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Original poster

Do old fashioned men still exist?

356 replies

BooFuckingHoo2 · 11/08/2020 09:33

Was going to NC but fuck it Grin

I’m approaching 30 and I’ve been single for a couple of years now. I’m definitely attracted to a specific type of man, I.e. someone who’s “dominant”, has a good job and wants to play the traditional “man” role. (Also being tall and good looking helps Grin).

When I say traditional “man” role I mean be earning at least equal to me and be the main “provider” of the family if we were to have kids in future (I’d want to go PT). I also find it attractive when men are assertive and protective of their families and have strong morals/are chivalrous.

It seems these type of men are becoming either vanishingly rare or the ones that do exist are total dickheads! I OLD and 50% of the men I meet (and I screen them extensively first Grin) turn out to be very passive and (I’ll be flamed for this) want me to pay half on a first date ShockGrin.

Has anyone got a “traditional” DH/DP or does anyone dare to admit this is what they want?

Do these men still exist (non dick head ones) and how can I make sure I attract them?

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 12/08/2020 23:52

If you want a ‘traditional man’ you could probably find loads on Arab or Indian aimed matrimonial websites. While most would be looking for women of the same religion or culture there are some who are open to meeting someone from a different culture and it can work.

A family friend met his white English wife after she registered on the most famous Indian matrimonial website - he was so traditional about gender roles to the point where he couldn’t find any woman willing to put up with him. Even randoms on the website got put off. Then his wife arrived and it was like a match in heaven lol. She needed to assimilate into his culture, learn how to speak his parents’ language etc but in exchange he adores her and supports her with everything from family, friends, to her kids. But there are issues. Per his culture he basically just gives her all of the money he earns to do with as she pleases and run the house and I know she finds managing the bills / savings etc.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/08/2020 23:53

stressful. She finds running the household bills stressful.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2020 01:23

@Illegitiminoncarborundum

I'm not sure why people feel the need to be so utterly confused about the fact someone else can live their life differently

Just because it isn't what works for you, it doesn't mean it doesn't work for everyone.

I love the set up my husband and I have.

There is no need to be rude and judgemental about it.

People are just asking for an explanation of something they don't understand. If doing 75% of it all works for you, great, but what is it that works?
People have talked why this doesn't work for them so genuinely, what's so great about your set up?

Is it that you get to be financially independent and do the traditional wife roll so best of both world iyo?

Do you like to feel "superior" because you can earn pretty similar to him AND you're the only one keeping home going / "inferior" because you have to work AND ask the house - a few posters have mentioned wanting to feel inferior in their relationships
Something else?

DillonPanthersTexas · 13/08/2020 07:32

She finds running the household bills stressful.

In mumsnet land looking after the bills is akin to running a FTSE listed company. Do keep up.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 13/08/2020 07:43

@BooFuckingHoo2

I don’t think I’m judgemental at all about men going PT or doing most of the housework? Each to their own and different people like doing different things.

What I’m saying is I don’t find that attractive, in the same way I’m sure some women don’t find having to do all the wifework attractive. I’ve also said twice I don’t expect to be “totally” financially supported Hmm.

Since I keep getting asked what I bring to the table I’ll bite 🙄

  • attractive (I’m not a model but I am good looking if a little over weight
  • take pride in my appearance and I plan to continue to do so because it’s something I enjoy
  • financial stability/independence so far
  • happy to do most of the wifework
  • I really enjoy cooking so happy to do most of that
  • intelligent (post grad educated) and working in a senior role
  • kind and loving
So your plan is to work three days a week, look after the children, do all of the housework and wifework but still have time to look attractive? What about when the children are ill, on school holidays or school is closed? How will work feel about you having to cover all of that because your role is to do childcare?
Mayorquimby2 · 13/08/2020 08:20

"
In mumsnet land looking after the bills is akin to running a FTSE listed company. Do keep up."

And renewing passports once every ten years is also given equal status on the list of responsibilities to "he works"

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 10:36

@SleepingStandingUp

I just genuinely really enjoy being able to 'look after' my husband, for want of a better word.

I earn nearly the same, yet work less hours, and I take great pride in the fact he comes home to dinner on the table and a clean house.

He really appreciates it, and always offers to help in any way he can, but I just (weirdly) love cooking and cleaning.

He always puts DS to bed and gets up early with him in the morning so I have time to myself which is lovely.

My job is much less stressful than his so I want him to come home to calm/relaxation and not a whole host of things to do

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/08/2020 10:55

[quote Illegitiminoncarborundum]@SleepingStandingUp

I just genuinely really enjoy being able to 'look after' my husband, for want of a better word.

I earn nearly the same, yet work less hours, and I take great pride in the fact he comes home to dinner on the table and a clean house.

He really appreciates it, and always offers to help in any way he can, but I just (weirdly) love cooking and cleaning.

He always puts DS to bed and gets up early with him in the morning so I have time to myself which is lovely.

My job is much less stressful than his so I want him to come home to calm/relaxation and not a whole host of things to do[/quote]
Once again, this isn't weird to me. You work fewer hours, so you do more housework and you like feeling that you're nurturing your family. I don't think that needs a special term or a specialist website.

Where you lost me and made me think you might not be serious (although I didn't say it) was in saying it made your husband feel like an "alpha male". Again, woman who works part time and does a corresponding amount of extra housework is just... very common. I do that and so do a shed ton of mothers I know. And my husband also makes sure I get time to myself because that's what a loving husband and father does. Now it's "alpha male" too? I must be higher up the pecking order than I realised, except we all seem to be doing it!

This post puts your earlier one in a very different light. The first one made it sound like your husband was one of those twats who likes to swagger about like the Big Man while his wife does the shitwork and he gets outsmarted by a washing machine...not really what I'd call "alpha", although I try to avoid that term anyway. This just sounds sort of...normal? Well, apart from actively enjoying cleaning but if you do, hell, you'll never have to worry about finding a partner ever.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/08/2020 12:25

[quote Illegitiminoncarborundum]@SleepingStandingUp

I just genuinely really enjoy being able to 'look after' my husband, for want of a better word.

I earn nearly the same, yet work less hours, and I take great pride in the fact he comes home to dinner on the table and a clean house.

He really appreciates it, and always offers to help in any way he can, but I just (weirdly) love cooking and cleaning.

He always puts DS to bed and gets up early with him in the morning so I have time to myself which is lovely.

My job is much less stressful than his so I want him to come home to calm/relaxation and not a whole host of things to do[/quote]
Even if you didn’t like caring for your family, the very fact that you work fewer hours means you’d be a dick if you didn’t do more in terms of the housework / childcare.

namechange12a · 13/08/2020 17:34

Thought of you OP.

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 17:39

[quote Illegitiminoncarborundum]@SleepingStandingUp

I just genuinely really enjoy being able to 'look after' my husband, for want of a better word.

I earn nearly the same, yet work less hours, and I take great pride in the fact he comes home to dinner on the table and a clean house.

He really appreciates it, and always offers to help in any way he can, but I just (weirdly) love cooking and cleaning.

He always puts DS to bed and gets up early with him in the morning so I have time to myself which is lovely.

My job is much less stressful than his so I want him to come home to calm/relaxation and not a whole host of things to do[/quote]
But this isn't the same as what the OP is saying. Your partner helps with the children.

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 17:40

Sorry, not 'help', cares for his children.

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 19:13

@Aerial2020

When he is at home from work, yes, he will put them to bed.

But I haven't seen the OP mention childcare or that she doesn't want a husband to do this in any of her posts? She has only stated that she doesn't want a SAHD

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2020 20:18

This post puts your earlier one in a very different light. The first one made it sound like your husband was one of those twats who likes to swagger about like the Big Man while his wife does the shitwork and he gets outsmarted by a washing machine...not really what I'd call "alpha", although I try to avoid that term anyway. This just sounds sort of...normal? Well, apart from actively enjoying cleaning but if you do, hell, you'll never have to worry about finding a partner ever
Well yes, rather

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 20:40

[quote Illegitiminoncarborundum]@Aerial2020

When he is at home from work, yes, he will put them to bed.

But I haven't seen the OP mention childcare or that she doesn't want a husband to do this in any of her posts? She has only stated that she doesn't want a SAHD[/quote]
She said she was willing to trade doing the wife work duties of housework & childcare.

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 20:42

Another poster mentioned SAHD.

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 21:03

@Aerial2020

She said a vast majority of, not all.

I do the vast majority of cleaning/cooking/childcare, at least 80%

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 21:06

@ShebaShimmyShake

But that is your opinion as to whether that sort of set up makes a man a twat.

Even when I did work exactly the same hours as DH, I still did everything. We got home at the same time, but his job brought him more stress, and so I enjoyed 'looking after' him etc

It wasn't that he was being a twat by getting home and putting his feet up, simply that I enjoyed and still enjoy doing anything.

It gives me a huge amount of pride to know I balance everything well and maintain a job and keep the house running

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 21:09

[quote Illegitiminoncarborundum]@Aerial2020

She said a vast majority of, not all.

I do the vast majority of cleaning/cooking/childcare, at least 80%[/quote]
Oh for goodness sake.

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 21:12

[quote Illegitiminoncarborundum]@ShebaShimmyShake

But that is your opinion as to whether that sort of set up makes a man a twat.

Even when I did work exactly the same hours as DH, I still did everything. We got home at the same time, but his job brought him more stress, and so I enjoyed 'looking after' him etc

It wasn't that he was being a twat by getting home and putting his feet up, simply that I enjoyed and still enjoy doing anything.

It gives me a huge amount of pride to know I balance everything well and maintain a job and keep the house running[/quote]
Sounds more like Martyrdom.
A man isn't a child that needs looking after seeing to his every whim.
What happens if you ever get sick? How does the house manage then or do you then swap roles?

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 21:13

@Aerial2020

What?

You were saying that my situation was different because my partner helps out with the children sometimes, this is no different to what the OP wants.

She wants to be able to do the majority, with the partner doing a small amount.

Just like my situation.

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 13/08/2020 21:14

@Aerial2020

Whenever I am sick he takes on any job that is required and is the first to tell me to rest and recover.
But day to day when everyone is well I take on the main load of everything.
I enjoy seeing to his every whim, I like it

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 21:15

I think other posters as well a myself have started its not the same as your set up.
But I'm not arguing with you about it.
I said for goodness sake because you are being pedantic.

Aerial2020 · 13/08/2020 21:16

[quote Illegitiminoncarborundum]@Aerial2020

Whenever I am sick he takes on any job that is required and is the first to tell me to rest and recover.
But day to day when everyone is well I take on the main load of everything.
I enjoy seeing to his every whim, I like it[/quote]
Do you have daughters?

WTF99 · 13/08/2020 21:23

I think you need to get a time machine back to the 1950s. Good luck.