Do old fashioned men still exist?

[BooFuckingHoo2]

Was going to NC but fuck it

I’m approaching 30 and I’ve been single for a couple of years now. I’m definitely attracted to a specific type of man, I.e. someone who’s “dominant”, has a good job and wants to play the traditional “man” role. (Also being tall and good looking helps ).

When I say traditional “man” role I mean be earning at least equal to me and be the main “provider” of the family if we were to have kids in future (I’d want to go PT). I also find it attractive when men are assertive and protective of their families and have strong morals/are chivalrous.

It seems these type of men are becoming either vanishingly rare or the ones that do exist are total dickheads! I OLD and 50% of the men I meet (and I screen them extensively first ) turn out to be very passive and (I’ll be flamed for this) want me to pay half on a first date .

Has anyone got a “traditional” DH/DP or does anyone dare to admit this is what they want?

Do these men still exist (non dick head ones) and how can I make sure I attract them?

I think that as you know what you are looking for your chances of finding long-term happiness are high.
Perhaps what you're interpreting as "passive" is actually being polite and not wanting to offend someone you've just met?

I would be cautious of meeting someone who wanted me to pay for everything...

I agree with PP who say that it sounds like what you're really looking for is simply someone who is kind, generous, attentive and driven to achieve/excel in their career.

I have always dated those kind of men without it crossing over dickheadishness. I think in part it's the fact that I earn my own 6 figure salary (mid 30s), owned my own flat while dating, have other interests/hobbies/friends and have a career which is important to me (and which I am lucky enough to be thriving in).

So I don't think it's your (current) independence which has put them off - don't change that!

Looking back at the men I have dated, I do think that they would have found your rhetoric about looking for a provider/old-fashioned values stuff offputting though. I know that they have all liked my determination to continue to be independent forever (I also never intend to have children, which will be a factor) as they are have been modern, egalitarian, respectful men who believe women are their equal in every way.

So perhaps play up the independence, dampen down the 'moral, old-fashioned' stuff?

Oh, and I dated these men both through OLD but also friends of friends (mostly doctors, lawyers, investment professionals).

Yes. I have been in a relationship with one for years that I am now extricating myself from as underneath it all is a selfish, misogynistic person who thinks women are beneath him. I suspect this is the case for 'old fashioned men' and I have gone from thinking exactly the same as you to realising I'm worth so,so much more than being somebody's slave.

Not that many people earn enough these days for only one person to work (or rather, one income isn't enough to have the quality of life they expect). The OP's expectations of a 'traditional' life just come across as being a golddigger. I would have more respect if she wanted to be able to be a SAHM, but was willing to make sacrifices to do so.

@TheStuffedPenguin independent? Not sure how either partner could be independent in a true partnership. Partnership, esp w children comes with responsibility. How can you be independent when you literally have dependents?

But! I wouldnt give up my aspiration to be financially independent, if thats what you mean. And neither would my husband. As it happens we have both had times of being financially dependent. He has needed me to contribute more (most) to bills etc when he changed career. And while we have a shared vision for our families well being, that vision includes financial autonomy for both of us.

Very interesting thread. I'm exactly like you in that I'm attracted to men who are able to provide for their family, who are able to take decisions and are not passive and of course chivalrous. The reason that this type of men becomes increasingly rare is partly due to women themselves not wanting this. Feminism (while I support feminism strongly and think that women absolutely should have equal rights to men in workplace and everything else) in a way made things sway a little too much in the other direction, whereby men and women are now expected to play absolutely identical roles in life. In my opinion any extreme is wrong and I love to be a woman in a broad sense of the word, when a man opens a door or hands me his jacket or goes down on one knee when proposing. Same thing about being able to provide for the family. I'm sure I'm going to be flamed for this as well but that's too interesting a topic not to share my opinion.

With regards to whether these men actually still exist, absolutely they do. My husband is one of them. He enjoys it this way too as it makes him 'feel like a man'. Having said that, he still does his share around the house/childcare and has never viewed me as a 'servant'. I'm very happy with this set up but surely this isn't for everyone. I've never paid in the restaurant and we've been together 10 years and he did go down on one knee when he proposed to me. Each to their own but I like it this way.

I don’t agree that I’m a gold digger. I said in my OP I want to continue to work PT no matter what, partly so I wouldn’t be screwed in the event of divorce. I’m a senior professional and my current salary would be approx 50k if 3 days a week. I’ve also got six figures of equity in my house so I wouldn’t say I’m entirely expecting a man to completely bankroll me. I just don’t want to financially support a man as I find that deeply unattractive.

Most men like you describe are misogynist imo. Misogyny doesn’t have to be intentionally, outwardly combative - but a belief that women need “taking care of” and that the man’s “job” is to provide for his family is misogynist in and of itself. I’m not sure where you’d find such men but if you find out let me know so I can avoid them!

@BooFuckingHoo2

I don’t agree that I’m a gold digger. I said in my OP I want to continue to work PT no matter what, partly so I wouldn’t be screwed in the event of divorce. I’m a senior professional and my current salary would be approx 50k if 3 days a week. I’ve also got six figures of equity in my house so I wouldn’t say I’m entirely expecting a man to completely bankroll me. I just don’t want to financially support a man as I find that deeply unattractive.

So you find financially supporting a man deeply unattractive but expect him to financially support you? Double standards much! What about stay at home dads? Are they all sissy beta males to you?

I married one it certainly has its benefits.

Most men like you describe are misogynist imo. Misogyny doesn’t have to be intentionally, outwardly combative - but a belief that women need “taking care of” and that the man’s “job” is to provide for his family is misogynist in and of itself

Absolutely. I’m taken aback at the women posting here who want to be “protected” and “taken care of”. Are they incapable of looking after themselves, or simply unwilling to do so?

So you find financially supporting a man deeply unattractive but expect him to financially support you? Double standards much! What about stay at home dads? Are they all sissy beta males to you?

Yes that’s how I feel, but as I’ve said as part of the “trade off” I’d be happy doing almost all the wifework. I know plenty of people who are full time earning the same as their DH who end up doing all the wifework anyway.

I have no issue with SAHDs - each to their own, but they absolutely would not be attractive to me, in the same way that many women (myself included) are not attracted to footballers.

I'm totally with you OP. I find financially supporting a man a huge turn off.

Thankfully most modern men also find the idea of totally financially supporting a partner “deeply unattractive” and would rather be equals. What do you think you’re really bringing to the table OP? If your aspirations are to live off his dollar and do the housework, how is that in any way appealing? I’m astounded by your double standards. If you want this for yourself how can you be so judgemental about relationships where it’s men working PT or doing most of the childcare?

I’m taken aback at the women posting here who want to be “protected” and “taken care of”. Are they incapable of looking after themselves, or simply unwilling to do so?

I just don’t want to. For example if I had some building work done I was unsatisfied with, I would much rather my theoretical DP took care of the complaining/sorting it out. I don’t really like confrontation (perhaps this is a personality flaw), so yes it would be nice to have someone to protect me from having to do that.

I know it's hypocritical of me as I don't have an issue with SAHMs but I would not be happy for my husband to stay at home once the kids were all in school. I'm not sure why.

I don’t think I’m judgemental at all about men going PT or doing most of the housework? Each to their own and different people like doing different things.

What I’m saying is I don’t find that attractive, in the same way I’m sure some women don’t find having to do all the wifework attractive. I’ve also said twice I don’t expect to be “totally” financially supported .

Since I keep getting asked what I bring to the table I’ll bite 🙄

• attractive (I’m not a model but I am good looking if a little over weight
• take pride in my appearance and I plan to continue to do so because it’s something I enjoy
• financial stability/independence so far
• happy to do most of the wifework
• I really enjoy cooking so happy to do most of that
• intelligent (post grad educated) and working in a senior role
• kind and loving

They’re pretty rare these days, but I have one!

DH is strong, masculine, protective and well mannered. He’s well known for being a lovely man but someone you defiantly do not want to fuck with.

He likes to pay for things. Opens doors for me. Carries my bags, can turn his hand to anything DIY and does all the gardening and take the bins out. He’s also a great dad.

I know nowadays a lot of people think all that sounds so old fashioned but as I’ve got older I’ve learnt that it’s ok to just like what you like, I’m not saying all men should be like him, but he is what I like.

I know what you mean OP. I was once in a marriage like that, but unwittingly. My first husband and I married straight out of university, I got pregnant quickly and then became a SAHM, while he started his city career. He lost some respect for me, we argued over weekends and free time, he expected me to keep his family happy, etc.etc. When I went back to do a postgrad, he started an affair and and accused me of cheating with various people (any man really). We divorced within 5 years. People thought we were the perfect couple. House, holidays, young and good looking.
It never works. Kindness is what I look for now.

People say things are "equal" now but I just see women doing more and more. Women having to fund their own maternity leave from their savings etc. I think a lot of negatives have come with so called equality.

That's not equality, it's the same old patriarchal exploitation and financial abuse of women (which often accompanies other forms of abuse), just with some shiny new branding.

@userbbb

I know it's hypocritical of me as I don't have an issue with SAHMs but I would not be happy for my husband to stay at home once the kids were all in school. I'm not sure why.

I feel the same about a parent of either gender being at home while all the kids are in school. Needless and lazy. Especially if they’re secondary age or older

Basically my DH has all the good bits of old fashioned men but none of the bad bits. We own a business together and we work two days together and then two days each on our own, meaning the other one is at home with 7 kids! So I feel like I’ve got a bit of everything really.

Erm you have literally described most men.. there’s plenty of shit, oh sorry I mean “old fashioned” men about. Take your pick.

I know what you mean @Staringpoodleplottingrottie but I always assume that couples have chosen & are happy with that whereas I just wouldn't be happy with it if that makes sense.