My partner says he wants to leave

[Layla17]

I am devastated. My partner and father of my 2 year old and 1 year old has said he is not happy and wants to leave. 2 weeks ago we moved away from my family and into a house that we can only afford if we live together.
He has been very stressed at work recently and has become emotionally attached to a girl he works with who is a born again christian and has told him that she loves him but he must leave me before anything can happen. He has said that she is not the reson he is leaving but that he does have feelings for her but in an emotional not a physical way.
He has said that he doesn't know how he feels about me and wants time on his own. We are due to go on holiday a week on saturday with my family and I don't know what he intends to do.
he moved into the spare bedroom last night.
I am desperate to save our relationship for the sake of the children and cannot belive this is happening.
Anyone got any tips on dealing with this?

I know i should try to get used to the idea that I might end up on my own but I can't bear the thought of it. I don't think I will be able to cope. I also feel embarrassed that I have not been able to keep him happy and wonder what people will think when he leaves. I know that what other people think is not important but I can't help it. I also feel bad for my children and the fact that they will be growing up in a broken home. I can't bear the thought of them having to go to stay with him and be away from me particularly if he is with the other woman. 3 weeks ago we moved away from my family and friends into a house that he was going to do up and so I will be left away from my comfort zone in a house I cannot aford on my own and which is in quite a state! Great!

as it stands you are both trying though, aren't you?
Do you have another Relate session before the holiday?
If so it might be good to make a point of discussing his relationbship with this girl, so that the councellor can make some suggestions, and maybe make him realise that it cant just keep going on - as friends or not... Just a thought.

He's really set you up hasn't he? Making a move (and it sounds like his idea) whilst all the while dallying with another woman and having little fantasies about leaving his family. What a rotten thing to do to you and your daughters. It sounds like he wanted to weaken your position in order to cause maximum damage (not saying he's doing this consciously but it's certainly the way things have turned out).

I think you need to start taking control Layla. I know it's an awful, awful situation but he is basically torturing you. The fact he has done this before to you rather than it just being a one-off brainstorm does not look good. Do you really want a man who is prepared to hurt you in this way when he feels like it?

Layla17, I do think your partner is having a major wobble at this time. New house, needs doing up, young family, sick child, you away from friends and family, its SO much STRESS!!!! Do you think that he has been affected by your younger childs birth and maybe he has been left drained with worry?

IMO, I think you should tell him A.S.A.P about the pregnancy during a relate session because as one poster said, he might find out at a later date. The councillor can mediate and guide the session and this is too much for you to deal with on your own.

You have got to think about youself a bit more now and like other posters have said, take care of yourself, mentally and physically.

You say that you cannot cope without him, what facts do you base this on?

From how I see it,you are:
strong enough to get through this last year not knowing if your child is brain damaged

strong enough to move away from friends and family

strong enough to take on a house that needs major work

strong enough to contemplate dealing with this pregnancy on your own(just for now?)

Strong enough to share your problems with complete strangers/mners.

Come on kid, you can do this.

Sounds to me that even if he is having a wobble being the way that he is towards you and everything with this other woman is just his way if running away from responsibility. i just feel that like most men he wants his cake and eating it, he is being very very selfish.

Dont let him control you this way I completely understand that the mere though if you beig on your own is frightening but look at what this is doing to you. It woudlnt be easy but you would be free from that. I know this is easier said than done but there comes time when you have to stand up for yourself.. I know all too well.

I agree taht you need to come clean about the pg it wont help keeping this to yourself it is going to have to come out eventually. Either way if things stay the way they are I guess you really will have some decsions to make...

"just like most men he wants his cake and eating it"

not so helpful I think to start man-bashing here.

Layla remember no-one here will be able to be 100% objective for your situation. We're all coloured by what's happened to us. Don't make any quick decisions. Talk things through a lot, get to the root of the problems (by yourselves or with relate) take care of yourself and surround yourself with support. Then eventually you will know what the right thing to do is.

Thanks guys. All you advice helps. It is just good to talk to people.
this morning he was chatty and saying he can't wait to finish this job on Friday and have a weeks holiday - so of course I get my hopes up.
As the day goes on I think more and more about the texts between them where he had said somethiing like 'i have done what you asked and left the most important people in my life, now please take me seriously and stop saying that we cannot be together' and I get angry that I have not thrown him out.
THen I get home again and think that we had such a great life and were so happy and my girls need us to try and he has just become infatuated with someone who 'needs' him and is making herself unobtainable to attract him more.
tHen i get angry with myself for being so naive and stupid.
I suppose I just want things to go back to how they were and I feel as if I must try to make it work as there are more important people involved now but belive me, if we can make it work then he will have to change and make it up to me.
i am going to keep the pg a secret until after the holiday as I think it would only muddy the waters. I do not want him to stay with me because of the baby and also do not want him to think that it is all getting more scary and run away. Wonder what his bron again christian friend would think if she knew another baby was involved

Did he really say that to her?

If that is what he has said to her, I'm sorry sweetheart, but I really do think he is going to go.

If only because he is behaving like a child who has been told he cant have a toy/climb over that wall etc.

He'll risk anything, just to prove that he is entitled. He might well decide that she isnt for him after all.

But where does that leave you in all of this anyway?

The very BEST you can do, is start taking care of yourself. Putting yourself and your children first. He is chasing the woman with "high morals" (ha!), so if you are ever going to compete - if thats what you want to do, you are going to have to back away, stop looking like you are needy (i know you arent, but i'm hoping you can see what I mean), and show that you dont need him. But perhaps could want him......

He is having his cake and eating it - stress or no stress - depression or no depression. You've been through it too.

Layla17 I've read your thread and I can see you are having a horrible time. Would you mind if I add my bit as an outsider, if you want him back I would stop any behaviour that indicates you are upset. I would stop letting him think that the power/decision is in his hands and begin to let him think that actually this is a joint decision. Perhaps coming from the point of view that you don't know if you want to be in a relationship with someone who would do this to his partner and children. That the holiday and next few weeks are a time for both of you to decide how to progress.

Clearly part of the hold this other woman has on him comes from the fact that she's unobtainable - well don't make yourself so obtainable. If he doesn't come on holiday with you or you give him more space it doesn't sound like she's going to do anything with him.

He needs to be reminded what it is about you that he loves, it's hard to do this if you are being needy or trying too hard.

I know it's playing games, but if you really want him it may be what's necessary. Alternatively you may find that you don't need him as much as you thought - that's what happened to me.

Layla, I feel for you so much, he can't dick you around like this, what you said about that txt is just too much. I think you should ask him to go away so you have time and space to think for yourself, he is being completely selfish and very hurtful. I would tell him NOT to come on holiday but go yourself. He needs to know you are seriously in pain BUT can get on with things without him. If you can bear it that is, it's always easier to be objective, sorry, not what you want to hear I'm sure. do Not worry about her, he does not have a life and children and a history with her. She is nothing compared to you.

does he know you saw that text Layla? Because it is a bit rich of this born again nut and him to try to reassure you they are only friends when words like that have been exchanged between them. How dare they be so disingenuous. Something that should be discussed in Relate if possible. Try to get yourself in a good place mentally and emotionally, not dependent on what he does. And just don't make any snap decisions right now. I really think you should wait for Relate before you do any of those. for you though, you really shouldn't be put through any of this.

He does know I saw the text and he said he was just rembling late one night and it was not how he feels. he tells me that they are just friends but with everything we are going through he was confusing things
He is now being really positive about the holiday and talking about a contract he has been offered up to Xmas which is just round the corner from where we live so will be really handy. If i didn't know there was something wrong then (apart from sleeping in separate rooms) I would not suspect there was anything wrong!

Layla if he really means that he didnt mean it, and that he wants to make a go of things with you or not but not go to her he really REALLY needs to make it up to you.

Because behaving like that - confused or not - whilst you are sharing your life with someone is out of order.

He needs to know and understand that. This shouldnt be your problem to run around trying to fix as such. (Yes, if you want thins to work you have to work towards that together, of course you do). But he has done a wrong thing and he doesnt seem to have acknowledged that yet.

And here you are, feeling like you need to make up ground to make it better. It's not right.

He has been really nice all week and chatting about the holiday. I started to feel insecure yesterday (had a hospital appointment with my youngest daughter which is alwasy hard) and decdde I was going to tell him to leave Last night everything was quite pleasant but this morning I told him I was not happy about staying in separate bedrooms and he sadi he wanted to stay like that until he sorted his head out I confronted him once again about the other woman and he said he had not meant what was in the texts and he did not want to be with her. He said one minute he wants us to work it out and the next minute he wants to go. I got really angry and said I could not live like that. is said it was nice that he had the option to leave - I didn't. what should I do. I desperately want it to work but cannot go on like this. Should I tell him not to come on the holiday or should I just do it and then do the RElate thing when we get back? Help

Nobody can tell you what to do Layla, but this is the time for your self-preservation to kick in. He is calling all the shots and those shots suit him, not you, not his family (and think how astonishingly selfish it is for him to put the mother of his children through this). He's not looking after you or the kids so you need to do it.

See if you can take back some control whatever form that takes.

He is looking after himself because he needs to have a good relationship and a good life. Layla this is the most horrible time but there were problems in the relationship that you both contributed to and as he was the one who brought it to a head he is now the bad guy (also he's not handling it so well) and maybe he's relieved it's all out in the open so that makes him relax which is why he seems happier.

You've all had so much stress. He is not a bad person, I'm sure of it. If at all possible, you need to see that this situation will be resolved, Relate is the best way to do this and maybe if you can agree together to wait until after the holiday to start dealing with it (vent to a friend)

But you will feel awful just now. Thinking of you

And you will both be in two minds just now. You don't know whether it can work so how can you think anything different. I think he's being honest with what he says to you. But you can get over this and trust him again. And you will know what to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

have you told him about the pregnancy???
i think you should try to grab back some of the authority in this relationship.if he wants to be with you then he severes all contact with her, if he doesnt know then he should just fuck off as you are done with being dicked about.he is acting like a wanker, and seriously if i was in your shoes i would go to her church on a bloody sunday and shout out to all of the clergy that she is a dirty little conniving homewrecker that takes pleasure of dicking about with peoples lives.

Ah

I still maintain that if he doesn't know he should be given the chance to explore until he does know.....

All good advice thanks. So is the general consensus that I should let him come on holiday and see how it goes?
Don't want to tell him about the pregnancy because I don't want that to cloud things.
tHe other woman has just lost her brother and he says that he is like a substitute. he finishes work with her tomorrow. He said he needs space from me and her but not his kids I think he needs a reality check as if he leaves he will only see the kids once a week or so and I am not having them coming into contact with her - he told me she was part of a cult only a few weeks ago.

i totally disagree you should not put your life on hold until he decides he does in fact want to be wit hyou instead instead of the whore bag.but it is your life and you have to make the decisions at the end of the day, just dont build yourself up and then end up flat on your face hun

I think he needs to NOT go away with you.

That will give him the time and space he needs to clear his head.

I really do think you should ask him to go and stay with his parents/a friend or something as this is so terribly confusing for you.

He wants space away from everyone except his children? He needs a reality check is what he needs.

Acknowledge that you have both played a part in where you are both at now, but that it is unfair to be under your feet and yet expect you to keep out of his way.

And if he comes away with you - you will be on tenterhooks the whole time, trying to keep him happy.

It is supposed to be a holiday - that means for you as well as the children. He shouldnt be there.