Need help with DD and her mental health?

[Userandmuser]

I am very confused right now. My DD18 has always been difficult and an angry person towards me and it’s getting a lot worse. I’m not an angel or perfect and I tend to bite back sometimes when I am tired or had too much of it. I also try to make peace and find resolutions too and have tried to get her help.

Lockdown has not helped the situation she is frustrated all the time although she is quite independent she is going though a phase where she really really hates me. I really do not know what is real or not anymore and if she needs help or if she is punishing me to an extreme level.

When she is unhappy with me I am often unaware there is a problem or I have done anything and she will begin to verbally attack me, this starts off with small jabs and jibes and comments and escalates to shouting. The whole time I am trying to listen, de-escalate and not fight back with her but to diffuse, talk and calm down with firm boundaries.

Whenever I challenge her to explain herself (even when she is calm) so I can understand the issue she will leave the discussion and refuse to engage anymore - so I am not getting anywhere and nothing is ever discussed or resolved. When I tell her something is not true, this makes her more angry.

Last night I saw my boyfriend. DD will not allow my boyfriend to come to our house when she is home so I went out as I do not want to fight over it. DD does not know him but he is a nice man. I had not seen him since Saturday - I see him once or twice a week max. The whole rest of the week I am at work or at home. DD was not home all day (I had worked from home) as she was out at the beach. DD was very angry I was not at home that evening although I had let her know about it, and she wasn’t home till late.

Today started off that I text her at 8.30am in the morning from work to ask her about her course results from college and to let me know when she got them. She usually has her phone on silent all the time. I sent it before a meeting in case she got them early and as a ‘good luck’ message. She was asleep and angry that the message woke her up. She sent some angry texts. She got the results, we discussed it on text, I was happy for her and said I was proud and then she changed the subject to ask me what was for dinner. DD refuses to cook food and was then angry about dinner and that I might cook something she doesn’t like.

Tonight I came home from a long day at work with a headache. She did not come downstairs to say hi as she was in the shower. I went upstairs to lie on my bed and she came in to me angry I had not spoken to her about her results when I got home. I apologised and tried to talk to her which she shut down and left. I nodded off as I had a headache and was tired, with the intention to get up and cook dinner in a while.

DD has come into my room, screamed at me for being asleep, marched around the house shouting, began to cook dinner for herself but cooked half of it then threw it all in the bin.

The reasons for being angry with me:

• I haven’t been home for 3 days. This is not even true in any way - I have either been working or at home since Saturday. Or working from home. I went out once last night.

• I never cook anything. As DD never cooks, I’ve cooked everything for 18 years

• I never do any housework and she does everything - this is also so untrue. She does very little

• I never asked her about college and showed no interest. Which I did

• All I care about is boyfriend and I keep trying to make her meet him. Also not true. And it was ok for him to kindly put her TV on the wall last month but then she demanded he leave immediately

• it was ok to wake me up because I ‘shake her awake’ every morning when I go to work. This does not happen

I’m worried about these things she accuses me of, because she seems to really believe they are true and is so angry about them and they are not reality. I am confused over whether she really believes them to be true? And she won’t talk about them with me when I try to get to the bottom of it or find a resolution.

I am sitting in my car in the rain because I couldn’t sleep my headache off, she threw all the food away I could have cooked and then accused me of these things and I don’t know what to do.

I agree that she’s experiencing emotional pain and frustration- but at the same time, she’s bullying and has physically abused you. I’m shocked that she hit you around the face with a bag.

It’s difficult because she’s legally an adult but have you ever spoken to your/her doctor about her behavior ( I’m assuming you have given you tried family counseling)?

I think you need to spell it out to her that any more violence or major tantrums will result in her having to leave the house. If she only behaves like this towards you, it’s deliberate and you need to protect yourself.

I don’t sound v. sympathetic towards your DD but I actually am. I’m concerned about what she’s doing to you, though, and what she could do in another violent outburst.

I think there was a problem. I did not know why she was so angry and I still do not know. She wouldn’t get dressed without physically fighting with me, she would throw herself backwards constantly, she held her breath multiple times and passed out. I was a young mum and didn’t really know what to do. I got a lot of support from my health visitor but I didn’t know if it was my fault or that my relationship with her dad was bad or what it was.

When she was in school she was constantly fighting with other girls and secondary school she was constantly arguing with teachers, in detentions and on report. I worked really hard with her and school to keep her there and get her to sit GCSE’s and she did ok and I am proud of what she managed to do. She was glad to leave school but she chose to stay in education. I support her in every way apart from giving her money anymore (she had to get a job).

She’s a lovely person to most other people and sometimes occasionally to me. She’s kind and sweet and thoughtful. She will always get you a lovely birthday gift and make you a cake and she loves little children and animals. She’s pretty and attractive and likes clothes and make up, I share lots of my own things with her like make up etc and give her compliments all the time. She has a lovely bedroom and she has lots of nice things, a nice home, pets she loves, a lot of freedom and independence and opportunities - but she’s so bloody angry. I’ve obviously messed up

Yes we had 2 CAF’s I think they are called? We went to CAMHS 3 times, services were really poor and patchy and mostly I felt like the focus was on just me as the parent to do better parenting. I’ve done a parenting class. I’ve had my own individual counselling, and I’ve been to CAMHS with her 3 times. She scores very high on ADHD questionnaires

We do have an adult ASD assessment service but she would need to consent to a referral. Same for adult MH services

I don’t think you’ve ‘obviously messed up.’

Life is hard OP and whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter really, what matters is that she has support from you and she knows that won’t go away.

I’m sure as she gets older your relationship will get better naturally. She sounds like a nice girl and you sound like a good mum. Try not to blame yourself or her for anything in the past... that won’t get you anywhere.

You sound exhausted by it

Other than staying calm, not placing blame and trying to be the bigger person to enable a dialogue to start, im not sure there is a quick fix.

I would certainly try and spend time with her with a third person there. It sounds like it would help and it did for me.

I was about to ask if her behaviour is similar to her dad's. She has learned to abuse you by copying him.

If she won't engage with counselling then you don't have much choice but to make her leave.

I'm sorry op, it sucks. But having children to an abuser does run a risk of having the child learn and mimic that abuse. Especially when you try like a mad bastard to be "fair" and never criticise the fucker to your child. That's great advice when you've split with a reasonable human being; when you've left an abuser it's counter productive and invalidates the child's sense of security and faith that you will protect them from harm.

Sorry. It's shit.

That’s my other train of thought, I wonder if by how he portrays and belittles me has given her no faith or trust in me as a parent. She sees me though his eyes an incompetent untrustworthy bad person who will leave you eventually.

She can’t see his awful mean and unpleasant behaviour for herself but my other child did, and is low contact. I’ve not had to paint him out to be anything I thought they would find out for themselves. 1 child did, and the other feels sorry for him for what I did to the family. I do point out to her that he’s much happier in his new family now so it was for the best.

I am not perfect I had a very bad neglectful childhood and I had a lot of resentment to my own parents for their flaws so I have a level of understanding. Mine did not try to find out what I was angry about though and I wanted things to be different with my children. I’ve gone too far the other way to try to make her happy maybe

You must be super patient OP. I would have flipped by now. I’m sure your daughter is in pain - she doesn’t sound very well at all tbh - but it must be terrible for you too

I don’t think I am patient I think I am tired of fighting
It’s easier to let it go than carry it on and on going nowhere trying to sort it out
Some of it is so petty and silly I can’t even waste energy on it

A lot to think about
I could go to the GP, I just feel like as she is an adult there isn’t much they can do but I can try
But I can do things and yes she knows that any violence she must leave now. I can’t put up with that. I would call the police if she harmed me, the bag slap was more of a stupid lash out as I was standing close to her and more shock than an injury. She didn’t apologise but she felt guilty as she was nicer to me for a while
Pointless talking to her DF but I could talk to his wife who I think would take her in if it got much Worse but I want it to get better

I’m with Aquamarine 1029 on this one. She sounds unmannerly, disrespectful, disruptive and thoroughly selfish. Demanding, flouncing and shouting, never mind the rest. She’s 18 for goodness sake, she’s an adult. She needs to learn it’s a privilege to live in your home, she makes herself unpleasant, don’t put up with it, show her the door, she’s got a choice. Good luck.

My kids are a lot younger, all under 10. My two eldest are autistic, one also has anxiety. His anxiety comes out as anger, screaming, yelling at siblings, screaming and crying and occasionally hitting or throwing things. It's not unusual for anxiety to present as anger and I think I would have struggled a lot to work out what was fueling his behaviour if I didn't have anxiety myself. In my sons case he isn't angry, he's scared. His dad and his school don't see the same behaviour from him because I'm his safe person. He'll hold it in so hard all day at school and then cry and meltdown at home with me. I have no experience with older kids so no idea if it's relevant, but I did wonder when I read your posts if she has anxiety like my eldest or sensory issues/possibly Adhd like my middle boy. I have no idea how these issues would present in a teen or if this is relevant at all.

You have done a brilliant job so far in v v difficult circumstances. Her having meltdowns until 8 years old and not being compliant out of the home indicate underlying issues. IMHO you are not dealing with “normal” here but you have battled through and supported and encouraged her to remain in education, start to build friendships, have a job, care for pets, have a boyfriend etc - these are major achievements which YOU facilitated.

All of the specifics around the cooking, texts, your boyfriend etc are not relevant - so look behind them and respond to her real need each time - a safe, stable emotional connection with you in that moment to settle and reassure her and for her to learn to identify her own emotions, self soothe and process them so that she is able to choose to behave in appropriate healthy ways.

It’s like she is a v young toddler who needs reassurance, guidance and support to understand, articulate and regulate their chaotic and volatile internal emotional world.

You sound exhausted by all of your hard work. Some therapy for you alone would ultimately benefit you both. You need to resolve your inadequate childhood and abusive xH - so that you can drop those loads and be better equipped to manage your DD. I have lived an almost identical experience to you - and turned it around dramatically. Get the right professional support for yourself

My DD is 9 - but I had some awful episodes with her during lockdown over schoolwork. She was physically hitting me, throwing things at me - and telling me how much she hated me. It’s definitely a control issue with my DD, she doesn’t take responsibility - and everything is my fault. However, I’ve now had a mostly peaceful few weeks. I spoke to her when she was calm - and explained to her why her behaviour was completely unacceptable - and was remorseful. I also explained to her that if she continued to behave this way when she was older, it would be a police matter. I showed her that I’ve put a number in my phone, and if she tries to hit me again - I will phone this number to get help. There have been quite a few articles recently about children who abuse their parents. I would be very firm with your daughter, and perhaps show her these articles. I can find a link to them if you think this is helpful?

Sleep has helped us both. She fell asleep with her TV on I went and turned it off and kissed her she looks really cute and sweet when she is sleeping (if awake she would yell get away from me, she has not accepted a hug from me for about 10 years). She’s texting me at work and is less angry today. But we haven’t discussed it it’s just been left hanging and I am sure this isn’t healthy

I wouldn’t say she seems to get a sensory overload... it’s hard to explain. She has a deep hatred of new situations and new people. She will visibly work herself into a complete state about new things. Starting work was very hard but she did it. She hasn’t got that much confidence

I’ve had counselling, a fair bit and am in such a better place with my history. I’m in a really healthy lovely relationship now, my relationship with my other child is very good, relationship with my parents is calm (low ish contact) no drama and I am much more at peace with those areas. I’ve even forgiven ex and tried to move on from the past with him. He’s also in a happy relationship and things are going well for him. I’m a happy and nice person I think! Apart from in my DD’s eyes I am an evil witch

Sounds like your standard, run of the mill narcissist (pd) to me. Unfortunately stuff like that is fully formed by 18.

Having said that, parents can drive everyone demented and make us act unfair so maybe...its just time she moves out. She's 18, boot her out on her arse already. There are plenty of places looking for people even rn. You'll probably find your relationship will improve a lot when she isnt stuck under your roof.

If you cant right away then tell her you are going to stop babying her so she can cook for herself o future. Be out at dinner times so that she cant throw a tantrum. Encourage her to be more independent 'because once covid is less prevalent, you'll be moving out'.

I think she is fair however, to not want you bringing a man home into her personal space. But maybe you could look.at taking a few trips away with him instead.

Things may be better now, but they will flare up again. Perhaps this calm time is the best opportunity to talk through what happened - and the consequences she will face when she behaves like this in the future. You have a right to not be abused OP.

My dd hates that I have a dp that's not her dad despite the fact her dad left me. She's also barely talking to him. They are angry at the world, now more than ever. We got an emergency mental health assessment when things got really bad but they stopped face to face quickly. Just keep the communication open. Is she off to university next month? If so that will help

No she’s going back to college. I totally understand her worries about the future and I’m always here to talk to about what she is worried about. I think unfortunately her communication is not always great so when she is worrying or stressed she will become super repetitive asking or saying the same thing over and over until I try to redirect the conversation before it deteriorates.

This is what happened on dog walks they became her emotional dumping ground walking telling me how awful everything was in her life. She would say oh I’m getting so fat (she’s not) I eat so much junk over and over, then when I tried to change the subject or lighten the mood or give advice she would take offence and storm off home. I think she just wants me to listen to her never ending complaints

She had to go to a DF family event recently and the lead up to this was very emotional and she did not feel supported by me, but I am wary of her lashing out so I was trying to be distantly supportive. I got that all wrong too apparently

You can't fix your daughter OP. All you can do is continue to work on yourself, build up your self-esteem so you don't fall apart every time she projects on to you, forgive your own (completely human) parental failings, allow her to make her own mistakes and at some point wake up to the damage she is causing. Unfortunately (or not...) the only way this will happen is by you responding to her in a present and clear way, and not continually taking it personally and adding it to your own feelings of self-hatred. She currently has a verrrrry easy life, she is controlling you, she has everything her own way. That must be lovely for her but it needs to stop. Not by you shouting, but by calming bringing in sane boundaries and reminding her your are now two adults living together, so she needs to grow up. Good luck. I have younger kids but you have kind of written my worst nightmare for them. There is always hope though. She just needs to see what she is doing.

@Perfectstorm12. Excellent post, she does need to wake up to the damage she’s causing and change her behavior.

Some posters have referred to being a “safe person” for their children, which I totally understand. I’m my kid’ safe person and they can pour out their thoughts/troubles to me...lately DS in particular likes to give me blow-by-blow accounts of online games he’s played.🤣

But, being a safe person doesn’t mean that a young adult can rant and abuse you. There still needs to be a level of respect for your feelings. My DH is my safe person if I’m upset, but I don’t yell at him or say things that’ll hurt his feelings.

OP, I’d be tempted to write your DD a letter and pour out everything to her that you are feeling and explain what you want form her, what you worries for her are and how you want to help her out. I would also add that you have a limit and if she cannot abide by your (reasonable) boundaries then she will need to find somewhere else to live as things are not working for anyone.

This situation cannot continue. It is abusive and dysfunctional but I also understand how terribly hard it is for you think about making your daughter leave.

She may have mental health issues or a personality disorder as PP have said but unless she is willing to seek help or look to her own behaviour she won’t be able to live with you and use you as her punchbag.

This is a very difficult situation, OP and I hope you can navigate a way through this.

Imo, your daughter needs to see a psychiatrist asap, and get into long-term therapy. She clearly has deep-seated issues, or possibly even a personality disorder.
However, if she refuses to get any form of help, I dont think letting her stay with you anymore is a good idea. She is an adult after all.

She needs to save up and move out. Be that on her own or with her dad.
She’s being an absolute brat and a bitch towards you, you do not deserve that, nor should you tolerate it.
I hope she is, at the very least, paying you dig money?

Whatever possible undiagnosed issues she may have, she has no excuse to treat you like this. Her behaviour is abusive.
She is an adult and you do not have to tolerate her abusive behaviour, even if it IS from an undiagnosed issue.

I have an adult child, he is diagnosed Autistic, he is HF, he has an independant life now.

He made our lives absolute hell from aged 10 - 20.
Think SS involvement (because of our NT younger DD) Police ( because of his violence to us all) and a load of other agencies.

It was horrific, tbh.

Set boundaries and stick to them. Signpost help for her, but enforce the "no violence" rule

I can tell you that my daughter the same age has asd and anxiety and without definite boundaries the anxiety takes over. So for her it's useful to be very clear in my expectations and to build in routine and order into our home life as that gives her less to worry about.
So when she cooks, we plan which day would be her turn and what she will cook and we write it on the planner. Now that is pretty much set in stone because turning up with a takeaway or suggesting an impromptu meal out would trigger her anxiety. Now she wouldn't strop or be rude because house rules are that we speak respectfully but she might cry, she would find it difficult to eat and a meal out might be well out of her comfort zone if it isn't planned.

If I had a friend over I'd tell her in advance and put it on the planner, with some people she'd say hello and make small talk but with others she'd probably take a drink and snacks to her room and would hide away. It's not an option for her to veto any visitors but likewise she doesn't have to acknowledge their presence and neither would I let a visitor invade her space.
I am her safe person and our home is her refuge but that doesn't mean that she can control what happens in our home it means that I will always consider her needs and always enable her to feel safe by helping her learn strategies to cope with life.