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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner says he wants to leave

169 replies

Layla17 · 02/10/2007 16:40

I am devastated. My partner and father of my 2 year old and 1 year old has said he is not happy and wants to leave. 2 weeks ago we moved away from my family and into a house that we can only afford if we live together.
He has been very stressed at work recently and has become emotionally attached to a girl he works with who is a born again christian and has told him that she loves him but he must leave me before anything can happen. He has said that she is not the reson he is leaving but that he does have feelings for her but in an emotional not a physical way.
He has said that he doesn't know how he feels about me and wants time on his own. We are due to go on holiday a week on saturday with my family and I don't know what he intends to do.
he moved into the spare bedroom last night.
I am desperate to save our relationship for the sake of the children and cannot belive this is happening.
Anyone got any tips on dealing with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Layla17 · 07/10/2007 15:31

Hi all
Stayed at my mum and dads last night beacuse he had gone to his myums to stay. Spoek to him tyhis morning asnd he said he would be back to come to dinner at my mums tonight for my dada's birthday. He was quite up beat and not miserable as he has been but that could have been for his mum's benefit.
I went out with my sister in law today who knows what is going on and I told her what we had agreed to do and she said that in her view I should get him to leave. She said he has said and done too much for me to be able to stay with him and that I will never be able to trust him again. I can see what she means. He has said some nasty things abolut our relationship and this other girl is a big thing. BUt I don't want to walk away. I know she is only thinking of me - she is married to my brother and has 2 kids the same ages as mine and we get on really well. Is she right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Layla17 · 07/10/2007 15:34

Sorry - spelling terrible in my last post. Typing is not my strong point!!

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 07/10/2007 16:14

It's what you want Layla that matters. If you want to walk away right now then do it. If you want to stay and try and see if there's a way of solving these problems then do that.

What sort of nasty things has he said about the relationship? They must be pretty bad for her to think that.

Original poster
Layla17 · 07/10/2007 16:18

He has said that he has thought about leaving before in the 9 years that we have been together but has not been strong enough to do so and he has said that if he is looking at another woman then I cannot be the right woman for him.
My view is that every relationship has its ups and downs but you have to work at it. He seems to be looking back and thinking only of the downs. We are bound to be having a down at the moment as we have a 2 year old and a 1 year old and have ust moved house and have both been working hard. Our 1 year old was oxygen starved at birth and they until only recently thought she would be severely brain damaged. no wonder the grass looks greener!

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 07/10/2007 16:25

You sound like the sensible one in the relationship!

His idea that he'd never look at another woman after he was married is naive in the extreme. Alsmost everybody looks, the test of character (not the relationship) is whether a person acts on those feelings.

God he's pissing me off though - if he was having second thoughts about the relationship what the hell was he doing having children with you? It sounds like he's trying to rationalise his bad behaviour. It's his choice to do this - no-one else's.

Original poster
Layla17 · 07/10/2007 16:35

That is how my family and friends feel. i agree - he has feelings for someone else so rather than just dealing with that and running away with her or giving her up he thinks it is easier to pass the blame onto our relationship.
are you starting to agree that I should get rid or do you think we can get over this?

OP posts:
keeplaughing · 08/10/2007 00:28

Layla, only you can decide bout this, is he worth the amount of love you're giving him? the grass looks greener??? you have a child you nearly lost. He needs to look after you not just himself. am I misunderstanding things here?

Original poster
Layla17 · 08/10/2007 08:32

He came home on time yesterday and we went to my mum and dads for dinner. He was pretty much his usual self but said afterwards that he felt awkward. He got a text from her on the way there and told me it was work related. I checked his phone this morning and it was - she was asking him to pick up some materials on his way in this morning.
Tis morning he said I should speak to my family because he thinks they should know what is going on - he said he will feel awkward on the holiday next week if they do not know. He tells me he is coming on the holiday. Told him that I had told my sister in law and that her view was that everyone goes through their ups and downs and it was something we could and should get through. He appears to be telling all and sundry that we are near to splitting up and are having a make or break month which upsets me.
He told me the other woman was pleased we were trying - no doubt that will salve her conscience. I just wonder whether he is just trying to make his get out easier- we are still in separate bedrooms so he can at least tell her that he is not sleeping with me.
i desperately want to make it work for the sake of myself and more importantly our children but I canot trust him and don't particularly like the person he has become. THen again, last night at my mums it was as if the last few weeks had not happened and I felt secure again.

OP posts:
sprogger · 08/10/2007 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elizabetth · 08/10/2007 14:15

God I'd be tempted to tell him to stay at home and not come on holiday. It will give you and he some breathing space and some time to think and also console yourself. Why should he get the benefit of family holidays when he's behaving like this? I suppose the fear would be that he'll run straight to the bonkers Christian though.

As for him reporting back to you on how "pleased" she is that you are giving it a try, how stupid and insensitive is he? Next time he tries to report back her thoughts my advice would be to tell him straight that you aren't interested in her opinions and that they are worthless. Honestly he sounds like he's treating you like his mummy when he knows he's done something very wrong indeed but still needs your approval.

Original poster
Layla17 · 08/10/2007 15:02

UPDATE - have not been feeling well for a while (understandably) have been to the doctors tosay and apparently I am about 2 1/2 months pregnant. What am I going to do. I can't tell him because he will think I am trying to trap him. I can't keep the baby beacuse of all the problems I had with my youngest. What a mess.

OP posts:
ruty · 08/10/2007 15:07

Oh gawd Layla. Don't make any rash decisions. Are you sure you can't keep the baby if you want to? Have you got a close friend/relative you can talk this thru with. don't worry about your partner accusing you of 'trapping' him, it takes two to make a baby! You really need to get Relate to give you a series of appts ASAP.

Elizabetth · 08/10/2007 15:56

How can you say that you are trapping him? You didn't get pregnant on purpose. And even if you did, like ruty says it takes two to make a baby. I never understand men who think they can have sex without any of the consequences - what do they think nature invented sex for?

Of course you need to tell him. This is what families are - this is the commitment he made when he married you and had children with you.

Do you know why you are finding it difficult to demand that he face up to his responsibilities rather than running away and blaming you for everything going wrong?

Mainlyhappysometimessad · 08/10/2007 17:19

I think he's not trying to run away from his responsibilities and blame you, but is having a crisis and not dealing with it well. Layla, question - is he a fundamentally good guy (before all this happened?) Only you will know this. If he's a good guy acting like a bastard, I think you should keep going, if he's a bastard being a bastard then maybe not. And yes he is being insensitive telling you what this other woman says but he might be doing it with good intention(just missing the mark) Is he?

Tell us a bit more about him how does he usually treat you? - I'm kind of on his side but am projecting my DH situation onto it, which isn't right.

cheeset · 08/10/2007 18:37

Layla17, you said that you felt secure when you were all at your mums? I'm thinking you felt better there becuase you felt more secure maybe? If so, I think you need to spend time with you mum at this time and get some TLC and support from her. Your partner has the support from this 'other woman' and his mum and you need some from your mum especially at this time.

Don't rush into anything ok, I bet you mind is racing and on overload as there is so so much to think about. Could you talk things over with the health visitor?

Original poster
Layla17 · 08/10/2007 21:17

I think he is a good guy acting like a bastard. He did do this to me once before about 7 years ago when he met someone at work. Nothing happened between them but there was a connection. It only went on for a few weeks and he became very distant from me during that time. He was angry with himself afterwards.
he is a born flirt and is very charismatic so he attracts women. I know that and that is what attracted me to him in the first place.
He is always really good to me. He protects me and sticks up for me no matter what. He is kind and sensitive most of the time. When our youngest was born and we had all those problems he was there for me no matter what. We are not an openly affectionate couple but he often tells me he loves me (or at least he did).
I think that in light of what we are going through at the moment I cannot tell him about the baby - I don't know what to do. After the birth of my youngest I am not strong enough emotionally or psychologically to have another baby - I nearly had a breakdown following her birth. Just cannot belive i am in this mess. I told him that we could not have any more and he agreed.

OP posts:
SleepIsForTheWeak · 08/10/2007 22:03

Hi,
I cant believe that as youstart getting things on track this happens! I would suggest though that you cannot deal with this by yourself.
He saw you get ick the other morning, the thought has probably crossed his mind?
If you decide to terminate now, and you sort your marriage out he might feel betrayed should he ever find out.
Perhaps this will be a good thing in the long run? It sounds like you need some counselling to get over the previous birth?
Maybe go on holiday and see how things are, and choose a good time to tell him? Maybe start dropping hints like how you are feeling nauseous?
Good luck!!! You deserve happiness.
A lot of your story rings true with me too, by the way....
x

Original poster
Layla17 · 08/10/2007 22:27

Thanks Sleep. Have you been through something similar?

OP posts:
SleepIsForTheWeak · 09/10/2007 09:08

SImilar but without the complication of a pregnancy. How are you today?

Original poster
Layla17 · 09/10/2007 09:12

feeling very low. i am not at work today and am trying to have fun with my daughters. Did you work things out with your other half?

OP posts:
SleepIsForTheWeak · 09/10/2007 09:21

yeah we did, but our has always been a stormy relationship! Always will be sadly!
I suggested Relate, he agreed, and now I am the one who doesn't want to go!! tsk tsk
Your DH sounds like he wants to try too, so take things as slow as you can, and try to accept that that there are days when you will feel very strong, and then days like today when you will feel low
Are you looking forward to the holiady though?

Original poster
Layla17 · 09/10/2007 09:30

I am but I am also worried that he is just going through the motions because he feels that he has to and when we get back he will leave. Can't get the other woman out of my head - I am becoming obsessed and checking his phone and wallet at every opportunity!

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/10/2007 09:52

layla - I have skimmed through this thread but it seems to me that he has whipped the rug out from under your feet and is now holding on to it.

I think you need to gain some control back yourself for your own sanity. I personally would ask him to leave while you sort this out. It could actually do the power of good for the both of you - he will realise what he misses about you, and you wont be dangling on a thread wondering whether he is or isnt going to be gone in the morning/sloping off with another woman.

As for the pg - I would say that it is up to you what you decide to do - obviously, but I would imagine you would have the utmost care with this pg should you wish to continue because the mws and consultants would be very mindful of your last experience with your DD and do regular checks and perhaps manage your birth? (A friend had an elective c/section 2nd time around after difficulties with the birth of their first left him with severe cerebral palsy).

He does sound like he is having a hard time, you both have. But, you are being left in limbo and that just isnt fair.

You need to start thinking about yourself, thinking about what would happen if you were left on your own. Start contemplating life as a single parent. It will lead you up the path to becoming a stronger person again. Like you were before possibly?

SleepIsForTheWeak · 09/10/2007 09:54

that is understandable!
She sounds like a nut job.
he needs to stop personal contact with her, but he should decide that for himself.
All you can do, perhaps, is tell him how contact with her makes you feel, and how you would prefer it if he didn't - although I am sure he knows that.
Sorry, I am not much good at giving advice!!!! I just understand how your brain rushes around and how frustrating it is.

wurlywoo · 09/10/2007 11:06

I have skimmed through this thread myself and I really do think that you simply dont need or deserve this.

I think that he is being incredibly selfish and instead pf sorting out thia relationship with you he is immersing himself into a fantasy with you. I know all too well what things like this do to you.

I know that it would be hard to face reality but have you thought seriously about what you want?

For as long as this woman is around then you will be stuck in never ending paranoia. It will drive you up the wall could you live with that if you stay with him?

I am truly sorry that you are going through this..