Do old fashioned men still exist?

[BooFuckingHoo2]

Was going to NC but fuck it

I’m approaching 30 and I’ve been single for a couple of years now. I’m definitely attracted to a specific type of man, I.e. someone who’s “dominant”, has a good job and wants to play the traditional “man” role. (Also being tall and good looking helps ).

When I say traditional “man” role I mean be earning at least equal to me and be the main “provider” of the family if we were to have kids in future (I’d want to go PT). I also find it attractive when men are assertive and protective of their families and have strong morals/are chivalrous.

It seems these type of men are becoming either vanishingly rare or the ones that do exist are total dickheads! I OLD and 50% of the men I meet (and I screen them extensively first ) turn out to be very passive and (I’ll be flamed for this) want me to pay half on a first date .

Has anyone got a “traditional” DH/DP or does anyone dare to admit this is what they want?

Do these men still exist (non dick head ones) and how can I make sure I attract them?

Befriend their sisters or mothers.
Teach/mind their children.
Work for them.
...

If you let them know you’re willing to skivvy for them, I’m sure plenty of blokes will pay for your dinner up front!

FWIW my DP insisted on paying on our first date - “it’s a thing of mine and not negotiable”. It made me a bit wary that he would be controlling etc but it turned out his grandad was a big influence on him and he often paid for dinner when taking out friends and family etc so not a totally sexist “man pays” thing.

It did however point to someone who was used to doing exactly as he pleased without having to answer to anyone and, while grudgingly financially supporting his ex after splitting up with her, he didn’t really value the contribution to the home she’d made as a SAHM.

Be careful what you wish for!

I reckon that work, or through work is likely to be your best bet. In my experience, men don’t do the “dating their secretary” thing that much older men used to - they want someone who is roughly their intellectual equal.

While OP might get lucky and find a misogynist boss who wants to trade the missus in, I don't think it's very likely for the reasons you say. I still think hobbies which attract more 'traditional' types are the best bet.

Are there any groups locally which picket abortion clinics- they'd know loads of old-fashioned gentlemen.

There are lots of nice men in academia and the sciences. Not macho protectors but certainly intelligent and well-mannered.

I reckon that work, or through work is likely to be your best bet. In my experience, men don’t do the “dating their secretary” thing that much older men used to - they want someone who is roughly their intellectual equal.

What a fucking nasty thing to write. Do you really think secretaries are intellectually lacking?

You need to find yourself a lawyer. They work such long hours for such high pay, they need someone at home to keep the household running smoothly. I know a few lawyers who struggle to meet women because they just don't have time to date. They are dominant because ime lawyers have to be right.
I would hate to be married to one of them but the friends I have who are definitely play the stay at home role and live very comfortably. It wouldn't suit me at all. I'd hate it. But if that's what you want, start hanging around the gyms near the law courts.

(I'm being a bit flippant here, but there's some truth in it.)

As soon as I saw the title I knew you'd get flamed OP However, if that's what you would be happy with, why not? I would have liked to have been a housewife. I got a career out of necessity but am counting down the years until retirement! Getting pleasure from looking after others doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself in the process. You can still carve out time for you. That's a lot harder to do if your trying to hold down a full time career and look after the home, kids etc.

People say things are "equal" now but I just see women doing more and more. Women having to fund their own maternity leave from their savings etc. I think a lot of negatives have come with so called equality.

Old fashioned doesn't have to equal useless man child. My grandparents, born back in the 1920's were traditional. But, every mealtime (my granddad used to come home for lunch) one of them would wash the dishes while the other dried them. I always saw him clear up after himself. Yes he didn't play games with us like my grandma did but he would take us all out for the day for picnics etc. All major financial decisions were shared. He always treated my grandma with the utmost respect.

We chose these roles together as husband and wife because in my twenties (in the 70s) and newly married I knew he was ‘driven’ and would do well for both of us and I was not prepared to do both roles (working inside the home, bringing up a family and all that that entails in conjunction with full time work). It worked for us but I sacrificed a life outside the home for stability, harmony and family life. He rose to the top of his game along with sharing the burden (when he was home).

Our two sons however are both sharing equality with their partners. One 50/50 with wife and childcare/domestics (they hired a cleaner eventually), the other chose not to have children (or marry) but share chores together. Both sons do all of the cooking. Their partners earn as much if not more than our sons. We are still happily married (44 years), retired, and husband now shares all domestics and never assumes I do it all. We are a team. Sons have been together happily with their wife/partner into their second decade now, all happy. Teamwork and respect and appreciation for each other’s roles is the answer.

@Meruem

As soon as I saw the title I knew you'd get flamed OP However, if that's what you would be happy with, why not? I would have liked to have been a housewife. I got a career out of necessity but am counting down the years until retirement! Getting pleasure from looking after others doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself in the process. You can still carve out time for you. That's a lot harder to do if your trying to hold down a full time career and look after the home, kids etc.

People say things are "equal" now but I just see women doing more and more. Women having to fund their own maternity leave from their savings etc. I think a lot of negatives have come with so called equality.

Old fashioned doesn't have to equal useless man child. My grandparents, born back in the 1920's were traditional. But, every mealtime (my granddad used to come home for lunch) one of them would wash the dishes while the other dried them. I always saw him clear up after himself. Yes he didn't play games with us like my grandma did but he would take us all out for the day for picnics etc. All major financial decisions were shared. He always treated my grandma with the utmost respect.

Yes but that's not what the OP is saying. She is saying she is happy to go into a relationship where she does most of housework.

This thread has just got to be a wind up.

Yes women are doing more and more, absolutely. Esp in lockdown it seems.
So why on earth woudl you go into a relationship like that????

Hmm good luck with that! My ex was quite traditional around the house, the twist is he wanted me to do everything round the house and work as well. I threatened to resign my job after constant arguments about him not pulling his weight, yep l didn’t like that either and clearly wanted things both ways

When I say traditional “man” role I mean be earning at least equal to me and be the main “provider” of the family if we were to have kids in future (I’d want to go PT)

Not sure about old-fashioned men, but looks like old-fashioned gold-diggers are still around.

What are you bringing to the table, OP, that would make sense for a man to subsidize you to such an extent?

I married the holy grail. A high-earning (on par with my earnings) feminist man who is tall, and loves doing laundry.

In return, he has an ambitious wife who never saw him as a meal ticket.

OP, you sound very young. Please don’t put yourself out there letting men know you want a traditional wifey role while they make the money and decisions. You’ll attract losers like moths to a flame.

A lot of people are in the role you describe - full time at home mums with high earning partners but I think it’s something that is discussed after you decide to have children or even after maternity leave is coming to an end. I wouldn’t say that’s what you’re after before you’re discussing having kids. Another idea is , are you open to dating people from other cultures where this is still the norm ?

Yes men who are protective and kind exist but this doesn't extend to paying for you on the first date - buying a drink fair enough but dinner is split.

A lot of my friends who have children work part-time and their partner's full-time, myself included. I'm don't think it's a set up based on our partner's being traditional as such, but more having partner's who were happy for this to be the arrangement because it's what we said we'd like. So I think it's more about having a partner that listens to your wants and needs and is willing to support them that's important and I do think there are quite a lot of men out there who are good at doing this.

Re the paying for a date. I think the issue with that is that people who are actively searching for a partner through say OLD, may find themselves going on multiple dates with multiples people in their search for finding the right person. It seems unfair that either party should pay for all these first dates when they have no idea if they'll even see that person again. It makes sense to me to split things - if you hit it off with someone you'll soon gauge after a few more dates if they have a generous nature (which I agree is always more appealing than someone who is tight with money).

My dad is very much how you describe OP without the chauvinism. He brought me up to be like him & expect & deserve full equality in a mans world. So I like a touch of chivalry however I don't believe that a women's place is in the home as a default. I also don't believe a man should pay on first dates because that could be expensive.

I find ambition attractive so wouldn't have married someone without that however that doesn't mean someone has to earn £££.

I'm in my 30s so maybe there's a generational shift?

Men who are protective of their families and who have strong morals protect their wife's well being and mental health by pulling their own weight and doing half of the wife work. The really, genuinely strong and dominant men I know are ardent feminists tbh and they look after their wives because they are kind and look after everyone, not because they see them as a commodity like 'traditional' men.

Probs. I mean from the posts on here lots of women seem to have one.loads seem to be wanting to ltb due to their bullshit too. So surely a single one can't be that hard to find. You do you but if you go for that type you will be doing all of the child care and housework. Your career and needs will always come second and he will probably expect you to continue to look good throughout pregnancy and aging.

I think you could find one of these men in the places suggested above such as ukip or church but would also suggest your local tory party group or reddit?

@BooFuckingHoo2 be careful what you wish for. In this case, quite literally. Read these boards.... Extensively. There are many many women here who took on an 'old fashioned' man. Who went part time (or gave up work entirely). And there are many who regret the position that put them in. When you give up your earning capacity like this, you give up power. Financial abuse is a real thing. Its bloody horrible. Saying you are willing to do the lions share of the care. Maybe. Maybe this is your calling in life. Or maybe you ll find it drags you down.

@litterbird

Interesting thread. You say you are in your late 20's. I think many men of your age may have been raised by mothers who worked and contributed to the household or survived as single mothers. These sons may have a different outlook and may look at relationships as equals rather than dominant male scenarios. I have raised my daughter who is in her 20s to never rely on any man financially or emotionally and to only be in a relationship of equals. Her boyfriend is in his 20s and I look at them as a modern couple. No dominance just equals. I am sure somewhere out there you might find a traditional man in the sense of the word but you might have to cast your OLD age net to those men in their 50's and 60's as they grew up in a more traditional household as did I. Good luck!

Can I ask a question here ? What happens in these modern relationships when the woman has children and no income ? Is she expected to dig into her savings to still pay half of the bills?

[quote BooFuckingHoo2]@edwinbear I get that to an extent. However I see all too often IRL and on MN that men definitely do not do an equal share of childcare and housework! And I’m ok with that as long as they pull their weight in other ways, however I’d rather be upfront about it at the start than end up resenting them later.

I’m single at the moment so pretty independent with a good career and a nice house/car that I own. I’m wondering if this possibly puts some of the type I like off.[/quote]
however I’d rather be upfront about it at the start than end up resenting them later

This doesn't sound like a good idea

I work p/t, do some housework (we have a cleaner), most of the DIY & DH does 90% of the cooking. So I would say we are a team.

@Wanderer1 absolutely agree. The 'old fashioned' ones the OP seems to want to find - in my experience - tend towards control and financial abuse.

Some of them seem like real gents in the beginning. So dont come off as assholes.

But the ones i know? They believe they have bought something. And that thing isnt a partnership with a woman to raise a family. Its the entitlement to make decisions, financially and otherwise. Its the entitlement to female care and attention.

In fact, the men Im talking about dont seem to care much about their kids either. The kids, like the wife, is part of his entitled world. They bring him pride, if they do well in school, sports etc. A pride he is entitled to. As hes old fashioned and he goes out to work. And hes paid for it....

Literally my idea of a nightmare scenario.

My DP is quite old fashioned in some ways ie. he wouldn't let me split the bill on our first date and rarely let's me pay nowadays, he has a good career and wants quite a traditional family life. We don't have children yet but he is very protective of me and really looks after me. But he isn't old fashioned in that he's very soft hearted and thoughtful and affectionate and he's also happy to help with domestic chores. I love both sides of him!