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Original poster

My partner says he wants to leave

169 replies

Layla17 · 02/10/2007 16:40

I am devastated. My partner and father of my 2 year old and 1 year old has said he is not happy and wants to leave. 2 weeks ago we moved away from my family and into a house that we can only afford if we live together.
He has been very stressed at work recently and has become emotionally attached to a girl he works with who is a born again christian and has told him that she loves him but he must leave me before anything can happen. He has said that she is not the reson he is leaving but that he does have feelings for her but in an emotional not a physical way.
He has said that he doesn't know how he feels about me and wants time on his own. We are due to go on holiday a week on saturday with my family and I don't know what he intends to do.
he moved into the spare bedroom last night.
I am desperate to save our relationship for the sake of the children and cannot belive this is happening.
Anyone got any tips on dealing with this?

OP posts:
Tortington · 02/10/2007 21:39

i wouldnt go on holiday - its not the time

Original poster
Layla17 · 03/10/2007 09:38

I saw a draft text he was going to send her this morning and it said that he was leaving me to be with her and she had to take him seriously. He said he knew she had said that they could not be together until she was 30 (in 2 years) but he could not understand that and if he was not serious about her he would not have left his children. He asked if I had read his text and I said no. He then admitted that they were talking about a relationship but it did not affect things with me. She will not get together until she is 30.
He has said that she has made him realise that I am not right for him or else he would not be looking at someone else. He had a brief emotional fling 6 years ago which I knew about but we had moved on from that.
He has agreed to Relate and I have booked a session for friday.
Don't know what to do!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Layla17 · 03/10/2007 09:40

Has anyone been through this and saved their relationship?

OP posts:
compo · 03/10/2007 09:41

so sorry to hear all this.
If you went to Relate and stay togther would you ever be able to trust him?

ruty · 03/10/2007 10:34

glad you are going to Relate that is great. But you have to empower yourself. He is really being a tw*t. All this stuff she is saying, saying will sleep with him in a year, she can't be with him for another two years, the unavailability of her is the key and she knows it. If they had slept together it would be all over by now. But you have to decide if you want to put up with this. The betrayal has already happened in everything but the physical. She should be told she is committing adultery now, in her actions, if she is so worried about christian values.
At relate you shoul also say you are worried about the children's welfare, how he is going to support him and where you and the children will live. It might make him wake up and smell the coffee. Good luck.

ruty · 03/10/2007 10:36

how he is going to support the children i mean.

CountessDracula · 03/10/2007 10:38

Goodness me
He sounds like HE has been brainwashed and she is mentally ill tbh

Good luck at relate, she sounds like a nightmare.

HonoriaGlossop · 03/10/2007 10:38

Layla, it's great that you've got relate booked and that he's agreed.

I think relate could really help him clarify his thinking. Saying to her that you can't be right for him as he's looking elsewhere is woolly thinking really; many people look elsewhere during a marriage (but don't act) some even do act on it but still manage to save the marriage. He may well be feeling very trapped by the young kids, and he may have 'scared' himself two months ago when he talked of marriage.

I think it can't hurt for him to be given the opportunity to talk all this through, along with his issues with you earning more etc etc.

To me, it sounds saveable - if he has a core of common sense, if that makes sense.

I also agree with Custy that alongside this, you'd be really sensible to work out what would have to happen with the house and the kids and the money in the event of separation. He needs to be faced with the reality that he won't skip off into the sunset with the morally incontinent christian, with no responsiblities; he'll have to make regular times to see the children, he'll have to pay some maintenance for them, deal with your house and any debts; it will come with a price, basically.

Baffy · 03/10/2007 10:41

It does sound like he's been brainwashed and tbh, it sounds like he wants her because he can't have her.

Relate would have helped us I'm certain of it, but we left it too late and dh's relationship with the ow had gone too far.
I really hope you can get through this. If he does leave he'll soon realise the grass is definitely not greener. I just hope he wakes up and realises that before it's too late.

Original poster
Layla17 · 03/10/2007 10:46

Thanks for all the advice.
I just don't know. I had to stop my car on the way to work and throw up on the grass verge. He was behind me with the kids - i don't think he understands what this is doing to me.

I can't believe that this is the man I love. Our youngest child nearly died at birth last year and we still do know if she is brain or organ damaged. He was my rock throughout that tiome and I admit that i have struggled to get over it and come to terms with it. I feel as though maybe I have pushed him away. i definitley feel as though I cannot cope without him.

I need him and the children need him. But we need him as he was and not how he is now.

Don't knw how I will be able to let them out of my sight if he leaveds and they have to go and stay with him (or worse still him and her)!

OP posts:
Original poster
Layla17 · 03/10/2007 10:47

Sorry, my typing is rubbish. Meant to say we don't know if she is brain damaged.

OP posts:
ruty · 03/10/2007 10:49

it sounds like you have had some terrible stresses to deal with. This woman, with all her 'perfect' born again christian values [as he sees it] and unavailability, might be just an escape mechanism at the moment. As HG says, if he has an ounce of common sense of self knowledge i think the relationship is saveable. Say all these things at Relate that you've told us.

Original poster
Layla17 · 03/10/2007 10:53

Thanks
I am just woried that he has made his decisions and is just ging through the motions with Relate. If he is saying that he does not want to be with me and that I am not the right person for him can things be turned around? Should I just give up now?

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 03/10/2007 10:56

well look at the stress he (you both I know) has been under

Terrible birth situation
Moving house
vile tart flinging herself at him

It is probably just a cry for help tbh

ruty · 03/10/2007 10:58

go to Relate and talk it through. Even if you do end up splitting up it might make things clearer for both of you. And it is a chance of repairing the relationship long term.

Original poster
Layla17 · 03/10/2007 10:59

Can't belive how supportive you all are. Thanks.
Has anyone been through this and had a success story?

OP posts:
ruty · 03/10/2007 11:01

some people get through affairs and your partner hasn't had a proper one. [yet] some people don't. With all the stresses and strains you've had recently, it isn't surprising there are cracks. Some people can repair them, some can't. Your future is an open book Layla.

ruty · 03/10/2007 11:03

sorry didn't mean to sound patronizing! Maybe someone will be along to tell you their experience.

Baffy · 03/10/2007 11:35

there are a few people on here who have got through things like this, and much worse.

bumping for you

prettyfly1 · 03/10/2007 12:07

ultimately lovely i agree with the other girls. you have both had a truly difficult time and he is doing the classic man thing of harking back to a free and idelaistic youth free from the strains of his problems of the last couple of years. relate will really help you both and as for this woman last time i checked marriage (official or otherwise) in the eyes of god was a lifetime commitment - for better or worse and foresaking all others. by promising sex at some point in the future she is playing with him. it sounds liek she is trying to lure him into something very different then her bed and i would really watch if the worst comes to the worst how this progresses. I know someone who was involved in a cult situation and i dont want to scare you but they will try anything, justified in the name of god, to get their own way. Your man is vulnerable and has been through a time for which he is looking for answers and that makes him a perfect target. just be very very aware of how the situation evolves. good luck and huge hugs as you have been through enough and i really feel for you!

Original poster
Layla17 · 03/10/2007 12:22

THanks prettyfly. I agree that we should try. I do not know the person that I am living with at the moment. I just hope I can get him back. Has anyone used Relate in these circumstances?

OP posts:
keeplaughing · 03/10/2007 12:40

Hi Layla17, haven't got time to reply properly at the moment but yes I have used Relate - not in same circumstances but some similar - and it has been v v good. if he's agreed to go that's a major thing. Really feel for you,hang on in there, and keep talking on here, it helped me more than anything. I even recommended to my Relate counsellor that she should advise people to get support here. Will get back to you later

Original poster
Layla17 · 03/10/2007 12:47

I know. THis is the first time I have used the site and i feel as though I have so much support. I really feel as though there is no chance of saving the relationship from his point of view and I cannot cope with that reality. Can Relate really help change his mind?

OP posts:
ruty · 03/10/2007 12:53

no idea Layla. but definitely worth a try.

keeplaughing · 03/10/2007 13:00

Well, will try to make this short. 2 years ago my DD got into big debt and I found out by accident. We struggled through this and then he said he wasn't in love with me any more and maybe he should leave and 'make a clean break' then we stopped having sex completely as he said he didn't find me sexually attractive any more. Eventually i said i wanted to go to relate as we really couldn't deal with this situation ourselves. he first said he didn't want to go as he dedn't think talking would do any good. But we did go and he actually 'enjoyed' it. We're now a few months down the line and have talked through loads of issues, like each other again, communicate loads more (ie talk things through)and have started having sex again after a YEAR (and patchy before that)It may take a while but it can work out if both parties want it too. Incidentally I also earnt more than DH, looked after finances and he also thought i was 'controlling' I think you just need o get him talking about all the issues - the weird cult woman is just an aberration i'd say. Silly b*h

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