Polyamory and emotions

[Orcsies]

Long time lurker, first time poster - please go easy on me.

I have recently (a few months ago, known him for longer) entered into a relationship with a polyamorous man. He was very upfront about the way he conducts his relationships and even though I am currently his only partner, for many reasons more to do with my own situation I am a secondary partner - we do not and have no plans to live together, have children, buy a house etc., but we have a commitment to each other in terms of time spent together, emotional support, sharing, feelings.

It has now come to the point whereby he will very likely soon spend the night with someone else. Again, we have spoken about this and logically I am fine with this - it is just sex and even if there were more to it (which he would definitely tell me - an important part of this kind of relationship is constant communication) I am under no threat from her with regards to his emotions or his commitment to me. I have a key to his house and I have met his family. He is a good man.

That is the logical part.
Here is my issue. This is my first polyamorous relationship. I have in the past gone through a lot of abuse in other relationships and have subsequently developed a fair few insecurities. I know that these insecurities are my own issue and I can trace each one back to its origins. My partner is supportive and reassuring whenever we discuss my feelings (something very new and unusual for me).

I know that, with time and a lot of work on my part, I will be okay - not only with him having sex outside of the relationship, but also when the time comes for him to take on other partners. Of course, I have the same rights.

But in the meantime, I do not yet have the time to develop those securities before he will sleep with this woman. I don't want to make him wait - after all, my issues are deep-rooted and will take many months if not years and I knew what I signed myself up for.

So I need strategies: strategies to become secure enough in myself and to overcome my feelings of jealousy and anxiety around the whole thing. Any thoughts on this, experiences and help greatly appreciated.

If you hadn't met and dated this guy, would you be seeking out a poly relationship?

the thing is, he seems to be actually wanting a primary relationship, but is happy to have some casual girlfriends until it happens. He would like that to be you, but you are not up for it. So he is shopping around until that happens.
From what I have understood in the past, the primaries usually come along first, and its the secondaries on both sides that tend to be added after discussion.
My suspicion is that he will be surprisingly monogomous once he finds 'the one' and will use the polygamous element to allow him to keep you while he is searching and trying out the other goods.

‘I know that anxiety and jealousy are a normal part of polyamorous relationships until trust is fully established.‘

As i said above, i’ve been in an open marriage for years now and they really, really aren’t a normal
part of poly relationships . They aren’t a part of ANY GOOD RELATIONSHIP, whether you’re a virgin on your wedding night or sleep with three different people a day. At the end of the day any relationship should make the participants feel happy, secure and comfortable. The precise nature of the relationship doesn’t change that.

I can’t help thinking you’re looking at this the wrong way round. Nonmonogamy to strengthen or ‘work on’ trust in a relationship is a lot like having a baby to strengthen a relationship - it never works! The foundations of trust and comfort and happiness have to be there first, rather than the other way round.

The open nature of my relationship is a natural result of two people who a) totally trust each other b) aren’t sexually jealous c) have clearly communicated boundaries. Neither of us had to ‘wrestle’ with anxiety or jealousy and if that had been the case for either of us it would have been shut down IMMEDIATELY. Because that’s what respectful, caring and trusting communication looks like.

In a nutshell, you KNOW on a very deep and primal level if you are ok with this or not. Listen to that inner voice.

Op when you say there is a significant age gap , what is the gap and are you the older one?

So he is dictating set days for your relationship which he has set in stone - what would happen if you wanted to see a friend, go for drinks with a work colleague on one of these days?
It sounds manipulative and controlling.

You don't have to share someone for a relationship to be meaningful and not full time.

This just seems all backwards and I don’t know why he is agreeing to it either

He needs to date other poly women and not women who are trying to be poly to keep him in their life

You can’t suddenly become poly to fit in with him, you can’t even learn to be poly if it goes against all your instincts - which are screaming at you by the way. You choose to be poly for your own reasons - not the reasons of another person!

He’s going to have sex with this other woman regardless of your approval. It’s just window dressing.

You're at different stages and have different life visions does not give him license to find k around whilst helping you 'work through it '. Plenty of people enter loving , loyal relationships knowing full well they are at different life stages . They have an open mind regarding the outcome with a 'see how it goes approach ' whilst enjoying their present moments together. This dynamic really need not involve you sharing your partner when you come across as so upset about it . If you are still raw from trauma it is disgusting and reckless for him to even consider putting you through this .

If you're insecure and have escaped abusive relationships, then for the love of God avoid any man who advertises himself to the general female population as "poly". "Poly" men seeking non-"poly" women for good poly times are not going to be the cream of the poly crop - who would be seeking out poly women, wouldn't they?

These guys hunting out vulnerable women and calling themselves "poly" will be abusers using jargon to fuck with your head. Plenty of them in online dating. Avoid.

I'll go further and say I bet a lot of these guys claiming to be "poly" but seeking out non poly women, do so in order that THEY can see anyone they want, knowing that their gf probably won't. Which is what they want, the cheeky, cake eating, gaslighting bastards that they are.

Again, if he was poly, he would be with poly. Not a vulnerable single-partner woman.

What part of being a loyal partner to someone who has casual/serious relationships with other women is attractive to you?

You're not poly, you're just dating someone who (apparently) is.

OP you’re talking like a poly relationship is the ‘norm’ and you need to work on yourself in order to take part. The opposite is true. I don’t judge people in poly/open relationships; each to their own, but I know I couldn’t do it. I would be jealous and insecure and those are natural feelings to have when you have feelings for someone. If you had it in you, you wouldn’t be struggling with it.
I may be completely off the mark here, so forgive me if I am, but you come across as settling for what you can get with this man. If you were secure in yourself and confident in setting boundaries, you’d be walking away from this relationship.
Final point, you can’t fix old wounds through other people. Especially not in this scenario, it’s a recipe for disaster and I feel like you’ll come out feeling worse than before you got involved. Therapy is what you need for your old wounds.

Apologies for the cross post. Hadn’t RTFT. From what I see, you’re getting unanimous responses OP and I’m not the only one who picked up on the feeling you’re settling because you want a relationship, despite your protests of otherwise. You should take note of that and be honest with yourself.

@knitfastdiewarm summed it up. In my opinion that is;
You are not happy therefore it is 'wrong for you'. That is enough to decide.
Like she and others say it is time for you to move on.
There is no need for you or any of us to go a hard and difficult route towards a relationship that will suit.

I know a ot of you say I'm not ready, but I am. I'm good today. Have put him back in his drawer in my head, on your advice somewhat downgraded the relationship, but I have more to lose if I cut him loose than if I play along for a while. It was never a forever thing. I have achieved all my relationship goals in life at least once; I have been married, have lived with a guy for years, have had children. Yes, I am the older one, by over a decade.

He meets my needs with what I have in mind currently. It may change in the future. Like I said, I was after coping strategies for days the green monster took over. But I am actually good now.

This isn’t the right relationship for you OP

If you can genuinely keep your expectations low, to just having him as an occasional lover, then that might work.

But don't try to be someone you're not, for a man or a relationship.

but I have more to lose if I cut him loose than if I play along for a while. It was never a forever thing. I have achieved all my relationship goals in life at least once; I have been married, have lived with a guy for years, have had children.
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You have nothing to lose over a provider of dick.

It sounds like you haven't achieved relationship goals either if your past long term relationship/s were traumatic . It sounds like you are still searching and are now being badly miss- sold.

The fact that you are older makes you more and not less vulnerable .

"We have talked at length how a potential primary partner would affect our relationship. The answer is, they wouldn't."

^^This is a big problem. When he meets his primary partner it absolutely will affect your relationship with him. Denying that is very naive. If he says it won't, he's either gaslighting you or utterly oblivious.

This naïveté, together with your comments about a history of abuse, and the fact that you think jealousy is a normal and natural part of an open relationship are all the reasons why this is the worst possible thing for you. The problem is, you're so conditioned just to accept what you're given is that you insist it's fine and it's right for you.

Unfortunately, you're only open to hearing comments that tell you this is OK. This won't end well and most of us here can see that even if you can't, but I wish you all the best.

The guy had benn upfront and honest about it, yet pp insist he must be manipulative.

What I really wonder, is how he'll find a primary partner to marry and have kids who will accept this set up.

I suppose if he specifically signs up to a poly website he could find a match...but otherwise what woman would get married, have kids with a man and be home looking after the kids, while he's off out and sleeping with his secondary partner (aka you) and be happy with it?

@SandyY2K

Yes another poly woman may be fine with this as they also want this too

What I really wonder, is how he'll find a primary partner to marry and have kids who will accept this set up.

To be honest, together with some other quite severe everyday annoyances, I have wondered that, too. Not so much the primary partner thing as such, but the baby stage of having children as well as the everyday life things which are a big part of not moving in with him for me, even if I ever had any intention of living with another adult again.

But yes @SandyY2K, no manipulation. The guy is very honest, often too honest.

If you are as into it as you now claim, I don't think you would've made a thread about it.

And I am the one putting the brakes on seeing each other too much, partially because I am fully aware that any extra time we see each other at the moment may be taken away once another woman comes into the picture and takes the primary space.

If this was a relationship where you were the priority and knew you were going to continue to be, then you wouldn't have to do this.

This thread is making me a bit queasy.

You don't have to live with all this anxiety and discomfort.

As i said above, i’ve been in an open marriage for years now and they really, really aren’t a normal part of poly relationships

I agree with @KnitFastDieWarm , I was in an openish relationship (not the one I mentioned earlier, a different one, where in theory we would shag other people together. In theory we were on the same page from the start. Neither of us had much of a problem with it. Problems came up now and again as we went along, as they do in life, but neither of us struggled with the concept of what we wanted to do at the start. I would even express my 'gay' side in town by myself or he could his, and we had no issues with that at all.

If you are still raw from trauma it is disgusting and reckless for him to even consider putting you through this .

I think I agree with this too- it's brutal. He sees your soul experiencing pain and his answer is to plan to f*ck other people in front of it.

I have achieved all my relationship goals in life at least once

Goals don't work that way. That you achieved different relationship goals once doesn't mean you don't have relationship goals (and not what this guy is proposing now) just different ones.

I think I want the same as you do now if you're honest with yourself- when I eventually meet the right guy I wouldn't want to live with someone but I wouldn't want to be their secondary f*ckhole either.

He meets my needs with what I have in mind currently

But when he gets a different 'primary partner' who isn't you, he won't.

I'll probably keep replying sometimes lol but this thread is depressing. Why should you be the one experiencing all this anxiety etc? You can bet none of it is keeping him awake at night or on his mind at all. He has you (ker-ching!) Now he can line up someone else or more and be living his best life.