Polyamory and emotions

[Orcsies]

Long time lurker, first time poster - please go easy on me.

I have recently (a few months ago, known him for longer) entered into a relationship with a polyamorous man. He was very upfront about the way he conducts his relationships and even though I am currently his only partner, for many reasons more to do with my own situation I am a secondary partner - we do not and have no plans to live together, have children, buy a house etc., but we have a commitment to each other in terms of time spent together, emotional support, sharing, feelings.

It has now come to the point whereby he will very likely soon spend the night with someone else. Again, we have spoken about this and logically I am fine with this - it is just sex and even if there were more to it (which he would definitely tell me - an important part of this kind of relationship is constant communication) I am under no threat from her with regards to his emotions or his commitment to me. I have a key to his house and I have met his family. He is a good man.

That is the logical part.
Here is my issue. This is my first polyamorous relationship. I have in the past gone through a lot of abuse in other relationships and have subsequently developed a fair few insecurities. I know that these insecurities are my own issue and I can trace each one back to its origins. My partner is supportive and reassuring whenever we discuss my feelings (something very new and unusual for me).

I know that, with time and a lot of work on my part, I will be okay - not only with him having sex outside of the relationship, but also when the time comes for him to take on other partners. Of course, I have the same rights.

But in the meantime, I do not yet have the time to develop those securities before he will sleep with this woman. I don't want to make him wait - after all, my issues are deep-rooted and will take many months if not years and I knew what I signed myself up for.

So I need strategies: strategies to become secure enough in myself and to overcome my feelings of jealousy and anxiety around the whole thing. Any thoughts on this, experiences and help greatly appreciated.

There are various books you could read, such as the "ethical slut" and "opening up" which you might find helpful.

I notice you're not apparently planning to also see other people. I would do that.

Being mono & poly is a tough gig and you're the one getting less than you need out of the relationship. You'll have a better time of it and better understanding of him if you both engage in the polyamorous lifestyle.

If it's not for you and you're monogamous, you really need to question why you're aiming so low as to knowingly have your needs go unmet.

Mydogisthebestest to be fair both myself and
bluntness stated it happens but rarely and in the majority of cases its the man who has multiple partners.

OP I've been in apply situation and it was empowering for me at the time. I felt great. It felt right.

There have also been times in my life when it would have destroyed my sense of self-worth (and luckily I turned down potential partners then).

You have experiences of relationship that was abusive. The emotional connection this man is able to offer, his willing ness to discuss the relationship and feelings etc is hugely attractive after an abusive relationship. However, you are not used to feeling great in a relationship. So you feel good in comparison to your past, but not in comparison to what feeling great from being in the right relationship is.

The bottom line is that you should not have to change who you are to be in a relationship - any relationship.

The fact that you got together when he's not got a primary partner and you're new to this is a recipe for total emotional disaster. What he has with you, he's going to have but much, much more with someone else. That's the point. He's not just out to shag about (apparently) which means that you're going to be relegated. If primary decides you need to spend less time with him or he needs to be less available to you then that will take precedence in his relationship with you, albeit with much discussion. You will literally be relegated. There's no amount of working on yourself that turns that into a good feeling.

It also sounds like you're spending a lot of time thinking (stressing) about the relationship, more than the time you actually have together. This is normal in an abusive situation, so again, possibly a pattern you have left over from previous experiences. It doesn't mean you're being abused in this relationship, but it is not a sign of someone in a relationship that's healthy for them.

*in a poly situation

(I was one woman with multiple men)

I know nothing about this. But I wouldn't play second fiddle to an imaginary unfound "priamry" woman in a million trillion years. That is a sure road to zero self worth! Ask why you are not the primary. Then walk away.

Just, despite what you think, it isn’t always one man with many wives

I suggest you go back and read my post again and see if I actually said it was always one man with many wives,

I think there are probably forums for those in polyamorous relationships, OP. Maybe seek them out and see what they say? They might well say that polyamory is not for you- from what I've read it's not for everyone- but they'd have more experience in the subject than most posters on here.

I didn’t say you did. My wording was clumsy. Apologies. No need to be so rude.

In the media multiple women are portrayed with one man, but my experience in real life indicates that there are a significant number of women who have multiple concurrent partners and this number is increasing.

I have a theory that there is a purines I test by men, who tend to control the commissioning of tv programmes and articles, in the one man getting lots of sex with younger women and that the single woman shagging blokes when she feels like it is less interesting. But that’s just my theory.

But people in general are much more aware of poly from that POV and the other receives much less attention, which skews perception.

*prurient interest

And to clarify, I am talking about in the uk, in today’s modern world, not in religious or other societies where polyamory with the man having many wives was or is culturally the norm.

As @KnitFastDieWarm said, if you’re poly you wouldn’t be experiencing such emotional angst. You may get the odd niggle now and again but not these overwhelming anxieties.

Your comments show how far you are away from being able to view your relationship objectively.

The “constant communication” you cherish - what do you think will happen when he has a primary? At the moment your needs are being met - anxieties aside - but that won’t always be the case. Even if you were able to be his primary you’d then have to sacrifice time for other secondaries.

You love this man and after your abusive experiences you’re clearly drawn to his kindness and patience that you describe. However the fact you have such enormous and overwhelming anxieties about the intrinsic nature of a poly relationship shows it’s not right for you.

All your comments scream of someone who’s desperate not to give up a man she loves and will do anything to keep him.

Yes you knew about his poly needs from the start and you were ok with it then. But clearly you’re not ok with it now and that’s ok too. You’re allowed to re-evaluate your emotional needs. Poly relationships only truly suit a very small proportion of folk and you need to be very secure to manage it successfully.

I doubt you’re going to listen to anyone given the comments you’ve made so far. It just smacks of a woman who is doing anything to keep her man happy and sacrificing her own needs in the process. It’s repeating patterns from your abusive past, unfortunately.

I have in the past gone through a lot of abuse in other relationships and have subsequently developed a fair few insecurities.

This is worrying. My friend who is in a poly relationship was definitely'chosen' for this reason. Disclaimer yes not all poly relationships are like this. But I've always thought you'd need to be very happy with yourself to be in this kind of situation otherwise it'd wear you down too much.

@KnitFastDieWarm

I’m in a very happy and stable non-monogamous relationship. in my experience you either are ok with it (on a real gut level) or you aren’t - it’s almost like a sexual orientation, it’s part of your intrinsic makeup. You can’t (and shouldn’t) try and MAKE yourself ok with it to seem ‘accepting’.

Go and find a nice man who wants what you want. Don’t change or compromise yourself for anyone!

This is so true. OP, how long have you been together? Your foundation needs to be strong and established before you make this step. If you’re ambivalent, it might just be that you’re not fully recovered from your trauma(s) yet and you’re not ready for any committed relationship quite yet. Give yourself (a lot) more time!

As gently as possible - you want a normal relationship with a normal man, love.

Why bother 'working through it'. Find someone else and have a relationship that makes you happy: not part time happy, full time happy. I can assure you that they do exist. Because you have suffered abuse you think this is a good relationship. But it's not.
The analogy of a shit sandwich is apt here-90% good and 10% shit is not something you should ever eat.

This is long, sorry!

^He does not manipulate me. There is no coercion. No power plays. I recognise those, goodness knows I've lived them often enough.
He is trying to work through it with me. Patient, loving, caring, making sure I am okay, but he does not compromise on the bits that are important to him and polyamory is.^

The thing with being manipulative is it's often not recognized by the person who's being manipulated- which is just a sign the manipulator is good at it. That you think you would recognize manipulation because you've been manipulated in the past doesn't make it so. Maybe he's just better at it than others you've experienced. He disguises it by being 'patient, loving, caring.'

Did he tell you that he was poly and wouldn't compromise on that before you started dating? If you feel this uncomfortable with it (which is normal) I imagine he didn't. If a bloke told you that while you were still just messaging through OLD, or before a first date if you met IRL, and you hadn't known the bloke for any time at all, I imagine you'dve said 'that isn't for me' and moved on to date someone else (that's what you should do, anyway, rather than accept absolutely anything in a potential mate, regardless of how you feel about it.)

And so, it is manipulation, because he wasn't clear about this from the start, and/or this isn't what you signed up for. If he knew he was poly before you started dating but didn't tell you, then he lied to you/misled you.

What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want to be in an official relationship with someone, just not live together (which is fine, I never want to live with anyone again) or something else?

I think you're wasting your time with this bloke. You don't want to be someone's 'secondary partner,' (ugh!) you want a relationship, you just don't want to live with someone. You'll find plenty of people who want that too- you could be with one of them and get what you wwant/need from a relationship.

Thinking about it, I've been a 'secondary partner' in a 'poly relationship' (although it was 1996 so we didn't call it that then- in our particular case we didn't really call it anything, but I think he did give the line that he could 'love' multiple people etc.)

I don't know how happy his partner was with it. She knew about it but he did mention once that I was at a Burn's Night meal (there were a lot of people there) which he had invited me along to as a friend, and afterwards she said to him she felt humiliated, like a laughing stock, like everyone knew and was laughing at her (I didn't go to the meal knowing she was going to feel that way, of course.)

I didn't have any sort of 'official' title with the bloke and I didn't think most people knew about us, so I just thought anyone would just see me as going as a friend. I didn't sit near him or anything, she did, but still she felt that way. It makes me feel sad that she felt like that.

She did supposedly have other lovers sometimes.

As a 'secondary partner' (how does it feel to you when you hear that phrase? I wouldn't want to be anyone's 'secondary partner') I was a bit lonely sometimes. Of course, what day/time we met was always on his terms, as she was (well, should've been) his priority. I also knew this 'relationship' was just killing time really. It wasn't 'relationship goals.' Don't know why I was doing it- my health wasn't good, so I didn't have the energy or confidence to get out somewhere and meet someone else maybe.

I've also had 'threesomes' at other points in my life- these often ended in someone getting jealous or a relationship being truly under threat from the other person etc.

You don't want this, you want something else. You should be honest with yourself about that.

For personal reasons I don’t live with my partner. This has been the case for 5 years and is unlikely to change for a few more years. It suits us both 90% of the time. However we are not sleeping with other people. I mentally could not cope with that and the jealousy would eat away all the time. Most people when they start dating don’t immediately agree to live with each other. It evolves. How will your relationship evolve? What happens if the primary partner wants more and is not willing to share home anymore. You will have lost years of your life when in the meantime there are lots of lovely men out there who want to be with one woman.

I married a man who then decided that he "needed" to "just have sex" with other women, I thought I loved him so tolerated his appalling attitude and quickly came to my senses.
Ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with a man who will use other women "just for sex" would you want to be that other woman or be with a man who would treat someone this way.
If you read your op do you really want to be that woman or the one colluding with a man who shows little or no respect either of you.

It's difficult OP because most people wouldn't choose polyamory. If I had feelings for a guy I wouldn't be able to cope with them sleeping with someone else - whatever the efforts to communicate or be open and honest.

I think you should ask yourself in a really honest way if you would ever choose polyamory as your preferred style of relationship if you hadn't met him. If not then I think anything that you accept now is not going to be good for you mentally or emotionally. That's not because you lack imagination, maturity or security. It's just not for you. I'm always anxious when I hear women saying they are trying to accept a mans behaviour or choices because it also suggests they are not accepting yours. It's not like trying a food for the first time - it's about knowing yourself well enough to know what you need and want from a relationship. It's more like trying mussels when you're allergic to seafood. It will not end well.

It sounds to me like you have found an abusive relationship to punish yourself alongside your insecurities. What you actually need is someone who loves and cherishes you, and you alone. When we hate ourselves it’s really easy to fall into these punishment traps and he’s an arsehole to let you.

Please listen to others, OP.

You are denying the validity of your own emotions and reality, and he is helping to do that. You are both gaslighting you.

A polyamorous relationship is not the place for a traumatised person.

It's a catch-22 though - if you were in a place where you could trust yourself and were ready to be polyamorous, you'd probably decide you wanted to create a monogamous relationship on your terms more than you want this man.

Ive been in a relationship with my partner for 18 years, and have never lived together despite our 14 year old child.
I dont think either of us would tolerate the other having a secondary relationship, nor moving a primary into either one of our's houses or minds.
Relationships can play out in different ways because of different live stages/experiences/previous children, etc. But I think that when you meet someone who you both REALLY feel the 'primary' thing for, that you pretty much throw out any notions of secondaries

Lots to think about, thank you all for your opinions.

To the PP who asked, yes, I knew that he was poly before we started dating properly. Before we even started sleeping together; it took me two whole months from there to say that I wanted a relationship with him and we are now four months in.

It was my choice not to become his primary partner. There is a significant age gap, a signifcant difference in what we both wanted out of a future relationship. He wants children, wanted marriage (but having seen me go through the divorce process may now think differently - other story entirely), wants someone to eventually move in with him. I don't want any of that. He said to me a few times I'm everything he is looking for in a primary partner. We have also discussed the possibility of a primary relationship, but /I/ am the one who does not want that - not because I mistrust him or don't love him enough, but because I know that, in the long run, I would not be happy with the constraints of that much commitment again. Been there, done that, worn the T-shirt many a time.

I don't live day to day from one date to the next. Again, he is far more like that than me; I am, mostly, very happy in my own company. And I am the one putting the brakes on seeing each other too much, partially because I am fully aware that any extra time we see each other at the moment may be taken away once another woman comes into the picture and takes the primary space.

But what some PP have said about me taking a backseat in this is also not true. He operates on a first-come, first-served basis in all aspects of his life, including relationships. He has a hobby that he has been doing for over 15 years, always on the same day. He continues doing that, even if he has visitors, other than full-on emergencies every week, because it came first.

We have talked at length how a potential primary partner would affect our relationship. The answer is, they wouldn't. We would still see each other on the same days we have set aside for each other. He has never, even once, moved those days to make room for someone else. I have been there when he has told friends he can't do X day because that's when I'm around. He plans a lot of his life around those set days, because they are important to him, too. The time commitment is there.

We are an official couple in all capacities. Like I said, his friends, family, colleagues and the woman he will be seeing all know of me and for the first time in my life I did not have to nag him to do so, he did it automatically and out of his own, because he likes to share that we are together.

I know it sounds strange. I have done a fair bit of reading and I know that anxiety and jealousy are a normal part of polyamorous relationships until trust is fully established. And that is it, really, I need to trust that nothing will change. I need to work on my self-esteem and inner security.

That has nothing to do with trying to be 'woke' and everything to do with trying to develop a part of me that has been neglected all my life. Believe me (and I have said that to him, too), I evaluate costs and benefits and if the sum is less than positive I am out. But I also take a long-term view. I am going through a massively shit time in my life and it has knocked me for six, so in the short term I need to bridge my inner issues until they can be fixed.

That is what I need the strategies for. Thank you to everyone who has given me an insight into their experiences, even if it didn't always work out (but then, how many mono relationships do?).

It shouldn't be this hard or problematic though. I can understand why you don't want to live with anyone or get married again. Why do you think it isn't possible to have that with just one person and for that to be reciprocated?

My partner and I have been together 4 years. We live in separate houses. We are together just not in the way society expects. We are very happy.

The thing that's making you miserable IS the poly side of the relationship with him. You accepted it when dating but you are allowed to change your mind if it isn't for you. Sounds like too much emotional labour to me.

Yes agree with above. It is the poly that is causing you stress. Never ever ignore your gut feeling. That fight or flight feeling is there to protect us.