My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

[Gemlouiski]

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

@Gemlouiski

I would never take half of the house if we split up. Or any of his money. It didnt belong to me first and will always be his money. I'd happily sign anything legally binding to give him confidence in that. The joint mortgage was needed so we could achieve maximum budget. He is the main bread winner... he earns alot more than me and would likely have paid the mortgage while I paid all the council tax/ utilities and food Bill's. At least that was the agreement we had talked about.

You'd be a fool to agree to that frankly. Worst case scenario is you split up after years of you contributing as best you can, including no doubt doing the bulk of the childcare, and yet you leave with nothing. I know in your mind you think it sounds fair but the whole point of serious relationships is sharing resources and committing to each other.

He sounds like a relationship disaster waiting to happen and you seem far too worried about being fair or pleasing him. That's a recipe for getting played for a mug. Tell him to fuck off back to mummy.

He has indeed said it's too much too soon and he is struggling to cope with it all.

Hes spooked. Massively.

I did suggest renting but he doesnt want to rent out his house and rent a different one with me. He feels renting is a waste of money.

You don’t leave with nothing in a joint mortgage necessarily.

If OP was on a joint mortgage with him she would get 50% of any equity, minus his deposit which would be protected. That would have been sensible for them both. I don’t really understand how he thought a pregnant NHS worker single mother would be able to provide a huge house deposit, it can’t have been a huge shock to him!

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable OP, but at the same time, putting myself in his shoes I can absolutely see why he's unwilling to sink 100k into a joint property when you can't contribute anywhere near that yourself. It wouldn't be me. Also, I think you've been a bit naive in going looking at properties and bidding, without disclosing to him that you actually did have some savings put away. It doesn't justify him having a fit when he found out, but it would make me question your basic honesty/capacity.

I've been in a similar situation myself, and what it came down to is the other party simply had priorities, in this case financial, that they valued more than our relationship itself. I can understand their concerns and need to put their own financial security first and foremost, but what it says is that they ultimately see money as more important than their partner. I got out of that situation eventually, even though it was amicable enough in the end. Different people have different priorities, and by the sounds of it your partner and his parents view his financial security as a line in the sand.

I think that if you can accept this there is scope for having a further discussion about the possibility of living as a family unit in a way that means his financial investment is protected, but then you'll always believe that he values his personal financial prospects over his relationship and family. I eventually refused to live like that, and while I try not to get bitter in hindsight, it was always something I was consciously aware of while I was in that situation.

What on earth has it got to do with his parents??? You're a grown woman with a busy life already, a life he wanted to be part of. Not some teenager he can tell what to do.
Whatever you do, don't give in to this bullying
This would be the start of it all. Sounds like he wants to move to away from your support system.
They are desperate for a grandchild and he dumps you like that?
How awful for you. Stand your ground. Don't give in to them.

Mother Mary,
YANBU in the slightest. Where you live should be what is best for the majority of the family and that is obviously where you plus the children do best. Your ex partner was being very selfish and his parents are controlling idiots. You did right to stand up for yourself and your children.
I’m very sorry he’s now dumped you and you are now considering a termination. I’m not one to be in favour of termination for convenience, but I am very afraid for you if you do have the baby because it means you will have to keep this man in your life and that of your children. He strikes me as the type to just chip away at your self confidence and you won’t need that drain on you long term. The break would be cleaner if you terminated.

But his child should come before that surely. If a house is more important to him then is not the man to have a child with.

I just want to say how well I think you articulated your needs and boundaries. It shows real skill and I commend you for that. Truly.

His reaction is entirely his responsibility. He may come to regret being easily swayed by others but that's no reason for you to negotiate on the un-negotiable. He may well be trying to use any excuse he can to get out, hurting you in the process.

Of course he's the one being unreasonable and why is it "him and his parents think" about everything?

How long had you been together? Was contraception discussed?

Was there no middle ground of buying a house between the two?

I can kind of see both sides. I agree that your priority is your children, their school, and being near to childcare so you can work.

But I can kind of see his side too; leaving his own home and security to pay the mortgage on a house that he is bringing the equity to, when he doesn't want the move in the first place. Would the new house be in his name, or both? Would his original equity be ringfenced?

It's more complicated than it sounds I think

I agree that his parents can fuck off though. How old are you both?

@xdownwiththissortofthingx you have hit the nail on the head....

He said he feels that because I didnt bring up my willingness to help with my little bit of money has made his doubt my trustworthiness. I never saw it that way so if that is the case it was an honest mistake on my part and one I feel horrible for. Hence me asking for peoples opinions.

You've now seen his true colours and the depth to which he is capable of regarding commitment, which is pretty much zero. Also, his meddling parents are another huge problem. Is he a grown man or a child who needs mummy and daddy's approval in every aspect of his life?

@MrsSpookyM

I am 34 and he is 39...
And yes it is complicated. I am trying so hard not to be unreasonable. I will happily sign anything legal protecting his money. Tbh I dont even care if the house is in his name. None of this is materialistic for me. I just want what's best for my children. And to keep my financial stability by having my own income and childcare so he is never under the pressure of supporting all of us if I cant work.

Wow, he’s a shit.

He's proven his own untrustworthiness. I'm sorry he's turned out to be such an idiot. Involving his parents to that extent is ridiculous. If his mother still needs to 'protect' his interests at his age then he should surely see how you, as a mother, need to consider your own children's wellbeing.

@MrsSpookyM I would like to add that the reason I am not worried about not having half of the house if we split is because I am in the incredibly fortunate position of having properties to inherit. It's not something I like to think about as the circumstances are awful to consider. However I am an only child and my parents and grandparents have worked very hard to own property that they are very clear will be left to me and my family. I never take that for granted. We are so fortunate. My partner knows about this aswell.

I'm baffled at the hostility regarding his relationship with his parents. For some people they literally are the only source of support they have.

Posters on this site talk constantly about their relationships with their mums, how they share everything, how the mum is a rock etc, yet as soon as a man turns to his own parents or discusses anything serious with them, he's a 'shit/manchild/cunt' etc.

45 minutes is nothing. My partner has a house 40 minutes away. We used to take turns before lockdown. Now at mine as it's 4 minutes from my work. (GP so have to go in) and he works from home.

Why on earth would you blow your new job opportunity, your children’s school places, your family support to move in with someone who has demonstrated how little they and their family think of you?

I’d terminate, the pregnancy and the relationship.

YANBU. You're better off without him. 39 years old and his mom dictates what he does? Nope.

@Musicaltheatremum.... I'm interested to hear your thoughts but didnt quite understand your point? Did you mean 45 minutes is not far for me to commute my children to school/ go to work?

How long have you been together? I ask because if the relationship is relatively recent I can sort of understand why he's so freaked out by it all.

But however brief the relationship you're still not being unreasonable. Your position is entirely reasonable, though I wonder how much a childless and seemingly immature man might understand.

He loves his money more than he loves you or the baby. Everything else is just bollocks he's using to deflect from that.
He sounds like a narc. His behaviour is selfish and atrocious but he's got you feeling sorry for him, questioning yourself, blowing up an issue over some money to make you look like the bad guy. If you haven't heard directly from his parents I'd question whether that's true or not. He may just be using them so not to take the blame for his own awful behaviour. Or they only have his side of the story which will be skewed to make him look like a saint and you a gold digger.
I feel desperately sorry for you OP- he is an absolute arsehole who's making you question yourself and go round in circles looking for compromises when he was never going to do anything but what suited him. You are best rid of him. If he is a narc you are best out of it quick.

It depends if you want to end it or think the relationship is
Salvageable.
I know of a few younger couples whose finances have been significantly different when purchasing a house together, they have chosen to ring fence the deposit - meaning if the relationship breaks down they both get out what they put in & then any other profit is divided according to the agreement at the time depending on children etc.
The fact you hadn’t mentioned your savings when discussing the mutual funds available Was wrong on your part - not necessarily maliciously so but doesn’t come across well as I presume this wasn’t just discussed once, calculations were made & figures were looked at & it has taken a few weeks for you to mention it.
He probably doesn’t really understand the difficulties of school places or childcare & neither will his parents as everything has changed. Perhaps you should have made the calls to the school's together. Looked at your work & costs verses commutes etc.
It does almost sound like you have presented him with a fait accompli without discussing all the options & looking at the viability of everything to enable a mutual decision.
However he has been a total arse finishing with you & suggesting a termination.
Decide what you want for to try to achieve relationshipwise & separately with regard to the baby & go from there

He’s doing DARVO on you. Look it up. The money thing happened way after the arguments about moving. Right? He’d already had cold feet and you’d had to go out of your way to try and persuade him that he’d like your hometown.
Then your money gave him an “excuse” to come down like an injured party and end things.
If it hadn’t been that it would have been something else.
Not “trusting you” because you offered up some money is quite frankly ridiculous and nonsensical. You KNOW this. He was already on tenterhooks and ready to blow and was looking for a “get out of jail” card. When it all got too real and he was needing to do something proactive that’s when trouble started. Ask yourself this.
Did he put his house on the market for one day before or after the argument about your money?
Write down the timeline here and go through it.
They were putting pressure on you BEFORE the money thing.
You’re now here asking if you’ve been unreasonable? Why? Has he asked if dumping his pregnant girlfriend is unreasonable? No.
You’ve got more to loose here too. You’ve got two other little ones to consider and look after, it’s not all about him and his needs or you and your needs. Your first writing was about your eldest being settled at school. He and his parents want you to uproot 3 peoples lives to suit them? He has no responsibilities and no ties.
You do.
You have kids and a job and he has none of those things (he WFH). Therefore, logic alone dictates that he should be the one to move.
Stop asking if you are being unreasonable. You’ve been victimised here. If you carry on you open yourself to abuse from him and his parents. Your fist duty is to protect your little boys and at NO POINT have they even mentioned or considered them. It’s game over. Do not let these vile disgusting selfish abusive weirdos ruin or dictate yours of your kids lives.