My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

[Gemlouiski]

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

Your only error was moving in during lockdown - even if temporarily it gave him a vague hope that you would be prepared to relocate eventually, no matter what the practicalities were. He just would not understand the school or working parent issues. I agree that you have dodged a bullet, had it not been this issue or the money it would have been something else further down the line causing conflict. Clearly you are not compatible.

As to the baby it is for you decide whether you can cope alone and are prepared to have a future contact with your ex including access visits. How long a relationship has it been?

Its got fuck all to do with his parents.
Your children are settled where they are there is 0 reason for uprooting them now, plus you having to change jobs.
Theres nothing stopping his parents closer if they want to be "hands on".
And so what if he owns his house and has to sell it. He has no ties to the area ya know.. like his job or kids in school like you do!

He's got cold feet about losing out financially if you were to split, which to some extent is fair enough if he isn't fully committed to the relationship or doesn't see it as long term.

YANBU about not wanting to leave the area with your children, uprooting everyone when he works from home makes zero sense. I think maybe you should have talked about the financial situation more frankly though as it seems to me that that's the real issue here.

You have very clearly not been unreasonable. But that does not mean that he will come to see the light and tell you so

Lucky escape - and I believe it's better it has happened now rather than any further down the line.

Totally your choice whether you continue with the pregnancy or not; you'll cope with whichever path you choose.

(his parents don't come into it. He's an adult and if he is saying that this is their influence he's either a coward or a man child. Well rid)

Of course he is horrible suggesting you have an abortion. But if he sells his house and then you split up he will have lost a huge amount of money. Neither of you will afford on your own the house you would potentially buy together. Suggest he rents out his own house and stays with you. That is if you still want to be together. But sounds like it's all gone sour. And I agree his parents are far too interfering. But just over the moving and selling his house he isn't being U not to want to.

Devils advocate since who knows what they think of you

Maybe they think - Single mum no money/rents home and gets pregnant during lockdown and wants man to sale home and buy with her and her children in her town.... has baby splits up and remains in home for good of children (3 of them) and man moves out pays maintenance and no home

You never know what they are thinking. You say he has had failed relationships....

who knows

Termination your body so up to you.

Blessing in disguise? Who knows.

@Gemlouiski Couldn't he look at renting out his house and moving in with you ?? Alternatively would it be at all possible for you to commute to your DC's schools and your work after maternity, even if that were difficult??

He doesn't sound nice at all though.

YANBU

I wouldn't want anything to do with this guy or his mental family again.

For me that would include having a termination.

Good luck OP

sell sorry not sale!

You are being completely reasonable. When two people live far apart decide to move in together there are 3 choices - where he lives, where she lives or somewhere between the two.

There are 4 people in your scenario, all of whom need consideration.

If he moves - he leaves his house and moves 20 minutes further away from his family. That impacts 1 person

If you move - you and your children move away from your family, you may have to give up your job because of childcare and your children have to leave their schools. That impacts 3 people.

There is no logic in impacting 3 people massively instead of 1 person minorly.

And whilst he may feel his parents are relevant to the decision that would also then mean your family are relevant so they'd be missing out on the time when they give childcare and the closeness to you and the kids.

You are not being unreasonable at all. When you decide to live with someone with children you have to accept that it's not just what is best for you that's considered, the children have to be.

The fact he's lashed out and told you to terminate the pregnancy because he's not getting his own way is a huge a sign that no matter what you choose to do you should never, ever, ever take this man back.

Of course you haven't been unreasonable. He needs to grow up!
You are well shot of him, and it is a good thing you didn't get as far as buying a house with him and moving your children in.
A termination is up to you, not him. It sounds as though you have had a lucky escape.

But if he sells his house and then you split up he will have lost a huge amount of money.

@Viviennemary

This is what I think the parents are worried about... it does happen

The financial side could have been worked out though legally, with his money protected. It sounds like you would have signed something to ensure that. It doesn’t sound like you were getting married so it’s easier to leave with what you put in. I can understand his worry about it losing money and home but the way he has gone about it is horrible and childish.

His worries and points MAY have been a valid discussion for you both, but his behaviour has been dreadful and unforgivable.

The context is important here - it’s not unreasonable to have concerns and want protections in place for finances. But it is unreasonable to behave like he has and blame you for it all

He's a twat and his family should butt out of your business
Well if you have his baby they are in your life forever.

So let his parents buy his house and be closer to the pair of you.

You're not being unreasonable. Blending a family is just that, blending it. Not uprooting an established family where the kids are settled to move them for the one person (who has a flexible work situation).

You're not even close to being an arsehole, OP. Would his house be big enough to house you all anyway, or would he have to sell anyway?

I would never take half of the house if we split up. Or any of his money. It didnt belong to me first and will always be his money. I'd happily sign anything legally binding to give him confidence in that. The joint mortgage was needed so we could achieve maximum budget. He is the main bread winner... he earns alot more than me and would likely have paid the mortgage while I paid all the council tax/ utilities and food Bill's. At least that was the agreement we had talked about.

Can he move in with you & rent out his house? In the meantime you could potentially save a deposit together to buy somewhere. Joint incomes plus the income from his house. I agree with PPs that it's potentially the financial situation that's putting him off. His reaction to an alternative suggestion will tell you a lot.

Nothing however excuses him berating you for having savings & instructing you to get an abortion. The relationship with his parents sounds odd as well. Lots of red flags here OP.

Sorry I forgot to say YADNBU

maybe they would fund their grandchild... so you could love and enjoy the baby as well... he is out of the equation whatever happens, but there is this new potential that is a new baby with the financial support and possibly loving support of the grandparents.... put it to them... everything including his request for the termination... make a presentation of the pregnancy, in terms of them being the grandparents... that they have a role and an importance in this... they might be the new reason.. they could be fantastic...

I've read some shocking things on here in my time but this really takes the biscuit

I'm so sorry you find yourself in that situation with that pathetic excuse of a man

You've done nothing wrong, but I can see his point of view. It would have been better for him to rent his house out first and move in with you, then he can get his status quo back if it went wrong. Or even rent somewhere new together. Did you guys consider that?

It sounds like the unplanned baby, the moving in and purchasing a house together with him putting down all the deposit was too much too soon.

Completely agree with Menora re the way he has gone about things.

I think he has shown you are just not suited to each other. If he really wanted a long term relationship with you he would have just told his parents and they'd have managed. You are being told a lot of bullshit and his outburst about the little bit of money you have is appalling.

You will be well out of this relationship - and much wiser if and when another man comes along.

Get rid asap and good luck.

He has admitted his house isnt really big enough but feels the easiest cheapest option is to have a loft conversion done to make more space instead of moving completely. I have been commuting to work currently... I work in a hopsital and have been working through the pandemic. It's a tiring drive and no doubt would be even more difficult with a baby... but I did offer to do it until we found the right house. I also offered to meet in the middle... not necessarily my home town... maybe a town in the middle of both our homes so I could still reasonably commute. Unfortunately my area is cheaper than the middle ground areas though. Which is a factor.