My partner says he wants to leave

[Layla17]

I am devastated. My partner and father of my 2 year old and 1 year old has said he is not happy and wants to leave. 2 weeks ago we moved away from my family and into a house that we can only afford if we live together.
He has been very stressed at work recently and has become emotionally attached to a girl he works with who is a born again christian and has told him that she loves him but he must leave me before anything can happen. He has said that she is not the reson he is leaving but that he does have feelings for her but in an emotional not a physical way.
He has said that he doesn't know how he feels about me and wants time on his own. We are due to go on holiday a week on saturday with my family and I don't know what he intends to do.
he moved into the spare bedroom last night.
I am desperate to save our relationship for the sake of the children and cannot belive this is happening.
Anyone got any tips on dealing with this?

i dont think that he has any excuse to be dicking about with your feelings.Keepsome dignity hun because when push comes to shove it will be your best friend if things go up shit creek.you need to start looking into starting your own finances out, and let him see that on the outside you are keeping it together.belive me i do know what your going through hun, me and dp split for 6 months 3 years ago...and after a couple of months being a drip of a woman i found my dignity and flicked my bloody hair back

I've also been through similar, went to Relate best thing we ever did. This isn't over and, from your earlier post I agree with what the other poster said that he doesn't quite know what he wants, is feeling trapped and isn't dealing with it well (bloody men with their bottling up, ignoring then running away from things....)not got much time but a few things (PC and non-PC):

• give him space (or he'll take it anyway)
• go to relate and expect first session to be great (relief) second and third to be horrible (getting into all the problems) but don't give up until at least 6 or 8, by which time things may we be better.
• Look at what you did that contributed to the situation (controlling, putting presssure on, getting into a rut.
• take time to look after yourself and do things that make you happy and that are not about him.
• Look at what needs to change for this relationship to work (what both of you need to do) include lifestyle, dreams, how you do things, priorities.
• Get support from others as you'll need it eg friends that know you rather than mutual friends.

I went from DH telling me he didn't want to be married, he didn't feel the same anymore and went to Relate just because we owed it to the relationship to find out what went wrong , moved out to better stronger marriage .

The relate books are really good especially the "staying together, from crisis to commitment one" was my lifesaver.

PS don't throw him out, if he is basically a good guy who's having a crisis (and only you will know deep down whether he's one of the good guys) be bloody angry, but give him love and understanding as well and he will come back, and you'll be better for it. Sounds like his life is a stressful nightmare at the moment, he's trapped and wants to escape.

Is he one of the good ones? Cos my DH struggles now with guilt about what he did and how he could ever have been that person, but it was a cry for help

Morning Layla love, I guess you'll look at this today, hope it goes ok, speak later if you want to. Take care of you

'In fact, turn the tables on him, give him a shock, put all his stuff in the front garden and tell him to sod off!'

I did this and it backfired on me! I dumped all exes stuff on his mums doorstep and told him to piss off after he got 'emotionally involved' with a 16 yr old schoolgirl who also worked for him

They are still together now.

I think the idea of holding yourself together in front of him is a good one, acting as if you are calm and rational (hard I know)Don't beg or plead. They get a bit taken aback when you are like this.

Good luck with Relate today Layla.

Thank you all so much for being there. I can't belive how uch support I am getting from you. I look forward to logging in.
I hope he is willing to give it a try becuase from what you have all sadi it can work even if it has gone this far.
I am worried that he may tell me during the relate session that it is definitely over; how would the counsellor help us talk?
He worked late last night and was not home till 12.30. WE spoke during the evening as I rang him so that he could say good night to the girls.
tHis morning my eldest woke up and was screaming for me. Before i could get up he went to her and took her into the spare badroom with him. I felt terible - I wanted her to be with me and am worried about what she will think.
any tips on how I should prepare for the RElate session?

me again
Fawkeoff - what happened with you and your other half. How did you sort it out?
Mainlyhappy - did you separate? Did you feel that it was over from his point of view but still keep trying? I am worried my other half will just give up. How do you persuade them not to?

Layla just one thing - Relate can be a little bit frustrating to begin with, especially with a phone conversation, as the first appt is realy an appraisal of the situation - they will then tell you if they think it would be useful for you to come long term and you will go in the system and wait for a course of appointments. I think these could be really useful to you both, but it is a long term approach. I don't think you will get a quick fix tonight. Pace yourself and remember you're in for the long haul. Stay calm and don't get too upset by him right now - whatever he says now does not necessarily mean it will happen long term. And i seriously doubt he would be able to have a real proper relationship with the born again nutcase - unless he suddenly decided to join her church, which would presumably involve an awful lot of self deception. Stay strong and good luck.

Thanks ruty
He phoned me half an hour ago and seemed really down. I asked what was wrong and he said just everything at the moment. He said he spent last night at work just thinking about what he should do. He is worried about seeing his mum this weekend because he knows she is going to be upset with him.
While on the phone he got a text. I asked who from and he said it was from her and he read it and said it was work related.
I just feel as though time is not on my side and that if Relate does not help today then he will not stick around to try a course of appts and if he does not do that then he may go off to be with her beacuse that is easier than trying to make it work.

you don't ususally have to text work related stuff do you? She sounds a complete nightmare. Just hang in there you're doing really well. I understand your fears but there is nothing else you can do.

Hi Layla

Don't worry too much about relate. I thought exactly the same - day of first appointment I was stuck for 3 hours on the M25 in the morning and I remember just shouting out loud, sort of wailing (I was by myself in the car and I phoned the Samaritans in the hour before because I was in pieces. In fact when we got there it was a relief because I felt like the thing that to me was the end of the world was to them an everyday occurence, it normalised it and made me feel a bit better straight away. Being in the room with a stranger third party who wasn't there to take sides (the only person who couldn't!) was like a safety net for us to talk - without fear of things being taken the wrong way, The counsellor helped us clarify what we meant and how we felt and why and where we had thoughts that weren't fair or logical eg "a relationship always has to be perfect, you each has to give the other everything they need....which we hadn't quite got!

To answer your questions, we did separate for 3 months during relate and shortly after. I put no pressure on him to come home and said it was his home and he was welcome back but by his own choice, he needed to choose to be with me again. He definitely felt it was over - but started to feel differently when he saw that things could change and us be different. I didn't really persuade him to stay but said (which was true) that I couldn't and wouldn't walk away from my marriage (which I meant) also that I would change but he needed to as well and obviously if we couldn't then it wouldn't work because I want(ed) a happy life and the fairytale. I asked him to make his decision only when he was really clear on what had gone wrong and why.

He's willing to go to relate (even if only for your sake in his eyes just now) and some of the things he's said I don't think it is over. He married you and had your kids for a reason and those reasons will still be there - they're just buried right now under a lot of crap.

Nothing you can really do to prepare for relate - they'll manage the conversation and keep it under control, remember to let him have plenty chance to talk and really listen to what he's saying. Second session will be where you get into it - first one is really just to assess you as I think someone else has said

PS when things are better, you may find you dislike him then for a while, when you can relax again. This is also to be expected.

I'll log in tomorrow let me know how it went. It will likely be very bad, maybe worse than now before it gets better.

Thinking of you. And I promise, it is possible to come out of this better and happier (and a hell of a lot wiser) than you were before.

Sorry just read you're not married - makes no difference IMO anyway. Also if was going to have an affair he would have done. I still think this was a cry for help / potential escape route for him.

hi hun in response to your question :

i got together with dp when i was 15 had dd at 17.......too much too young.i just wrapped myself up in dd and didnt really give a shit about him anymore.we were more co habiting than in a relationship.things got really bad and he was brave enough to walk.I didnt feel like this at the time, i felt like my world had just caved in and i was never going to be happy again.we were apart for roughly 6 months and decided that we did really love each other and wanted to work at it as a couple.3 years and ds later we are happy together.we still have to work at our relationship but i have to say that the break really showed us how much we meant to one another and even though it was a really horrible experience it was for the best

Hi guys
Well it seemed to go ok yesterday. We bth said a lot of things that we had not said to each other before and it was quite interesting. He said that he felt as though I made all the decisions in our lives and that he had stopped disagreeing and standing up to me - I think that is probably fair. i told him about the impact the other woman/friend has had on me. He said I had changed since the birth of our second child and the problems she had.
One interesting thing that came out of it was the he said that setting aside the birth of his children, the happiest time of his life was when his mother left his father and they moved to a small house away from everything. He said he now just wants to move away into a house of his own and be on his own. The counsellor said she thought that was significant and he saw moving away as the solution to everytghing but it might not be in this case.
After the session yesterday lunchtime we spoke to each other openly and chatted for about 4 hours. We agreed that we would try with each other but not live in each others pockets and spend 2 nights each per week out on our owns have a couple of nights in front of the tv together and one night a week going out. On weekends we would spend time with the girls and do work on the house - which we need to do whether we are staying or selling. We are going to stay in seperate rooms for the time being - his choice not mine.
He is concerned about the holiday but has said he will come as long as we make sure we give each other space.
As for the other woman he still wants to keep his friendship with her. Aparently she has said that she will speak to me if it helps to confirm that they are only friends - not sure about that!
My view is that he wants to be with her but knows it will not work and she is saying no because of her faith - I think that may be making him want her more. He is obviously still v confused.
We had a really pleasant evening with the girls and then had a take away and relaxed with each other for the frst time in weeks.
THis morning he has gone to work and is going away to stay with his mother afterwards so we will not see him till tomorrow night.
He said he felt much happier this morning. He said he could not give me any promises about whether it will work but said that he will promise to try and will show me more respect with the issue of the other woman.
I am still v confused - don't want to get my hopes up but desperately want it to work. Don't know if I am just prolonging the agony Not sure if I will trust him again though.
What do you all think? Sorry about the length of this.

well at least there is some kind of silver lining hun.Do not even entertain the other trout, she is not christian enough to tell you she wants to steal your man is she????.If you are both trying to make this work then i feel its only fair that he keeps his distance from this trout as much as possible if you have any chance in salvaging anything you have.

I know you are right but he is adamant they are just friends and does not want to lose that. He has said that he will respect me and not see too much of her and will not put her before me. He finishes working with her next Friday - I suppose my worry is that he will miss her and decide that she must be the one for him.
Catch 22. I know Ia m being naive about her but don't know what else to do.

or it may be differant and he might think "wtf did i even see in her".there is nothing you can do hun but ride it out,it must be horribl living in limbo land but trust me, even if things dont work out the way that you want them to,you will gwt through it x

well done Layla! It sounds like the Relate session was a good start - it does sound very significant that he associates good times with his mum splitting up with his father and he sees a separation with you as an escape as a result, but the Relate counsellor may help him to see that is a false association to make. Did she say when you could be seen again? Be strong, it is hard to live together but in separate rooms etc, but you have to see it in the long term.

Hi Layla17, just reading through your thread, what a horrible time you are having..

I completely understand about that sick feeling in the pit of your stomache, you just cannot escape this situation can you?

My friend is a born again christian and didn't have sex until she got married-she was with him for a couple of years even though she has a 7yo by another guy?

Anyway, I think your partner is having a bit of a breakdown, have you suggested visiting the dr for anti depressants?

This woman is a shoulder to cry on and because you have been part of the problem(re the stress of life/family probs) he has turned to her.

I believe YOU can get him back and WIN as I sort of see it as I feel as though this woman is a wee bit competative?

IMO, if you can muster up some inner strengh and say to yourself NO! i'm not having this anymore, and go on your holiday, you will be showing him that you are getting on with your life and showing him strength of character. That may look more attractive to him than you being weak, unthough completely understandable in your situation.

Try not to think about what he may get up to while you are away, this will drive you mad, just think that i'm gonna try and pull it together for my kids and if he's gonna do it, hes gonna do it, there is nothing you can do.Easier said than done I know but you know what I mean?

In the mean time, do the Relate thing as it obviously keeps the lines of communication open.

Good Luck ok

Glad Relate went ok, and that you have talked about some things, are you going to keep going? Interesting too about his dad, I wonder how old he was and the circumstances cos i bet that plays a big part in this too, how he thinks of himself as a father figure etc. Anyway - to you - how you feeling this evening? Hope you're ok, or as ok as you can be in this situation. You're doing really well and sounding strong even if you're not feeling it. What I used to think to get me through was play the long game, there isn't a quick fix. Believe in yourself, get support from friends if you can and hang in there.

It's really what you think Layla that's what's important. Although you don't have to rush into anything.

Have you reminded him about his marriage vows and also the hurt and upset it will cause to your daughters if you do split up. He has made some enormous commitments that can't just be walked away from lightly.

As for this -

"As for the other woman he still wants to keep his friendship with her. Aparently she has said that she will speak to me if it helps to confirm that they are only friends - not sure about that!"

If that ever does happen, and I hope for your sake that it doesn't, I'd be asking her what the hell does she think she's doing getting involved with a married man.

Honestly the "friendship" thing is quite disgusting. How dare the two of them try to rub your nose in it and pretend that they aren't doing anything wrong. Awful behaviour (even if your husband is having some kind of crisis).

Sound like it went well at relate at least you have heard for the first time what some of the issues really are on his side and it's only when you know what the problems are that you can start to deal with them. Don't worry about separate rooms as you have to think of the long term picture.

Maybe take some time to really think about how things have been in the past year or so and what needs to change in your relationship, if you have been too controlling what do you need to do differently. His view on what you might change is very important. Maybe start small, ask him one thing he'd like you to do for him and vice versa, then do it regardless of what you think about it. Little things like this start to build upp goodwill again. but of course it works both ways, he can't in future bottle things up til there's resentment then drop bombshells like this one - it's an awful way to treat you.

I would let him make his own decision about the holiday and respect that whatever it is - it will be the first indication to him that he does have some control and, remember, you are thinking long term happiness here.

Please please do the full course of relate sesions as things may well be easy for the first week then will almost certainly get harder (as you both struggle to make sense of what really needs to change) and may feel like they're going backwards but you will get there.

Also I promise it will be possible to trust him again. has taken me 18 months but I actually trust him more now cos we got through it at we know how to communicate better now.

Thinking of you - remember to take time to look after yourself and keep talking to all of us

Elizabeth I completely agree with what you said about the born again woman thing (trying not to swear) and think it is completely out of order of him to expect you to contemplate he has anything to do with her at all. Sorry, angry on your behalf, he is out of order

i am with elizabeth on that layla, even if you were so naive to speak to her, you know thatshe wouldbe feeding you spoonfulls of bullshit.She knows damn well that she is not an innocent party in this situation and is trying to cover her whoreness up.I really do think you should make it very clear that you are not listening to his "she is a good friend" tripe,and that you are not happy with the whole "just friends shit" if he really thought anything of your relationship then he wouldn't think twicee about ending the "friendship"