Do old fashioned men still exist?

[BooFuckingHoo2]

Was going to NC but fuck it

I’m approaching 30 and I’ve been single for a couple of years now. I’m definitely attracted to a specific type of man, I.e. someone who’s “dominant”, has a good job and wants to play the traditional “man” role. (Also being tall and good looking helps ).

When I say traditional “man” role I mean be earning at least equal to me and be the main “provider” of the family if we were to have kids in future (I’d want to go PT). I also find it attractive when men are assertive and protective of their families and have strong morals/are chivalrous.

It seems these type of men are becoming either vanishingly rare or the ones that do exist are total dickheads! I OLD and 50% of the men I meet (and I screen them extensively first ) turn out to be very passive and (I’ll be flamed for this) want me to pay half on a first date .

Has anyone got a “traditional” DH/DP or does anyone dare to admit this is what they want?

Do these men still exist (non dick head ones) and how can I make sure I attract them?

@monkeyonthetable

You need to find yourself a lawyer. They work such long hours for such high pay, they need someone at home to keep the household running smoothly. I know a few lawyers who struggle to meet women because they just don't have time to date. They are dominant because ime lawyers have to be right. I would hate to be married to one of them but the friends I have who are definitely play the stay at home role and live very comfortably. It wouldn't suit me at all. I'd hate it. But if that's what you want, start hanging around the gyms near the law courts.

(I'm being a bit flippant here, but there's some truth in it.)

An awful lot of lawyers at that sort of level are married to other lawyers. The arguments are immense!

The sort the op's looking at are probably more "partner in high street firm" types so perhaps the Rotary Club?

OP I wouldnt expect a guy to pay on a first date if he asked me out but I would like him more if he did. If it was a mutual suggestion then I wouldnt. I would pay for the first drink and offer to pay my way but i would like him more if he paid. I'm old fashioned like that too. Saying that though i wouldnt be greedy over it and would pay for other things and i would pay it back down the line. They pay for the first date I would pay for the second type of thing. You have to be mindful of what you are projecting. It's nice to have a guy who is willing to pay for you to be chivalrous but it's different if it's about power/control ifyswim.

Personally i have always had my own money and my own job i wouldnt want it any other way. I certainly dont want to be a house wife and to be left with all the chores and childcare. I made that mistake before, I hated it and resented him deeply and the relationship ended. I refuse to clean up after a grown man. Think about the type of person who thinks they dont have to do anything for themselves because someone else does everything for them, is that the type of person you want to be with.

A man can be chivalrous, protective kind and loyal without it being that dynamic.

My DP is a nice mix, he will pay for things when he can and when he wants to but there is definitely no expectation from me when he does (he does pay for meals though because he wants to because he likes the old fashioned ways too) but I do nice things things for him in return. I cook him nice meals and do nice favours for him to balance things out. He is protective over me but also knows that I can look after myself and it feels nice that he doesnt feel the need to look after me in that way.

I wouldn't want to go head first into that type of dynamic. I think you'd be on course for creating a chauvinist to be honest. Its human psychology, it's why we dont spoil our kids because we would create monsters.

If your theoretical traditional DP developed some long term chronic illness that only allowed him to work part time and you were forced to step up and plug the gap financially. Would you stick around?

@SorrelBlackbeak - could be an idea. Though the very successful lawyers I know are all married to artistic types who run the home and paint/act/write/sing professionally but not full time. With the added benefit of fewer arguments!

or the ones that do exist are total dickheads

I'm afraid that's basically what old fashioned means. What a load of rubbish!

My DP is all the things you describe OP in your opening post. He was brought up by his DGD who taught him chivalry, respect, good morals and worth ethics. He is fiercely protective of his family (and my DC from previous relationship). He cancels his hobbie days out with his mates if it's a sunny day in favour of family time, is a very hands on daddy to out 2 little girls. We turn take long lies and night time wake ups, share household chores despite him working full time and me being a SAHM (I'm doing my degree), except for the washing up. He does most of that because he knows it's the one chore I hate doing. He is currently trying to arrange a dishwasher to make it easier for me us both

'Old fashioned' is far more than the stereotype 'man goes to pub while woman chained to sink.'

@BooFuckingHoo2

Following as that is the kind of relationship/ marriage I would like

I wonder if there are really women who would hang around a gym near a big law firm. Maybe I need to join a gym

FWIW quite a few of my female friends who all went to good unis and graduated with good degrees before getting picked up by blue chip firms and starting promising careers traded it all in to be a stay at home mum in a nice house after marrying Mr City High Flyer. For all their talk of independence and feminism they were quick to become 'kept'. I actually admire the OPs honesty on her ambitions, plenty of folk talk a good game until that carrot gets dangled.

@DillonPanthersTexas

FWIW quite a few of my female friends who all went to good unis and graduated with good degrees before getting picked up by blue chip firms and starting promising careers traded it all in to be a stay at home mum in a nice house after marrying Mr City High Flyer. For all their talk of independence and feminism they were quick to become 'kept'. I actually admire the OPs honesty on her ambitions, plenty of folk talk a good game until that carrot gets dangled.

For some reason, a lot of my brother's friends' wives are like this. What makes me laugh is that the person MOST upset by this is my 80 year old Dad. He can't work out why you'd spend years studying and building a career only to dump it. I wouldn't do it myself, but I at least understand it.

I have someone a bit like that as in he wants to be the main breadwinner provider and would not be happy if I earned more than him. He does however think it’s important for me to have a career for my sense of self and identity and I Do. I work part time. I know his previous girlfriend briefly earned more than him but rather than be negative to her it just pushed him to push himself. He overtook her again pretty quickly.
Now he earns a lot more than I do I could easily give up work but I don’t want to and he respects that. I think he respects me more because of it even if it would be easier if I didn’t work. He also massively appreciates the days I am off and he can put more hours in his business while I take on the bulk of the kids stuff housework.

So yes they exist but are far from perfect. He doesn’t cook. Ever! He is an alpha for sure but not a dickhead although the I call him one affectionately as he has the odd dickhead trait

I am very lucky but I had a mysoginst bully of a dad and knew what I wanted and what I didn’t.

Quite a few of my friends went through phases of looking for someone "old fashioned". Not because they were looking to be kept women but because a lot of the men our age (I'm 30 but this probably peaked a few years back) were overgrown children, both unwilling and unable to do anything for themselves. I don't date men but, frankly, it's an obvious trend even to me. Quite a few dated considerably older men but very few of those relationships have worked out, I think most worked out that the men who described themselves as "old fashioned" were usually just a better dressed brand of chauvinists.

Don't do it OP - I'm in my mid twenties and so is my partner and we have fallen into the roles of a traditional 1950's family - he works and provides for us whilst I do all the housework, all the childcare, all the shopping, all the cooking (although I do work part time around his very long hours). I can honestly say that although my partner is lovely and we do love each other dearly - he did start to lose alot of respect for me because he no longer saw me as equal. I also lost some respect for him because I was exhausted and while he does work very long hours and works hard - I never get a break with two young children and a home to run. I ended up having a mental breakdown and only now are we realizing how much we actually need each other again.

I think it can work sometimes but it is so easy to lose respect for one another in this situation when you don't see each other as equal.

I think the problem is OP, that men these days (quite rightly so), have been brought up to believe women are their equals. Therefore women should be contributing financially to the household and they (the men) should be equally contributing to household chores and childcare
That's how DH was raised and it's how we will be raising DC.

I don't see how that is incompatible with either parent going part time either as both me and DH plan to go part time if we have another child.

I do think there's a lot of men who seem to think equality is both people working but the woman doing the wifework. The key thing is for more people to say no and not put up with that sort of attitude and manchild behaviour.

If someone knows they can dick about, play their videogames, watch the football whilst their wife cleans up and runs around after the children there's no reason for them to change. They literally are getting everything they want on a plate if their significant others continue to enable that behaviour.

Also my partners dad describes himself as 'old fashioned' what he really is is a misogynistic arsehole who seems shocked that I suggest that his son take his own daughter to the toilet whilst I was breastfeeding her little sister, and doesn't believe that I contribute financially to anything (I do). He has also told me that as a stay at home parent (mostly) I just sit on the sofa all day doing nothing.

Quite a few of my friends went through phases of looking for someone "old fashioned". Not because they were looking to be kept women but because a lot of the men our age (I'm 30 but this probably peaked a few years back) were overgrown children

I'm sure the fine dining, city breaks and designer gifts had no impact on the decision to date a solvent older man.

I have someone a bit like that as in he wants to be the main breadwinner provider and would not be happy if I earned more than him.

Glad it works for you @Carycy and that's all that matters really so this is from a place of interest not judgement, but can he articulate why "he would not be happy" if you earned more than him?

My day rate is much higher than my partner so I could work part time to earn the same as him working full time. I can't imagine him taking issue with it as a concept, though I understand everyone is different. Would your partner still have an issue with you earning more than him even if you worked less hours than him?

I can't understand why a partner would have a problem with the concept of their partner earning more than them, if they don't see themselves as superior somehow.

I do think there's a lot of men who seem to think equality is both people working but the woman doing the wifework.
Before we married, my exh claimed to be all for equality, but when we had children, I discovered that this was the type of "equality" he meant - me doing the wifework, working FT, putting his job first and showing open appreciation if he put the bins out.

I like a 'dominant' man, though I'm probably hoping to avoid that now in massive amounts due to unpleasant experiences.

Having a bloke refuse to split the bill on a first date, I personally find creepy, in that I dated a bloke once who ^insisted* on paying for it. If one didn't let me go halves now, I think I wouldn't date them. It wasn't that he wanted to do it, but that he insisted despite what I wanted. Then he went on about how expensive the place was.

I wouldn't be overly impressed by a SAHD either. I would assume he had some mental health issue or something that meant he couldn't work (I know this isn't always the case.)

I like to be able to look up to a man. But again, I'll try to avoid that much in future, as it led me into a relationship with a massive power difference, and sexual coercion.

I wouldn't be overly impressed by a SAHD either. I would assume he had some mental health issue or something that meant he couldn't work (I know this isn't always the case.)

What?! A mental health issue? This is crackers. There are an increasing number of couples where wife is higher earner and goes back to work.

The other side of the coin is that I have seen lots of threads on here from women ground down by providing for men with a poor work- ethic (often lightly disguised as being artistic, musical or having ideas for the next big thing). Unprofitable self-employment (he won’t work for ‘the man’) is another stop on this road map.

Unfortunately the woman still has to do all the housework and childcare, as it takes a lot of time to prepare for the next gig, paint that masterpiece or wait for Steve Jobs to call.

For every good SAHD or 50:50 dad there are women having to combine work with the bulk of the domestic shitwork.

Date City lawyers! Too many of them think like that

Ravenmum I'm guessing that's why he's now an ex.

I like to be able to look up to a man. But again, I'll try to avoid that much in future, as it led me into a relationship with a massive power difference, and sexual coercion
You've summed the problem up here.
The sort of man who wants a woman to look up to him is the sort of man who thrives on the power difference.

I've got friends who are conservatively religious. They deeply believe in traditional roles, but what is crucial is that they also believe that as head of the household, the husband has a responsibility towards the household. There's no worshipping the husband in adoration because their religious belief is that the husband's role is to serve his family. It's a much more nuanced view than many so called traditionalists seem to have where it's 'man works, woman stays home as live in maid and knows her place whilst remembering to express intense gratitude to her husband'.

My dh is old fashioned in that he thinks it’s totally normal for men to provide for their wives & kids. He is not even my kids’ dad but he provides for them too. The children (and his) are now adults and we have someone to look after the house. He just wants a happy wife, couldn’t care less what I do or don’t do. He is an alpha male but kind with it, no controlling ways; we both have equal say (along with equal company shares).

I am now older than you, but met him when we were both divorced in our 30’s and neither of us had money. I KNOW men like dh still exist in their 20’s/30’s, as quite a few of my friends’ sons are the same as dh. They are raised to provide for their families and give their wives and kids a good life.

I understand that everyone has different ideas of what they want from a relationship and each to their own as long as you are happy but OP what I would say is really think about why you want someone an old-fashioned, protective man to take care of you and why do you think this kind of person would add to your life? I’m not saying it’s wrong but think it’s worth really thinking why you want these qualities in someone. You sound pretty independent and successful in your own right so I hope you really value that and your achievements and won’t forget and minimise yourself should you meet a traditional alpha type man. I can see how some old-fashioned qualities can sound attractive but I would definitely have a ‘start as you mean to go on’ attitude about things. You may like the novelty of playing the dutiful wife in the beginning of a relationship but a few years in and if you have kids the novelty can wear off quickly if you have a partner that doesn’t do anything at home.

I would say that a quality that people hardly seem to mention anymore as important is someone that is kind! Having a kind, funny, reliable, caring and supportive partner by your side (old school or modern man!) is so important.