I asked him if he loves me more than he ever loved his ex wife

[mongwyn]

And he replied don't ask me things like that ...

I can't get it out of my head . Am I being unreasonable asking about this ? I know I'm insecure but it's making me so unhappy

Fucking hell. No you don’t need to apologise.

He split up with her and he’s with you - presumably on the premise that you are lifelong partners and each other’s deepest and most intimate relationship? And he couldn’t say that he loves you more?!

He was cruel. Did you ask because he’s given you reason to feel insecure?

How is it cruel? He didn't say "I loved her more"; he refused to answer a question that involved placing women's love on a scale as if they were prize potatoes.

Why would you ask that? What a strange thing to ask! I think you need help for your insecurity urgently

Just don't ask. I admit I'm tempted too but it is simply not fair. Accept that it's a different part of life rather than comparing is how I deal with stuff

Raven mum. Daft question. If she hadn't been grim to him he'd maybe have liked/loved her more or enough to stay. He didn't. Hence he's divorced from her.

@AtrociousCircumstance and @Flappergasted I think you've missed an important point in the OP. OP asked if he loved her more than he ever loved his ex wife, not more than he loves her currently. So, she's asking him to compare how he feels about her to how he felt about his ex wife at the peak of his love for his ex wife. He probably does love his new partner more now, but that's not the question she asked him.

@mongwyn

And he replied don't ask me things like that ...

I can't get it out of my head . Am I being unreasonable asking about this ? I know I'm insecure but it's making me so unhappy

Don't ever ask a question that you may not like the answer to if you won't cope with it.

No. I totally understand. I love my husband far more than I ever lived the previous one and it's mutual.

Why would you ask that?!
You deserve to feel like crap after that.

But I completely agree that one should only ask a question with which you can cope with the answer!!

Yes YABU. You sound quite immature to be honest. Sounds like something I’d have asked my boyfriend as a teenager

Retrospective questions such as this are very emotive and just set you up for a fall. To be honest it's a persons tomorrows you should focus on not their yesterdays.

@Flappergasted

No. I totally understand. I love my husband far more than I ever lived the previous one and it's mutual.

I don't doubt it, but this is about the OP's DP. Your reply to Ravenmum gave the impression that you were considering current, rather than historic, feelings:

If she hadn't been grim to him he'd maybe have liked/loved her more or enough to stay. He didn't. Hence he's divorced from her.

• My point is that it's not an issue of how he feels now he's divorced from her, but how he felt about her in the good times.

While I agree with others that it was a foolish question to ask, I do get your feelings. To be quite honest I don't think I'd have been able to cope with my partner having been married before if it wasn't plain as day that they were a terrible match and he didn't really have any positive feelings about it. I understand that many people will feel that way about their ex spouse but the relationship wouldn't be for me.

You must be feeling shit, I would have a long think about whether you are happy being in a relationship with someone that was married before.

Sofa... That's essentially how I feel.

Utterly stupid thing to ask, I'd have answered the same thing he did.

I think it was his way of putting boundaries in place. He probably doesn’t want you bringing up his ex wife as there’s a lot of emotion there (good and bad) that he doesn’t want dragged out and justified to you. He was married to the woman after all.

To be quite honest I don't think I'd have been able to cope with my partner having been married before if it wasn't plain as day that they were a terrible match and he didn't really have any positive feelings about it.

Unless it was a forced marriage to begin with, it's unlikely that were no positive feelings about it. Otherwise they'd have never gotten married, surely?

When someone is relentlessly cuntish to you for years, it's amazing how quickly any positive feelings disappear.

@Flappergasted

When someone is relentlessly cuntish to you for years, it's amazing how quickly any positive feelings disappear.

Indeed. But, if you once loved them, that fact doesn't change even if you subsequently decide you loathe them.

When you are young, you believe yourself to be in love more than you actually are.

@Flappergasted

He had a controlling and bordering on abusive marriage that ended badly. He and her were miserable for a very long time.

So it's not quite the accolade you think it is? Sorry, but your posts are cringy in the extreme.

True. But it does mean I can get away with being just slightly less abusive.

@FourPlasticRings my partner grew up around people that all married very young and basically to the first person they dated, that was his norm. He had some serious mental health issues at the time he got together with his ex. It's not at all hard to imagine some people marrying in the wrong circumstances with very little positivity.

You can't quantify love imo, first flushes of love in any relationship is something else but the longterm is something comfortable(or however you would describe it). Each relationship has it's own merits and can't be compared to the last.