My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

[Gemlouiski]

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

Thr grandmother wouldn't be as involved as she would like so their conclusion is to have a termination!?
That's awful and not a good way of thinking imo.

You'll be fine. You've coped brilliantly and are obviously a great mum to your two, now three. You'll be fine with a new baby too. And better without him.

No one wants a man who runs back and tells his parents everything

Also I think you'll massively regret it if you terminate. Do your children know you're pregnant?
You say you have a great support structure, they'll welcome a baby.
And I bet your new job has maternity cover.

He clearly prioritises himself above you and the dc. This wouldn't change.

Be glad that you have realised now.

You'd have either been stuck with a man-child overly attached to his parents or someone who would expect everything to be his way and who would blame you when anything went wrong.

Honestly, you've dodged a HUGE bullet. Rereading your posts about him have only reinforced my opinion.

@Lougle

No. That was NOT the case at all.

We had many conversations since January on this subject. Back then I explored the option of moving at some point in the future as I explained earlier in the thread. However I found that school places would be a significant problem and decided after much thought it wouldnt be fair on my children or the right thing for any of us. After many talks he claimed to agree with me that yes moving was best. We decided before taking such a leap we should have a trial of living together and the situation ended up as it is. Evidently when faced with the serious prospect of having to move... he didnt agree as much as he had told me he did.

You aren’t unreasonable at all. You sound lovely. It your partner and his family sound like fuckwits.

Perhaps he thought you'd come around to his way of thinking once you were living together. Either way, his plan doesn't work for your children, and that's all you need to know.

Haven't RTFT, but his Ma sounds unhinged.

Make the right decision for you, and sod what he thinks. He's far too concerned with being a mummy's boy. An hour or two away is nothing (in fact, it sounds perfect because she sounds like an interfering hag who I wouldn't want to live near to, anyway).

I know it's tough, but the only consolation you have is because he's so in his mummy's pocket, he would have been a shit partner in the long term, anyway. She would have likely always came first. If you decide to keep baby, even if you co-parent, at least you won't have to deal with her personally for the rest of your life sticking her nose in where it isn't wanted.

Make the right decision for you, how you feel and your circumstances. He's a shitty person but none of this is your fault. Keep your head held high.

I don't think you're wrong in the slightest.

Sometimes big news/life changes are scary but his behaviour is still wildly unreasonable, even taking that into account.

I don't often say LTB, but good riddance on this one. He's shown his true colours in ditching a pregnant woman and telling her to terminate the baby. What a catch.....not.

So, forget about him. He's gone. The question is what to do now?

I had twins on my own. Never thought I'd manage it but had a supportive family which it sounds like you have too? I'll tell you now, having a baby on your own is fucking marvellous. Yes it's hard work but actually you can focus your whole attention on your child/ren without having to consider the needs of your partner/their wishes.

If you want a termination, that's absolutely fine. No shame in that at all. But don't do this because you feel there's no other choice.

If you want the baby, you will figure out a way - you already have arrangements in place. You could do this even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Will you see loser ex-partner again since you've split up? The chances of bumping into him?

Personally I'd not even tell him what decision I'd made. I'd not claim maintenance from him either. He wants a termination, so he forfeits his rights. If you choose to keep the baby bring the child up with zero input from him and your life - and that of your unborn baby - will be happier. I know I'll get criticised for this but fuck having such an awful human tied to you for the rest of your life.

I hope you're ok x

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

*Yes but as a mother to 2 children already and possibly a 3rd , the OP support system is more important right now. He will not be in a vulnerable position like she would be with a newborn and in a new place. It is completely different for women. Men have much more options and it is naive to think otherwise*

Of course, but none of that merits the abuse and the terms aimed at him simply because he discusses things with his parents.

I've been in a situation with a partner similar to OP's. Just because most people make decisions entirely aside from their parents doesn't mean it's the norm for everybody. There's no way a woman who relies exclusively on her parents for support would be subjected to the degree of vitriol and incredulity OP's partner is. Yes, his behaviour regarding OP's pregnancy is horrendous, but he's being slated repeatedly in this thread simply for daring to have discussed his situation with his mother and step-father. It's disgusting.

No one is saying that people should make decisions without discussing it with their parents. When I bought my first home I was only 24, so of course I spoke to my mum and dad about it. Same with my first car and any other big decisions I've had to make.

The issue is he's clearly spoken to his mum and step dad about it and been so influenced by their decision, he's happy to now force someone he's supposed to love into an abortion, and doesn't give two fucks about the two kids he's essentially helped raise for a number of years and how they would have been impacted by his ridiculous demands. If you get into a relationship with someone that has a child, you have to understand that they come first. If that's not for you, that's fine- date someone without kids.

You're intentionally being obtuse.

The deposit money was him getting desperate to find a reason to say no.
You say she's desperate for a baby, yet she's backed her son it this ridiculous stance. They have an unhealthy relationship.
You've done nothing wrong.

He’s being a bit of a dick. His parents probably got their back up cos he’s got someone pregnant and they don’t know anything about you? And as far as they can see, their son is being ‘told what to do and what’s happening’ IYKWIM. so they probably put pressure on him from their own point of view. Still doesn’t excuse him being a dick tho. If he walked out this soon it’s probably a blessing in disguise tbh.... even tho it doesn’t feel like it. At least when you have the baby you know he had more than enough money to pay his maintenance and then you can afford the extra childcare. 💐

Coming at this from another angle.

I think the parents could have a lot to do with this.

I think when it was just the 2 of you discussing this I got the impression he thought it was a great idea.

Unfortunately he discussed this with his parents and even though he is nearly 40 I think they see their little boy having the big white wedding and him walking back up the aisle with a young woman who doesn’t have a ready made family

In their eyes whilst he was going out with you/living with you he was just treading water. It didn’t matter

Buying with you I think has set off some major manipulation on their part as their dream was going to be shattered.
They had to break you up and unfortunately I think they wound him up so anything you said would have been seen as a reason to call everything off.

FWIW I think in time he will regret his decision.
At nearly 40 I know he isn’t up against any biological clock but the older he gets the older the women he dates will be and to find a woman who is nearish his age without children is going to get more and more difficult

I don’t actually think if you got to the bottom of this it was about money

This rang so many bells with me as I know someone who was akin to the son in this (he was in his 40s) and his parents did so much work dripping negativity on his choice of gf and on getting him to split with her because she had been married and had children. (Gold digger/you won’t know if any children she has will be yours type rhetoric)

They had in their minds eye the picture of the girl he would marry.
He is in his 70s now and lives a very solitary life. Never married, never went out with anyone ever again.

The reasons he has given and got enraged at are really petty

He said he didn’t want to have children with someone who he wasn’t living with.
But then leaves you pregnant.

That doesn’t even make sense

As you clarified that he was involved in looking at schools etc. & even though you had reservations as to whether it was in your children’s interests to do. You appear to have considered all the options - he appears to have got cold feet & an extra 20 minutes travel time has appeared to concern his Mum whose opinion & consultation he relies on.
I would say you have tried to consider everyone - he however only appears to be considering himself. As you say you are not looking for the relationship to continue, you need to work out the baby. And look after yourself & your children, with your job & your support network

Thank God you've found out his true colours now before you entangled finances I'd have an abortion op and move on with my life and block that loser

Omg what a horrible twat he is. You need to for whats best for you and your family. Even if he said sorry, I dont see how it could ever work now.

Please block his parents first and foremost, then block him.

Take time to decide what is right for you and your family. His opinion doesn't count, his parents opinions do not count.

Work out the logistics of having your baby and what support you have.

Be grateful he has shown his true colours before you bought a house!

Best of luck.

OP this has got more red flags than a communist barbecue

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but you’re well rid of this man and his family, honestly.

This manchild and his family is acting as though you ensnared him. Horrible. No one forced him to have sex with you. The moment his sperm entered your body, it became part of you. He is not a young man. He knows the facts of life. If he didn’t want to produce a child, he should have looked after his contraception better.

As for whether or not to keep the baby. Obviously you do need to do what is best for you and your existing dcs. My gut feeling would be not to tie yourself to this idiot and his parents. You really need a clean break from them. 18 years plus is a looooong time. Being that manipulative I would be concerned with them trying to turn your baby against you.

@Gemlouiski you're not being unreasonable AT ALL. Take some time to look after yourself during this distressing time and reach out for support. So sorry to hear he's treating you like this, it's not your fault at all. You have family around you, a job, and you can claim child maintenance from him. There are also charities helping pregnant women. Remember your joy when you found out you were pregnant. You can continue with this pregnancy and keep your baby

Given that he can't seem to make a single decision without running to mommy and daddy for input I think you're about to have a lucky escape.

Sorry you are going through this. Personally I would put my children first, not add another child to the mix in these circumstances, and find a guy who owns his own balls. You are not in the wrong here. But you can't have a relationship with someone this immature.

You have definitely dodged a bullet here op. Is he an only child? It may be that his DM and stepdad are banking on him looking after them if they need care or you for that matter. Have seen I a group that I am in a number of dil's who end up doing the bulk of care for their inlaws. Also the wanting to be this hands on GM. Well that could involve your DC being treated not as favourable as your joint DC. There have been numerous threads on here by women complaining of interference by over doting GM. Ignoring how you want to parent your child. Something to ponder.

I think making a decision to continue anything with this man is risking the future for your DC. At this very early stage when most people would be on their best behaviour, he places himself well above the needs of your children. That doesn't bode well and is likely to get far worse in my experience. It sounds like you have done so well for yourself and your DC for so long, it seems an unthinkable risk to upend that and let him mess things up for you all.

He led you on but more disappointingly he led your children, which is unforgivable.