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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner said something awful about my appearance when drunk. Wwyd?

159 replies

sohurtandangry · 10/08/2020 14:30

Last night me and my partner were watching a film and having a drink. He drank more than usual and we'd had a busy day so hadn't had our evening meal yet, so he was pretty drunk. I had only had one drink.

We were laughing and sort of play fighting with cushions, when he suddenly said something horrible about my appearance. It wasn't at all like he meant to hurt me, it was like he was so drunk that he was sort of 'thinking out loud' . As soon as he realised he said it there was a look of 'oh shit' on his face.

He quickly maintained it was a joke.

I've been really upset since. He still maintaining it was a joke apparently even though it's pretty obvious it wasn't. I'm getting angry, he just wants me to shut up and for it to be brushed under the carpet - keeps saying it was a joke and I should get over it and he can't be bothered with me apparently. He did hug me and apologise for upsetting me but still maintains it was a joke.

I'm just so so unbelievably hurt. It's something I've really struggled to overcome (what he said about) and he knows this. Now it feels like he just said it didn't bother him when it actually does.

We have DC so I can't just walk away over one comment!. I don't see how things can work now though.

What would you do? And what would you say to him now? He's away to work and I want to message him.

OP posts:
Perching · 10/08/2020 14:32

Well you have to say what he said!
You have mousy hair = yabu
Your vagina is like a cavern = yanbu

BoxhillBertha · 10/08/2020 14:32

it depends what it was!

Did you challenge him over it?

workshy44 · 10/08/2020 14:33

Totally depends on what he said

MrsMayo · 10/08/2020 14:33

It depends what he said.

Mummyofboys88 · 10/08/2020 14:35

What did he say????

heartache590 · 10/08/2020 14:35

Your vagina is like a cavern = yanbu

Oh so thats why the ex was upset?! Grin Wink

HipsDoLie · 10/08/2020 14:36

Need more info!

TheQueef · 10/08/2020 14:36

Afraid of you want a verdict you will have to be specific.

TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 14:36

Yes please say what he said - remember you're anonymous here.

JamieLeeCurtains · 10/08/2020 14:38

I'm guessing ears / nose / skin? That's incredibly hurtful. I'm not surprised you're gutted. That's awful behaviour.

UnicornAndSparkles · 10/08/2020 14:38

Depends what was said

Cheetahfajita · 10/08/2020 14:39

I bet it was about your stomach after having kids.

I hope you're okay.

ClamDango · 10/08/2020 14:39

Whatever he said try not to msg him. Whats the point. He has hurt you. Was he really that pissed he couldnt control his gob?

dontdisturbmenow · 10/08/2020 14:39

Well at least you know now but ultimately it is not stopping him living you, so surely that's not a bad thing. There are bound to be things our partners don't find most attractive about us,moreso as we have kids and are.

Is it better that it's being all kept secret or to be honest about it but agreeing that it doesn't really matter. I'd say a mix of the two.

sohurtandangry · 10/08/2020 14:40

Didn't want to be outing just in case but here goes -

It's about my hair loss. I started having patchy hair loss a few years ago.

I've been through all the loss of part of my identity stuff, the feeling unattractive and less feminine, learning to cope with some people's stares and comments.

He's seen me cry about it so many times.

It's not like I've constantly bombarded him with it in recent years though. He knows it's a sticky subject for me still, but it's barely been mentioned the past 18 months or so.

It really, really hurts that he sees me the way he said. At least in that moment he did SadSad

OP posts:
TheQueef · 10/08/2020 14:43

That is unkind.
If it's long running he should absolutely avoid anything remotely upsetting, he knew.
Can you be convinced it was a brain fart? Or does it need making up properly?

LizzieBlackwell · 10/08/2020 14:44

Actually that was a fucking low blow and I’d be incredibly hurt by that. So no, ‘it was just a joke’ wouldn’t cut it For me.

What a wanker Flowers

TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 14:44

Oh that really is below the belt. I'm so sorry OP. He crossed a line.

Singerleon · 10/08/2020 14:46

Not acceptable! Sorry OP, that’s tough

Perching · 10/08/2020 14:47

That is mean.
What does he have to say for himself today?

JamieLeeCurtains · 10/08/2020 14:48

OMG that's so stupidly horrible of him.

Don't message him. Talk it through on here maybe first.

Btw, OP, I noticed about six years ago, a hell of a lot more hair was in my hair brush every morning - I mean, loads of hair - and thyroid treatment and some HRT sorted it out significantly. Sorry if that's insensitive to say so right now when you're so stung by things, it's not meant to be, I thought it might be helpful Flowers

UnicornAndSparkles · 10/08/2020 14:48

Agree with the above. Sorry OP

MrsMayo · 10/08/2020 14:49

I would be so upset too and he has no right to tell you to just move on from it.

If I had said something to my DH as hurtful as that I woul be absolutely gutted and would be worried he was going to end it for being such a bitch.

I'm really sorry you are so upset.

heartache590 · 10/08/2020 14:49

Thatll be a long list of how he is going to make up for that one...

workshy44 · 10/08/2020 14:49

Thats v tough and I know as I have similar hairloss although lucky hair extensions work for me as I have hair on top
If my partner said something cruel about something that was actually wrong with me I'm not sure I could get over it
I would feel so self conscious- you poor thing, that really is awful