Partner said something awful about my appearance when drunk. Wwyd?

[sohurtandangry]

Last night me and my partner were watching a film and having a drink. He drank more than usual and we'd had a busy day so hadn't had our evening meal yet, so he was pretty drunk. I had only had one drink.

We were laughing and sort of play fighting with cushions, when he suddenly said something horrible about my appearance. It wasn't at all like he meant to hurt me, it was like he was so drunk that he was sort of 'thinking out loud' . As soon as he realised he said it there was a look of 'oh shit' on his face.

He quickly maintained it was a joke.

I've been really upset since. He still maintaining it was a joke apparently even though it's pretty obvious it wasn't. I'm getting angry, he just wants me to shut up and for it to be brushed under the carpet - keeps saying it was a joke and I should get over it and he can't be bothered with me apparently. He did hug me and apologise for upsetting me but still maintains it was a joke.

I'm just so so unbelievably hurt. It's something I've really struggled to overcome (what he said about) and he knows this. Now it feels like he just said it didn't bother him when it actually does.

We have DC so I can't just walk away over one comment!. I don't see how things can work now though.

What would you do? And what would you say to him now? He's away to work and I want to message him.

I know exactly what it feels like when your partner says something awful about your appearance. My own boyfriend said that I was a 5/10 in looks and that really hurt my feelings.

I would try to come to terms with accepting that you are who you are. You are enough and I guarantee that there is at least ten things about you that is beautiful and unique!

It would be kinder on both of you to end it. He can’t win here. I said it in an earlier post, talking about it more isn’t going to help you. You say you want to truth, but you’re going to hold it over his head for god knows how long. Holding on to things and wanting the truth is a very bad combination. No wonder you get white lies. You don’t believe he has you’re best interest at heart, and overanalyse everything he says. Better a swift death, then dragging it all out because that’s just mean. He, unintentionally, broke character – and you’re purposely trying to hurt him. That’s just mean.

@CourseTheyWere

I know exactly what it feels like when your partner says something awful about your appearance. My own boyfriend said that I was a 5/10 in looks and that really hurt my feelings.

I would try to come to terms with accepting that you are who you are. You are enough and I guarantee that there is at least ten things about you that is beautiful and unique!

Bloody hell. Is that a current or ex partner?!

@BraveGoldie Thank you, my counselling suggested something similar and I've yet to try it, so I will.

@Molteni Thanks for your perspective (genuinely). I don't see it like that, but then I wouldn't would I. I think I have the right to know if the alopecia puts him off, and to what extent. I get your point though - this is just going to go round and round in circles. He's ignoring me now. As is usual for him whenever arguments occur. Feels like I'm being punished. I feel really down.

Sorry off the op but @CourseTheyWere that’s terrible 😢 I hope he’s an ex.

Hi @sohurtandangry I have hair loss too but I wear a full hair piece out and about or a peaked cap if I’m around home. I think you definitely need to ignore what your husband has said about the hairpieces. I actually can’t believe he has the gall to say he doesn’t like ‘fake hair’ when he is not the one having to go out with hair loss. I honestly couldn’t do it. I have never had a mean comment or snigger or anything said about my hair. I am sure it’s obvious to some I wear a full hair piece but others probably don’t notice and I don’t have to feel paranoid when out and about. So I would definitely start wearing them from today and if your husband comments then just tell him you feel happier wearing them and that’s the end of the conversation. FWIW my DH I am sure would love me to have lovely normal hair - as would I. And my hair looks disgusting (luckily it’s at the back and I’ve actually not looked at it in about a year buts it’s rotten like an old mans hair) and he always encourages me to not wear anything in the house to relax and to not worry as he loves me and thinks I’m gorgeous even though he’s seeing the same horrible hair I did but more often as I don’t look now. I would find that kind of comment horrible and I don’t think you’re over reacting at all. I think the number one thing you can do for yourself now though is wear a full hair piece and remove all the paranoia of being out and about. Then think about your life from there.

@Exilecardigan I'm sorry you are going through this too. You are right, I'm so sick of doing / obsessing about everything through the lens of him him him. It's my fault too because that's what I seem to do. We've been together since I was a teenager, although the alopecia started much later.
Can I ask where you get your hairpieces from please ? It's difficult to get the confidence either way, but I look more 'put together' wearing hair.

I don't want to derail the thread, but @BraveGoldie, thank you for sharing. It really resonated with me.

OP, I'm so sorry that your DP hurt you. He was thoughtless and unkind in his comment about your hair. But I do have to agree with a PP that you have a bigger issue here. Your DP seems to want to sweep every argument/ miscommunication under the rug. I think that you are probably more hurt by his unwillingness to discuss the issue than you are by the initial comment itself.

Please take care of yourself. If that means getting a more secure job and improving your credit rating so you can leave if needed, then do it. If you think couples counseling might help, then try to get your partner to go with you.

Ultimately, it all comes down to being satisfied with our own selves and our decisions. Give yourself more options so you have a choice.

Give yourself time to hurt, and then try to go forward. Easier said than done, I know.

I’m not in the Uk sorry I’m terms of where I go but I wear a Mayfair Volumizer Crown Hair Enhancement. It matches my own hair colour and the salon also dyed a few strands at front to blend it in more. I’d say google it and see if a salon near you do them or ring around a few salons that Specialise in hair loss. The one I go to has a whole dedicated section to hair loss from cancer or otherwise. I go there to get it and my own hair blow dried and trimmed to make sure the length matches on both. A good and fitted hair piece that matches your own hair will do wonders for your confidence so I would definitely do that for yourself and sod your husband. It is expensive but I have had hair loss for around 8 years now since my early 20’s and I’ve only needed two hairpieces so they do last. I don’t wear it if I’m home alone with just my husband or my family.