My partner says he wants to leave

[Layla17]

I am devastated. My partner and father of my 2 year old and 1 year old has said he is not happy and wants to leave. 2 weeks ago we moved away from my family and into a house that we can only afford if we live together.
He has been very stressed at work recently and has become emotionally attached to a girl he works with who is a born again christian and has told him that she loves him but he must leave me before anything can happen. He has said that she is not the reson he is leaving but that he does have feelings for her but in an emotional not a physical way.
He has said that he doesn't know how he feels about me and wants time on his own. We are due to go on holiday a week on saturday with my family and I don't know what he intends to do.
he moved into the spare bedroom last night.
I am desperate to save our relationship for the sake of the children and cannot belive this is happening.
Anyone got any tips on dealing with this?

Layla, what do you want to do?

Without wishing to add to your problems and with good intentions I promise, you may need to start to get a little practical here too. Whilst you go through your councelling and work on your relationship, can you get some legal advise on the quiet. My Hubby and I split after 10 years some time agao, he cancelled all the bills from his name after moving out (I found out from the utility services)as the person remaining in the house you are legally resposible for the mortage if you have one and you need to look at the CSA website to see the most you would be entitled to for the children. I didn't work as we have 3 kids and gave up my business to be at home etc, he has moved abroad and can pay if he feels like it, I am being dragged through court over finances he wants 5K pcm to look after himself and wants me to sell the house, and we are married, I notice you are not, so please back yourself up and do it on the quiet because I tell you it may be the 21st century but the gents seem to hold all the cards!

Ironically I am a divorce lawyer so I know my rights. he also knows that he will not be able to pull a fast one.
You asked what I want - I want him to come on holiday firstly so that I can keep an eye on him secondly so that he can see the girls and help me with them and thirdly so that he can see how good family life is and we can relax together. I know that i may be being naive but what is the worst that could happen - we have a row and he returns early or we grin and bear it and decidee to part on our return.
I just don't think he is thinking straight at the moment and he thinks that the grass is greener elsewhere - which it is not in my view.

Can I suggest you tell him those things, either at the start of the holiday or at the end of it? He needs to know that you are considering options and making plans and thinking about the long term, not just going along with whatever he wants even if what you want does happen to coincide with his wishes too. He needs to realise that there is another point of view here, yours, the one that he seems to have forgotten about.

Do you think I should tell him about the baby? I feel terribly blase about it but after what happened with my youngest I cannot cope psychologically with another baby and cannot possibly go through with it - my GP has agreed with me. I hate the thought of a termination but I would not survive the birth.

Layla, do you think you should tell him about the baby? It's up to you, but it's worrying that you seem so unable to believe that you should make any demands on this man at all. After all he was the one who got you pregnant and he's your husband. Why wasn't he taking precautions if he knew how badly affected you'd been with your last birth and all the difficulties you've had to deal with since then?

Has he really brainwashed you so much that only his needs in the relationship matter?

I suppose I am worried that he thinks it is my fault that i am pregnant. WE use Persona which is the machine that tests you homones and tells you when you can have sex - yes I know russian roulette but I have never been able to take the pill and it has always worked fine for us. Because he is not himself at the moment I am worried that he will think I have done it to try to trap him - which is the last thing I would have done.

i seriously think that you should weigh up the pros and cons of waiting for him to decide what he wants while you are both living under the same roof.do you actually think you will be able to forgive what he is putting you through????? it is not just going to go away even if he realises he has been a prick and does actually want to be with you.what would you honestly tell me to do if i was in your position?????

I think if you holiday without him you will worry all the time about him being with her. I also thonk it really wouldn't hurt for you to leave the children with him for an evening, doll yourself up to the nines, be vague about where you are going if asked, book into a hotel for the night and with a bottle if vino and a good girlfriend, let it all out. Do you want him? do you want him on his terms? can you regain equality? why is your self esteem shot? If he were leaving you but not for another would it still matter? You need a little space to try and gain some perspective which is hideous and hard with kids!

And if he blames you, you'll do what? Accept the blame? I certainly hope you won't.

You know it's not your fault, so if he does decide to blame you that's his responsibility and a flaw in his character. Do you want to be with a man who has such a low opinion of you? And you know he might not blame you, he might be an adult and realise that you getting pregnant is something that happens when people have unprotected sexual intercourse.

But you wont be trapping him, because you are having a termination......???

how on earth is getting pregnant your fault if you'd both agreed to use Persona? I'm sorry Layla, but if my partner made the accusation [or even hinted] that i'd tried to 'trap' him by getting pregnant when we'd been using Persona [which is useful but certainly not foolproof]that would be it as far as I'm concerned. If you want to have a termination for your own well being, that is fine, but be prepared that it can be a traumatic thing to go through, you will need support, and if you end up feeling it is his fault you had to go thru it [and unsupported] you may never be able to forgive him. I agree with Elizabeth at this stage, you are very concerned [and so is he] with what he wants. Start deciding what you want [in the present situation, not in the ideal] and don't let him dictate events. He needs to realise he cannot take you for granted.

BTW i don't think getting pregnant can ever be the woman's 'fault' alone - men have expected women to deal with it or take the consequences on their own for too long. there is always joint responsibility.

I am probably underestimating him and he may be totally supportive but I do not want to take the risk at the moment.
Last night he told me he still wants to try to make it work and he wants to come on the holiday. I sadi I was not sure and didn't want him to come if he didn't want to be with me and also didn't want him being miserable. He said he agreed. So he is coming - I hope it works out.
I didn't see him this morning as he left fr work really early. He phoned me a few minutes ago which he has not done for weeks. He was chating about the girls and general things and making jokes and I was waiting for him to drop the bombshell that he was not coming home or something. I asked what he wanted and he said he just wanted to say hello.
He seems to be making a bit of an effort which is a good thing. We'll see what happens. He has got a ot more work to do though.
My imediate problem is that it is his b'day while we are away - do I get him a present and if so what?

How about telling him about the pregnancy as his birthday present?

The other reason you need to tell him is that if you are going to have a termination it's better to have it sooner rather than later and I guess he'll need to know about it then.

I can understand you not wanting to say because if he is unsupportive that might be the last straw I'm guessing, but I'm not really seeing how you can avoid it, time being of the essence and all.

Yes, of course you should get him a present - even if only from the children.

It is churlish/childish not to.

i wouldn't say it was churlish or childish in the present circumstances. But i would agree just to get him a small, token present from the children, nothing big.