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Original poster

I asked him if he loves me more than he ever loved his ex wife

158 replies

mongwyn · 06/08/2020 13:55

And he replied don't ask me things like that ...

I can't get it out of my head . Am I being unreasonable asking about this ? I know I'm insecure but it's making me so unhappy

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 07/08/2020 13:29

Op
Are you worried that he STILL loves her.

That information would be good to know.

Dontletitbeyou · 07/08/2020 13:39

You asked the question a first time . You didn’t get the answer you wanted , it caused you deep anxiety and insecurity . Now you want to ask again . Am I missing something here ?
One of the most attractive qualities in a person , is self confidence and independence . It draws people in . Asking questions such as this makes you appear needy and insecure . I’m not saying you are , just how it would most likely appear to him .
Work on yourself , do whatever you need to do ,that would help raise your self esteem .
This is your issue , and you are responsible for dealing with it . Most people wouldn’t like to be asked a question like this , it’s like backing them into a corner to tell you what you want to hear .
So no , if I was you , 100%, I would NOT ask him again

Dogssox · 07/08/2020 13:40

They are not together anymore so their love is in the past. He may have learnt a thing or 2 in that time and won't necessarily express his love in the same way but the fact is he loves you now.

IceCreamSummer20 · 07/08/2020 13:42

Don’t ask again. The point is, whatever his sentimental feelings are, he is not with her is he? He’s with you.

My Ex definetly respected his ex more than me, and maybe loved her more - even though he told me I was miles better than her. I’d be more inclined to think someone who didn’t want to answer was more trustworthy than my Ex!

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/08/2020 13:49

OP you were supposed to get married this week. Did that happen?

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 07/08/2020 14:16

I spent a decade with my ex. She wasn’t just my love, she was my best friend. And then she cheated on me and I discovered much of the person I thought I loved had been a lie.

I hope I’ll love again. I’m sure if I do the person will be far better for me and the love will be more real. I will certainly love them more there and then.

But if they asked me had I ever loved my ex more... how am I supposed to answer that?! I did love her. I learned she wasn’t worth it. But I still loved her, I can’t lie.

It’s not how much he loved, it’s how worthy he thinks she is of that love now - and how worthy he thinks you are. By that measure, you obviously come out ahead.

Bunnymumy · 07/08/2020 14:24

What would it matter even if he did love her 'more' ar one time or another?
So what? It isnt relevant. All that matters is that he doesnt love her that way now. And does to some extent, love you.

Has he bern bringing her up a lot? Comparing you? Making her sound like the one that got away? (Or similar narcissistic triangulation) Because THEN you have a problem. As it implies he wants you to be insecure.

But asking him what you did was bang out if order. It reminds me of the Great Gatsby when he cant stand that she ever loved anyone before him because that taints his... ownership of her.

CoopsMalloops · 07/08/2020 14:26

Woo the mn vipers are out today!

It’s not an unreasonable question to ask yourself if for some reason you are feeling insecure in your marriage, which you clearly are.

He was being honest wasn’t he, he can’t answer but it wouldn’t have hurt him to say “you, obviously”

What has bought the thought up for you to feel that you wanted to know?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/08/2020 14:27

Why on earth would you want to ask again? Are you going to keep asking until he says yes to keep you happy or stop you asking?

Are you worried that he doesn't live you as much? Or do you just want him to love you more?

Honeyroar · 07/08/2020 14:32

How long have you been together? It takes a while for love to grow so it might not yet be at the level it was at its peak with her. Do you really think he still loves her? Having said that my husband tells me he loves me much more than his first wife. We’ve been together years longer than they were and through a lot more life experiences than they did.

Musicaltheatremum · 07/08/2020 14:34

My partner has been married (divorced 14 years) and has had one other longer term relationship since as far as I'm aware. He told me during the first year of our relationship that he hadn't been as happy as this for a very long time. I know he was referring to the other long term relationship. But it ended, things went wrong, and now he loves me. I could be jealous and insecure but I'm a widow so what must he feel as I never fell out of love even when I became a carer.
Try and sort out your insecurities or they will eat away at you.

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 07/08/2020 15:07

@CoopsMalloops It wouldn’t have hurt him to say “you obviously”

So you think, if it was me with a future partner, I should lie then?!

I think it’s far more healthy to have a partner who doesn’t just glibly throw out a lie to keep the peace. It’d be like being married to Boris Johnson - how on Earth would you know if they were serious about something or telling you just what you wanted to hear?

But that’s just me. Maybe I’m just weird 🤷‍♂️

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 15:10

I'm surprised that people see so differently on this subject. Didn't realise people would prefer to be lied to. But it's been very interesting reading the different views.

Dery · 07/08/2020 15:14

@mongwyn I'm with the majority in thinking that it is an unreasonable and inappropriate question to ask and you would do yourself no favours by asking it again. That said, most of us have said and done unreasonable and inappropriate things in our time - I know I have.

It's not a competition. He's with you now. And I think his answer was actually a very healthy and honest one. He must have loved his wife very much at one time - he married her - and they presumably have a considerable shared history. It would be a worrying sign if he could just shrug that all off and it's a worrying sign that you are picking at him for having her in his past. That doesn't mean you will never be more special to him but you can't rush these things. And you could drive him away by asking him questions like the one you just asked.

The bottom line is there are no guarantees. He could say he loved you way more than he loves her and still decide at some point in the future that he longer wants to be with you. Or you could decide that you no longer want to be with him.

For me the question is really whether your insecurity is coming from you or whether he is treating you in ways designed to make you feel insecure. Is he generally attentive, kind, loving and respectful? Does he make significant time for you in his life? Does he publicly acknowledge you as his partner? Does he do what he says he's going to do when he says he'll do it? When not with you, are you generally aware of who he's with and what they're doing together? No-one's perfect but it he's generally ticking those boxes, then it sounds like things are going well.

If he's not, however, then you may want to re-assess whether he's the right partner for you.

Dery · 07/08/2020 15:15

... decide that he no longer wants to be with you...

sausagefest9 · 07/08/2020 15:20

My guess would be that you aren't married.

You aren't hitting the milestones of your relationship as quickly as you'd like to be so it's making you more insecure thinking he isn't as into as he was his ex.

Perhaps you aren't living together/it took longer than you like to move in together

You aren't yet engaged or perhaps not talking marriage and kids.... despite you wanting these things he isn't ready or isn't wanting those things in this relationship.

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 15:31

Sounds from an old post as if they got married on Tuesday?

backseatcookers · 07/08/2020 15:35

@mongwyn

If you've read the responses on this thread and your reaction is that you want to ask him again then you're either a sucker for punishment or very immature. Or a combination.

He can't win. If he says yes this time you'll think he's just saying it to please you, or that he lied last time, or be angry he could t just say yes last time.

If he says again that he's not answering you'll be angry again.

If he says no you'll be angry and upset and insecure.

No good can come of this. So is the relationship not great already and you subconsciously know that or is it a good relationship that you're sabotaging for another reason?

workhomesleeprepeat · 07/08/2020 15:36

Urgh jesus, if he yes he loves you more, you won't believe him - and you'll keep crying. If he says he loved his ex more, you will believe him, and you'll keep crying.

I think you just want to be upset and miserable. Happiness doesn't come a clonk you on the head one day, you have to work at creating it for yourself.

workhomesleeprepeat · 07/08/2020 15:37

^says he loves you more, fat fingers

backseatcookers · 07/08/2020 15:37

@ravenmum

Sounds from an old post as if they got married on Tuesday?
Oh god I think you're right. If you're asking questions like that during your first week of marriage OP then I actually think it's pretty nasty of you as you're spoiling what should be a lovely time for you together by asking immature questions and bringing up his past to sabotage your future. Poor bloke.
FourPlasticRings · 07/08/2020 15:37

He was being honest wasn’t he, he can’t answer but it wouldn’t have hurt him to say “you, obviously”

Well, it would hurt, yes, because it'd be a lie. And it sets rather a poor precedent if he were to start telling her what she wants to hear rather than the truth.

Crankley · 07/08/2020 17:26

@mongwyn

I know I should never have asked the question . Bit now it's all I can think of and I want to ask it again but I know that's a huge mistake Sad
I was going to say, if you do, it could end your relationship. Now I've just read that you were married two days ago. What on earthed possessed you. Were you drunk?
Pebblexox · 07/08/2020 17:50

Are you married op?
I can't begin to fathom where that question came from, unless there are other underlying issues in your relationship?
My dh (never married before) had one significant ex before me, and I have never felt the need to ask him if he loved her more than me. I know he loved her dearly when they were together, I'd be naive to think otherwise given their relationship. However they didn't work out, and I've no doubt he loves me dearly. I've no way of knowing if the love is comparable, but I honestly don't care. We're happy, in love and creating a life together. That's all that should matter.
Focus on your relationship with him, not his relationship with a past woman.

CoopsMalloops · 07/08/2020 18:44

I’d hope that you wouldn’t have to lie. @TossACoinToYerWitcher
I’m also hoping OP’s DH wouldn’t be lying by doing the same. Maybe he’s just not one for comparing levels of love, him saying “you obviously” doesn’t need to be a lie does it.

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