Polyamory and emotions

[Orcsies]

Long time lurker, first time poster - please go easy on me.

I have recently (a few months ago, known him for longer) entered into a relationship with a polyamorous man. He was very upfront about the way he conducts his relationships and even though I am currently his only partner, for many reasons more to do with my own situation I am a secondary partner - we do not and have no plans to live together, have children, buy a house etc., but we have a commitment to each other in terms of time spent together, emotional support, sharing, feelings.

It has now come to the point whereby he will very likely soon spend the night with someone else. Again, we have spoken about this and logically I am fine with this - it is just sex and even if there were more to it (which he would definitely tell me - an important part of this kind of relationship is constant communication) I am under no threat from her with regards to his emotions or his commitment to me. I have a key to his house and I have met his family. He is a good man.

That is the logical part.
Here is my issue. This is my first polyamorous relationship. I have in the past gone through a lot of abuse in other relationships and have subsequently developed a fair few insecurities. I know that these insecurities are my own issue and I can trace each one back to its origins. My partner is supportive and reassuring whenever we discuss my feelings (something very new and unusual for me).

I know that, with time and a lot of work on my part, I will be okay - not only with him having sex outside of the relationship, but also when the time comes for him to take on other partners. Of course, I have the same rights.

But in the meantime, I do not yet have the time to develop those securities before he will sleep with this woman. I don't want to make him wait - after all, my issues are deep-rooted and will take many months if not years and I knew what I signed myself up for.

So I need strategies: strategies to become secure enough in myself and to overcome my feelings of jealousy and anxiety around the whole thing. Any thoughts on this, experiences and help greatly appreciated.

But you didn't want that? When people said it sounded like you were rejecting the idea of monogamy to fit with his wants, you said absolutely not and that you didn't want a monogamous relationship. You were resolute about that.

And now he has said he wants a monogamous relationship, and for it to be with you, you now say you do want that.

I'm really concerned you don't seem to see how willingly you're allowing him to dictate the narrative of your dynamic without checking in with your own wants and needs.

If you were a friend I would be gently suggesting that you're mirroring his behaviour rather than being true to yourself. Which is a recipe for disaster in most cases.

Not a single post supporting you staying with this guy unless I missed one. Universal in the opinion you should get out of this relationship.

Hearing you say he desires his ex and really wanted to shag her etc etc. Wanting time to consider being monogamous. FFS. Red flags everywhere. I am sorry but I don’t think for one minute he will stay away from this woman, I think he genuinely cares for you but no way will he be told what to do. From what you have described of his personality - he will do whatever he wants. You just won’t be told about it.

@Orcsies

Sounds to me like you've lost your belief in love OP. There are still men out there who will love and cherish you and you only.

I have not ever had someone love me the way others seem to be. But I have come to accept that.

And now, I don't want more than I have. Just a bit of breathing space, time to collect myself before I move on to the next stage in my life. Which likely will involve him. But, having him here for a few days, i once again see why this could not work as a primary relationship. For which I wouldn't have the energy anymore anyway.

The last part of your post directly contradicts your latest update.

You don't want to be his primary or in a mono relationship (you say). Although you were always wanting to be in a mono relationship with this man as you had no desire to have any other partners.

You sound incredibly confused about what it is YOU want. This is all about him and what he wants.

I have in the past gone through a lot of abuse in other relationships
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He either has chosen you specifically as an abuser would do, or if he was a nice man he would know that you are not able to cope with this and should end things. I have a close friend who has been you in several poly relationships. Run a mile.