I asked him if he loves me more than he ever loved his ex wife

[mongwyn]

And he replied don't ask me things like that ...

I can't get it out of my head . Am I being unreasonable asking about this ? I know I'm insecure but it's making me so unhappy

Christ why would you ask that! How can he possibly answer, he loved her then he loves you now. It’s not a competition

Why on earth would you ask this?!

Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. He loved her, he loves you. It’s different. It’s not a competition. This is like when someone overweight asks their partner to tell them honestly if they’re overweight then gets upset when they say yes.

It’s the kind of thing a 14 year old would ask their first crush to ‘test’ them. An ex once asked me if they were the best sex I’d ever had - they weren’t. At first I deflected saying ‘why does it matter, I’m with you now and we enjoy sex’ but he KEPT pushing and eventually I told him truthfully that no, he wasn’t. Of course he didn’t like it but he asked!

This is your issues with your insecurity. If you can’t deal with the fact your partner loved someone before you then maybe you’re not ready for a relationship.

You're being unreasonable to ask that. You're torturing yourself and you can't put the genie back in the bottle once you ask a question like that. And I think his response was the correct one.

Not the best question to ask.

No good can come of asking a question like that. It’s to his credit that he can acknowledge that he once loved her without fobbing you off with a “Naaah, of course not, Baby” type answer. For whatever reason, he doesn’t love her anymore. He loves you now, focus on that.

Asking that is setting yourself up for heartache. How can he answer that?
Ignorance is bliss.

Love cant be compared..you love people for entirely different reasons..why on earth would you ask this and expect any other response than the one you got

Yes, you're being completely unreasonable. It's a ridiculous question to ask.

You say you're insecure, so presumably you wouldn't have believed him anyway even if he'd said yes?

I have never asked that to my partner. He had a 14 year relationship before me and I assume he loved her and loves me.

Why would you ask this? He was married to his ex wife, clearly he loved her a lot in order to have married her. I think his answer was probably the best you could reasonably expect, to be fair to him.

Why ask him that?

You are simply making yourself unhappy.

That's an unreasonable thing to ask. I hope you have an opportunity to get help with your insecurity.

What a stupid thing to ask.

Seems a ridiculous thing to ask, even if he said yes he would seem an arsehole. He obviously loved her before, it's not a competition and often relationships aren't directly comparable anyway; the important thing is whether he loves you now and treats you well. If he brought it up out of the blue then that's not ideal, but why ask it?

So insecure...so sad

In all my relationships, including my current (and hopefully final) one, it has genuinely never, ever occurred to me to ask this question. And I've never had a partner who asked me either.

I can't imagine what someone would hope to get out of asking that!

Possibly the most stupid question you could have asked him! Your insecurity will drive him away.

If he's a widower then a question like that would have devastated him.

You were unreasonable to ask him that. What did you hope he'd say? Be careful your insecurity doesn't push him away.
In my experience, I've loved people in different ways. Eg my first husband I loved with a youthful passion. Which fizzled out. I love my now husband with deepness and content-ness. I feel safe and secure with him, I feel his equal.

I don't think there is a sliding scale for love.

@Gazelda

You were unreasonable to ask him that. What did you hope he'd say? Be careful your insecurity doesn't push him away. In my experience, I've loved people in different ways. Eg my first husband I loved with a youthful passion. Which fizzled out. I love my now husband with deepness and content-ness. I feel safe and secure with him, I feel his equal. I don't think there is a sliding scale for love.

Completely agree with this.. my first love I was so in love with and haven’t felt like that about anyone since. I was 18 and it was totally codependent! My current partner I love in a totally different, much deeper and more secure way. This was a crazy thing to ask.

Honestly, reading that made me wince.

Oh good god, that seems quite insensitive. Most people's marriages end very sadly, very stressfully, and full of mixed emotions and feelings of grief.

Having to do a 'love scale' is really not appropriate.

What a horrible question to ask! I’d have reacted the same way