Hi all. Long term poster, name changed.
Today I returned home following visiting my family for the first time in many months. DH lent me his iPod to listen to music on the way (flight) and I did it on the way back. I've randomly discovered that he recorded several arguments between us, all of which are saved on his iPod. I am in a state of shock. The recordings were made without my knowledge or consent.
In one of the recordings, DH was goading me to get me to say things I have never done, such as that I was violent towards him. I've never been violent towards him. I thought at the time this was odd but I was so upset and desperate in our argument that I didn't notice I was being recorded. I've never admitted anything cause there is no truth in it.
I come from a verbally and at timed physically abusive family (my father), full of what now would fall under coercive control. I'm 34 now and all my life I've lived with a chip on my shoulder as a result and admittedly I get over the top and desperate in arguments like my mum. I had no good example at home. However, I have picked up on it and have had counselling. I am no longer in touch with my abusive father which has been a major relief. I have worked extremely hard on myself and will have to do so probably for the rest of my life.
DH is, what I thought, a kind, non-confrontational person. He knows my past and never in a million years have I thought he'd use it against me. I hoped he would support me in overcoming my demons and that we'd have a good, loving marriage that I always dreamt of.
In the same time, DH is a liar. He lied to me immediately before and after our wedding 5 years ago about certain important things in relation to his family (re MIL who turned out to be a vile person but he was covering her actions). He lied to me about the fact he was in significant debt of several thousand pounds of which I had no knowledge. I knew he had 2-3k debt when we first got together which he wasn't paying off and it was accrued stupidly, on random unnecessary things. At the time we were both on not great money as we were studying to get further qualifications so that amount of debt wasn't worrying but he wasn't paying it off as he's not good with money. Therefore, I sat down with him and worked out how to pay it off. He promised me he would do it and I married him thinking there was no longer any debt and we'd be able to start saving up for a deposit for our house, a fresh start. 3 weeks after the wedding I randomly discovered his debt was 9k. That was a huge set back for us at the time and I was devastated. Admittedly, I slapped him then - once and only once in my life. It wasn't the right thing to do, but I was at the rock bottom once I realised another major breach of trust on his part. I felt terrible and apologised to him and never ever done it since.
I then forgave him and worked out how to pay it off. We paid it off. Saved up for a house, advanced our qualifications. We now have a beautiful home, good jobs, pets, trying for a baby, I sadly had several miscarriages which affected my MH greatly. But I got through this.
As far as I was concerned, our relationship was better than ever and he never breached my trust again. Until today.
I feel that he was trying to gather evidence against me which for some reason he has held on to for over 2 years. The arguments he recorded took place in 2018. He has since sold the phone on which the recordings were made, having reset it before, he says. However, as I said, the recordings are saved on his cloud and his iPod and for whatever reason, they are still there.
I confronted him tonight and he was shocked. He first said he never recorded me. Then finally admitted he did but "only twice", he "never shown it to anyone". He said he recorded me because he wanted to "relisten to it" but he never did. He also doesn't know how they were copied into his iPod, supposedly this wasn't done on purpose.
To present the full story, the arguments we have had were usually about DH being lazy around the house and not noticing things need to be done or not finishing them. He tends to be too laid back whereas I am a hard worker and I felt a huge share of responsibilities were falling on me whereas he wasn't doing much which I found difficult and upsetting as I hoped for an equal partnership. So probably not unusual arguments, however they were heated at times as I was repeating myself and asking him to change his attitude over and over again and sometimes I just had enough. To be fair about this, he has improved in that regard particularly in the last 1.5 years and we've barely ever argued. It was never heated either, since I've been very mindful following my counselling not to repeat my parents' mistakes.
I am devastated. This is like a blow straight into my heart. I thought this man would help me work through my worries and yet he completely turned against me, goaded me to say things that never happened. This isn't what a loving partner does. I feel this was done in bad faith to use it against me at some point, but he denies this.
I am shocked and broken. Is this the end? What do I do now? Do I get divorced at 34, in the pandemic, risk never having children which was my lifetime dream?
Have I been living a lie for 7 years?