My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

[Gemlouiski]

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

39*

@user1471457751

I am more than happy to sign any legal agreements protecting his invested money.

No, you are not being unreasonable - massively uproot 3 people losing jobs, childcare and schools, or uproot one selfish manchild who can literally pick up his life and put it in a different location with very little tangible impact (apart from the social aspects) There isn't really a choice to be made there

he earns alot more than me and would likely have paid the mortgage while I paid all the council tax/ utilities and food Bill's. At least that was the agreement we had talked about.

I don’t know how other people’s finances work out, but in my house, the utilities, food and council tax come to a lot more than my mortgage, and I don’t have a small mortgage!!

TBH it sounds like you dodged a bullet - all this angst about a couple of grand that you failed to declare is the tip of a nasty iceberg where he gets to be outraged that you’re not dancing to his tune.

YANBU to want stability for your DCs - I’ve been with DP for 8 years and we still don’t live together because we both have DCs and don’t want to disrupt them with homes and schools etc. The fact that your (now ex DP) works from home and only has his parents to worry about means that it makes so much more sense for him to move than for you.

You’ve already said you’d ring fence his deposit and if you’re not married (PLEASE don’t marry him if you stand to inherit a lot! If he’s not happy to share his £100k with you now, he doesn’t get to share your property inheritance later!) then you wouldn’t get half of the house if you split etc but you would need a fairer system than “he pays the mortgage, I pay x,y,z” because mortgage rates go up and down, food bills increase as kids grow up, utilities will be more in a bigger house etc.

Personally I couldn’t be with someone who’d told me I had to get a termination because he didn’t want to be a part time dad, even if he subsequently grovelled and apologised. He sounds like an A grade shit partner, and would no doubt make an A grade shit dad.

Sadly I think termination makes sense here - you don’t want to go it alone (and be tied to him for the next 20 years)

And am I reading it right? He lives an hour from his parents already?

So would be an hour and twenty minutes away if he moved?

All this angst over 20 minutes extra on the journey to grandmas?

I'm normally just a lurker...but I had to respond. He sounds like a total narc...and is gaslighting you - making you question yourself/your sanity, making you take the blame for things which are clearly not your problem. The way you talk reminds me of myself seven years ago, trying to survive being bullied by my narc ex and his parents. I'm divorcing him now. I have two beautiful children with him, but can never escape him. They only get worse. They are emotionally stunted and will never change. My advice is run... xx

Thank you so much everyone for your opinions. I really needed to hear from other unbiased parties. This was purely for my own sanity. I'm going to be fine and will always out my children first. I just like to be a fair and good person and I needed the reassurance that I hadnt failed at that.

he's an absolute twat, I wouldn't be sure he is telling the truth about his previous relationship - you can bety he'll be telling the next mug he lures in that you wrung him dry. What his parents think is irrelevant, and it is quite insane he is telling you - this is how far from 'normal' this manipulative abusive man has pulled you.
It is a very hard lesson but I would be very glad he has shown you who he is now. Imagine trying to raise a baby with his meddling mother involved who clearly thinks you aren't good enough. I'm so sorry OP.

I think once you've been a single parent, a single mum, and you know you can do stuff on your own and your children's needs are paramount, you become very strong.
It takes a special man to come into that, someone you want to share things with and add to that strength.
He's not adding, he wants to take things away to suit him.
Even without the added stress of your pregnancy, he got involved with a woman with kids and now wants you to uproot their secure schooling, home and because of what? His needs and his house?
That wouldn't be good enough.
Your kids were there before him. He should be considering their needs the same as you if you are a secure unit. Doesn't sound like you are.

Tbh I dont even care if the house is in his name. None of this is materialistic for me. I just want what's best for my children.

Sorry but this is really idiotic. You would be contributing to a house for 20 years + and have nothing to show for it if you're not married. That is not best for your children. Relying on inhering property is not an excuse.

It's up to you whether or not you get a termination. It will be his responsibility to provide a small (too small) amount of money. But is that what you want? Would a third child be good for you and your boys? That is what you need to think about .

I would be blocking this man completely out of my life, focus on what's best for my existing children, and terminate the pregnancy. I would not want to have to deal with any future contact with this man and his parents, and as a single mother also focus on progressing my career.

P.S., do not ever agree to sign anything that would give away your financial assets.

You are better off without this man and in time, you will be glad that you are not tied to him. Your instinct that you owe it to your boys to maintain their secure status quo was spot on.

He sounds un hinged
Lots of women manage 3 children,you could make it work if it’s what you want
Children wise I mean ,not the man child

I'm sorry you're going through this - my heart goes out to you. You most definitely are NOT being unreasonable.

His mum is trying to manipulate her son and he is listening.

You are not being unreasonable. It is a much bigger deal to move your children (which you were clear on) and to have to find childcare so you can work in a job which you like (also important). I am a single parent and I would not do it.

But even if he was being more reasonable, he could ring fence his investment and you yours legally, but there is no reason why you should not get half the equity in a shared house/mortgage once that investment had been taken into account. So don’t go signing away anything!

As regards the pregnancy, you do need to make the decision which is best for you and your existing children and only you know what that is.

You are totally reasonable to put your boys first.

He should understand that and as he doesnt that tells you all you need to know.

He is not right for you and the constant involvement of his parents is ridiculous at his age and frankly very offputting.

You are absolutely not unreasonable, and he is a complete twat. Who would expect a wan to give up her job, move her 2 children to different schools with all the hassle that entails, all so he's not 45 mins away from his mummy. They all sound like absolute idiots.

I can see where he is coming from in some regards

< runs for cover >

No, you're not being unreasonable. You've been honest from the outset that any blending of your lives would need to put your boys first and avoid uprooting them and destroying the infrastructure of your life. This is perfectly reasonable - and he was on board with it.

My suspicions:

a) he's a weak man who doesn't speak up for himself until it's too late, then lashes out unfairly having harboured resentment - that's not a pleasant trait to live with long-term, trust me

b) he has a poisonous mother who would have been an interfering, divisive pain in the fucking arse from day one, so you've dodged a bullet there as well

So I think you have to make your decisions on the basis of being a single parent. Is it really impossible?

OP - haven't read all the posts but wanted to say I am completely enraged for you. You are having a lucky escape. This man is truly ghastly. He will never make you happy now.
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I'm so sorry, OP. In the long run, it's a good thing you find this out before the baby is here. Because this man is no use.

The choice about the termination is one you'll have to make yourself - never an easy one. Sending you all best wishes.

@roundturnandtwohalfhitches

He loves his money more than he loves you or the baby. Everything else is just bollocks he's using to deflect from that. He sounds like a narc. His behaviour is selfish and atrocious but he's got you feeling sorry for him, questioning yourself, blowing up an issue over some money to make you look like the bad guy. If you haven't heard directly from his parents I'd question whether that's true or not. He may just be using them so not to take the blame for his own awful behaviour. Or they only have his side of the story which will be skewed to make him look like a saint and you a gold digger. I feel desperately sorry for you OP- he is an absolute arsehole who's making you question yourself and go round in circles looking for compromises when he was never going to do anything but what suited him. You are best rid of him. If he is a narc you are best out of it quick.

Exactly this. You are tying yourself in knots trying to find ways to see him as not a shit. But he is. You are trying so hard to see yourself as unreasonable eg only replying to those (few) posters who are trying to justify his terrible behaviour when you are absolutely not being unreasonable. This man wants you to abort his own baby because of where you both live? If you stay in a relationship with this man you will constantly be pandering to his unreasonable and frankly awful demands. Why on earth you are even engaging with what his mum thinks?? She should have 0 say in your relationship. Don't doubt yourself anymore and move forward with your children yourself. You can do it.