Do old fashioned men still exist?

[BooFuckingHoo2]

Was going to NC but fuck it

I’m approaching 30 and I’ve been single for a couple of years now. I’m definitely attracted to a specific type of man, I.e. someone who’s “dominant”, has a good job and wants to play the traditional “man” role. (Also being tall and good looking helps ).

When I say traditional “man” role I mean be earning at least equal to me and be the main “provider” of the family if we were to have kids in future (I’d want to go PT). I also find it attractive when men are assertive and protective of their families and have strong morals/are chivalrous.

It seems these type of men are becoming either vanishingly rare or the ones that do exist are total dickheads! I OLD and 50% of the men I meet (and I screen them extensively first ) turn out to be very passive and (I’ll be flamed for this) want me to pay half on a first date .

Has anyone got a “traditional” DH/DP or does anyone dare to admit this is what they want?

Do these men still exist (non dick head ones) and how can I make sure I attract them?

@Welshgal85 that sounds like very good advice so thank you

I agree with OP. And others who say she'll need an older man. I think your'll struggle to find a young one.

Dh is very traditional. Got a few of the bad bits, but hardly any. And loads of the good 'old fashioned' bits. He was what I was looking for.

But I am late 40's.

It's easy to say you'd be happy doing the "wifework" - 10 years in, the shine has worn off, and it's thankless and never-ending and he just comes in from work and expects to sit on his arse, you'll think different.

A lot of what is written here, I don't think the OP meant.

"He'll want you to look up to him"?

Errr no. That's not what I mean by 'old fashioned'.

That's what I'd call a 'narcissist knobhead' who wants a dutiful wife/slave.

That's not what the OP said.

Many posters are twisting, to extreme, what they 'think' OP wants.

If you deliberately set out to look for a sexist, patriarchal twat with attitudes to women and family life which would have been outdated in the 1980s, never mind the 2020s, you really can’t complain if, when you find one, he turns out to be a complete dickhead.

Be careful what you wish for, OP. Equality has its benefits.

I wouldn't be overly impressed by a SAHD either. I would assume he had some mental health issue or something that meant he couldn't work (I know this isn't always the case.)

This would be offensive if it wasn't so ridiculous. DH was a much better stay at home parent than I would ever have been and my very well paid, high pressure job in the city would have been impossible without either a parent who was there when I wasn't or an extremely well paid, very flexible nanny.

@ravenmum - i really do think you've summed it up. For so many men, equality means women earn but still do everything else too. Or, they earn and women live to serve. The person who mentioned religious people is, I think, quite right - I know a few of these and the whole point is that the man is supposed to do everything he can to make his family happy. HIs "service" is different, but doesn't undermine that of his wife. I have many many issues with religion, but broadly, the religious people I know where the man is "head of the household" means he takes control, supports his wife, engages with his children and in fact considers it a key part of his role to provide support, education, emotional guidance etc.

@BooFuckingHoo2

I don’t think I’m judgemental at all about men going PT or doing most of the housework? Each to their own and different people like doing different things.

What I’m saying is I don’t find that attractive, in the same way I’m sure some women don’t find having to do all the wifework attractive. I’ve also said twice I don’t expect to be “totally” financially supported .

Since I keep getting asked what I bring to the table I’ll bite 🙄

• attractive (I’m not a model but I am good looking if a little over weight
• take pride in my appearance and I plan to continue to do so because it’s something I enjoy
• financial stability/independence so far
• happy to do most of the wifework
• I really enjoy cooking so happy to do most of that
• intelligent (post grad educated) and working in a senior role
• kind and loving

I really think you don't really have a clue OP & are looking at this very simplisticly.

What if you are up all night with baby, say 3 hours sleep, and then had to go to your job and then come home and do the 'wife work' as you put it (housework, cooking) and this happens for several months
Hey, even years.

Oh and maybe you had a toddler as well. And maybe your baby has bad colic or health issues etc doing all the childcare is bloody hard work.
But you've already agreed with your husband, that is your role. Because it's a 'trade off' because of what your bring to the table (in your list)
The kind of man you want to marry will not expect to get involved with all that because, well, you only have a part time job. And you agreed.
Marriage is a team surely? Supporting each other?
Absolute bonkers to say to a man you will do all of that.

One thing I am a bit confused about with stay at home dads is that one of the big arguments used in terms of women working is they need to keep their independence, have their own finances etc, in case of divorce. But, I have also seen the scenario on here where because the man was the “primary caregiver”, in the event of a split the mum loses main custody and is the one having to pay maintenance (and you could argue the man is leaving himself vulnerable financially). Now if it came to a choice of having a marriage end where I had to start over financially, or have a marriage end where I lose my kids and have to pay to keep my ex? Well I’d rather have the kids, even if we were starting from scratch. If you both work and share care then obviously it’s different, but If your partner is a house husband aren’t you worried about that scenario? You can say you trust him but then why shouldn’t a woman trust a guy in that case?

I think the ideal is both parents working and sharing care - some friends of mine both worked part-time or compressed hours so they could both have days at home with the dc. I know not everyone has that option but it seems like it's seldom considered, it's usually assumed that only one will make a change.

@Meruem

One thing I am a bit confused about with stay at home dads is that one of the big arguments used in terms of women working is they need to keep their independence, have their own finances etc, in case of divorce. But, I have also seen the scenario on here where because the man was the “primary caregiver”, in the event of a split the mum loses main custody and is the one having to pay maintenance (and you could argue the man is leaving himself vulnerable financially). Now if it came to a choice of having a marriage end where I had to start over financially, or have a marriage end where I lose my kids and have to pay to keep my ex? Well I’d rather have the kids, even if we were starting from scratch. If you both work and share care then obviously it’s different, but If your partner is a house husband aren’t you worried about that scenario? You can say you trust him but then why shouldn’t a woman trust a guy in that case?

If a marriage ends you don't typically "pay to keep your ex", you pay CMS (I think 10% of salary) which is to go towards your children's cost of living. It wouldn't touch the sides. The starting point is (I think) the resident parent still having the obligation to pay rent / mortgage costs for the home they live in with the kids. If they can't afford to do this in the former marital home then a sale is made and marital assets divided. And where couples actually genuinely want to share custody and both parties are reasonable they can work to a 50/50 arrangement which means neither pays the other CMS as they are equal in terms of childcare.

@category12

I think the ideal is both parents working and sharing care - some friends of mine both worked part-time or compressed hours so they could both have days at home with the dc. I know not everyone has that option but it seems like it's seldom considered, it's usually assumed that only one will make a change.

I agree I would love this and would really welcome it becoming more normalised for everyone's sake.

I wouldn't be overly impressed by a SAHD either. I would assume he had some mental health issue or something that meant he couldn't work (I know this isn't always the case.) Are you this judgemental over SAHMs? One of us had to be a SAHP because of DSs medical needs. If it had been him it would have been because I earned more not because he was some how incapacitated. What an odd perspective on people and choice

Yes I agree. Childcare should be valued a lot more than it is and not just for women to sort out.
It is hard and it is valuable.

Sadly there is still an awful lot of stigmas attached to being a SAHD. The general assumption is that he is only taking on that role because of some perceived failure, lazy, unambitious, lost his job or just a good old fashioned cocklodger. God forbid the couple might have actually had a sit down and agreed the best path for them towards child care. My brother was a SAHD, he had a tough time at preschool as many mums either thought at worse that he was a failure in life or at best needed lots of unsolicited advice on how to best raise his kids because men clearly just can't do it right. He was a geophysicist by the way, well regarded in his field and returned to work when the kids were old enough.

The problem is OP that the kind of bloke you are talking about— if he’s a bit old fashioned, kind, successful and tall and good looking will be happily with someone - or if he isn’t then he’s probably some lady on here’s ex hubby , that she’s dropped because of him sexting someone like yourself or tight as a ducks arse etc— seriously if you start doing tick lists you will drive yourself nuts and it’s extremely presumptuous too to expect that you will be able to work part time , many women thought that too and it didn’t work out, successful men often lose their jobs, get sick, go bankrupt etc , think about it the other way- if a bloke was saying I want to meet someone successful so I can work part time- folks would be calling him names etc

I wouldn't be overly impressed by a SAHD either. I would assume he had some mental health issue or something that meant he couldn't work (I know this isn't always the case.)

What?! A mental health issue? This is crackers. There are an increasing number of couples where wife is higher earner and goes back to work.

@doadeer @BlingLoving @SleepingStandingUp I'm not saying women can't go back to work. And I know work is usually pretty dire. But I would think there was something wrong with a man that didn't work. My dad quit work due to MH when I was 13, leaving my mum to have to go from part to full time to support the family singlehandedly and ensure we could keep our home. I lost all respect for him for leaving her in the lurch.

Yes, women can be SAHMs. But a bloke being a SAHD isn't conventional. There will be some reason for it, even if it's just that he couldn't earn as much as her (who would want a man who was not as successful as themselves, or more? I'd want any man I had to impress me with his abilities and accomplishments in the wider world; be more successful than me, etc.)

Oh and I've always liked older guys. I'm not saying that there aren't potential downsides to my 'kink' of wanting a man who is superior to me. But then, to be inferior to me a bloke would probably be in a long stay mental health unit, anyway.

@category12 Your model is probably the best.

He was a geophysicist by the way, well regarded in his field and returned to work when the kids were old enough.

Ah ok, so he was unable to work due to a mental health crisis for a few years, then went back to work? I would imagine that that was the case.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Quite a few of my friends went through phases of looking for someone "old fashioned". Not because they were looking to be kept women but because a lot of the men our age (I'm 30 but this probably peaked a few years back) were overgrown children

I'm sure the fine dining, city breaks and designer gifts had no impact on the decision to date a solvent older man.

Fair enough. However, most of the men were not especially wealthy, likely more financially secure than someone our own age but nowhere near enough for those things to be standard.

My dad quit work due to MH when I was 13, leaving my mum to have to go from part to full time to support the family singlehandedly and ensure we could keep our home. I lost all respect for him for leaving her in the lurch.

Wait, what?! That is your take home from the situation? Even when you look back on it with adult eyes?

Rather than respecting your mother and father for being a team and doing what was best for the family to give him time to recover from his MH issues? You resent him for that?

Christ, I hope you're never with someone who has a mental health crisis or what will you do, leave them because you won't respect them any more? What about a physical health crisis, is that permissible or still deemed a reason for losing respect?

backseatcookers I would say he grew up with an alpha mother. His dad earned less and was not much involved in the childcare. He saw him as a poor father figure and didn’t want to be like him.

He is very competitive and it would make him feel like a failure as a man if he didn’t earn more than me. He is competitive in everything. That is just who he is. He competes with me to get the better christmas present etc and isn’t happy if I beat him. There was a period when he was out of work and I upped my hours to compensate. He was obviously not happy about this but was not against it happening. just wanted it to be temporary ( it was a forced period due to competition issues and setting up his own business).

I'd want any man I had to impress me with his abilities and accomplishments in the wider world; be more successful than me, etc.)

I couldn't disagree with this more. Or your entire perspective. I want my man to impress me with his heart and his mind. How kind he is to those around him, how he makes me laugh... I don't care that he hasn't climbed mount everest or isnt CEO of Apple!

If I work full time I earn more than my partner because I'm a consultant and charge a big day rate. We don't measure our worth and success on how who earns more. We support each others success, it's not a competition.

I see lots of SAHD near me and I think it's great 👏

Yes. I wanted the same when I was dating 4 years ago. I would suggest you read 'Not your mothers rules' and India Kang's books plus join all the associated fb groups. You will find support there if you want that kind of man ( you won't get it here. You'll only get flamed). I never ever paid on a date and was never asked to. I actually enjoyed the dating process which took about a year with those methods. My dh is a very generous, chivalrous man who I love dearly and makes me feel cherished.

@SoulofanAggron
Iost all respect for him for leaving her in the lurch. Jesus you've got some unhealthy attitudes about mh. I really hope you never have such a crisis. He was ILL ffs

And I'm not even Gina attempt to unpack your thing about wagering to be inferior to your partner.

@SoulofanAggron has time-travelled from the 1950s, and needs to find herself a copy of The Feminine Mystique sharpish.

OP, you sound as green as grass and positively constipated with internalised misogyny. Why not spend some time on the feminism board raising your consciousness and figuring out why someone treating you as an equal is so profoundly unattractive to you?

Yes this Gubbeen.
I can't believe a young woman in this day & age thinks likes this but then harps on how independent she is.
If you marry the man you are describing OP you are going to have a massive shock. And it will all that you wanted.