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Original poster

Do old fashioned men still exist?

356 replies

BooFuckingHoo2 · 11/08/2020 09:33

Was going to NC but fuck it Grin

I’m approaching 30 and I’ve been single for a couple of years now. I’m definitely attracted to a specific type of man, I.e. someone who’s “dominant”, has a good job and wants to play the traditional “man” role. (Also being tall and good looking helps Grin).

When I say traditional “man” role I mean be earning at least equal to me and be the main “provider” of the family if we were to have kids in future (I’d want to go PT). I also find it attractive when men are assertive and protective of their families and have strong morals/are chivalrous.

It seems these type of men are becoming either vanishingly rare or the ones that do exist are total dickheads! I OLD and 50% of the men I meet (and I screen them extensively first Grin) turn out to be very passive and (I’ll be flamed for this) want me to pay half on a first date ShockGrin.

Has anyone got a “traditional” DH/DP or does anyone dare to admit this is what they want?

Do these men still exist (non dick head ones) and how can I make sure I attract them?

OP posts:
Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 21:32

@Aerial2020

I'm not being pedantic.
You pick up on the fact my DH helps with childcare, and I noted that the OP never said she doesn't want DH to help our all the time, just that she wants to do the majority.

No I don't have any daughters.

However, if I did, I would raise them with the knowledge that they can choose to have a relationship that suits them best, that brings them joy and that prioritises what they want and need.

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 21:34

I was asking the other poster if they have daughters and it overlapped.

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 21:36

@Aerial2020

Oh. You definitely quoted me when asking!

category12 · 13/08/2020 21:39

I enjoy seeing to his every whim, I like it

Are you some sort of surrendered wife or something?

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 21:44

@category12

Possibly, but I don't view it as a negative thing.

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 21:45

I find it strange that a woman in this day & age would find pride in doing everything.
And for women that do and have daughters, what is that teaching them about men &women in roles in the home?
And if you have sons, what does that teach them?
I'm truly surprised that in 2020, this is how some women want to live in a relationship.

A person in a family cant do everything. Man or woman. What is the point of being in a partnership? Why would you take pride in seeing to a mans every whim?
It makes you feel better? It makes you feel worth?
I really don't know.

LexMitior · 13/08/2020 21:50

There’s a play about this called “Home I’m Darling” about a woman who engages in her fantasy to be a 1950s style wife. Very funny to watch - not so funny to live it!

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 21:53

@Aerial2020

It is strange, odd and unusual!

But I will teach my son, the same as I would tell a daughter, that you have a choice in how you wish to live your life. That even if your choice is strange, you are entitled to live that way providing it doesn't negatively impact others.

It does make me feel better, no matter how bizarre that may be to you.

category12 · 13/08/2020 22:01

Do your dc do chores/get involved in cooking and household things? Do they participate equally if different sexes? If you have a son, do you not think he'll grow up thinking there are "pink" jobs and "blue" jobs?

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 22:03

@category12
My sons favourite toy is his mini cleaning set and hoover and he helps me chop food for dinner every night. If he had a sister, chores would be equally and fairly divided

category12 · 13/08/2020 22:08

Young then.

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 22:08

How old is hs?
Toddlers and young children will play like that. As they get older and watch adults, their play and language will change as they will copy. The adults around them is who they learn from.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2020 22:11

[quote Illegitiminoncarborundum]@Aerial2020

Whenever I am sick he takes on any job that is required and is the first to tell me to rest and recover.
But day to day when everyone is well I take on the main load of everything.
I enjoy seeing to his every whim, I like it[/quote]
See I get that you like seeing to his every need and whim, but it's the man who is willing to sit there and be waited on hand and foot I question. Of course it's nice I love my DH making me a drink, I barely ever put the kettle on, but then he rarely puts the cooker on so it balances out.
I would an how amazing is the man who would sit there all night whilst his partner does everything for him and doesn't get equal down time

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 22:11

Its all well and good saying you will teach your children do what will make you happy, choice on live your life etc but what they see and what they grow up in is their normal. They will then take that into relationships
If you are happy in your role, surely your boy will look for a woman similar as he had learnt that is how women behave in the home?

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 22:13

Sorry, presumptuous of a heterosexual relationship and roles before I get jumped on for that.

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 22:15

@Aerial2020

He might do, but I will always try and make it clearly that the set up I have works for me and that he must respect women and not expect his relationships to be the same

Surely feminism is about choice. Making sure women have a choice.

My husband would happily do everything if I wanted, but he doesn't because I don't want it, and that is what I choose.

YRGAM · 13/08/2020 22:16

Date Russian men. Not wanting to generalise, but the attitude and relationship beliefs you are after are still very common in Russian society, even among the younger generation. Your appearance will have to be immaculate though.

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/08/2020 22:17

I confess I'm a bit puzzled by Illegitimi's set up. At first it sounded as though her husband was a plonker who proved his alpha masculinity by being defeated by washing machines while she was the only one who was actually capable of causing anything to happen at home. When people said that this made him sound kind of useless, he became an engaged, hands on father and husband who took the kids for his fair share of time and allowed her to have lie-ins and "me time", and of course she does more at home because she works fewer hours. On hearing that that sounded like a pretty normal set up and not particularly unusual, it then became about seeing to his "every whim" (her words) and being the superwoman who works while running the home single handed, and presumably battling Lex Luthor against the skyline before dinner at six. I'm not entirely sure how you know which one it's going to be at any given time - it all sounds a bit quantum to me - but it does seem to depend on how people are reacting to it and a desire to appear "strange, odd and unusual" - again, not my words. I actually think that these boards are overflowing with women who work and also have to do all the housework and childcare. The other types of guys seem stranger, odder and more unusual than that...

But never mind. If she's genuinely happy with this set up, whatever it actually is when it's in an observable form, that's all that matters. Perhaps she's in the best position to advise OP. But to be honest, if you truly enjoy earning good money while doing all the housework and childcare with your husband idle when at home, you don't need any advice in how to find the man of your dreams. I'm pretty sure they'll be beating a path to your door. And the rest of us will thank you for keeping them away.

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 22:17

And here I thought feminism was about equality.

If your husband wanted to do things, as an alpha ' male, of course he would as you wouldn't have a choice or tell him what to do. Of course he likes you doing it all

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 22:18

But telling your son and doing it differently is not the same. They learn from what they see

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2020 22:23

he must respect women and not expect his relationships to be the same surely your aloha male who CAN do everything and WOULD do everything but you won't let him should be modelling respecting women

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 22:26

@ShebaShimmyShake

I'm responding as the conversation develops. But you seem set on some form of argument, so I'll ignore you.

@Aerial2020

Of course they learn from what they see. But why should I change my entire relationship, the dynamics and switch to a set up that I don't enjoy to model something that you approve of?

Of course it is also about equality. An equal say in a relationship what each person desires and wants.

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/08/2020 22:32

See, I can't square these two statements:

DH enjoys being the 'alpha male'

My husband would happily do everything if I wanted, but he doesn't because I don't want it, and that is what I choose.

I'm lost, sorry Illegitimi. If it works for you then great, that's all that matters. It's just that it all sounds a bit wave/particle. Dual states existing at the same time and changing depending on how they're being observed. But if you're happy, that's grand. I just hope you don't have a cat.

Do old fashioned men still exist?
Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 22:34

Hmmmm. You protest too much yes?
If this suits you, crack on. Nothing to do what I approve of. I'm a stranger on the internet you have nothing to prove to
I'm only thinking of the years women have fought for rights, to have support at home,
to not HAVE to do everything. Because men need to do their domestic fair share and god forbid work too.
Being like a mother to your partner (looking after all his needs) cos it makes you feel good and for your worth says more about your upbringing and embedded values.
But don't pretend you are teaching your son about equality.
Nothin equal about your set up.

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 22:40

@Aerial2020

I protest too much? I'm not quite sure what you mean by that.

Women protested for rights? Absolutely. I have a right to choose the dynamics in the relationship that suit me best.

Women fought for support at home? Brilliant. I choose to not have support with the cleaning etc a majority of the time. It's there if I want it, but I don't. Once again, my choice. A choice that in previous years I might not have had a say in, but now I do, and I still choose it.

Men need to do their domestic fair share? Nope. Not in my house. Why? Because my choice, again.

You seem to really struggle to understand how someone can live a different way to you. And quite honestly, that says a whole lot more about you than any of my posts have about me.

I would much rather choose to be a person who lives differently to others and yet very happily, but at the same time understands thoroughly and deeply why someone might not live the same as I do, and accept at the same time that is ok because everyone is entitled to live their own way, than to be someone like you, someone who lacks such a capability.