Partner said something awful about my appearance when drunk. Wwyd?

[sohurtandangry]

Last night me and my partner were watching a film and having a drink. He drank more than usual and we'd had a busy day so hadn't had our evening meal yet, so he was pretty drunk. I had only had one drink.

We were laughing and sort of play fighting with cushions, when he suddenly said something horrible about my appearance. It wasn't at all like he meant to hurt me, it was like he was so drunk that he was sort of 'thinking out loud' . As soon as he realised he said it there was a look of 'oh shit' on his face.

He quickly maintained it was a joke.

I've been really upset since. He still maintaining it was a joke apparently even though it's pretty obvious it wasn't. I'm getting angry, he just wants me to shut up and for it to be brushed under the carpet - keeps saying it was a joke and I should get over it and he can't be bothered with me apparently. He did hug me and apologise for upsetting me but still maintains it was a joke.

I'm just so so unbelievably hurt. It's something I've really struggled to overcome (what he said about) and he knows this. Now it feels like he just said it didn't bother him when it actually does.

We have DC so I can't just walk away over one comment!. I don't see how things can work now though.

What would you do? And what would you say to him now? He's away to work and I want to message him.

@LeanMeanKillingMachine

Alternative point of view, but I think that you are being way too over sensitive here but then me and my DH have a very jokey relationship.. I have shaved my hair off in lockdown, I am regularly called skinhead, baldy, I take it as it is meant , a joke. He even pointed out a very deep wrinkle of mine yesterday. I know he loves me and we just laugh it off. I call him skinny, it works both ways

Hardly the same situation.

You presumably shaved from choice.

Unknown reasons for hair loss aren't generally a laughing matter.

I have anxiety disorder, but I'm going to try to 'power through' it and try to change things so I have the option of leaving if I want to.

I think that's a good idea. It's horrible to realise that your bloke is something of a tosser. But this might have happened for the best of reasons - to empower you to find you and freedom

Time to tell him you want the house in your name. Or you’re going to work towards separating.

I feel for you. I really do.

I suffered hair loss through illness and even now it comes out in clumps sometimes.

But...I think you’re overreacting!

Worst case scenario is that he thinks it makes you less attractive but he hasn’t said anything because he cares about you and loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you.

Best case is that it was a silly, drunken comment that really isn’t any deeper than that.

I don’t believe the truth comes out when drunk anyway. People say stupid shit that they don’t mean all the time when they’re drunk.

You have an anxiety disorder and you understandably have issues around your hair loss. So I do think that’s playing a big part here.

Honestly, if I unwittingly hurt someone with a comment and had offered apologies and reassurances and it still wasn’t enough, I’d probably switch my phone off too. Because what else do you want in answer to your barrage of messages?

Wanting to hurt him is really vindictive but you’re hurt and lashing out, so I get that.

The difference would be that you would fully and purposely be hurting him while his was an accident.

And this is the man you love?

I'm sorry to hear about how upset you are and it was not nice that he said what he did but I think you do need to try to look at it a little more objectively.

He didn't say he didn't love you. No one is perfect and it would be untrue to say no one notices each other's appearances change. Obviously he noticed it and has been really cruel to say something but he was drunk and stupid and you weren't wearing the headband like usual and so it was more obvious to him - that combo lead to a stupid moment on his part. Do you love him? If so you can definitely move past it.

The issue runs deeper than just the nasty comment. It's in the fact he doesn't care that he hurt her, won't own it and won't validate her feelings. Oh, and the awful financial set up.

We don't know he doesn't care that he hurt her. he's clearly numerous times tried to reassure her in the past about her hair and despite her great sensitivity has largely managed to do that so he clearly cares about her feelings. He immediately had an expression of 'oh shit'. He has apologized and said he didn't want to hurt her, and hugged her. He has, however, had a barrage of texts and continued upset and vindictive anger for simply saying something that the OP already thinks about herself.

His attempt to say it is a joke is I think an attempt to please her and avoid her more upset. The OP has said that what she needs from him is to believe he doesn't actually think that about her appearance, and to be reassured that her hair loss doesn't matter to him. So saying it was a joke (id he didn't mean it and doesn't think that) is the way he sees of trying to do that. He does not have any faith that the alternative - to say, yes sometimes you do look like that - will cause problems that will lead to years of angst (by OP's own admission she holds onto things for years).

What is the guy meant to do?

OP, if you were thinking he was a bad partner and considering leaving before this incident then crack on. If it is based on this comment then I think you are trying to deflect your problem (how you feel about your appearance) onto him. He can't fix how you feel about your appearance.

His attempt to say it is a joke is I think an attempt to please her and avoid her more upset. The OP has said that what she needs from him is to believe he doesn't actually think that about her appearance, and to be reassured that her hair loss doesn't matter to him. So saying it was a joke (id he didn't mean it and doesn't think that) is the way he sees of trying to do that. He does not have any faith that the alternative - to say, yes sometimes you do look like that - will cause problems that will lead to years of angst (by OP's own admission she holds onto things for years)

Kind of this I think. He knows that what he said will cause me to feel awful about myself and it won't be short term. So he is trying to make out it was a 'joke'. I think he does care that it hurt my feelings, but it's more that he doesn't like conflict and can't be bothered dealing with the fallout. Him getting angry that I can't just pretend to swallow the bullshit and immediately go back to normal I think shows he doesn't care that much about my feelings. He did care a bit though, could see it in his face.

It's in my personality to want the truth, no matter how uncomfortable - I'd rather the truth. So the fact he isn't owning it and is making up some frankly ridiculous crap about it being a 'joke' is making me angry. Although I do see why he's doing it.

I'm still really hurt but a bit more numb. I'm thinking I can't see how this can be fixed. I know it wasn't a joke, I can't un hear it. With one sentence he's put a big dent in our relationship, but if I don't pretend to let it go, he'll make it into my fault.

Regards the rest of the stuff, it's complicated. In some ways the relationship is really good, in some ways it's really awful. There's not really many in-betweens. Which makes it difficult to make a decision, so we kind of just trundle on. I'd like to at least be in a position to leave if I wanted to though, because resentment has built up in me that I cannot leave if I wanted, although he seems to think I could, he's not deliberately trapping me or anything.

He's still not talking to me other than the minimum. Still trying to avoid me. I did say some nasty things on the texts though.

Argh it's a mess.

This situation sounds toxic at this stage.

You said some nasty things over text? Why? Was it that important to hurt him? Because if it was, how can this be an environment that you want your children in? How can that be how you want to live?

He made one comment. And he might even mean it. If it’s something you can’t get over then what choice do you have but to leave?*

• I’m not saying you should just get over it.

@Ohcaptain

I guess I sent the texts because I wanted to hurt him because he's hurt me and just going about his life as usual. It wasn't anything about his appearance or anything, just anger and ranting.

It has nothing to do with the DC. As I said, we rarely ever argue, it's not like we bicker and there's an atmosphere often. Admittedly there is one now though.

I know he meant it, at least fleetingly.

I'm not in a position to leave yet. Although recently I've been thinking I need to get myself into a position where I feasibly can leave without causing huge upheaval. This has solidified that.

It's not something I will be able to get over quickly if at all. It isn't like an extra stone, it's been a huge deal for me, I have to get up the courage each day to go out into the world and face the stares, sniggers, and even just people treating me slightly differently. He's always been adamant it didn't bother him in the slightest, i always silently had my doubts about that, but hoped otherwise. Now it's been confirmed that it does bother him even a little, it hurts and making me question everything.

I wish I had more confidence, less drama etc, but that's just not me.

Not that I definitely want to leave, just to not be in such a vulnerable position where I can't.

I think honestly he wasn't being vindictive in his comment, thoughtless and unintentionally cruel, maybe yes. But not vindictive.

You however were vindictive in your texts. I think you should be apologising. I think you also need to realise that your self worth and confidence need to come from you and not others. It was a horrid comment but he regretted it immediately, and to be honest, my husband's said worse to me and I've just had to get over it (because his intention was never to hurt me).

You say you want honestly but cut him off at the knees for giving it to you. I think you need to realise every time you react like this you're getting further away from honesty and further into toxicity and confusion.

I only read the posts at the beginning and the end I know there's so many more issues. Good luck OP.

So he said you look like a drug addict.
But you say you think the exact same thing when it comes to you looking in the mirror op :*(
So he basically hit a nerve by saying what you are thinking yourself.
It is a shitty thing to say forsure. And i am sure he didnt get super drunk after just some drinks (even with nosupper) and probably was just typsy. So I wouldnt perse go down the truthserum road.

Step 1 would to be to tell him to apologize properly
Step 2 for you to stop saying you look like a drug addict
Step 3 is to fix how you look considering you feelso bloody aweful about your looks.
Maybe learn to contour your face
, and try to enhance certain features you like. And the hair is a terrible thing for you i am very sorry. Can you not get it cut short? It might already look much nicer and fuller. There is certain paints (special for the hair) that sort of hide the bold patches to make it look more even. Or maybe consider going to an african american hairdresser and see if they were able to put in a weave?

Wow. You send him a bunch of nasty texts ? why come down to his level...

She sent the texts because he hurt her but isn't emotionally mature enough to be honest and discuss the issues-she's not perfect but to pile on to her and be sanctimonious is unnecessary

But my thinking is if this is how the OP reacts to any sort of critisism it's extremely hard for him to be honest. It was one comment, that he didn't intend to make. If I said something that inadvertantly hurt someone I cared about and they sent me a barrage of angry texts I'd not know what to do about it.

@sohurtandangry ok so what’s the plan? Stay angry and hurt and miserable for five years while you get yourself in a position to leave?

If you think that won’t affect your children, that is naive at best. I guarantee you that it will.

I can't leave without serious issues. We are not married, it's his house. My job has hours which aren't covered by any childcare and so he has to look after DC whilst I'm at work, I've no other childcare. When we split before years ago he made things really awkward regards childcare and threatened to go for full custody. To leave I'd have to find some rental which would take me on with my poor credit rating, quit my job, and possibly fight him re residency. It's not just as simple as leave. Realistically i need to get into a position of having a full time stable job with compatible hours.

The hair can't be fixed. I've been to dermatologists, had treatments etc. It's hairpieces and headbands or just cover it up really.

I'm not trying to dismiss anyone's suggestions, just saying it how it is. It's not insurmountable but it's very difficult.

I suppose my only option is to try and get over it somehow. For now. I know he wasn't being vindictive, but it hurts that he must've seen me that way. I don't know how to get over it.

I think you should let it go OP. I can see how you are hurt but people can say things without thinking or consider how you feel.

I've calmed down a bit now.

I don't see how I can get over it (in myself) though ?? I can forgive but how can I have sex with him or go anywhere together, knowing at any point he could be looking at me and thinking that ??

I ordered some new clothes last night, in an attempt to make myself feel better.

The issue is less that he made a thoughtless comment while drunk and more that he won't take the hurt he caused you seriously. And you say there's a history.

I don't think you should feel you have to put up with it.

@ShebaShimmyShake He definitely did feel bad about hurting me, I could tell from his face the next morning. His apology was genuine. You are right that he isn't taking it seriously though. He expected to apologise and that be the end of it, completely back to normal.

And yes, he is like that with everything. He cannot handle being in the wrong ever, he hates confrontation. He always says how he just wants a 'stress free existence' and how he deserves this now he's in his 40s . To be fair, I can be quite tricky to deal with as I have anxiety and over analyse things. But every single thing I bring up is dismissed as 'agitating' .

We don't have much to argue about in general, but when we do nothing ever really gets resolved, just goes round and round. I need to get in a position to leave if I wanted to. Because right now there's not much point in saying if you don't communicate I'll leave, because I can't go through with it.

I hope you come to some resolution, even just within yourself. Often trying to figure out what’s best for moving forward is so so confusing it just leaves you feeling very drained. Wishing you some peace and clarity very soon

It is very painful OP. I am sorry.

I think you are right that this is fundamentally about coming to terms with your own appearance, yourself. I had real self esteem issues around weight in the past. One thing I did which was very helpful was to force myself to look at myself naked.... just look. And gently notice what my body was actually like - its beauty, its ugliness, its stretch marks, its patchy, hairy bits, everything.... from every angle... quietly, peacefully. At first it was very hard. In time, I was able to do it better. I could list the things that were objectively ugly and the things that were nicer, but with compassion and acceptance, not judgement or cruelty. I was able to look and say 'this is me and that's ok'.

I was then able to say 'this is not all of me.... I am also other things (characteristics etc).... and, I can enjoy looking after me.... thinking about clothes, colors etc that made me happy to wear... then and only then was I able to imagine someone else might want me - not that they'd blindly see the good bits, but that all of me was ok and could still even be desirable...

Hope this is useful in some way.

We have DC so I can't just walk away over one comment!

Depends on the comment and the intention, surely.