My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

[Gemlouiski]

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

He lives an hour away from his parents already. Adding 20 minutes to that is nothing

That's not what I'm bemused by, it's the attitude that a man who is clearly close to and uses the support of his parents is a cunt for doing so, a manchild for giving them the time of day, and a spineless coward who is dominated by his mother.

Yet another raging double-standard on a site full of them.

The point is that an extra 20 minutes isn’t going to stop him having the support of his parents. Nor would it stop his mother being the granny she wanted to be.

He’s a dick because he thinks he and his parents are far more important than the OP, her two kids, their unborn baby and the OP’s family

I think there's red flags everywhere here, and you've had a lucky escape.

I'd be getting rid of him and terminating the pregnancy so I had no ties, but at least get rid of him.

Expecting YOU to uproot 2 children and move them away from their school, childcare, friends, activities and father. Expecting YOU to give up your childcare and home and add in a tiring commute.

Doesn't want to give up or change anything himself.

Expects YOU to pay all the household bills and utilities and food and childcare, he'll pay the mortgage, so when it all eventually breaks up, he can prove only he paid the mortgage, thereby keeping ALL the money.

Seriously, lukcy escape for you. You'd be mad to agree to any of this. He is centreing himself completely.

You need to centre yourself and your children. He can fit in around you.

OP this is such a vile despicable man.
Firstly if he is willing to terminate his own child, then your boys meant very little to him! For that alone you need to leave him.
Then running to mummy and daddy over everything?? Pathetic manchild.
Well he has truly revealed himself.

Yes but as a mother to 2 children already and possibly a 3rd , the OP support system is more important right now.
He will not be in a vulnerable position like she would be with a newborn and in a new place. It is completely different for women. Men have much more options and it is naive to think otherwise

Of course, but none of that merits the abuse and the terms aimed at him simply because he discusses things with his parents.

I've been in a situation with a partner similar to OP's. Just because most people make decisions entirely aside from their parents doesn't mean it's the norm for everybody. There's no way a woman who relies exclusively on her parents for support would be subjected to the degree of vitriol and incredulity OP's partner is. Yes, his behaviour regarding OP's pregnancy is horrendous, but he's being slated repeatedly in this thread simply for daring to have discussed his situation with his mother and step-father. It's disgusting.

but he's being slated repeatedly in this thread simply for daring to have discussed his situation with his mother and step-father. It's disgusting.

Dont be utterly ridiculous. Didnt sound like a fair balanced discussion to me. He went ballistic on OP. He demanded this and demanded that and said his parents said things like 'final straw'.
It sounds nothing like how you are interpreting it.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

*Yes but as a mother to 2 children already and possibly a 3rd , the OP support system is more important right now. He will not be in a vulnerable position like she would be with a newborn and in a new place. It is completely different for women. Men have much more options and it is naive to think otherwise*

Of course, but none of that merits the abuse and the terms aimed at him simply because he discusses things with his parents.

I've been in a situation with a partner similar to OP's. Just because most people make decisions entirely aside from their parents doesn't mean it's the norm for everybody. There's no way a woman who relies exclusively on her parents for support would be subjected to the degree of vitriol and incredulity OP's partner is. Yes, his behaviour regarding OP's pregnancy is horrendous, but he's being slated repeatedly in this thread simply for daring to have discussed his situation with his mother and step-father. It's disgusting.

I wasnt slating him for that so I don't know why you are quoting me. I said his support will still be there and that it is different for women.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him discussing things with his parents, I still do that too. I also completely with him in not wanting to buy a house for someone who can’t contribute. I wouldn’t do that either.

However, he’s been massively immature and has behaved like a kid. You could still have a baby and he could still be a father living apart. Lots of people manage to co parent.

@JizzPigeon22

@JizzPigeon22

@MistressMounthaven

Oh jeeze, really????? He got her pregnant for ffs What rape? I thought it was someone's contraceptive failure.

He got her pregnant as in he had sex with her knowing that could be an outcome as no contraceptive is 100%. No one mentioned rape so don't be so dramatic.

I’m so sorry for you, OP. What a horrible position to find yourself in.
I suggest you show him this thread. You’re not being unreasonable at all and if he can’t see that then you’re better off without him.
The pregnancy decision needs to be yours alone. It’s a hard one and only you know what is best for you, but don’t rely on him for anything as it doesn’t sound like he can be depended on. Either way, it will be ok in the end. Good luck

He’s a dick because he thinks he and his parents are far more important than the OP, her two kids, their unborn baby and the OP’s family

Perhaps you're correct, but I think it's clear it's more to do with money. I know how people like this think. He's had it drummed into him since he was small that he has to look out for himself financially, and now he's in a situation where he's facing putting 100K into a shared home with someone who has next to nothing by comparison. I've been there, seen it, got the T-shirt.

If you can live with someone who thinks like that then it can work. There's nothing about it that necessitates them being an abuser or a horrendous human being, but as I've already said, it's always going to be at the back of your mind that they prioritise their own financial security above all else. I would never consider having children with someone who thought like that, and in my opinion it's clear OP has a choice to make. I was simply trying to lay it bare about what she faces even if she does decide to continue with her pregnancy and somehow comes to some sort of arrangement to live with her partner in a familial home.

YANBU OP. If he wanted to ring fence his deposit, that's perfectly possible and a straightforward. He's not dealt with this in an adult way at all, and for that alone he'd be history. I feel for you in your situation with the pregnancy.

I would caution against relying on inheritance - I'm an only child and my family are comfortable. Or were. One parent died, the other is going into a care home (at the age of 92) and the property is being sold for the fees. There may well be nothing left. I'm 56, even if I was going to inherit, that's late in life. Fortunately I am settled already!

Dont be utterly ridiculous. Didnt sound like a fair balanced discussion to me. He went ballistic on OP. He demanded this and demanded that and said his parents said things like 'final straw'.
It sounds nothing like how you are interpreting it

It's not about the discussion he had with OP.

There are plenty of examples of him being called a 'manchild' etc simply because he's obviously still very much in the thrall of his parents.

It's not about 'how I'm interpreting it', this point is about black and white posts inside this thread. Try RTFT

@LookItsMeAgain

I am not hoping to salvage a life with him no. Seeking opinions was just for my own sake. To gain others perspectives. There are a few more people coming forward showing more consideration towards his side the further into this thread I get it seems.

Quite frankly, he’s a disgrace.

You’ve protected your boys (quite rightly) and been a bloody good mother.

As for the rest of it, if it was me, I’d never speak to him again and terminate the pregnancy. It’s the only way you’ll ever be free of him. What an absolute joke of a man he is.

Even with all the extra info about your bit of money and not having a house to sell, it still makes sense for him to move to your town. I agree that he’s freaked out and is now looking for a way to sabotage it somehow. Or ask you to do so thing he knows you won’t agree to. It’s only 45 mins away. Not much of a move for him but a big deal for your kids.

The parents being discussed is all a red herring to how he is treating you and your children's needs.
The fact he is not phased by uprooting your children is massive and very telling.
A supportive man would include them every step of the way.

You are not be unreasonable and in your circumstance I would sadly terminate

[quote Gemlouiski]@LookItsMeAgain

I am not hoping to salvage a life with him no. Seeking opinions was just for my own sake. To gain others perspectives. There are a few more people coming forward showing more consideration towards his side the further into this thread I get it seems.[/quote]
But i say it again but you know it already.
It really doesn't matter does it? Because your children are always , always priority before a new mans needs.

And OP loves her DCs over everything Yeah, thats called being a mum.

OP he is not a man and hes been playing you.

I honestly don't know why some people see men not taking responsibility for their actions as a virtue.

he can legally ringfence his deposit.

My DP inherited a large sum of money, and bought our first home. He ringfenced his deposit. We split all household expenses 50/50. Therefore he has his deposit ringfenced, and all other equity in the house is owned 50/50 by us.

I absolutely don't condone how he's spoken to you or behaved, but I wonder whether you suggesting this would change things. It sounds like he's been spooked (spurred on by his parents) and has overreacted. You need a rational, level headed conversation.

So you've been together 18 months and in January you were posting the same dilemma, with the exceptions that you weren't pregnant and weren't living together. At that point, you knew that he didn't want to marry you before moving in together, and didn't want to move to your area. Presumably, you thought things might change when you were living together and now are pregnant?

I can't see how, when you knew all that you've told us back in January, you can expect anything different? He had already told you where he stood on the matter.

Read that quite quickly so hope I did t miss anything, but imo you have not been unreasonable, and he is being unreasonable.

Furthermore the dumping, and above all the suggestion/demand to terminate is callous.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

He's put you in a very difficult position. If you did as he asked, you would be incredibly vulnerable if he decided to walk out (which men often do as they can't cope with the newborn stage). You also need to prioritize your existing children's stability... They need to come first.

So YANBU. You also now have the difficult decision to make of whether to abort or cope as a single mum of 3 . It sucks. I would probably abort.