My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

[Gemlouiski]

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

@Gemlouiski the only hing you would be unreasonable to do, would be to fail to protect your financial interest in moving with this guy, not only for you, but for your children’s future. He has told you who he is, believe him!!!
The pregnancy, only you can decide if you can face a termination, or you rather have the baby and see how involved he’ll be... I don’t know what I would do...

@Gemlouiski -> He went ballistic at this. He accused me of hiding money from him. Lying to him. Trying to stash away my money for me and my children and not offering to help sooner - run. He is an abusive asshole. Run and make your own decisions about your life.

He is not nice. He does not care about you. He wants to please mummy with a grandchild and he will treat you and your boys like trash.

The only good thing you can do is leave, now. Block him and get rid. As for the pregnancy, that is entirely up to you. I see your point in terminating, and frankly at least nothing will tie you to that idiot in thew future, as it would be a lot of pain for you and your boys. But in the same way if you keep the baby, you can make some arrangements and sure make things work. Totally up to you and no matter what decision you make, it will be the right one.

But LEAVE THE BASTARD and never look back.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

I'm baffled at the hostility regarding his relationship with his parents. For some people they literally are the only source of support they have.

Posters on this site talk constantly about their relationships with their mums, how they share everything, how the mum is a rock etc, yet as soon as a man turns to his own parents or discusses anything serious with them, he's a 'shit/manchild/cunt' etc.

He lives an hour away from his parents already. Adding 20 minutes to that is nothing

*He went ballistic at this. He accused me of hiding money from him. Lying to him. Trying to stash away my money for me and my children and not offering to help sooner.... he said he could no longer trust me because of this....as he was so mad I hadnt reminded him and offered the money sooner when he was 'giving up everything'

He and his parents agreed this was the final unacceptable example of me being selfish and unwilling to compromise.... after me being stubborn and blinkered about moving to his area.*

He is a controlling abuser. Get out

@Isthisit22 thank you for your reply...

Everyone who has agreed thay I havent been unrasonable has been echoing the sentiment I already felt and the one I stood by fiercely that has ultimately caused the breakdown of our relationship. I suppose I reply to the people with alternative views because I am open to hearing the opposing opinions. I perhaps worry far to much about being fair. I have no doubt I will do what I feel is best by my children. Nobody will ever make me falter on that. I just want to know in my heart I've been fair by listening to both sides. I dont do well when I have guilt on my conscience. I like to apologise when I am wrong. And it seems an overwhelming majority feel that I am not. Which is comforting.

And tell his parents to fuck off.
Hes a selfish little prick.
Put YOU and YOUR CHILDREN first and stop letting this abuser manipulate you

I'll also add...he admitted he was petrified of moving. After his previous failed relationships he was frightened to uproot his whole life and leave his comfort zone incase it all came crashing down.

Petrified of moving? Tell him to grow up, man up and grow some balls!!
What about you being petrified of uprooting your children?!
Hes a horrible selfish twat and im baffled as to why you are tolerating this.
My ex gave me a similar spiel about previous relationships and when i finally spoke to his "psycho ex" i found out he ruined her life and she was so supportive when i was leaving him.

Please never marry this man if ever he gets over himself. Have a legal agreement that what's yours is yours and what his is his. I bet as soon as you look like you'll inherit something he'll be all diamond rings.

The only opinion he sees is his families I think. And his own. I wish someone would tell him I've not been as awful and selfish as he thinks. He wont seek opinions from any of his friends.... I suspect because he is deep down scared of what they may say. He always just insists he has his parents to turn to for support and 'that's all he needs'

I am so grateful to everyone who has commented.

How disgusting - he is not compromising AT ALL, he is expecting you to go along with his plans and if you don't you are dumped.
He is vile and controlling, you are far better off well out of this relationship.

I suspect because he is deep down scared of what they may say. He always just insists he has his parents to turn to for support and 'that's all he needs'

Trust me, he isnt scared. He is a manipulating bully. And all he needs are his parents is sounding more and more Norman Bates. The reason they are all he needs is because they are enabling his abusive behaviour & no one else would stand for it. Surely that speaks volumes.
Please please please stop making excuses for him!!!! Your lifelong happiness and that of your children's is at stake!
The fact that he went ballistic at you having some savings made my blood run cold. He wants you trapped with no safety net.
In an ideal world, ALL people in relationships should have a small safety net to fall back on should the shit hit the fan and i would strongly question the motives of someone discouraging this!

How much has he contributed while he's been living with you in lockdown? How have you negotiated finances up to now? Who's paid for meals out, day trips, holidays? How have you managed difference before? Have you avoiding discussing anything with him to avoid unpleasantness?

No you are not unreasonable, you have not overlooked his needs. Your reasons are valid. He doesnt care about the wellbeing of you, your kids, or even of his own child.

I know it doesnt feel like it but getting rid of this man is a bullet dodged. What a horrible selfish tool he is. You do not want or need this in your life. Re the pregnancy, do what you feel, but eventually you'll be glad you got rid of this awful, selfish, immature man.

Honestly I would be put out by a man who can’t take his own decisions and has to go back to mummy and addy who tell him what to do.
Esp when it comes to deciding who he is going to live with and where.

Just in that he is unreasonable.

Re the little bit of money you have. I personally don’t think that’s the issue. It sound s’more like his parents don’t want him to move and have stroke his fears up into deciding that staying with you wasn’t a good idea and that YOU were the unreasonable one (because you don’t want to uproot your dcs, yourself, give you job, basically give up absolutely all you have so he can stay next to mummy and daddy).

In your shoes I would have refused to move too, not the least because he is taking very little risk by living with you in the house you currently live in whereas you would have risked everything by moving into his

He lives an hour away from his parents already. Adding 20 minutes to that is nothing

That's not what I'm bemused by, it's the attitude that a man who is clearly close to and uses the support of his parents is a cunt for doing so, a manchild for giving them the time of day, and a spineless coward who is dominated by his mother.

Yet another raging double-standard on a site full of them.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach

I suspect because he is deep down scared of what they may say. He always just insists he has his parents to turn to for support and 'that's all he needs'

Trust me, he isnt scared. He is a manipulating bully. And all he needs are his parents is sounding more and more Norman Bates. The reason they are all he needs is because they are enabling his abusive behaviour & no one else would stand for it. Surely that speaks volumes.
Please please please stop making excuses for him!!!! Your lifelong happiness and that of your children's is at stake!
The fact that he went ballistic at you having some savings made my blood run cold. He wants you trapped with no safety net.
In an ideal world, ALL people in relationships should have a small safety net to fall back on should the shit hit the fan and i would strongly question the motives of someone discouraging this!

THIS. He is trying to take anything away that makes you strong without him. He will chip away at this. The move is to get you in a vulnerable position.

He loves his money more than he loves you or the baby. Everything else is just bollocks he's using to deflect from that
And OP loves her DCs over everything - not a great scenario for the DP, second to everything in OPs life, plus he has to pay toward an unplanned baby he doesn't want. I feel sorry for him.

Honestly I would be put out by a man who can’t take his own decisions and has to go back to mummy and addy who tell him what to do

But it's fine for the OP to come on here asking random strangers what she should do

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

He lives an hour away from his parents already. Adding 20 minutes to that is nothing

That's not what I'm bemused by, it's the attitude that a man who is clearly close to and uses the support of his parents is a cunt for doing so, a manchild for giving them the time of day, and a spineless coward who is dominated by his mother.

Yet another raging double-standard on a site full of them.

Yes but as a mother to 2 children already and possibly a 3rd , the OP support system is more important right now. He will not be in a vulnerable position like she would be with a newborn and in a new place. It is completely different for women. Men have much more options and it is naive to think otherwise.

@MistressMounthaven

He loves his money more than he loves you or the baby. Everything else is just bollocks he's using to deflect from that And OP loves her DCs over everything - not a great scenario for the DP, second to everything in OPs life, plus he has to pay toward an unplanned baby he doesn't want. I feel sorry for him.

Oh jeeze, really????? He got her pregnant for ffs

How long have you been together?

There are plenty of single women without children he could shack up with. No one forced him to date a woman with 2 kids.

Are folk just ignoring the fact that the OP and her partner were at the point of bidding on houses and THEN the OP revealed her savings?

Appears to be the case, since that opens the partner up to accusations of 'wanting you trapped with no safety net'.

Again OP, it's obvious this was just an oversight on your part, but I can understand why anyone would be confused and angry at getting that far down the line towards a home purchase without complete transparency.

I'd like to add my tuppence to this. All of your posts @Gemlouiski are written as though you are still planning a life with this man. I don't know if you are still planning a life with him or not (as it's not clear whether you have ended things with him or not) but I would hope not.
I have no idea whether you're going to progress with the pregnancy but if you do you will be tied to this man and his family forever. Please bear that in mind, even if you don't go ahead with the relationship.

Oh jeeze, really????? He got her pregnant for ffs
What rape? I thought it was someone's contraceptive failure.