Partner said something awful about my appearance when drunk. Wwyd?

[sohurtandangry]

Last night me and my partner were watching a film and having a drink. He drank more than usual and we'd had a busy day so hadn't had our evening meal yet, so he was pretty drunk. I had only had one drink.

We were laughing and sort of play fighting with cushions, when he suddenly said something horrible about my appearance. It wasn't at all like he meant to hurt me, it was like he was so drunk that he was sort of 'thinking out loud' . As soon as he realised he said it there was a look of 'oh shit' on his face.

He quickly maintained it was a joke.

I've been really upset since. He still maintaining it was a joke apparently even though it's pretty obvious it wasn't. I'm getting angry, he just wants me to shut up and for it to be brushed under the carpet - keeps saying it was a joke and I should get over it and he can't be bothered with me apparently. He did hug me and apologise for upsetting me but still maintains it was a joke.

I'm just so so unbelievably hurt. It's something I've really struggled to overcome (what he said about) and he knows this. Now it feels like he just said it didn't bother him when it actually does.

We have DC so I can't just walk away over one comment!. I don't see how things can work now though.

What would you do? And what would you say to him now? He's away to work and I want to message him.

@LizzieBlackwell
What does a drug addict look like? What an odd comment?

That is what I was wondering.
Op's partner is showing his ignorance.. and prejudices.
America especially love to put up images of people [before/after] with serious substance issues {often Methamphetamine}
, but the average addicted person in UK looks like any other person.

He sounds really childish.

@TwentyViginti He won't have a face to face talk. That's what he's like with everything. A quick smooth over then it's expected to be forgotten about. Otherwise I'm 'going on' and he just makes himself scarce. It's usually ok because we don't really have much to argue about, in that he is usually supportive and our lives gel along. We've been together a long time and he won't change sadly.

If I cry he 'sees' it more, today I was upset and he hugged me and said he didn't mean it, it was a 'joke', that I'm his partner, I'm more beautiful than ever'.. but then when I said I still don't think it was a joke he got angry.

I'm sitting here bereft and hurt and I'm so tempted to message him. Is there anything I could say to make him see how much he hurt me?

Honestly I think you need some help to sort out how you feel about yourself as I fear you are projecting thoughts about your own looks onto him.

That's horrible.

No it wasn't a joke.

Worse is his attitude.

You may as well lay it on the line.

It's not going under the carpet.

'What you said last night. I'm sending this message because there is no point in not sending it. I probably would like to be able to pretend that didn't happen last night as much as you are going to try to. It won't be any good though. So I'm sending this message as it's preferable to you waiting to test if I can pretend everything's ok, see that I can't, and then exploding or sulking. I'm not going to be able to pretend. To be honest I'm probably almost as upset by thew way you're trying to handle it. Deny, pretend, never have the guts to take responsibility. I can't pretend this time. I don't even want you to look at me. I don't want to hug you. Not because I'm angry. It just is. What do you want to do about it?'

but then when I said I still don't think it was a joke he got angry.

This is the bit that is not ok.

He doesn't get to make you pretend to make him feel happy again.

What do you want to do though?

He does sound a dick. And let's not beat around the bush: what he said wasn't a joke. I don't know - can he stay somewhere else for a while? Do you have much of a physical relationship now anyway? Do you love him/want to be with him?

@LizzieBlackwell No I've never said that to him.

That's what he meant though. He had mentioned just before saying it that it was the first time in ages he'd seen me without my head band on.

He doesn't get to make you pretend to make him feel happy again

@FizzyGreenWater this ^^

Neither of us have anywhere else to go.

We still have a good physical relationship. It was affected by how badly I felt about myself at the start of my hair loss. Past 18 months or so I've found my confidence again - or so I thought. Just feels like that's been dashed and back to square one, and he gets to wall away scot free.

I do love him. Honestly though, it's been a difficult relationship - lots of love but little communication or responsibility from him. Right now I do not want to be with him. I feel humiliated, sad, angry. I can't just up and leave a long term relationship with DC for one comment though. I can't repair this though.

I think if his reaction had better it would have been easier for you to get past this.

But saying that "I should get over it and he can't be bothered with me" is pretty horrible - he doesn't seem to care that he's upset you.

He may have meant it as a joke but a decent partner would be horrified you hadn't taken it as one, not angry.

[quote sohurtandangry]@ShebaShimmyShake Yes, I'm furious, absolutely furious, that he is just expecting me to pretend to be an idiot and believe it was a 'joke' so he doesn't have to face up to anything. He's prepared to throw my feelings under a bus for the sake of his comfort. He is usually supportive, but avoidance of confrontation - especially if he was in the wrong - is his middle name.
Headscarves make me look Ill. I usually wear a wide headband and clip in fringe but couldn't cause of the heat and that's when the comment was made. I've worn full hairpieces in the past but I got the feeling he was uncomfortable with that.

@HollyBollyBooBoo Yes that's what I said to him, drink is a truth serum.[/quote]
Another side point: you can get padded caps to wear under your headscarf to give it some volume, which might help. Or use two of them, a base and an outer one. Some ties give you more volume than others too.

He cannot run away from this one. I'm sure he didn't intend to hurt you, you said yourself that he clearly didn't mean to say it, but he did and so the measure of the man is what he does now that he did hurt you. Tell him you must have an honest conversation, and it's not about you having a go (although I wouldn't blame you if you did) but about him acknowledging that he hurt you and the problem isn't that you're an idiot with no sense of humour. He needs to stop with the brushing things under the carpet and own the situation and what he can do to help you move forward, otherwise you'll honestly have to consider the relationship because what kind of partner expects you to become the problem in this situation?

I can't repair this though.

No you can't, he needs to repair it. Starting with a proper apology. An apology that doesn't include minimising what he's done, blaming you for your reaction, or deciding the situation is resolved when he says it's resolved. Until then he can fuck off.

That is hurtful. But you have to believe that every single one of us has something we hide/don't like.

Eczema
Acne
Hairy in odd places
Cellulite
Stretch marks
Rubbish teeth.
Birthmarks
Moles
Freckles
Pale skin
Oily skin
Fat
Thin
Short legs
Ginger
Big nose
Pale skin/dark body hair
Funny shaped feet
Funny shaped legs
Beauty spots
Breasts
Bum size

The list goes on and on and on. It's only now I'm in my 30s I've learned that nobody is perfect. Really they are not. We don't walk around laughing or judging people unless we are immature and ignorant. Most people really don't take the pee out of people to be unkind for the sake of it.

We are so critical of ourselves. You must think of your beautiful points and realise you are as beautiful as any other human. It's not easy feeling like something about you isn't nice. In my case I've got a high bridge nose. I worry I look nice from the front but then when a man sees me from the side I go into the minger camp! But I have learned now to do things to boost my confidence. I wear makeup anyway. It makes me feel better. I also have aurburn hair naturally and i think the colours beautiful. I don't like my legs and tummy. But I've found a way to dress so I feel nice. I wear colourful jumpers in winter and have learned black jeggings flatter my legs.

Ignore his immaturity. I've learned to take the Mick out of my own nose now to my partner and relax and go with it.

I'm not saying you should like others to pieces. But look around you and you will see all people look different and nobody is perfect. For example a really pretty blonde was walking infront of me last week. She was wearing skin hugging shorts in coral. She looked lovely but the shorts were showing off all her ripples on her bum and with every step she took her bum vibrated and it honestly wasn't the best look. But I wasn't laughing at her. I just thought I bet she doesn't know that outside in this light that happens. But who cares it was hot and she was wearing something that she liked.

Enjoy your life. Don't focus on one thing. Tell your partner he's far from perfect. Tell him his breath smells in the morning and his feet are ugly but you still love him lol!

Chin up xxx

Op, given that this comment has been made and can't be unsaid, however much you wish it could, maybe stop a moment and think about what you would like him to say or do? Is there anything he could say to make it better? Or do you just want him to listen to how upset he has made you without defending himself or dimsissing your reaction (either are ok by the way). Do you really want to know if your hair loss has made you a bit less attractive to him?

I am asking because once you know what you need from him things will be clearer for you and you can tell him clearly what you need from him to make it up. If there is nothing he can do, then wanting to keep talking to him about is probably counter productive and you have a decsion to make that he can't help you with.

I know it is possible that the hair loss is a problem for him but he is lying about it to save your feelings but when drunk the truth came out. I think however that you probably already know if this is the case.

Does his behaviour otherwise suggest that he doesn't or does find you attractive? I'd really be honest with yourself about this and then decide what you want from him. Then take it from there

I am very sorry he said it though because, yes if DH said this to me and I was already worrying that he might not find me attractive, it would probably spell the end for us. However given that I know in my heart that DH finds me attractive (despite my obesity and old age!!) then if he had made a similar comment, I'd be upset with him but not devastated and might even conceivably be able to eventually joke about it.

You need to hear something like:

"Sohurt, I'm really sorry about what I said the other night. Obviously it was the 'drunk' me talking, but I take responsibility for the fact that I said it. I can't believe I did, and I'm so disappointed in myself for doing it.

"I am genuinely so sorry for what I did. I can't believe that I've hurt you in that way. I would just ask you to trust me to try my best not to mess up like this again.

"You're a wonderful partner and mother to our children, I love you and I can't believe I've let myself down in this way over something that I know when I am sober would hurt you so much.

"Actually I'm going to think about my drinking because in that moment, I became somebody I don't like.

"I'm hoping that you'll forgive me and maybe we can talk about it again when you feel ready. Just let me know. I'll put the kettle on."

Anything short of that isn't really an apology.....

People talk shite when drunk and their mental state is squewed. I’ve said loads of stuff when drunk I didn’t mean
I agree, I don’t think it’s quite as simple to say that drunk words are words you can’t say sober.
OP I’d be really upset too, forgive him when you’re ready, let all the anger and upset out first.

I'd be tempted to say to him, face to face, that if he can't take responsibility for what he said and his refusal to even apologise (sorry if I've missed that he did) then you'll have to seriously think about your relationship. How he reacts to that will tell you a lot.

Alternative point of view, but I think that you are being way too over sensitive here but then me and my DH have a very jokey relationship.. I have shaved my hair off in lockdown, I am regularly called skinhead, baldy, I take it as it is meant , a joke. He even pointed out a very deep wrinkle of mine yesterday. I know he loves me and we just laugh it off. I call him skinny, it works both ways

He made it worse by implying you can't take a joke. Jokes are only funny when they person being teased thinks it is funny. He doesn't get to dictate to you m

He should have said sorry and meant it and not told you to shut up about it. Stupid dick has made it a worse than it needed to be, if it needed at all which it wasn't.

OP, I’m really sorry to hear this. I’ve also suffered recent hair loss (including eyebrows) and really struggled coming to terms with it. Bawled my eyes out. It really does make you question your femininity. Thankfully my DH and DC have been really supportive and know not to joke about it - it’s too sensitive.
Your DP was a twat.

That’s horrible OP big hug

Some times guys are just insensitive and girls can be a little overly sensitive. It doesn’t justify him saying something mean but it’s something I’ve noticed between DH and myself. They don’t realise what they say is hurtful as they are not as sensitive about their appearance as girls are. It’s only when I sit him down, tell him why it hurt to say what he did, why you feel like you do, why it isn’t okay to minimise what he said. I always try and get him to empathise by saying “how would you feel if...” and say something you know would upset them.

Explain that whilst he’s saying it’s “just a joke” it doesn’t make the words any less hurtful and that you would like a proper apology and assurances that this won’t happen again, that this subject is not something we get to joke about.

Honestly though, it's been a difficult relationship - lots of love but little communication or responsibility from him. Right now I do not want to be with him. I feel humiliated, sad, angry. I can't just up and leave a long term relationship with DC for one comment though. I can't repair this though

sorry just seen this update. You sound pretty clear to me. Remember if you decide to finish with him, it isn't because of his comment about your hair but his lack of communication and responsibility. these are major deficiencies in a relationship. He may not be great at them but he must be willing to try to get better, if he isn't then I agree it is probably over.

I asm assuming that it is more about his reaction to your feelings about the comment, rather than the comment itself that are the problem and that this is the straw that broke the camel's back

I have shaved my hair off in lockdown, I am regularly called skinhead, baldy, I take it as it is meant , a joke
Ok but you got rid of your hair on purpose whereas the OP lost hers and it’s a big insecurity of hers.
It’s ok for you because you have that sort of relationship and as you say, it goes two ways and you know the boundaries of what you’re both comfortable with. That’s not necessarily the way OP wants to be with her DH

If you want to wear a full hair piece then wear it. It isn't for him to decide he is uncomfortable with it so you can't.

Wow that's mean. I have significant hair loss and am very touchy about it. It's a sore spot for me.

A quick smooth over then it's expected to be forgotten about.

Thats the underlying problem, isn't it. He minimises your feelings and you are expected to swallow yours to make him comfortable. Does he ever really apologise - and by that I mean does he say 'I'm sorry, I wont do it again'? Because thats how an adult owns their behaviour.
Would he go for couples counselling?