My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

[Gemlouiski]

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

Definitely not being unreasonable.. it's not like you're asking him to move across the world!! If he were a decent human yours & your dc's happiness would be more important than his families selfish views!!

You sound like you have got yourself together very well which takes strength so you will get through this whatever you decide.

I'll also add...he admitted he was petrified of moving. After his previous failed relationships he was frightened to uproot his whole life and leave his comfort zone incase it all came crashing down.

I'm trying to remember everything and be as fair to telling his side and feelings as I can aswell.

Horrendous. He's casting as being about your interests vs his, completely forgetting about your children.

His parents, likewise, are focusing only on 'their GC', completely disregarding your existing DCs, their lives and needs.

It's pretty clear that:

1. He doesn't 'get' the responsibilities of parenthood, perhaps not surprisingly. But also;

2. As soon as the idea of his own flesh and blood child emerged, he dumped your DCs in favour of 'his son'. That would not make for a happy family.

YANBU at all. Don't contact him for a while and take a few days to decide what you want to do. Could you afford another child? Would your family still help you out with childcare?

Would you’re money have meant he was able to keep his house and not sell? Did you factor it in when getting mortgage advice and is it for a joint mortgage?
With the general situation of course he should see that the needs of stability for your boys is most important, especially as he has no real counter reason in practical terms for not wanting to live near their school.

Anyway, you do not want to be with a mummies boy, who puts his parents' interests before yours. That is no partnership and no way to live.

Unfortunately you've got two separate issues here: the relationship and the pregnancy.

The relationship is dead. Even if you could talk him round you've had a lucky escape because he's shown himself to be too selfish to take on your kids properly.

The pregnancy and whether it continues is your decision - based on whether or not you want to be a single parent to 3 kids rather than 2. You need a bit of time to think it over as an issue separate from fuckface's histrionics.

Seriously i would terminate,get rid of him out of your life forever.And just keep doing what you are doing.

Your life sounds great,you have your head screwed on.

Plus if you have the baby,would it scupper your plans for work.
And you just know they will be forever in your life,pulling you down and nit picking.

The thing is...if he moved what’s the worst that could happen? If it doesn’t work he could run back to where he is now. It’s not like you’re expecting him to move to Australia! He’s being ridiculous and probably explains why he’s still single. All of his behaviour that you’ve described made me go “WHAT?” It’s not normal. You know it’s not normal. Nobody I know or have ever known has acted like him. Ever. He’s weird. I’m sorry but he is and I think you’re best off not being with him. The first hurdle and there’s no compromise from him at all!! Decide what YOU want to do about the baby. Stop talking to him and decide what’s best for you

Oh. My. God. He's a classic wanker. I think that the situation with the unplanned pregnancy and the ramifications of moving house has revealed what a weak person he is. I don't think I would want a baby with him even as a co parent. I'm so dreadfully sorry for you that this situation has ignited such an awful outcome

No my money was not a significant enough amount thay he could have kept his home... it may have covered the fees of solicitors when moving though. We didnt get mortgage advice... we did our own quote and got an agreement in principle I didnt add it to the deposit at the time as I am still actively saving every month and didnt know an exact figure of what I would be able to contribute. He has has 100k invested in his house which would have gone down as a deposit. Again another reason they felt it was unfair. Perhaps I should have said sooner... if I should then I accept that as my own mistake and i have apologised if that was a bad judgement call on my part. However i did offer it up of my own free will... so clearly I had no intention of hiding it?

YANBU

He is utterly, utterly pathetic. I'm surprised he said his parents are older as he sounds about 15. Scared to move a couple of towns along? God, my fanny would shrivel hearing that.
Clearly completely tied to mummy's apron strings, they all sound nasty, unhealthily intermeshed, dysfunctional and thoroughly unpleasant.

I'm just so sorry that you've been put in this situation where you now have such a tough choice to make but rest assured you have done nothing wrong.

Yanbu
At all

He’s an arse and his parents sound vile.
They can move closer if that’s what they’ve got a bee in their bonnet about.

They’ve shown their true colours. When people show you they are pricks, believe them.

I would tell his parents about his instruction to terminate and let them see how precious their little darling is now.

Hold your head high and make any decision for you. I think if you were so over the moon about discovering you were pregnant, then maybe really you do want it. And you can make it work, it’s just not how you expected.x

His choice is clear, he wants out of responsibility that in any way affects him or his parents.

So really you need to now make a decision based on you going solo - so you feel able and willing to continue the pregnancy without him as partner, and raise the child coparenting without him as a partner?

That's the real question as he doesn't sound ready for anything else.

Do you own your own house? If not I can see why he is reluctant to sell up and move. If you split up he'd have lost his home. You need to see things from the other persons viewpoint. How long have you been together?

What are you looking for from this thread OP? Nobody thinks you have been unreasonable and everyone thinks that putting your children and job first was exactly the right thing to do.

But your ex sounds one of those determined to be hard done by and not really considerate of anyone else.

Unfortunately nothing anyone says can change that.

His parents are aware of his wish to terminate. I'm not sure of their thoughts as they havent told me. But they have said they are very sad at the outcome and will support him in what he believes is the best thing to do.

He's just the biggest piece of shit. Cowardly. Selfish. Immature.

You're better off finding this all out now, rather than when you have his baby. I would terminate in this situation. You have two boys you need to support - free yourself and move on with your life.

No I do not have my own home to sell.

I am interested to hear your views?

I think this really is the key question as you won't be able to stay together healthily through this:

So really you need to now make a decision based on you going solo - so you feel able and willing to continue the pregnancy without him as partner, and raise the child coparenting without him as a partner?

As horrible and traumatic as this must be, OP, thank fuck it happened before you moved in with him permanently.

Whether or not you terminate is none of his business. Nobody else ever gets to tell you what you do with your body, and any rights he had to express an opinion ended the moment he decided to end your relationship. In your situation I would (almost) certainly terminate- but whatever decision you make is the right one as long as it is your decision.

He could have rented out his house and bought one with you? If he's scared of losing his house after a failed relationship. Better off you know what he's like now so you can make your decision

I suppose I am looking for advice on if i have overlooked his needs and been unreasonable on my part. I obviously didnt think I was... I believed I was doing right by not only my children but all of us for the future. However I've been told so much that I'm wrong... it's making me doubt myself and wonder if I've missed something? I'd hate to have been unreasonable or unfair without meaning to.

@Cadent

Well he showed his true colours, didn't he? Even going so far as hiding behind mummy and daddy.

You did nothing wrong, OP. Just be glad you didn't get entangled in a mortgage/marriage with a manchild.

They have no 'grounds' to tell you to terminate your pregnancy. Block them and do what's best for you.

This sums it up perfectly! Sorry to hear OP but I think you've had a "lucky" escape, he sounds awful and so do his family.