, interests, a purpose, engagement in society.

Start by sitting down together and make a plan to put on the wall. Ensure it includes who cooks what night, who is responsible for each household chore (she could do laundry/bedding and you loos/hoovering/kitchen. Add which evenings you will spend together.

Then ask her what can be done to improve your relationship. Come up for ideas for both of you. It takes two and you both need to make an effort. Spend quality time together throughout the week. Try to bond.

When she starts on you name the behaviour by calmly saying ‘please stop bullying me’ and then give her time alone. Don’t give bad behaviour your attention. Walk away for your own mental health.

Perhaps she should live with her father for a while.

OP you sound defeated by it and I can understand that. It sounds extremely hard. All I would say is don’t give up on her - she needs you. Could you ask her if she’s free on x date and if so think of something she’d like to do and for her to let you know? How would something like that go down?

A massive thing to me was spending time with my mum AND someone else. Maybe a distant relative or one of her friends or even at a club or something you both could join. It meant there was almost a blocker on my behaviour becoming angry with her as someone else was there but also allowed us to bond. Sounds silly but it worked.

One last thing is actually asking her to do something for you because YOU need her. For instance, you’d really value her opinion on finding an outfit for an occasion, or you want her advice or view on something. This might help you develop a more adult relationship with her.

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. She probably doesn’t play up with her dad because she’s closer to you. I bet in years to come she will see it all very differently and realise all you’ve done for her.

I would suggest to her that she is now eighteen and so an adult and as such she needs to behave in a way fitting with an adult and not like some tantruming toddler demanding her parent's sole attention tbh. I do think that the more you pander to her the more outrageous her demands will become.
I'm incredulous that she believes she can dictate who you see and when and who visits the home you undoubtedly pay for. It isn't her place to dictate to you. If you choose to have a guest then she can either be pleasant or she can stay in her room or go to her father's.
If she wants feeding then she either eats what you prepare or she feeds herself and at least twice a week she makes food for you both.
I wouldn't put up with it and my youngest of five is your daughter's age so I've been there, done that and got the T shirt tbh. I think with children/teens they really do push as far as you will allow and much of the time they are desperate to have boundaries enforced because it makes them feel secure. Safe to say my tolerance levels are pretty low but I suspect the dc enjoyed having boundaries and we are all really close and they all come home regularly.
What are her plans now college is over? I'd be framing discussions around that. Explain that if sharing a house with you is so difficult in her eyes then she needs to be making plans for going forward be that going to uni and living in halls or getting a job and looking at house shares because if she doesn't improve her attitude towards you your obligation to house her is now at an end tbh

porridge if my mum had come up with a plan on a wall I would have gone crazy and hated it, I would have felt stressed and controlled by it. I honestly believe you have to be more subtle here - anything looking like some sort of intervention is likely to make her withdraw further and be more difficult. Only when things are more stable is a conversation about sharing cooking etc realistic. Again, only my experience!!

lack of self esteem is probably a large part here.

I would suggest to her that she is now eighteen and so an adult and as such she needs to behave in a way fitting with an adult and not like some tantruming toddler demanding her parent's sole attention tbh. I do think that the more you pander to her the more outrageous her demands will become.
I'm incredulous that she believes she can dictate who you see and when and who visits the home you undoubtedly pay for. It isn't her place to dictate to you. If you choose to have a guest then she can either be pleasant or she can stay in her room or go to her father's.

I 100% percent agree with this.

Yes, life is stressful, but her behaviour is fucking outrageous and totally unacceptable. Sadly, you are pandering to her. She "won't allow" your partner to come into your home? What?! Why on earth would you allow her to run your life like this?

I would be telling her that you love her very much, you desperately want a better relationship with her, but the days of you tolerating her disrespect and horrible behaviour are over. She's an adult and needs to make at least some effort to behave like one.

There’s a reason she is not behaving like an adult though.

Telling her it’s your home will make her feel so much more isolated and unwanted. It may be factually true but it is damaging to say to an already fragile and struggling 18 year old. I speak from experience.

I really do appreciate everyone’s advice I know I sound defeated and I’ve tried many things before some have helped it feels like it’s worse than ever now and constant war between us and no peace. We either are not talking or arguing

She doesn’t want to live with her dad (I’ve asked) but whenever she’s pissed off with me she will storm off to his house for a few days which I don’t mind. She is better with another person present yeah. Group activities are better for us than 1 on 1. She’s anxious about everything but won’t accept that’s what it is. She need constant reassurance about most things but she doesn’t trust I am being truthful when I say nice things or am nice

She’s got a small group of friends who seem to get along and her first boyfriend. She’s got a lot more aggressive and challenging towards me since she met him. For no reason. I’ve not stopped them hanging out and I’m nice to him, he seems a nice boy but she’s not happy about social distancing and I don’t think she is abiding by that and I don’t bring it up because it will end horribly.

She is a bully she will never apologise even for really awful things even hitting me or throwing things. I do really love her and I try not to hold a grudge against her I say I love you every morning and night, I try to let things go and move on but it’s all still simmering away.

She’s too old for me to refer her to mental health services and family counselling is expensive I can’t afford it so I feel stuck

She is a bully she will never apologise even for really awful things even hitting me or throwing things.

I would be telling her if she ever hits you again she is going to her father's permanently. Emotional abuse is bad enough, but physical abuse from an 18 year old should not be tolerated. She's lucky you haven't called the police.

I am at my wits end with her being an adult and acting like a child, unfortunately now she knows I could make her leave I think this makes her feel worse, it’s my home and I am clear she can’t dictate who comes here I only agree right while things are so bad he doesn’t come here when she is home I don’t want him to feel this uncomfortable so it’s for his own good! but this is not forever and not sustainable

The rota worked while she was at school but now she barely does anything

She’s going back to college this year and she has a job she is furloughed from. She knows she needs to work and have her own money I don’t give her any money and I won’t cook for her if she behaves like this, I didn’t cook tonight

OP I might not be the best person posting on this as clearly I feel I’ve been there as that 18 year old so I have sympathy for her. It sounds like things have become so bad that you’ve come to think of her as a bully and difficult and unkind. She will know you think these things and it won’t help her sense of self worth.

It will go round and round in circles until one of you is the bigger person and can remain fully and totally calm and not argue back. It should be the parent IMHO so that the child has the example. I get it’s not easy in practice but I strongly believe she needs abundance of understanding to include the acceptance that she’s not simply a bully but someone very much suffering and lashing out.

The fact she is better around others when with you says it all to me - she clearly wants a better relationship with you. I’m sorry you are going through this.

She sounds in some emotional pain and very frustrated that she is unable to articulate it, express it or process it effectively. Has she always been like this or did anxiety / depression etc evolve after an event. Any chance she has undiagnosed SEN or ASD (the education issues and lack of friends may point to this - as well as issues when out with you - sensory?) - that would be a v hard way to live. Maybe she is
lonely / isolated / confused / unsettled.

Has she experienced trauma directly - did she witness emotional abuse from your xH? What’s her emotional attachment to you like - seems she is insecure of it as she is pushing your boundaries and acting out demanding and challenging behaviours to get a reaction / your attention.

To me she sounds like she needs attuning to, acknowledging / validating and soothing - do that she is able to regulate her own emotions herself. It’s like she is v young emotionally and needs to develop that skill of knowing her own emotional state - sensing changes to mood and working with it - not to suppress but to express, process and communicate in a healthy balanced way. This just involves you being v aware of her current emotional state and gently pointing out changes, identifying any regular triggers and what can be done to avoid etc.

It’s v tough - but if you come at it from a place of compassion - that she needs your parental guidance and support to grow from her current v “young” emotional place she is likely to respond well and you avoid the negative repercussions / escalating etc. You need patience but it doesn’t require elaborate day trips or lots of time - just capturing the moments at home.

I do understand @Userwirktl and I have only recently started to feel this way about her and hate myself for feeling this way too. I am just being honest I am a bit afraid of her when she is angry and I feel bullied sometimes. It’s just how it feels to me and I so wish it did not. More than anything. I am the only person she treats so badly and it’s affecting my self esteem because I am constantly on edge and stressed and trying to work our what I have done

She hit me round the face with a bag a couple of months ago and shocked herself and was better for a little while.

At the same time I have sympathy for her because she seems afraid and anxious and angry

You need counselling alone to empower YOU.

Your house -your rules.

She's old enough now -she is rude -she leaves.
She's staying she helps cook / clean etc and treats you with respect or pack her a bag and tell her to go.

@Sssloou

I do genuinely wonder if she has an underlying issue like this. School was not great for her and her emotional intelligence and maturity has been a bit stuck around age 7. She grew out of real tantrums - kicking screaming full meltdown ones about 7 or 8, then it’s been this super angry behaviour to me since then. She was an intensely angry small child from about 18 months old. Her triggers are being asked to do something. She was like this at school.

She finds dad not triggering it seems. He’s not at all challenging to her, he dotes on her and she has no responsibility or expectations around him. She doesn’t like my mother very much. She didn’t witness any physical abuse it was this type of bully behaviour, gaslighting and emotional blackmail and putting me down all the time so I left him and I don’t think she really understands why. She thinks I put myself first and left her poor DF and made her life a misery in the process. She feels I rely on her too much and she has too much responsibility.

When I can sense things are going south I will withdraw from her now because I always make things worse when I try to smooth it over or sooth her or something

OP you seem to place all the blame at her door - ‘she was an angry small child.’ She was a child!

Have you always had her labelled as angry? Even before she as a person knew what being angry even meant?!

I am surprised you are referring to her behaviour as a very tiny child. It suggests to me that you think there is a ‘problem’ with her. That may be the case and if so she needs you help. If it isn’t the case then you’re labelling her as a problem which is almost certainly making her resent you.

Either way she needs love not a character assassination from her childhood.

She sounds v overwhelmed and verging an inability to cope. It might be worth looking at any potential underlying issue and also she would have sensed, absorbed and internalised the emotional abuse / toxic environment and this might well be playing into things. Sounds like a lot of “blame” is being projected out towards you which isn’t constructive or sustainable.
I would seek professional help for her if possible - especially if you have seen this frustration from 18 months. Also ASD shows up v differently in girls and if she is trying to cope unaided with a SEN she will continue to suffer.