Partner said something awful about my appearance when drunk. Wwyd?

[sohurtandangry]

Last night me and my partner were watching a film and having a drink. He drank more than usual and we'd had a busy day so hadn't had our evening meal yet, so he was pretty drunk. I had only had one drink.

We were laughing and sort of play fighting with cushions, when he suddenly said something horrible about my appearance. It wasn't at all like he meant to hurt me, it was like he was so drunk that he was sort of 'thinking out loud' . As soon as he realised he said it there was a look of 'oh shit' on his face.

He quickly maintained it was a joke.

I've been really upset since. He still maintaining it was a joke apparently even though it's pretty obvious it wasn't. I'm getting angry, he just wants me to shut up and for it to be brushed under the carpet - keeps saying it was a joke and I should get over it and he can't be bothered with me apparently. He did hug me and apologise for upsetting me but still maintains it was a joke.

I'm just so so unbelievably hurt. It's something I've really struggled to overcome (what he said about) and he knows this. Now it feels like he just said it didn't bother him when it actually does.

We have DC so I can't just walk away over one comment!. I don't see how things can work now though.

What would you do? And what would you say to him now? He's away to work and I want to message him.

Firstly I am sorry about the hair loss, it sounds so stressful. I hope that it gets resolved.

I think 2 things about him. Firstly, I would have to say that in my world that sort of thing would in fact be said as a joke in the thinking of "if you don't laugh you cry". I guess the scene in a film that most matches it is in Steel Magnolias the night before the high risk kidney op the family are killing themselves laughing with kidney jokes. In my world though it is a 2 way thing, ie you wouldn't say something outrageous in humour to someone who would get upset. But does he use humour like this to deal with life generally?

The other thing is the other things you say about the relationship. The way he avoids talking, he tells you to stop going on, he makes himself scarce - none of this is ok in my opinion.

But you have DC and you don't want to end it and I completely relate to that, I have sucked things up in my relationship for the same reasons.

So I think you should tell him how you feel in the text and just be really clear about it: "you have really hurt me because ..... " and tell him what you would like to happen next time if anything, so that he knows. In your shoes I would then tell him you are going to let it go, and then for you to try to let it go, write down your feelings about it, register it, and move on, because he won't change, you don't want to leave and for it to fester won't help you or the dc.

I'd also decide what YOU want to do about the hair, not what he might or might not want or like or approve of. There are some really good wigs around, really realistic. You could try one and see how it feels. Try a style and colour you've always wanted. Long blond, short bob, whatever.

@bumblingbovine49

I think it would help if he admitted it wasn't completely a joke, that it was an observation which came out when he was drunk and looking at my head from a bad angle, and that he's genuinely sorry. Maybe make an efforts to really try to make it up to me and reassure me.

That's what I'd want from him.

I know it is possible that the hair loss is a problem for him but he is lying about it to save your feelings but when drunk the truth came out. I think however that you probably already know if this is the case

Yep. I pretty much know this is the case. From numerous signs over the years. I think the hair loss IS an issue for him, albeit a minor one probably. He doesn't admit it to spare my feelings. I think that it's a bit like a balance thing. As in he's otherwise attracted to me, he probably knows we get on better personality wise than he would with anyone else, long history, DC etc. The hair loss tips the balance slightly, but not enough for him to leave.

Still hurts though.

There was another issue regarding my hair loss years ago which hurt just as much as last night, and I've never been able to get over it sadly. So this is daunting.

Can't believe some of the ignorant and tactless comments of PPs comparing this to having a 'high bridge nose' or shaving your head. How clueless can people be. Hope the supportive ones are enough to give you some comfort OP.

You've done amazingly well to regain confidence over the last year and a half. That's a feat of character and will probably have changed your personality for the better, made you wiser, stronger and more empathetic. From what you say it seems like the relationship is generally a good one. I don't agree with the 'drunk words sober thoughts' argument. I think especially in a playfight you could look a bit overexcited and messy, and the words could just fall out of his mouth. The fact that his face changed when he said it and he instantly regretted it is a good sign. I sometimes look at my DP, who I find absolutely gorgeous, and just for a second he appears completely different, but that doesn't reflect on how I see him generally.
You're well within your rights to get a proper apology from him, but don't tell yourself that this has revealed something about how he sees you generally. He is probably immensely proud of you for the strength you've shown throughout your hair loss.

@newnametoday45678

I feel like it will fester no matter what. A few years ago when this all started, we were invited to an event one of his friends was having. The invite clearly stated both of us, but he kept making all sorts of excuses for me not to go. In the end he went himself. That hasn't happened since and I've been included, but that still festers. Maybe I'm a fester-er lol.

I have human hair hair pieces (bloody expensive) and head bands. I do feel self conscious that people might notice, but then again I feel self conscious about the patches too.
Don't think he likes the hair pieces, he doesn't like 'fake' he says. He doesn't seem to mind the clip on fringe and extensions I usually wear. You are right though, I should just do as i please and what makes me more comfortable, rather than thinking him him him.

Sorry, just seen your update and my comment is possibly irrelevant

Honestly though, it's been a difficult relationship - lots of love but little communication or responsibility from him. Right now I do not want to be with him. I feel humiliated, sad, angry. I can't just up and leave a long term relationship with DC for one comment though. I can't repair this though.

But you wouldn't be leaving him over one comment, you'd be leaving him because of little communication or responsibility from him presumably time and time again, and because you don't want to be with him!

At the end of the day, you a. know he wasn't joking and b. he has really hurt you and his response is to get angry with you for not taking it.

That's not forgivable, and the sentiment he expressed is so corrosive to an intimate relationship it would take a MASSIVELY secure relationship and a kind man to get round it. And he's not a kind man, or he wouldn't have said it. :(

Oh, OP, you have my every ounce of sympathy - I have had alopecia for years, and I hate the beginning of each new patch, my heart goes down, and I have weeks of wondering how big it will get and then the weeks of 'when will it start to grow back'. Hating people getting a glimpse of the patch, hating the feel of the bare skin where hair should be.

And all this knowing I am bloody lucky not to be losing my hair to cancer and chemo.

In the end I think it is something to be faced, and I thin you are right in your post of 15.55.

You say The type of hair loss I have, and the fact I have quite a thin sort of pointy face, myself I often look in the mirror and think I look like a drug addict . So if you think it, well, he might also make that connection in a fleeting way.

He needs to acknowledge that, and maybe you need to be brave enough for him to be truthful rather than creating fake re-assurance by pretending that it doesn't affect your appearance.

The important thing is, does he love you anyway? Is, for him, your hair a minor issue in a great relationship?

Sending hugs and strength, OP, I hope you and he can have a calm and deep conversation and that he is brave and honest enough to be truthful.

Don't think he likes the hair pieces, he doesn't like 'fake' he says. He doesn't seem to mind the clip on fringe and extensions I usually wear. You are right though, I should just do as i please and what makes me more comfortable, rather than thinking him him him.

Tough shit. If you want to wear hair pieces, wear them. Wear whatever makes you feel comfortable and feel good.

It was a horrible thing for him to say and the only appropriate response would have been a full, sincere apology and not trying to pass it off as a joke.
I find that people trying to get away with hurtful comments like that claiming they are jokes, are usually shifting the responsibility on to you. ie. it wasn't his fault you were upset, it's your fault.
It absolutely isn't. It was very hurtful and he sounds like a prize prick quite frankly.
He makes comments like that but he's also made you feel as if he doesn't like hairpieces either.

Just do what you like and fuck him.

What he said was very stupid obviously, even if he thinks that he shouldn’t have said that. He can’t take it back. I don’t think it’s one of those things though that might improve by talking more about it. You’re going to hear things you probably don’t want to hear. Doesn’t seem a good idea, especially if you can’t let go and aren’t entirely comfortable with your hair loss. If he genuinely thought that you might have been comfortable enough with your hair loss to make a “joke”, then he’s an idiot. Still how would talking improve this whole situation, he accidentally broke character. Isn’t it easier to pretend nothing happened, he’ll probably be kicking himself for saying it. Subjectively he might feel you’re the most attractive person in the world.

I am so sorry OP, I know how badly this kind of thing can hurt.

My husband said something years ago I'll never forget. I had become increasingly self-conscious about my teeth, and when I confessed this to him, he was very supportive about me getting them fixed. I did slightly wonder if he was a bit too enthusiastic, like it had been bothering him but he hadn't wanted to bring it up himself, but I brushed that feeling aside. Then at a later date I innocently remarked something like 'I'm surprised you haven't started looking into getting it done yourself' (purely based on a preceding remark by him - I think his teeth are absolutely fine) and he snapped 'well I would if they were anything like as bad as yours.' It really stung, and all his nice supportive comments were suddenly soured by wondering how long he'd been being critical in his own head but not wanting to bring it up himself. (And my teeth were by no means appalling, I was sure I was hugely exaggerating the imperfections in my head.) It was a different scenario of course, because I was in the process of having my teeth corrected, but that didn't make me feel any less shit.

I don't really know what to advise, but just wanted to offer my sympathy. Like others, I am confused by how he went to 'drug addict', it's interesting that you've thought it yourself too when it's something that none of us can relate to hair loss. Are you sure you haven't said it to him at some point over the years, and he suddenly (drunkenly) thought "oh I see what she means" and it tumbled out?

@InTheWings I'm sorry you suffer hair loss too, and the same to everyone else who's said they have alopecia on this thread.

Yes the horror at new patches, the uncertainty, and the feeling of air on skin where hair was. Definitely.

For me it's also the frustration at having to faff around with expensive hair pieces and head bands to be remotely happy with how I look, I'm low maintenance and it's a faff, and even then, the stigma of wearing them if people notice. Most people either don't notice or do fleetingly then don't care. There's a couple who both work at my work, who snigger and whisper every time I walk towards them . I presume they've noticed my hairpiece. This happens sometimes and stares are more common than comments.

To think that my partner knows all this and how much it hurts me, and he still said that..

Yes I think he made the same connection I made. Without hair around my face at the top of one side, and having a thin pointy face, from some angles I do look a bit gaunt and addict like.

Deep down, I know he did mean it somewhat and it hurts so much .

Immaturely I want to hurt him back. I desperately want to stop feeling like this.

Get your thyroid checked. T4 isn't always regularly checked. Don't leave him over this, you don't like your appearance and are conscious of it so he may not have ever felt confident to say how he feels.

@QuimReaper I'm sorry you went through that. My best friend is really troubled by the appearance of her teeth. For me, I did - fleetingly - acknowledge that they are squint and some brown, the first time we met, but after that I don't even notice anymore. It's just 'my friend'. We should probably all be kinder to ourselves.

No, I definitely haven't ever said about the addict-looking thing. I've thought it many a time looking in the mirror at certain angles, but I wouldn't want to draw his attention so never said it. The fact that he picked up on it that's how I pretty much know it was no 'joke'.

@QuimReaper I'm sorry you went through that. My best friend is really troubled by the appearance of her teeth. For me, I did - fleetingly - acknowledge that they are squint and some brown, the first time we met, but after that I don't even notice anymore. It's just 'my friend'. We should probably all be kinder to ourselves.

No, I definitely haven't ever said about the addict-looking thing. I've thought it many a time looking in the mirror at certain angles, but I wouldn't want to draw his attention so never said it. The fact that he picked up on it that's how I pretty much know it was no 'joke'.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I have never forgotten posting a photograph (of me) on S&B of a dress I was in two minds about wearing, and everyone piled on to criticise my hairpiece .... I was devastated. I wear a full wig now as my hair has never grown back properly. It's completely different from being a bit fat or thin ... I would be so upset in your position, especially if I had suspected all along that he was weighing up my attractiveness based on my hair. No real advice, sorry but lots of empathy.

@LizzieBlackwell

What does a drug addict look like? What an odd comment?

Weathered (like they have spent a lot of time outdoors in harsh weather ), dead-eyed, sunken eyes, cheeks, bad skin.

We should probably all be kinder to ourselves.

You sound lovely OP

Thing is, OP, even if it was a joke, it hurt you. He should be responding to that and acknowledging it.

He thinks it's ok because he was joking. It's not a joking matter so it's very offensive to even joke about it. And the fact he thinks it's nothing, that you're over thinking it and wants to brush it under the carpet says he doesn't think it's wrong. No remorse.

If it was me, I'd be getting him to acknowledge it was wrong. It would be over for me if he couldn't.

I was ready to say YABU to get so upset about a comment....but what he said was personal and below the belt, that’s not a comment that’s just being plain nasty!!

Even though I’d be very very hurt by that, I could forgive eventually, after a lot, and I mean a lot of reassurance, (presents, weekends away, and new clothes)

It hurts so much when all you want from someone is a genuine, sincere apology and you don’t get it. It’s such a simple thing for someone to do but there are some people in the world who just can’t put their hands up and admit they were wrong.

Sounds like this isn’t the straw to break the camels back but from everything you’ve said that will come. It’s only a matter of time.
You are worth more then this OP.

@Redcups64

I was ready to say YABU to get so upset about a comment....but what he said was personal and below the belt, that’s not a comment that’s just being plain nasty!!

Even though I’d be very very hurt by that, I could forgive eventually, after a lot, and I mean a lot of reassurance, (presents, weekends away, and new clothes)

I don't need any of those things, I just need my partner to not think what he said about me.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. My sister has alopecia and watching her go through the agony has been devastating. We went travelling together last year - I don’t give two hoots if she walks around bald or with a head scarf but she was adamant she wanted to wear a wig at all times despite the heat. At one point I walked into the hotel room and she has just come out of the shower...she jumped and covered her bald head - I was amazed she was ok about me seeing her naked body (for the first time since childhood) but she was frantically trying to make sure I didn’t see her bald head!
She has recently comes to terms with things and wears a headscarf now rather than a wig which makes me so happy as I felt so sad she felt uncomfortable in a wig but wanted to wear it for the benefit of others.
I sent her these links from this researcher who studied alopecia and women’s self esteem and she found it interesting so I was hoping you would too.
Your hubby was a dick. But he clearly loves you otherwise he would have left. Tell him you want him to own up but once you are able to have a sensible conversation you will draw a line in the sand and put it behind you. But in the meantime he needs to stop trying to push it under the carpet.
aaaf.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/The-Impact-of-Alopecia-Areata-on-Women-Self-Esteem-Mood-.pdf
aaaf.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Impact-Alopecia-Areata-has-on-women-Research-Thesis-.pdf

He was way out of line. I am so sorry OP⚘⚘⚘

If you cannot make he talk about it or see why you are hurt, give him a personal (to him) example, and ask him, if he would be hurt. Seems he is either afraid of conflict or lacking emphaty.

(I'm vindictive, but my examples would be if I 'joked' about your minute dick, or your ridiculously sacky balls, it would fester wouldn't it?)