I asked him if he loves me more than he ever loved his ex wife

[mongwyn]

And he replied don't ask me things like that ...

I can't get it out of my head . Am I being unreasonable asking about this ? I know I'm insecure but it's making me so unhappy

He loved her then, he loves you now. He could lie but they never works.

I think it's sad that you need to ask, maybe go for some counselling, you'll put him off being so needy.

It's a question born of insecurity and therefore unless the respondent doesn't answer exactly correctly then it can only lead to more upset.

We don't know how the previous relationship ended - death, divorce, abandonment- and how that would impact his response.

Shouldn't be asked, shouldn't need to be asked.

I have no doubt that you can be happier with one person than with another. I'm just surprised people are willing to compare the level of their love, as if it is a simple scale.

In any case, just because you loved your ex more than your current husband, that doesn't mean this poor man did too. Maybe he loved his ex deeply. What's he meant to say? Sorry, I loved her more? Oh, about the same? Maybe he is loyal to his ex or doesn't think much of ranking wives in order?

What an awful question to ask.

@ravenmum Yes, I was married for 27 years and OH was married for 25 years, it is still not a question I would ever ask or expect to be asked.

Are you suspecting he still has romantic feelings for her?

Maybe I just have too poor a memory to even imagine being able to compare 😂 I was so pissed off with my ex when we broke up that I can hardly remember ever feeling otherwise!

Gosh that's so weird. Of course we asked each other this question! Why would you not?

Because it's totally bizarre?

Are you one of those people who think insecurity makes you interesting and has their boyfriend running round to 'look after' them?

how cringeworthy, what a pathetic thing to ask.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

I wouldn't ask my bf this, but we have talked about our various exes (both in our 50s), and from what I've gathered over the years I would say that his deepest relationship was his first long-term girlfriend. She's lots of fun, and I have told my bf that she should really break up with her current partner and get back with him, as it would clearly be a better match for her. But he hasn't taken my advice :)

@Flappergasted What would you have thought if he had said he loved you plenty, but loved his ex more?

Oh crikey OP, that's up there with 'does my bum look big to you' on the questions-you-shouldn't-ask-a-man-who-loves-you front.

He loved his wife when he loved her, for whatever reason she's now an ex and he's with you. Be honest, is he the big love of your life or have you also loved before?

He had a controlling and bordering on abusive marriage that ended badly. He and her were miserable for a very long time.

Plus it's about respect, compatibility aswell as love.

You should be pleased he refused to engage in your need for pointless empty reassurance, it shows he's not into bullshitting you just to get you to shut up!

But if you have to ask a question like that in order to feel generally secure, then maybe this relationship isn't working out.

I feel sorry for you @mongwyn for the way you feel and how hard it must be to read some of these quite frankly cruel and unthinking posts.

Talk to him about your insecurity but also look into therapy to work out why you feel as you do.

A decent man doesn't want an insecure partner, he wants an equal and solid one.

It wasnt a question I ever asked but my dh has told me how he never felt so much love for another woman, he never wanted to marry anyone else he was with before, I am his first and only wife.
I also feel the same for him, its just how I feel I guess, my exes were true dickheads though so I guess thats why its so easy for me to scale my love for dh.

Stupid question. I love my exh. Never stopped loving him as family and friend and co parent of our son. The love changed to platonic love. When we were together he was my world. Now my current OH is my world.

It wasn’t a good question to ask but I would feel sad if my dh answered like that. Everyone would want their dh to say they love you more than any ex. I’m sure he must love you very much as he is now married to you. Hold on to that.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. I have also asked similar questions which in your head only have one answer and when you don't get it you're hurt. I didn't even learn after the first time I asked - I asked again in a different way. If I'm totally honest I would rather my DP lied!

@Flappergasted What if he hadn't been in an abusive relationship? What if he'd loved her more?

You need to go to your husband and apologise for asking such an inappropriate, insensitive, and ridiculous question. You basically set him up to fail, and are now blaming him for your own insecurities.