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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner says he wants to leave

169 replies

Layla17 · 02/10/2007 16:40

I am devastated. My partner and father of my 2 year old and 1 year old has said he is not happy and wants to leave. 2 weeks ago we moved away from my family and into a house that we can only afford if we live together.
He has been very stressed at work recently and has become emotionally attached to a girl he works with who is a born again christian and has told him that she loves him but he must leave me before anything can happen. He has said that she is not the reson he is leaving but that he does have feelings for her but in an emotional not a physical way.
He has said that he doesn't know how he feels about me and wants time on his own. We are due to go on holiday a week on saturday with my family and I don't know what he intends to do.
he moved into the spare bedroom last night.
I am desperate to save our relationship for the sake of the children and cannot belive this is happening.
Anyone got any tips on dealing with this?

OP posts:
ruty · 02/10/2007 16:44

What a lovely born again Christian that girl sounds. She sounds like a complete and utter .
Would he go to counselling with you? Relate do a very good service. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Does he suggest where you and the children are going to live if he moves out? Hope someone else can offer more advice but I would give him an ultimatum of going to counselling together or a costly divorce.

ruty · 02/10/2007 16:45

and you can tell him that if she were really a Christian she would back off totally and certainly never ask him to leave you and his children.

Original poster
Layla17 · 02/10/2007 16:47

I know - I wouldn't care but he does not believe in god and she is talking about him converting to her religion and joining her church and paying a % of his income to the church.He doesn't seem to be objecting!! He thern goes on to say that they are just friends.
I have mentioned Relate but he has said he thinks it is too late. 2 months ago he asked me to marry him! How can it all change so quickly?

OP posts:
babywhiting · 02/10/2007 16:49

i think that you both have to do what is best for the children. if he wants to leave then really is there anything you can do to stop him other than locking him in a cupboard! it seems that he is wanting time out and he is blaming you for his stress, and talking to this other girl to make himself feel better. TBH he's an idiot he needs to talk with you not her thats the only possible way of sorting things out - talking!!!! i'm sorry this is happening to you and the children and my thoughts are with you having beeen in a similiar situation a few years ago.
hopefully things will get sorted and you will lead a happy life whatever the outcome , we're always here to help!!
hugs to you x

ruty · 02/10/2007 16:51

stress at work and an infatuation [of whatever sort] with this girl can throw some people. Are you both young? You really have to insist upon Relate IMO. It is the least he can do when you are the mother of his children. You can say if it doesn't work after a full course then you are prepared to separate. But relationships are not easy. They are bloody hard work. And he may regret walking away.

TimeForMe · 02/10/2007 16:54

Hi

I know this may be easier said than done as what has just happened to you is awful! But, I would handle it by being totally together while in front of him. I wouldn't be begging him to either talk or stay at this moment in time.
I would just let him get on with it! It seems he has already made his mind up anyway but, I think he is more likely to have his conscience pricked by a woman who is not falling apart and clinging at his heels and sobbing into his shoes

In fact, turn the tables on him, give him a shock, put all his stuff in the front garden and tell him to sod off!

Then just sit back and wait for him to come home with his tail between his legs! The only begging that will be done will be from him!

ruty · 02/10/2007 16:56

no don't plead or sob. just state calmly that he should not expect everything to be easy, you agreed to take this house on together and you have to think about the children too.

Original poster
Layla17 · 02/10/2007 16:56

I know what you all mean but I tend to agree with ruty in that I want to sort it out rather than pushing him into the arms of the other woamn who is young free and single and not a working mum of two young children.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 02/10/2007 17:00

I understand that

But if he shows no signs of talking about it, if he insists that his mind is made up then just leave it for now or you will end up just pushing him further away. The best thing to do is play it cool (well, as cool as you can under the circumstances) Don't do anything that will cause you to lose self respect.

ruty · 02/10/2007 17:01

i'd love to know which church that girl goes to. I'd have a word with her vicar. I honestly would!

TimeForMe · 02/10/2007 17:04

We can't blame the girl though Ruty, as much as we would like to but it is Layla17's husband who has the responsibility to his family, he is the one who should be walking away from the girl.

She is a christian temptress!!

professorplum · 02/10/2007 17:05

She almost sounds like she is trying to brainwash him. If she was really a christian then she wouldn't have told him that she loved him and she wouldn't encourage him to leave his family. It is an inappropriate friendship at best. Do you know what church she belongs to? You could do some detective work to see if it is a cult, esp if they expect members to give large financial contributions.

mosschops30 · 02/10/2007 17:12

IMHO men who 'need a bit of time' or 'a bit of space' generally want to have a few weeks/months on a mates sofa whilst they shag a couple of other women theyve had their eye on before trundling back to the marital home into the arms of a grateful wife.

If I were you I would play him at his own game, we'd all like a bit of space away from our lives but it doesnt work like that when you have children you stay, you work at it, you are a family. Why do men think its ok to have 'time out'.

If my dh told me this I'd tell him to f*ck off but then thats cos I'm a hard bitter cow who thinks life is short to be wasted on arseholes. I love my dh very much, and he does me, but we both know any funny business and its curtains and that works both ways, he certainly wouldnt tolerate this and neither would I

ruty · 02/10/2007 17:16

i know timeforme, I just hate the whole born again christian thing, it is so self centred, and often devoid of normal humanity and morality, as this case proves.

TimeForMe · 02/10/2007 17:22

I agree Ruty but, we only know what Leyla17's husband has told her. He could be telling fibs! he may be flattered by this young girls attention and be about to make the biggest prat of himself ever!

TimeForMe · 02/10/2007 17:25

Has this all come as a shock to you Leyla? Out of the blue? or have you noticed a change in him recently?

lou031205 · 02/10/2007 18:27

Ruty, all this case proves is that not everyone who calls themselves a born again Christian is one!

The bible clearly states "I hate divorce, says the Lord" (Malachi 2:16).

For a born again Christian who is following God, it would be a very difficult thing to decide to divorce their partner. It certainly is outrageous and disgusting to try and encourage a man to leave his wife in the name of God.

ruty · 02/10/2007 19:52

I don't have anything against Christians lou, but I have had some bad experiences with the charismatic, evangelical, born again kind.

ruty · 02/10/2007 19:56

btw my dad is a vicar and i was brought up in the church s know a fair bit about it.

ruty · 02/10/2007 20:01

my anger also comes from the fact that, maybe Leyla and her partner are not married, so this girl thinks they are fair game in her morality, which i think is obviously outrageous and immoral - Leyla and her partner have children and it shouldn't matter whether they are married or not.

sKerryMum · 02/10/2007 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Layla17 · 02/10/2007 20:44

We are not married but he proposed to me 2 months ago and he has told me that she says that in the eyes of mankind and god we are married.
She has made it clear to him that she will only enter a relationship with him if he leaves me.
A month ago he told me that she was involved in a cult and she had been brainwashed and it was all a bit wierd what with the payment of 10% of her income. That is why it now seems strange but then I think that if he has fallen in love with her he may see things in a different light.
i have seen messgaes from her (wrong I know)where she says they can have sex in a year or so and catch up. She has also said that he needs to decide what he wants and she will be there for him either way.
I am worried that if he does go to her my children will have contact with someone who's values and beliefs I am not happy about and theirfather was not happy about until he became bewitched.
I am starting to panic. We have just put the kids to bed together and I think I love him and desperately want him to stay but then he goes all sulky and tells me I have never needed him enough and have controlled him (I have a good job and a higher income than him and deal with all the household finances)and i start to dislike him. W have been together 9 years and I have never heard him be so nasty to me.
I cannot concentrate on anything.
I appreciate everyone's support.Thank you.

OP posts:
ruty · 02/10/2007 21:29

don't think there is anything wrong with Christan values and beliefs but this woman is not being very Christian. I would still recommend Relate if you can.

Original poster
Layla17 · 02/10/2007 21:35

Thanks ruty
I will speak to him again. At the moment he is being so miserable that I think it might be better if he goes. I cannot cope with this.
Don't know what is going to happen about our holiday a week on Saturday. I had wanted him to come as I thought it would be a good chance to relax as a family and would prove to him that it can be fun but now I am not so sure.
I just don't want him to leave in case he takes his relationship with her one step further and then there is no going back for us.

OP posts:
Tortington · 02/10/2007 21:38

i am another person who thinks that youshould speak to her minister.

i would also take this time to plan what will happen - where will you and the children live - explain to him how his finances will be becuase he willhave to pay child maintenance.

you really need tos ay " ok - if you are indeed going to do this - we must have a serious discussion about the finances and the children"

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