I’d rather be dead.

[despairingandunhappy]

I hate DP.
I have never known a man so financially abusive in my life. He blames me for us having no money yet leaves me with £11 a month to live off after bills are paid. We’re 4 days before payday there is no food in my house and 10p in my bank. And all I have is him moaning about it, “he’d be better off in prison”
I’ve got fuck all. I’m glad we’re on lockdown cos it gives me an excuse to not go out. I don’t want my friends sending me pics of clothes they’re buying or holidays so I’ve come off social media. I need this off my chest because I’m about to explode.

I’d rather be fucking dead.

I'm just saying the option is there is she wants too
She can still claim from the other side of the country
Its all goes through cms and they don't give any details of location to the father
She could do the collect and pay option (if he's employed)
But it's obviously up to the OP what she decides is best

Fuck the money I’d rather just not have anything to do with him lol

I agree OP, best thing I did was walk away from the controlling abusive father of my child. He's never seen her since and not paid a penny. Both his choice and both fine by me!
That was 21 years ago now.

Your life will be a million times easier, even when it's tough it will still be easier.

Bloody hell OP! I’ve just read all you’ve been through, and to put it bluntly you’ve taken care of business incredibly fucking well. It sounds like you’ve got your ex’s number and behaviour down.

I know you referenced low self esteem earlier on, but honestly I cannot even predict how high you’ll go given what you achieved without this arsehole weighing you down. Based on what I’ve read you have a bright future ahead of you, and you’ll deserve every bit of it.

Best of luck!

OP, the anger that you are feeling is understandable. You are suddenly free to express your feelings, and they are all tumbling out.

Has your IDVA referred you for emotional support or counselling? It might help to have someone to talk to who understands.

Can I make a suggestion that you step away from social media, or at least do not message anyone that might support your abuser (or even that might seem "neutral"). What you say in anger now may be twisted and used against you in Family Court in the future. If anyone contacts you asking if you are OK, etc, either ignore, or reply simply and factually,

His mum 🐍 messaged me asking if I’m okay, telling me she’s told him he shouldn’t put his hands on me and that “we shouldn’t argue it’s not fair on my son” eh???? I’ve not even replied just read and ignored it

I think it is wise to ignore.

My rule of thumb is before I commit anything to writing in any form, I ask myself if I would be comfortable for the Family Court judge to see it. Unfortunately, even responding to a text about "arguing" could be twisted against you. This is just my opinion. I am quite battle scarred, so sorry if I come across as negative.

I think it could be possible for you to use this thick as pigshit mother's texts against him. Think of a response that backs up your position eg 'we haven't argued. He has been financially and physically abusing me for years. You do realise he took all of my money and made sure I had nothing to eat for days on end don't you?'

I'm sure you would be happy for a family court judge to see that.

Op, the world is now your oyster. It won't be easy or happen overnight, but your life is yours now and you can do whatever you like. Just imagine, by the time your DS starts school in 4 years, you could be living somewhere new, a little place of your own, a job, new friends. Your DS happy and healthy and safe, growing up without being afraid. Just take one step at a time, cut out all the bad people from your new life, and don't ever, ever go back to your ex. Just think about how good yours and ds's future will be now.

"I agree that it's not fair for your son to have to deal with the fact that he's a violent abuser, it must be very distressing for him. I think for his own mental health he should avoid having any more relationships in future. If it makes you feel better though, we didn't argue. Now I am safe and DS is away from that atmosphere we will all be a lot happier. Thank you so much for your concern and please go and fuck yourself with a rusty spoon."

"I have always made his happiness my priority which is why I am aiming to make this separation as easy and painless as possible and will consider not pressing charges. Also he will need his washing done before work so if you need me to I can tell you the best way to wash his shirts. Seeing me or DS again will most likely exacerbate his already fragile mental health so I will be avoiding that at all costs. I wish him, you and the family all the best for your future, and if you need anything else there are numerous resources online that can help"

Haha love it Darjeeling 😁. She will be apoplectic with rage. And why not? What can she do? And OP it will be such fun to send either of those.

And @Vodkacranberryplease it's just dawned on my that MIL has admitted in writing that he hit OP. This just gets better and better

*me

She has indeed! And who knows what other gems she will come out with, with just a little provocation??

This is the kind of mum that could well be her sons biggest liability. Thick and out of control. An excellent combination.

Not that it's getting to family court because they don't have a child together. Which is most fortunate!

I wouldnt reply to any of their texts. Keep them but dont respond. Let them stew.

Don’t have to be referred to SS as son isn’t at risk, thank the fuckin heavens. I’m at an appointment on Thursday to be rehomed. A fat shiner has appeared from Thursday night so I am feelin very weird about him. I realised I have no feelings anymore. And it’s made me feel happy. I took DS on a mad spending spree today and my mum is home on Friday after 6 months clean so things are good

Ahhh retail therapy, how fabulous.

And being rehomed sounds great. A start to your new life.

Don't forget to take a photo of you looking scared, with your shiner!!!!

Send it to his mum. With a thumbs up emoji.

If it's safe to do so, as someone above already said, sell some of his stuff on eBay. Create a new account, don't offer collection but post items, and start from things he wouldn't immediately miss but that would raise enough money for a day's worth of food. Even £10 is better than nothing. You don't even have to ask for what the items are worth. You just need to sell them for enough money to last you for that day. The following day you sell something else (obviously list them all at once but having multiple items for sale means you are more likely to make a sale than if you had one expensive item only available).

Then go and speak to one of the bodies mentioned above. ASAP. They are likely to have ideas and resources none of us here is aware of or can think of. The sooner you contact them, the sooner you are out of there.

This man is obviously a despicable person, a waste of space. There is no reason for you to stay with him. Your child will be grateful you got out now.

@SunshineChatter youve missed out on the latest - the OP is out safe and sound and has money now he's not taking it and is about to be rehoused!

I suggested flogging his crap stuff but sometimes you have to move fast. Which she did.

@despairingandunhappy
I missed your initial posts and have just caught up on this thread.

I just wanted to say well done! You've made brave decisions to take care of yourself and your child and it's wonderful to read a positive outcome. Yes things might still be tough and I'm sure you'll have some stressful times ahead, but I'm sure you'll overcome these challenges. You're clearly a brave strong woman and a great example for your child.

Stay strong and good luck with your new life. Please cut all ties with him and keep posting