My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

[Gemlouiski]

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

he admitted he was petrified of moving. After his previous failed relationships he was frightened to uproot his whole life and leave his comfort zone incase it all came crashing down.

So he didn't want to uproot his whole life (moving house).

But he expected the three of you to uproot your whole lives (moving house, and changing job, and moving schools).

Selfish, hypocritical and utterly unreasonable. (Him, not you.)

You aren't unreasonable at all. When my dp and I discussed moving in together I basically said I was not going to leave my house or hometown as me and dd were settled here. I was not flexible at all, and he accepted it because he wanted to be with me. Tbh I think you have dodged a bullet. You are right to put your boys security and schooling and your future as a priority. Well done on that. Only you can decide what to do with the pregnancy.

Why are his parents so OVERLY involved?!

Do you want to be with a man who consults his mummy - and his step-dad? FFS - about life decisions.
And his mum would have her grandchild aborted because the travelling time doesn't suit her?
You're faced with a very sad decision. I hope that eventually you''ll meet a man who doesn't need his mittens on a string round his neck so he doesn't lose him. And if you decide to go it alone, I think your baby will do just do just fine without a relationship with its grandma!

Anyone else wondered why his previous relationships failed....

@Didkdt - Nope. I think we’ve got this one sussed

YANBU. In your situation, I'd terminate.
It's so hard with a baby and especially on your own. Would the childcare you have now also be suitable for a baby.
His Mother sounds like a nightmare, she'd be forever interfering.
I think you may have dodged a bullet.
Hope it all works out for you.

I don’t think he should be pushing for an abortion. For that he’s very wrong.

As for everything else, if the roles were reversed, there would be very different opinions on here.

Look at it this way. A woman was here saying her dp, and his two children, is insisting she sells her home, close to her parents who she is very close with, and move to his town. She will be putting her house on the market and getting a mortgage with him which she will mostly be contributing to. So not only is she selling her house and moving to another town, she’s also putting up nearly all the money. Then she finds out her dp has hidden some money which he’s only declared weeks after the fact. Her parents have reservations and have made them known to her. She’s going to end up paying all of the mortgage with her dp only paying bills and council tax. So she’s supporting him, his 2 dc and any dc they have together.

Everyone here would be telling her not to do it.

I don’t think he’s gone about it the right way at all, I’m not defending him. You’re pregnant now so he does need to man up on that front. You can’t really blame him for having reservations though. His parents may be overly involved but he’s obviously close to them and values their opinion. That won’t change and tbh I would feel the same as them, if it were my child.

As for the termination, thing long and hard about what YOU want to do. It’s no one else’s decision.

Yanbu in the slightest.

Can you imagine how awful it would be in a relationship with this man when his parents have such a huge influence over him and his decisions. It would only get worse when a grandchild was in the mix. It would be awful. I think you've had a lucky escape

In your shoes I would terminate the pregnancy, but that's my opinion, you do what's best for you.

You're not married. If his big concern was to protect his investment in the new house, in case the relationship breaks down, you could have bought it as tenants in common, so he would own most of it. Some co-operation would be required to sell but, in the end, neither of you would be worse off than you are now.

Or, did you consider renting in your area? He could have let out his house and rented with you. That would be the more normal 'see how it works out' route.

I realise the pregnancy has jumped things forward and you were leaping straight inot 'settled family' mode.

In the end, I think if he'd really wanted that with you, he'd have done it. He's got cold feet and realised he doesn't actually want that relationship with you. So now he wants to use an abortion as 'post-conception contraception'. He doesn't want a family with you. If he did, the timing would be a shock but a happy accident. As it is, it's proved to him, suddenly, that you are not the one for him.

And I think if the sexes were reversed, you'd see an awful lot of 'you knew he had two resident children, who would and should always come first. You knew what you were getting into', here.

@Malaya

I don’t think he should be pushing for an abortion. For that he’s very wrong.

As for everything else, if the roles were reversed, there would be very different opinions on here.

Look at it this way. A woman was here saying her dp, and his two children, is insisting she sells her home, close to her parents who she is very close with, and move to his town. She will be putting her house on the market and getting a mortgage with him which she will mostly be contributing to. So not only is she selling her house and moving to another town, she’s also putting up nearly all the money. Then she finds out her dp has hidden some money which he’s only declared weeks after the fact. Her parents have reservations and have made them known to her. She’s going to end up paying all of the mortgage with her dp only paying bills and council tax. So she’s supporting him, his 2 dc and any dc they have together.

Everyone here would be telling her not to do it.

I don’t think he’s gone about it the right way at all, I’m not defending him. You’re pregnant now so he does need to man up on that front. You can’t really blame him for having reservations though. His parents may be overly involved but he’s obviously close to them and values their opinion. That won’t change and tbh I would feel the same as them, if it were my child.

As for the termination, thing long and hard about what YOU want to do. It’s no one else’s decision.

Thing is- 1, she's pregnant so is in more vulnerable position now. This is not the same for a man. 2, if it was a man with 2 children and she was asking him to uproot them because of a house it would still be the same, the children will still come first and she would not be the woman for him.

The house and his parents is not really the main issue, it is how he is treating her, especially under stress. This would only get worse if she moved and was home with a newborn, away from her support, childcare, and 2 children been take away from their secure life. He would have all the power and she would be completely stuck.

It really is not the same for a man.

And, I think if you were a man, with two resident children (and somehow, carrying this pregnancy) and had made such serious efforts as you have, to make things work; even looking at schools in your partner's town... people would be falling over themselves to express their admiration.

I don't actually believe that many men would do that.

The very idea that you, a mere woman, could be selfish enough to compel such a move, for the sake of avoiding a 20 minute increase in driving time to your not-so-nearby parents' house... you'd be crucified.

@lottiegarbanzo

And I think if the sexes were reversed, you'd see an awful lot of 'you knew he had two resident children, who would and should always come first. You knew what you were getting into', here.

Yes exactly. There are plenty of single people without kids you could get involved with instead.

The existing children did not choose this. They are relying on their resident parent to care for them the best they can. Moving them away from their security and settled place at school for a man who is behaving like this towards their mother is not being a caring parent. It is a no brainer. You don't do it.
She is responsible for their 2 lives before his.

This man is actually saying if he doesn't get his own way, you should abort the baby.
And he's actually dumped you rather than find a compromise.
Hideous. There's no coming back from that, is there?
Sorry you've been left in such an awful position. You can only do what works for you and your children.

This isn't about the money or the right or wrong of who should move etc. It's his reaction and the way he has gone about communicating and dealing with this. I would RUN a fucking mile from this man OP. Personally I would terminate as you will be forever linked to someone who I couldn't respect let alone co parent with. I would be very careful that you don't end up trying to 'fix' this situation. You sound reasonable and please think of your existing two children who will be forever affected by this decision and man in their lives if you choose to continue. He doesn't sound like he has a healthy family dynamic and that will only affect you all.

You are in the right most definitely.
I have been in a similar position, made my now husband move to my area so my son would not have to move schools, and I was renting and he paid all the deposit. I dug my heels in and he grumbled but my son's welfare was non negotiable and my husband respected that stance as he knows kids come first. Now he is a great step dad and dad.
This guy sounds too selfish to be a great step dad or dad.

Perfectly reasonable not to want your DC to move schools, after the problems one of them had at a past school, and that he's already moved schools once.

You have to prioritize your DC, which you've done. Well done.

I think the piece I find extremely distasteful is that he wants you to terminate so that he won't feel he's a 'bad dad'

All about him, nothing about you or the baby, or life with you, him and the baby, just so that he can still feel like he's a good guy.

So basically, he just doesn’t want to leave mummy and daddy!

Get out of there as soon as possible! This guy will make your life and your kids life miserable in the long run.....

What an arse...

Yes, he's a dreamer who wants the perfect fairytale life, with a fairytale wife.

He really shouldn't have gone for a woman with children, in the first place.

He could have taken more rigorous steps to avoid pregnancy, so being the 'bad dad' he fears. But no, that would be tedious, mundane and responsible. He's not a detail person, he's all about the big picture. The dream. You can mop up the details for him.

Your OP, particularly the involvement of some rather toxic-sounding parents, reminded me of the Rob and Helen saga in The Archers. (In that case, he wanted a woman with a child, because it proved her fertility but was only interested in his own son. He was a damaged, manipulative monster though. Yours is unlikely to be bad on the same scale; few are).

You are totally right in your actions! Your life works perfectly for you and your family. Now the unexpected pregnancy has changed everything. He is probably having massive doubts probably about the enormity of the situation and possibly feeling quite scared about losing his home and current lifestyle. You now have to make the very difficult decision whether to solo parent 3 children or have the termination. Once the shock passes you may be able to find some way forward but for now the relationship looks like it is too damaged to repair.

Look at how hard you are trying to understand him op. He is not putting any of that work into understand you or what would work for your kids. There is literally no reason holding him to his location except being closer to mummy and daddy, who are so devastated at the idea of a grandchild being an extra half hour away so they wouldn’t be able to be the active grandparents they dreamed of that they would rather support son in pushing for aborting said grandchild.
Dodged a bullet really, so much selfishness.

Only you can decide what to do about the baby. It isn’t clear from the thread what you really feel. But I’d send him one last text - no matter what I decide re our child, you are already the bad dad you are so afraid of being. It’s also pretty clear you are crappy dad material the way you decided my children going to a good school or even the same school was completely unnecessary if it inconvenienced you a little. (Let’s face it a single man moving house with work unaffected to be close to his family - that’s only a tiny inconvenience)

I can see how it looks to his parents.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

Whether you have a termination is up to you. Your body, your choice. But I wouldn't want to be tied to this man and his family for the next 18 plus years.