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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

280 replies

Gemlouiski · 05/08/2020 16:26

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemlouiski · 05/08/2020 18:10

@XDownwiththissortofthingX this is exactly his situation... his parents are his only source of support and he is very close to them.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 05/08/2020 18:10

He's a Mummy's boy. He has dumped you after making you pregnant. Now he demands you abort. Personally I would not move my boys away from their school or their father. I would stay where I had a job with prospects and child care. I would keep baby and make him pay child support. I would allow him a chess to baby at days times to suit me. You have had a lucky escape. Thank goodness you found out what he was.like now. Only you can decide if you want an abortion or not. Personally I could not do it.

VanillaFrais · 05/08/2020 18:11

You've put your children's needs above his, which quite frankly is what a good mother would do in this situation. You have nothing to be ashamed about and you don't need to be second guessing yourself. He's shown his true colours thankfully before you've bought a house and moved in together. I don't know what to suggest about your pregnancy as you must be very torn, however, I do know that you are never going to be happy in a relationship with this man baby and his interfering mother.

Didkdt · 05/08/2020 18:11

Do you have support around you where you are?
He does sound very controlling and so does his mum and I sense they would try to smother you.
I don't see this as too much too soon I see a very controlling person with back up taking steps to make sure your boys are established as second in the pecking order and that you remove yourself from the support network you have. He's dumped you because you standing your ground shows you won't be downtrodden or abused and that sadly is not what he's looking for in a woman. The demand for a termination is a last stab at control. If you cave my suspicion is he'll sweep in as a saviour at the last minute and beat you over the head with the decision you made for years

Aerial2020 · 05/08/2020 18:12

Your trustworthiness???
But you were ok to sleep with and get pregnant?!
He sounds vile.

workhomesleeprepeat · 05/08/2020 18:13

Hmmmm the 'trustworthiness' thing your DP has with the money you have in saving sounds like another excuse tbh. Some people just like talking about things and saying nice things and having little fantasies of a family, but in real life they don't have the chops to cope so he's scared and trying to make out that its your fault. 39 is a few years too old to be scared of real life tbh!

I don't think you are at fault here at all. Sorry your are in this situation. He doesn't sound like a nice man sounds very selfish.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 05/08/2020 18:14

I’d think very carefully about continuing a relationship with this man. He thinks it fair that 3 people are uprooted to protect the happiness of 1 person. The people most vulnerable in this situation would be taken away from their support network and safety net.

He’s not the only one who can make a decision on this relationship, you can make choose to end it too.

If I were you, the only thing I’d be thinking about right now is can I be a single mum to 3 kids and be tied to him (and his mum and dad) for the rest of your life?

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/08/2020 18:14

Oh god he’s really got to look at his prospects realistically here, nearly 40 and tied to mummy. He’s not catch of the day is he?,

I wonder if his mum only wants gc if their mums a virgin from a good family and a trust fund.

Musicaltheatremum · 05/08/2020 18:14

@Gemlouiski apologies, I wasn't clear. I meant it was hardly uprooting for him to move. I agree keeping your kids at the same school is important. He is an idiot.

Aerial2020 · 05/08/2020 18:14

PLEASE don't put a man and his needs before your boys.
The pregnancy is his responsibility too.
Your boys should be his family too now. He's not even considering them.

Original poster
Gemlouiski · 05/08/2020 18:15

@UggyPow I take full responsibility for my mistake in not bringing up my money sooner. I have apologised and and genuinely sorry for my error in judgement.

We have looked at schools in his area together. I even looked round one. He was standing with me and heard the lady tell me with his own ears that I couldnt get a place for my children and the same school. I did look openmindedly at his area before in an attempt to be fair to him. However it soon became clear it wasnt a viable option for schooling and since then I had been very clear that I didnt want to move them

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 05/08/2020 18:15

Get rid of him Op you sound like a intelligent woman who is a great mum to your boys, this great big woman’s blouse is trying to upset the Apple cart, still tied to mummy’s apron strings, nothing will come of this, he sounds a prize arsehole, please get rid you can do so much better, tell him he is the weakest link goodbye,

Seeingadistance · 05/08/2020 18:16

OP, do not doubt yourself. Your approach is sensible and thoughtful. You are clearly strong and capable, able to make good and considered judgements about what is best for you and your children. It could also have worked out well for your partner if he weren’t such a fool.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, but I do think you’re well rid of this man-child.

Aerial2020 · 05/08/2020 18:17

[quote Gemlouiski]@XDownwiththissortofthingX this is exactly his situation... his parents are his only source of support and he is very close to them.[/quote]
But they still would be a source of support.
That's not in question. He's a grown man who needs to put his family (as you are) before what they want. They can still be supportive.

morefun · 05/08/2020 18:17

WTF. No, sorry. I understand if he didn't want to move and wanted to talk about it, but to end it when you're pregnant for that reason is just knobbish. What a twat.

Hope you can make a good decision for you and your boys, one that you're happy enough with 💐

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/08/2020 18:17

He should have been happy you had money to pay the fees etc not annoyed you kept something from him.

He doesn't want to move, being in the same place is more important to him than having a partner and baby. Bloody ridiculous considering how short a distance you want him to move.

I'd keep the baby and dump the immature boyfriend. You have children, you have to out their needs first. He isn't mature enough for parenthood. You are.

And it would be a cold day in hell before I let his mother be 'hands on' with my baby too. Her idea of 'being involved' sounds clingy and manipulative.

user1471457751 · 05/08/2020 18:18

While I think he sounds horrible and immature, I can see their point about the money for the house. If he's putting in £100k and you're putting in nothing but both going on the deeds then he is essentially just handing you £50k.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 05/08/2020 18:18

Nothing you have said sounds like you have been unfair and there is obviously no future in your relationship.
It's an awful decision to make regarding termination but my gut would tell me not to be tied to him or his family for the next however long.
I think you'd be in for years of stress and heartache if you continue the pregnancy. Best wishes to you.

Seeingadistance · 05/08/2020 18:19

And OP, you are perfectly entitled to have your own savings. You didn’t keep them secret, anyway. You said you were prepared to contribute them to the house purchase.

He’s just looking for any excuse to blame you instead of being responsible for his own life.

Aerial2020 · 05/08/2020 18:19

[quote Gemlouiski]@UggyPow I take full responsibility for my mistake in not bringing up my money sooner. I have apologised and and genuinely sorry for my error in judgement.

We have looked at schools in his area together. I even looked round one. He was standing with me and heard the lady tell me with his own ears that I couldnt get a place for my children and the same school. I did look openmindedly at his area before in an attempt to be fair to him. However it soon became clear it wasnt a viable option for schooling and since then I had been very clear that I didnt want to move them[/quote]
This should decide it for you not to move. They come first.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 05/08/2020 18:20

@Gemlouiski

this is exactly his situation... his parents are his only source of support and he is very close to them

It sounds very much like the relationship my ex-partner has with their parents. Both of them are absolutely lovely people without a bad bone in their body, but they do tend to be involved in every single aspect of all their childrens' lives.

It was frustrating, because at times it felt like I was in a relationship with three people and not just one other, but at the same time, they were far more like like parents to me than my own, showed the same level of care and concern for me that they did their own child, and while I did once in a while feel our relationship was sufficiently intruded upon to actually say so to my partner, I would never have dreamed of telling them to force their parents to 'butt out' or that they should reduce contact.

It's infuriating sometimes watching an adult you care deeply about seemingly incapable of making adult decisions for themselves without first discussing every detail with their parents, or apparently being hectored into making decisions against their better judgement, but it certainly doesn't make them a 'shit', or a 'cunt', or merit being called a 'child'.

Aerial2020 · 05/08/2020 18:21

@user1471457751

While I think he sounds horrible and immature, I can see their point about the money for the house. If he's putting in £100k and you're putting in nothing but both going on the deeds then he is essentially just handing you £50k.
But this is the wrong way too look at it surely if they are having a family together??
Original poster
Gemlouiski · 05/08/2020 18:22

@bakedoff this is how I feel....

His reaction was so extreme I feel it was a cop out tbh. He admitted he was having to force himself to look at moving. I think he was scared and needed and escape. And my error in not bringing up my money sooner was the perfect excuse to make it my fault the relationship was ending.

Least thats how I feel.

There is no going back. Even if i wanted to... he would never change his mind anyway. He believes so feircely he is right about this. I just need the clarity of other opinions for my owns sanity. To know i wasnt insane thinking i wasnt being unreasonable.

OP posts:
MrsSpookyM · 05/08/2020 18:23

Oh, I was expecting him to be about 22! Why the fuck are his parents getting involved? Fucking hell.

It sounds like he's not a free agent, if he's still doing as mummy says at his age then he's a man child.

GabsAlot · 05/08/2020 18:25

i dont know why youre still looking for reason to think youre BU?

weve told you yure not-he clearly is immature and is backtracking on everything he said using yu having a few thousand as an excuse not to do this

whther or not you have tis baby is up to you now but i dont think you have a future with this man-he so9unds about 20 not 29