Partner said something awful about my appearance when drunk. Wwyd?

[sohurtandangry]

Last night me and my partner were watching a film and having a drink. He drank more than usual and we'd had a busy day so hadn't had our evening meal yet, so he was pretty drunk. I had only had one drink.

We were laughing and sort of play fighting with cushions, when he suddenly said something horrible about my appearance. It wasn't at all like he meant to hurt me, it was like he was so drunk that he was sort of 'thinking out loud' . As soon as he realised he said it there was a look of 'oh shit' on his face.

He quickly maintained it was a joke.

I've been really upset since. He still maintaining it was a joke apparently even though it's pretty obvious it wasn't. I'm getting angry, he just wants me to shut up and for it to be brushed under the carpet - keeps saying it was a joke and I should get over it and he can't be bothered with me apparently. He did hug me and apologise for upsetting me but still maintains it was a joke.

I'm just so so unbelievably hurt. It's something I've really struggled to overcome (what he said about) and he knows this. Now it feels like he just said it didn't bother him when it actually does.

We have DC so I can't just walk away over one comment!. I don't see how things can work now though.

What would you do? And what would you say to him now? He's away to work and I want to message him.

Thank you for the links. I'll definitely read them.

@giantangryrooster

He is both lacking in empathy and scared of conflict.

I really want to make a comment back to him, to hurt him how he's hurt me. It's pretty I know, but I feel like lashing out. It won't have the right effect though, cause he'll know I'm just doing it in retaliation, and it wouldn't help matters long term.

He switched his phone off now

Wear whatever hair piece you like. A girl I used to work with had one and I never knew for years until we went on a night out and she appeared with a long length, I asked if she had extensions put in and she told me about her hairloss, wearing the wig was not noticeable and very real.
I'd report your shitty work colleges or at least call them out and ask what it is they're laughing at.
Your DP needs to apologise, maybe a letter will get through to him rather than chatting make sure you put in that letter he doesn't get to dictate or comment further about hair pieces or
Wigs. Good luck

I really do feel for you OP. We all have things about our appearance that make us feel awful and we need reassurance and support on.

However, I do feel we expect an impossible balancing act from men sometimes. We want openness and honesty (in theory). But we also want them to be completely blind to faults that we ourselves are highly aware of, talk about with them, and think awful things about. This just isn't realistic. In some instancies, we might genuinely be a harsher critic than our men, or coming from different backgrounds or cultures, we may genuinely have different judgements of what is attractive. But mostly, they are humans like us, so if we have something about us like hair loss or acne or excessive weight that we don't like, they probably do notice and if forced to be completely honest would admit they'd prefer it were different - just as we would prefer our men not to have pot bellies, hair loss or whatever else. Doesn't mean we are bad or we don't love them or appreciate loads of other wonderful things about them or the relationship is not great. So if they can't say this, then we are effectively asking our men to 'fake blindness' to be supportive. (And declaring them twats/bastards if they don't).

In this case, you have thought the exact same thing that he has said out loud, in a drunken thoughtless moment. So it is an understandable thing. If he were saying it to try to hurt you then of course that would be awful and you should boot him. But punishing him for admitting something that you yourself believe to be true doesn't feel right to me.

I'm really sorry if this comes across as harsh. I understand it must be an awful thing to struggle with and I struggle with different things with my appearance but I do think it is OUR struggle... we should not lean on our men too much to make us feel better or punish them as fall guys if they fail to maintain a front that comforts us.

I am sure he does not think that about you consistently... I think if he did, he actually would be used to policing that thought and it wouldn't have come out. We all have hugely unflattering moments. At the wrong angle or in the wrong moment. I totally look like a sumo wrestler! I'd hope my DP doesn't say so, but if he did, I kind of know already , so ok ... lick wounds and move on.

sohurtandangry if you can't talk at all, then remember revenge is a dish best served cold (yes I'm not only vindictive, I'm petty too ).

But let him stew, if he just thinks you should get over it, he needs to work on himself.

Even if it was a ‘joke’ why would he think that’s an appropriate joke? It’s just fucking mean and spiteful. Either way his bullshit excuses just don’t stand up and no matter how you look at it he still comes out of it looking like an utter bastard. Stay angry OP, don’t let him guilt you in to accepting he’s done nothing wrong. All your updates just confirm the type of person he is; a shallow spiteful arsehole.

Not wanting to ignore your hurt feelings but regarding the hair loss, what have you tried to reduce it?
Iv been suffering from serious hair loss, bald patches etc and after trying Regaine and other hair loss treatments that iv been buying from an online pharmacy which havnt worked (GP useless) iv been using Plantar 39 and my hair is growing back, I and my family can actually see the new hair growth on my bald patches plus my normal hair is growing really fast and overall my hair is getting thicker.
You can buy it in Boots, they do a shampoo, conditioner and a tonic which you rub into your scalp every night

I can totally understand how hurt you must be. But listen, none of us are perfect and even the pretty perfect people I know have insecurities (that I can't see at all).

I've been on tik tok quite a lot recently and see some girls suffering from alopecia wearing wigs that are completely natural. Also didn't realise that in some cultures women keep their hair short and wear all sorts of wigs and really change their looks.

So I think if your hair isn't growing then embrace it and look at it as an opportunity to try all sorts of different hairstyles. Once you start feeling more confident about yourself I think things will improve.

Plus what he said I don't think anyone would ahve taken to mean about hairless.

Firstly he has hurt you therefore he needs to accept and acknowledge that. Secondly he needs to be open to talking it through with you whether he wants to or not. It is not ok for him to say it was a joke end of. It's only funny and a joke if you all find it funny. Sometimes jokes land wrong, sometimes they are ill judged and sometimes people say things without thought and their brain engages after the words have left their mouth.

Clearly he has hit a raw nerve and this is very painful for you. You made the connection previously that your hair loss reminded you of a drug addict therefore it is possible that someone else could also think the the same. Unfortunately for him he came out with the worst possible comment and I can completely understand why you are left feeling the way you are.

Going back to what a previous poster asked what is it you want from him and you articulated your response well. Use that as a starting point for moving forward. Only you know your DP no one else on this forum does, so we only have a snapshot without the wider context of you both are as individuals and as a couple. What do you believe was his intention?

@perching

Your vagina is like a cavern this made me laugh.

@coginamachine

I've no idea what his intention was. He doesn't like conflict in any form so there's no way he would say sober if he wasn't as attracted to me. I think he just looked at me in that moment and from that angle had that thought (probably he has had the same thought before, I want to hide away), and cause he was drunk it just came out.

I keep thinking well he wasn't that drunk, so maybe he did mean it to hurt me..

No idea anymore..

I doubt he did it to hurt you. But he needs to step up over the fact that he did. That's what any decent person does when they accidentally hurt someone they love.

Would your best friend make a joke out of your hair loss whilst drunk? I very much doubt it. That's the test for me - your partner should be like a second best friend. Your cheerleader.

It was unkind and incredibly insensitive. Tbh if my partner made an insensitive, unkind joke about ANYONE'S obvious insecurities I would question if we were compatible. But my own KNOWN insecurities? Nope. He could get fucked.

So sorry, op. I have a skin condition I'm really sensitive and upset about. If my partner made jokes about it, knowing it was a sensitive issue I would sack him off xxx

I’ve been roaring drunk in my time and managed not to insult someone. It was a particularly crass and immature thing for him to say, but the biggest problem seems to be his avoidance. That would be the deal breaker for me. Have you ever been able to have an adult conversation with him about how your hair loss affects your self-esteem, for example?

I've had the conversation with him, but he doesn't seem to 'get' it at all.

I'm really angry now. I feel trapped in the relationship. I am trapped, financially and practically. I think the reason he is so unbothered is because he knows I'm not going anywhere.

Why are you trapped? Why can't you leave?

I know this isn't what it is about but is the cause of your hairloss unknown op @sohurtandangry ? I know this is not the same, but I had very bad hair loss after my first baby. I had a large bald patch on the back of my head, but it did help that I couldn't see it. Kindly my mum kept pointing it out and how bad it was, so I understand that part that you power through and someone knocks you. I can't say I did anything, apart from try to hide it tying my hair back and doing what we all do and eating healthy, take my big standard multivitamins vitamins and relax ( the hardest part, it sort of involves lying on the floor, but not in bed and a few gentle exercises)

Anyway two things I didn't try but read on were ultrasound therapy and recently dermarolling ( I'm doing my tummy skin, but the leaflet says about hairloss you'd had to research what size needle roller you'd need)

oh that is hurtful op, sending you hugs. this needs a face to face talk, maybe you should have a little tipple yourself as it’s a truth serum. this will eat away at your confidence if you don’t address it with him.

hope you’re ok

Have you tried hair growth shampoo? It's not hard to get hold of and it's quite effective.

That is really hurtful. Sorry you’ve gone through this. You absolutely can end a marriage over one comment. You have the right to do what you want. If it’s not working for you then end it.

It's not so much that I absolutely cannot leave, it's more that it would be very very difficult financially and practically.

We are not married, the house is his (I know, I know). I have a job where hours aren't compatible with childcare so he has DC about half the time and when we split before a few years ago he went for at least 50/50 split residency, also threatened to register the DC as living with him so I couldn't get universal credit top ups. I don't want to stay apart from DC any times. It would be a case of move out, get a rental, quit my job (no other childcare), and fight him re residency.

I won't realistically be in a position to leave until I'm in a stable, full time job with compatible hours.

That seems so out of reach at the moment, but it's not impossible I suppose.

It's not so much that I want to leave. Some aspects of the relationship are very good. He is loving, funny, we share interests. His refusal to communicate and other issues (irresponsibility, at times unsupportive) over the years have ground me down though, and it frustrates me that I cannot leave if I wanted to, without dragging DC through a court battle and uprooting all our lives.

He hurt my feelings really badly with that comment, but I just have to somehow accept his bullshit 'joke' explanation, and carry on, because what else do I do ? Uproot everyone's lives and miss out on living with my DC ? I don't feel I can justify that unless there was abuse or infidelity.

I don't mean this to be aimed at any poster by the way, I'm just ranting.

If this is adulting, I want to opt out!!

I think you should see this event / comment as a sign for you to start getting your ducks sorted out

Job, money .... start to
Plan for a future without him

It might not happen but use this as a spring board to prepare.

Start to take control of YOUR life. Start to prepare for YOUR future

He doesn't like your hair - he's allowed a choice, but also he's flaky and can be unkind and irresponsible and won't face things like an adult

You might well decide you don't want this sort of person in your future so start planning

I have anxiety disorder, but I'm going to try to 'power through' it and try to change things so I have the option of leaving if I want to.

He hasn't spoken to me since I sent him a barrage of texts yesterday . He's away out to work again.

I'm still sad and angry. I hate this.