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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I asked him if he loves me more than he ever loved his ex wife

158 replies

mongwyn · 06/08/2020 13:55

And he replied don't ask me things like that ...

I can't get it out of my head . Am I being unreasonable asking about this ? I know I'm insecure but it's making me so unhappy

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 06/08/2020 18:39

@Flappergasted

When you are young, you believe yourself to be in love more than you actually are.
Indeed. But relatively few people marry as infatuated teenagers these days.
Flappergasted · 06/08/2020 18:44

True. But some of us are in our 60's.

WelshMoth · 06/08/2020 19:01

I say this as gently as possible but questions like that are going to drive people away from you. You need to work on your self-esteem And not look to others to boost you.

Love is unique, cannot be measured and asking someone to give you quantities is going to end badly. In the case of ex's, it's doubly harmful. Like it or not, the people we love have a past, in the same way that we have pasts. Let it go. Some stuff is consigned you history and there it should stay. Don't dredge old feelings up.

Crystal87 · 06/08/2020 19:44

That relationship never worked out for whatever reason so really he should love you more. Even if at one point he felt stronger for her than he does for you, you are his wife now and he should be making sure that you know you are loved beyond doubt, so of course the answer he gave would upset you. If he's a widower that's different as he would have had no choice to not be with her anymore.

chockybicky · 06/08/2020 20:03

I loved my first husband for 13 years and he was exactly the right man for me at the time and we made fond memories which made my past.

We divorced as we grew apart and weren't compatible as we got older but I've re-married and I'v been very happy now with someone for almost as long who's a perfect match for me now.

People will say my first marriage failed or didn't work but it did and for 13 years it did. It won't now though because we are both completely different now.
So I loved my first husband then and I love my second husband now which has worked out perfectly as I have changed considerably over the years and so has my exh who has now married someone who suits his lifestyle now.

DianaT1969 · 06/08/2020 20:29

Why stop there OP? Ask him if he thinks you are fat. That always goes well. Ask him if he had a choice between you and his favourite (porn) actress for a night, who would he choose? You could do this forever.

Bananabread8 · 06/08/2020 20:31

He is right. Don’t ask him in future.

Original poster
mongwyn · 07/08/2020 12:02

I know I should never have asked the question . Bit now it's all I can think of and I want to ask it again but I know that's a huge mistake Sad

OP posts:
ravenmum · 07/08/2020 12:06

What are you afraid of? That he doesn't love you very much? What makes you feel that way?

AskingforaBaskin · 07/08/2020 12:13

Don't ask again. Either the answer will en the same or you plan to manipulate him into saying what you want to hear.

If you can't live with this then that's your answer.

sonjadog · 07/08/2020 12:15

You need to work this out not by re-asking this question but by tackling whatever feelings make you want to ask it. It is a silly question that is impossible to answer. Love can't be measured by a ruler or a set of scales or something than can say if it is more or less than anything else. The answer to this lies in you working on whatever makes you want to ask this and that is something that you have to find out on your own. You will drive him away with these questions if you continue.

Hopoindown31 · 07/08/2020 12:36

Yep, I agree with others. That is a shitty question to ask. The turmoil it has caused you should be evidence enough of that.

ladykuga · 07/08/2020 12:37

Oh God I hate people who do this. What is wrong with you? What if he gave you an answer you didn't like, what then? Why bring all that angst into your life for no reason? I hope he was thoroughly pissed off at you for putting him on the spot like that. No good EVER comes of those sorts of questions. Be like Elsa and let it go!

HaudMaDug · 07/08/2020 12:37

Ask him again and you'll be single by teatime. Neediness is not an attractive look.

JizzPigeon22 · 07/08/2020 12:42

You need to work on yourself to stop being so needy and insecure. It’s unfair and selfish to be in relationship with people when you’re like that. You suck all the happiness out of them.

chopc · 07/08/2020 12:46

Hang on - don't most of you love your DH's more than you ever loved anyone else? So it's a fair question I think if she feels she needs that reassurance from him

I have only been married once so my DH and I are secure in the knowledge that we chose each other. So whoever we loved before is irrelevant. However, if it's second time round, why isn't it a valid answer?

chopc · 07/08/2020 12:48

Sorry should have said valid question?

FourPlasticRings · 07/08/2020 12:53

Hang on - don't most of you love your DH's more than you ever loved anyone else?

In a romantic sense, yes. But then again, I've only ever been married once.

So it's a fair question I think if she feels she needs that reassurance from him

Well, not really. Imagine if your current marriage ended, for whatever reason. And eventually you found someone else, who you also loved, but they wanted you to tell them if you loved them more than you'd ever loved your previous husband. Can you see that that might be hard to quantify? Or that even if you loved them the same amount, what would matter is the current relationship, rather than the one in the past?

Drumple · 07/08/2020 13:02

I love my DP more then I love my ex. Because he’s an ex.

But when I married my ex I loved him more than anyone.

Then I had my kids and I love them more than either the ex or DP.

I love my dog most of all. Even my children know this. 😁

It’s not a hierarchy or a competition. You sounds insecure and unhappy. 💐

upupandaway87 · 07/08/2020 13:14

Oh god this is the thought that I probably would have if my partner had an ex wife or a long term ex girlfriend. Knowing me I would probably ask that question and it's never a good out come . Is he doing anything that makes you think he still loves her ? Or have they not long seperated ? It is a different kind of move that I have for my larger than I did my ex I don't even remember loving him anymore but obviously I did . He loved her and now he loves you 😊 xxx

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 13:15

I'm pretty sure my bf loved his ex more than he does me. They were young, it was an exciting time in his life, she was his first proper gf, he was in a new town with a new job and felt youthful and studlike :)
Now he's in his 50s, faded and jaded :) - he's a lovely attentive, thoughtful bf but I don't expect him to love me more passionately than he did her.

Mongwyn, are you married?

Msonamission · 07/08/2020 13:16

@mongwyn

I know I should never have asked the question . Bit now it's all I can think of and I want to ask it again but I know that's a huge mistake Sad
Can I ask why you want to ask that question?

Might it be because you want to be totally adored by this man, so that he always puts you first, always has your back, loves everything about you, says you're the most beautiful woman in the world, buys you gifts, that kinda thing?

Brazenhussy0 · 07/08/2020 13:20

Why do you feel you need an answer to that question, OP? What’s making you feel insecure?

He would have loved his ex when they were together. That is obvious. For whatever reason, they are no longer together and he is now with you and loves you. How he felt in the past is completely irrelevant to how he feels in the present.
Unless you feel his ex is a current threat to your relationship, there is no reason to even be considering how much or little he loved her - it has no affect on his present love for you.

Brazenhussy0 · 07/08/2020 13:21

no effect* not affect. Autocorrect forever making me look thick 🙄

Lweji · 07/08/2020 13:23

What's your story with him?
Married?
How long together?
Who initiated the divorce? Why?

He married her, so he must at least have had strong feelings towards her.

The best thing is never to make such comparisons.
He may not even be able to answer.

Are you feeling insecure of his feelings, for different reasons?

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