My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

[Gemlouiski]

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

Absolutely not being unreasonable. And I say that as someone who always tries to see both sides of the story. No advice I'm afraid as only you can decide what is best for you now, but I personally wouldn't be wanting to continue a relationship with a man who behaved like that.

WTF is he playing at. Personally given everything you've described, I'd terminate if I were you.

Still not unreasonable - why would his mothers desire to see his child trump your childrens need for childcare, school places and for you to have a job.

Wants to be a hands on dgm but choosing to push for it's termination? Strange woman.
In your shoes I would keep the baby and tell him you aborted.

So his mummy and daddy are essentially making the same decisions for their (man)child as you are making for your actual children? They (and by extension he) are completely in the wrong.

This relationship is over. Even if he has an about-turn I wouldn’t ever consider going back.

What you do about the baby is your choice, although I would think about whether you want this man in your life for the next eighteen years when he starts deciding he wants a relationship with this child after all and mummy and daddy start to tell you to play nicely.

Oh so he’s a mummies boy who runs for her skirts when things get hairy

You’re better off without him. You don’t have to terminate if you don’t want to. If you don’t, get CSA from him whether he wants to contribute or not

He did tell me he will support me whatever choice I make. But his father left him when he was a child. ... and his worst fear is being a bad dad or worse... being a part time one. He never wants to have a child with a woman he isnt with. So he has been very crystal clear thay he wants me to terminate.

I'd terminate both him and the pregnancy. And get some solid birth control and then double up with condoms so there are no more unexpected pregnancies by someone whom you haven't lived with or married.

In your shoes I would keep the baby and tell him you aborted. no that is awful advice. If you have the baby then at some point that baby will want to know about his/her father, and it potentially finding out it’s mother had told the father they’d been aborted is likely to lead to all manner of issues.

You are obviously a gold-digger who tried to trap Mummy's Little Prince.

YANBU

Well he should have thought about that when he dumped you, shouldn't he?

If he was so convinced about not wanting to risk a pregnancy outside a relationship, then why wasn't he using cast iron contraception?

Yet another case of a weak-willed idiot who likes to revise history to suit himself after the fact, yet take zero responsibility for his choices and actions.

In your shoes I would terminate because there's no way I'd want to be shackled to him and his bloody parents for the next 21 years.

She has wanted grandchildren for so long and apparently wants to be very hands on
Well then... why don't they move closer?
You have a whole family to thing about.
If they want you to be closer to them, then they move.
This is a no-brainer in my mind!

No you have in no way been an asshole. They sound completely unreasonable and seem to have ganged up on you to try and bully you. I guess now you need to think about whether you want this man and his mother to be tied to you for the next 18 years. There’s no question clearly you’ll give in and uproot your children just for his mum and her grandparental ‘needs’. That he’s rolled over like this and gone as far as to dump you shows what will happen for all big family decisions if you stick with him - whatever suits his mother.

No one can tell you what to do now with regards to this pregnancy but you are definitely DEFINITELY not the asshole. You’ve done nothing wrong and actually you’re acting like a responsible and loving mum to your existing two. If they can’t see that there’s something up with them not you.

Do you have family support?

Yanbu. If you don’t want to abort then don’t.

his mum was also upset about the prospect of being and hour and 20 minutes away from her first and only grandchild as she wouldnt be as 'involved' as she would like. She has wanted grandchildren for so long and apparently wants to be very hands on.

So she wants to be a grandma so bad but would rather the child be terminated if she can't be as hands-on as she would like.

...felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted.

So just out of curiosity, what was his/their suggested 'compromise'? Not that I think it would negate the desire to keep your DC in their current school. As far as I'm concerned the needs of the children trump just about anything else when it comes to moving house.

At no stage have you been unreasonable in your reasons for staying in that town.

As he doesn't have children he cannot understand that schools just don't have places available just in case someone moves areas.

The same for childcare. This isn't just about the children though, this is about you and your job too.

He is completely ridiculous. Just because it seems like it is all compromises for him, doesn't mean it is a bad thing. There is only him to consider, for you there are 3 people currently to consider. Surely he can see that.

I don't know how you would salvage this. Does he have any friends he can talk to who aren't clouded like his Mum who feels he should be her beck and call?

Another question....how much of this have you heard directly from his parents? Could he be just saying they agree with him to try to put more pressure on you?

I can't believe that someone who desperately wants a grandchild would agree that you should terminate.

It doesn't matter what he wants. You must do what's right for you and your children.
I can't believe he would ruin the relationship and lose the opportunity to be a dad over moving 45 minutes away! What a loser. Shown his true colours hasn't he?

Why on earth would you even consider moving from where you are currently settled so perfectly? Why would someone who claimed to love you ask you to? Especially as it would mean HUGE disruption to you, when him moving to you would have minimal impact on him.

Your need to terminate him for sure. Whether you terminate your pregnancy depends on whether you could manage another babe without his support.

He's right about one thing, he's not the right man for you and has showed that fully by his actions and words.

Can you imagine planning a family with someone who has an established life schools, job, childcare, ex partner to co parent with, and expecting them to move lock stock and barrel because his mum doesn't want him to move.

You dodged a massive bullet. I'm sorry about the baby, he'd be a crap parent and she'd be a nightmare grandma.

Honestly in your situation, I'd have a termination. You and your boys can then draw a line and move on from this difficult situation.

I feel like I should also tell you guys... that while we did argue back and forth about this subject constantly... sometimes I did manage to make him realise my points. Sometimes he would say he did understand and he agreed it was best. But ultimately he still deep down didnt want to move. He got as far as putting his house in the market... for one day... and we viewed one house in my area which he actually liked and admitted he liked my home town quite a bit. However the very next day we argued again. I mentioned during a car journey that I had a little bit of money (a few grand) in my savings... that I would happily put towards any fees or add to a deposit if we needed more money. He went ballistic at this. He accused me of hiding money from him. Lying to him. Trying to stash away my money for me and my children and not offering to help sooner.... he said he could no longer trust me because of this....as he was so mad I hadnt reminded him and offered the money sooner when he was 'giving up everything'

He and his parents agreed this was the final unacceptable example of me being selfish and unwilling to compromise.... after me being stubborn and blinkered about moving to his area.

I was flabbergasted. I wanted to try and help nothing more. I had never intentionally hid money from him. Anyway... that was the arguement that broke the back of the issues....and was viewed as the 'final nail in my coffin' as his mum told me.

Sorry I didnt include this info in my original post. It's so much to explain in one go. But again... opinions needed on if I have been unreasonable here???