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Original poster

Partner said something awful about my appearance when drunk. Wwyd?

159 replies

sohurtandangry · 10/08/2020 14:30

Last night me and my partner were watching a film and having a drink. He drank more than usual and we'd had a busy day so hadn't had our evening meal yet, so he was pretty drunk. I had only had one drink.

We were laughing and sort of play fighting with cushions, when he suddenly said something horrible about my appearance. It wasn't at all like he meant to hurt me, it was like he was so drunk that he was sort of 'thinking out loud' . As soon as he realised he said it there was a look of 'oh shit' on his face.

He quickly maintained it was a joke.

I've been really upset since. He still maintaining it was a joke apparently even though it's pretty obvious it wasn't. I'm getting angry, he just wants me to shut up and for it to be brushed under the carpet - keeps saying it was a joke and I should get over it and he can't be bothered with me apparently. He did hug me and apologise for upsetting me but still maintains it was a joke.

I'm just so so unbelievably hurt. It's something I've really struggled to overcome (what he said about) and he knows this. Now it feels like he just said it didn't bother him when it actually does.

We have DC so I can't just walk away over one comment!. I don't see how things can work now though.

What would you do? And what would you say to him now? He's away to work and I want to message him.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 10/08/2020 14:50

What did he actually say though?

managedmis · 10/08/2020 14:51

Yes he's a cunt

Notonthestairs · 10/08/2020 14:51

I'm struggling with the same issue and I'd be horrified if DH brought it up in that way.

ihoeihoeihoe · 10/08/2020 14:52

That’s actually disgusting of him. I have alopecia and if it’s just part of me, do I like it? Not particularly but it’s part of me and I accept it now at 30, my partner does too. A joke or not he knew it would upset you and said it anyway, so whatever way you look at it it’s malicious of him. For me it would be a real apology or he could do one, no one deserves to make you feel shit about yourself, least of all your partner and father to your children. Flowers

Fiftysixthnamechange · 10/08/2020 14:52

What did he say about your hair loss? Although really, it doesn't matter I suppose. He knows how much it bothers you and for that reason alone he should have said nothing. There's only 1 reason people use your insecurities against you and that's to hurt you. He wanted to hurt you and upset you and that's a massive issue.

Original poster
sohurtandangry · 10/08/2020 14:52

He definitely didn't mean to say it. It was like shouting out a name when half asleep or something.

We were messing about, laughing, and he sort of hazily looked at my head and said "oh you look like a drug addict"

SadSad

Immediately realised he'd said it out loud rather than just thought it, his face fell at the same time I got upset.

I did confront him straight away and he kept saying it was a joke.

When I spoke to him further this morning, I said to him I know it wasn't a joke, it doesn't even make sense as a joke. He said he knows it didn't make sense, he meant it as a joke blah blah.

I'm fuming mad that he isn't even decent enough to own up to what he must think of me, and instead would rather treat me like a fucking idiot.

I'm so so hurt. I had finally this year started to allow myself to believe it didn't bother him like he always reassures me it doesn't. I feel like an idiot now and like my confidence has been destroyed in a day.

I want to hurt him back, or at least make him face how much he's hurt me. Sounds a bit crazy, but it's how I feel right now.

He's the king of avoidance so he was happy to go to work and will expect it all brushed under the carpet.

OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 10/08/2020 14:56

If you were play-fighting, OP, presumably your hair was dishevelled and all over the place?

In that case, I think his comment is fair enough, especially if he was drunk.

If he'd said it when you were ready to go out - different story.

I think - understandably given it's a sensitive subject - you are over reacting, OP.

TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 14:56

I've worked with addicts and haven't noticed hair loss as a side effect of addiction. He sounds an idiot.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 10/08/2020 14:57

You are right to be annoyed and I would not let it drop.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 10/08/2020 14:57

@TwentyViginti

I've worked with addicts and haven't noticed hair loss as a side effect of addiction. He sounds an idiot.
Totally agree. A drug addict does not look someone with hair loss -either.
LizzieBlackwell · 10/08/2020 14:57

What does a drug addict look like? What an odd comment?

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/08/2020 14:59

I'm less concerned about what he said, horrid as it was, than I am about his refusal to own and and allow you to talk about it. He must accept an honest conversation where he accepts that he hurt you, apologises for it and makes good, rather than invalidating your feelings by claiming it's just a "joke" and that therefore the problem is your sense of humour fail.

If he's usually great then I'd be inclined to try to get past this, but again, he needs to validate your feelings and own what he did.

Side note: are you aware of all the beautiful headscarves you can buy and all the different ways to tie them? Might help with your confidence, although I realise it's a separate issue.

sunshinesheila · 10/08/2020 15:01

When I think of trying to describe a drug addict nothing to do with their hair springs to mind. Maybe if you had bad teeth or crazy off your head eyes.

TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 15:02

Yes bad teeth through lack of self care is common in addiction, but not hair loss.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 10/08/2020 15:02

But it wasn't a joke was it. Nothing funny at all about that. Drink is a truth serum, you need to talk it through with him.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/08/2020 15:04

How is he usually, OP? I've had partners where I've sometimes thought something about their appearance (as I'm sure they have with me) but it hasn't stopped me loving or fancying them.

Original poster
sohurtandangry · 10/08/2020 15:05

It was about my hair loss. The type of hair loss I have, and the fact I have quite a thin sort of pointy face, myself I often look in the mirror and think I look like a drug addict.

He was looking at my head when he said it, and it was the first time in many months I hadn't been wearing a headband and clip on fringe (cause of the heat).

He was desperate to smooth things over this morning, demanding I hug him 'like normal' when I didn't want to. Angry Angry. He just wants to forget about it. But I can't.

I want to message him. But I've no idea what to say.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 10/08/2020 15:05

What a BIZARRE thing for him to have said...

Alopecia doesn't make one look like an 'addict?!'

Do you think he might have thought you looked 'out of it' {despite only having drunk a modest amount?}

It doesn't sound like he was referring to your hair?

But it was a stupid and insensitive thing for him to have said, as, after all, what did 'addicts' look like?

They come in all shapes and sizes. All ages. Tall , short, pretty, handsome, I defy anyone to tell in a roomful of people who the 'addicts' are.

TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 15:09

I don't think there's any point messaging him. This needs a proper face to face talk. No doubt he'll keep on about it being a joke, but you need to stress to him it is far from a joke for you.

84claire84 · 10/08/2020 15:10

@managedmis

Yes he's a cunt
👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼THIS👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼

Sorry OP but it's not acceptable. He of all people should be your support

Original poster
sohurtandangry · 10/08/2020 15:12

@ShebaShimmyShake Yes, I'm furious, absolutely furious, that he is just expecting me to pretend to be an idiot and believe it was a 'joke' so he doesn't have to face up to anything. He's prepared to throw my feelings under a bus for the sake of his comfort. He is usually supportive, but avoidance of confrontation - especially if he was in the wrong - is his middle name.
Headscarves make me look Ill. I usually wear a wide headband and clip in fringe but couldn't cause of the heat and that's when the comment was made. I've worn full hairpieces in the past but I got the feeling he was uncomfortable with that.

@HollyBollyBooBoo Yes that's what I said to him, drink is a truth serum.

OP posts:
QuacksInTheDark · 10/08/2020 15:12

I’m sorry but that’s fucking vile. You can end your relationship for any reason you like OP. Disrespect is a very good reason.

LizzieBlackwell · 10/08/2020 15:12

Have you ever said to him you feel that you look like a drug addict?

LizzieBlackwell · 10/08/2020 15:15

@HollyBollyBooBoo Yes that's what I said to him, drink is a truth serum

I don’t think it is. People talk shite when drunk and their mental state is squewed. I’ve said loads of stuff when drunk I didn’t mean Blush

ancientgran · 10/08/2020 15:15

I'm so sorry that must have really hurt. I was ill last year and started losing my hair, I felt terrible and I can't even explain how I felt when it started to grow back. He isn't a nice person.