My partner says he wants to leave

[Layla17]

I am devastated. My partner and father of my 2 year old and 1 year old has said he is not happy and wants to leave. 2 weeks ago we moved away from my family and into a house that we can only afford if we live together.
He has been very stressed at work recently and has become emotionally attached to a girl he works with who is a born again christian and has told him that she loves him but he must leave me before anything can happen. He has said that she is not the reson he is leaving but that he does have feelings for her but in an emotional not a physical way.
He has said that he doesn't know how he feels about me and wants time on his own. We are due to go on holiday a week on saturday with my family and I don't know what he intends to do.
he moved into the spare bedroom last night.
I am desperate to save our relationship for the sake of the children and cannot belive this is happening.
Anyone got any tips on dealing with this?

Sorry, meant DH not DD

Thanks keeplaughing. That has made me feel a lot more positive. Very similar circumstances just without the other woman. You said you thought Relate could sort it out if both parties want to. I do not know if he does. Did your other half?
Also, how did you live together during this time. I am finding his moods hard to cope with and want to talk about it all the time and he says he just wants space to sort his head out.

So sorry this is going on in your life, what a vile woman this godbasher sounds (I am a Christian by the way, only had to be born once though ) my sister was friends with a girl who was a BAC and by heck she was a nut, it is all about getting people in, getting money off of them hence wanting your DP to give % of money to their "church" but oh I cant be with you in that way till I'm 30 oh and I cant be with you till you leave your family (or anyone else who will try and talk sense in to you), I doubt this woman really wants your DP just to recruit him.
I would speak to someone at her church and also I think relate is a great thing and hopefully help to make your DP see that he is being recruited and not romanced.

Good luck

Also keep laughing what is the relate session like. What happens? We are doing a telephone session because there is such a waiing list for a face to face appointment and we are at crisis point.

Thanks kimi. There may be some sense in that. If she is breaking up our relationship then why do they have to wait 2 years until she is 30 before anything can happen? Seems a bit odd. Unless that is a lie so I don't know something is happening already.

I really would try to make him see that she is using him/ trying to recruit him.
As I say my sister was friends with a girl who tried to recruit my sister, come to my church, donate money etc etc.

God, men! he said he wanted to but i don't think i believed him because he hadn't done anything himself to try to sort things out. As i was getting more and more angry with him, he was retreating more and more, downward spiral until we didn't really like each other a lot of the time. What I didn't understand at the time (and put down to him not being bothered to address things) was that he actually really didn't know what to do. Most men don't seem to have the resources to draw on that women do, so their way of dealing with things is to withdraw / ignore or run away. Don't worry about Relate session - am assuming if it's your first it's a kind of introductory thing to find out what is happening and what you both want. They will just give you both space to talk. The counsellors are very good and completely unbiased and non judgmental, and whatever the outcome I promise you will feel better just to be talking about it. If he decides not to continue I suggest you do anyway because it will help you. Don't know what it will be like on the telephone though. As for how did we live together during the bad times am not quite sure, you just do, take it one day at a time and try to look after yourself and kids as much as possible. If he definitely wanted to leave you he would have gone so surely that means there is at least some doubt in his mind whatever he is saying. By the way if this is a cult thing I bet there's a helpline somewhere on internet - might be worth a look?

THanks
i think that there is doubt in his mind because he has been up and down but I think the doubt may be more to do with leaving the babies than me. he worships them.

Hi All
Last night my other half was in tears because he had told his mum about his plans to leave and she has phoned him back sobbing and telling him she needs to speak to him. He is going down to the Midlands to see her this weekend to talk and that will give us some space. Seems like a good idea to me but don't know if it will do any good.
He also told me that he has lost all his confidence and is feelings stressed and headachey (?) all the time. I told him that we have had such a rough year that we are both not oursleves. I found myself flattering him and supporting him when he is doing very little of that for me. He still says that this thing with the other woman is nothing and she is telling him to work it out with me. Don't belive him.
THis morning he was normal with me and chatting about alsorts. He then hugged me and started crying and saying he can't belive what he is doing to me. He then told me about a guy at work who left his wife because they were not getting on and then 3 years later they have got re married and it is brilliant. He seemed to be implying that we should do that. I said why not do the Relate thing and see if we can get back on track without the separation and he said yes. We are having a session tomorrow.
he said he is still not sure what to do about the holiday.
I don't know what to do with myself. Lst night I was going to throw him out, but now that he is being ok with me again I want to make it work.
What a mess. What do you guys think I should do?
Sorry for rambling on!

Well done Layla, you have a result!

You keep up the good work! I really hope he see's sense and that all this works out for you.

Maybe, he is having some kind of stress related crisis and his infatuation with the other woman was an outlet for it, a diversion that has maybe gone a little bit too far.

I'm so pleased he is realising the error of his ways.

Thinking of you x

Thanks guys. I do still think that perhaps he is just humouring me with the Relate thing so he doesn't feel as bad when he leaves.
Should I persuade him to come on the family holiday?

Tbh I wouldn't try persuading him. I would just get on wih my plans, start packing, getting excited etc, and let him approach you about it. Show him that you intend to go whether he goes or not!
My bet is he will soon be talking about going

Hi Layla, well he says he is stressed and he is possibly a bit depressed too and really doesn't know what to do. Well done for being supportive of him, I know it's hard to do to be the strong one when you need it yourself, but he obviously does need it and it will help. Doesn't sound like he has anyone else except his mum and at least you have all of us as an outlet to help you. You're doing really well here, keep hanging in. If you can, plan to go on holiday anyway - if he decides not to go time spent apart is probably not a bad thing.

The holiday is a major problem for me. If he doesn't come I am going to be worried about what he is getting up to and I am going to be miserable while I am away. Then again I don't want the holiday to be ruined.

yes, I know it's a really difficult one - maybe think about it after your Relate session? But I don't think if you did go he would be getting up to much at all, more likely to be sitting at home wondering why he isn't with his family. And you will probably be miserable whether you are at home or away so I guess you need to think which is the lesser of the two evils. Has he spent any time by himself without you and the children? Whatever you do decide though you really need to try to focus on what you need as he, btw, is actually being extremely selfish putting his needs before his family's...

He works 4 days a week to spend one day with the girls while I am at work. THis whole thing started when he said that he could not cope with them both at once and he felt that he was a failure as a father.
He works long hours at the moment as he has a big contract to finish before the holiday and he has been working at weekends. He only gets time on his own when he is at work. He does not have many frineds in the area.
I am really down this afternoon. I was looking forward to the Relate session and was feeling positive about it but I am now worried that he may say things that I do not want to hear or that he may say he doesn't love me or that it is definitley over. Don't know if I can cope with that. What a nightmare.

it does sound that he doesnt know what he wants anymore at the moment,but that is no excuse if you think he is going to mess you around.like you say you have 2 children that you need to be strong for, and you need to let him know that if the shit is going to hit the fan any time soon you are going to do everything to protect you and your children.how old is this girl by the way, and i do agree that you should see her minister....she sounds more like a born again whore bag to me.you need to know that whatever happens hun you will get through it. he may have his issues at the moment but so does everyone else

I know exactly what you mean - i was scared that was going to happen too - but from what you have said it doesn't sound as if he really knows what he does think at the moment. I think you've both been dealing with extremely stressful times, don't underestimate it, dealing with 2 small children and both working is difficult to manage at the best of times, you both probably haven't even had a good night's sleep for several years. Meanwhile is there anything you can do to make yourself feel even slightly better today? Long bath? or whatever else you do to relax / switch off - just give yourself half an hour when kids gone to bed? Remember this man probably does still love you (he asked you to marry him 2 months ago - btw way what did you say?)but is so mired in stress / and tiredness he doesn't know what to do.

Oh, and by the way hope you don't think I'm being too easy on him, I just understand how some men work a lot better than I did a year ago thanks to our Relate sessions. I would also be feeling extremely angry with him if I was you

Whore bag LOL like it

The other woman is 28. I am 33 and he is 32. She really is not his type and in fact when he first met here through work a few years ago he used to make fun of her appearance because she has some strange features.
I said I would marry him. I have a huge rock on my finger that he designed and had made for me. My concern is that he had always said that he did not want us to marry. He comes from a divorced family and does not believe in marriage. He said it would change things - it certainly has. I think he has maybe been a bit panicked, particularly because he said he wanted a small do and I agreed and then my mum and I looked at brochures and started talking about big weddings - I wish I hadn't done that. THink he may be sacred of the commitment.

It does sound like he might be having his crisis about your daughter now and the bonkers Christian woman might be offering him some kind of certainty with her beliefs that he feels he needs to get through this. After all it's not like it's an exciting affair with her "piety" stopping them doing anything so it sounds like there is something else going on.

Do you think he could feel guilty about what's happened to your daughter? It's not a rational feeling but a lot of people can feel guilt in this situation, like they let their child down in some way (even though it obviously wasn't their fault). Then he's panicking about being a failure as a father because he didn't cope looking after them one afternoon. Would he think about parenting classes to learn some skills? It sounds like he is feeling overwhelmed and doesn't know how to deal with it.

I wouldn't normally have any sympathy for a man doing this but I really hope you and he can sort this out Layla. It really doesn't sound like the affair is the actual problem but rather a symptom of him being unable to deal with some deeper feelings (the fact it's so bizarre certainly points to this). I wish you all the luck in the world.

Sorry, I don't know where I got the idea it was just one afternoon he didn't feel he could cope. Didn't mean to make stuff up.

I als