Polyamory and emotions

[Orcsies]

Long time lurker, first time poster - please go easy on me.

I have recently (a few months ago, known him for longer) entered into a relationship with a polyamorous man. He was very upfront about the way he conducts his relationships and even though I am currently his only partner, for many reasons more to do with my own situation I am a secondary partner - we do not and have no plans to live together, have children, buy a house etc., but we have a commitment to each other in terms of time spent together, emotional support, sharing, feelings.

It has now come to the point whereby he will very likely soon spend the night with someone else. Again, we have spoken about this and logically I am fine with this - it is just sex and even if there were more to it (which he would definitely tell me - an important part of this kind of relationship is constant communication) I am under no threat from her with regards to his emotions or his commitment to me. I have a key to his house and I have met his family. He is a good man.

That is the logical part.
Here is my issue. This is my first polyamorous relationship. I have in the past gone through a lot of abuse in other relationships and have subsequently developed a fair few insecurities. I know that these insecurities are my own issue and I can trace each one back to its origins. My partner is supportive and reassuring whenever we discuss my feelings (something very new and unusual for me).

I know that, with time and a lot of work on my part, I will be okay - not only with him having sex outside of the relationship, but also when the time comes for him to take on other partners. Of course, I have the same rights.

But in the meantime, I do not yet have the time to develop those securities before he will sleep with this woman. I don't want to make him wait - after all, my issues are deep-rooted and will take many months if not years and I knew what I signed myself up for.

So I need strategies: strategies to become secure enough in myself and to overcome my feelings of jealousy and anxiety around the whole thing. Any thoughts on this, experiences and help greatly appreciated.

So, his view of polyamory includes not only multiple loving relationships, but also casual sex with others? Are you planning to have regular STD tests?

So many women in abusive relationships spend time believing that if they can change their behaviour or needs then things will work. How is this different?

We have discussed protection, yes, including regular testing.

How is it different? For me, the change will be a positive one. It is one I am willing to make, not just for the relationship, but mainly for myself. I don't change my thought patterns, they already follow a poly mindset anyway, even if I'm not sure I want to invest in another relationship for myself. What I need to deal with are the emotions that go with it. Jealousy is irrational in this case. I don't envy time I don't have to give anyway, nor should I feel threatened in my position. He is making it very clear that nothing changes for me. The anxiety has roots in my past, nothing to do with him.

Jealousy is not irrational. It is there to tell you how you feel about someone. And its telling you you dont want to share him. If you feel a certain way about something, you have every right to feel that way. Because they are YOUR feelings.

I get it that you think that you can do this. But your own feelings are telling you otherwise. You arent wrong to feel that way. You dont have to 'fix' it.

What if you don't get used to his lifestyle choices in time? But by then you are too attached to him to walk away. To me it feels like you are just accepting scraps.

He sounds like a pleasant enough fella. But op please dont think that your feelings are wrong or purely as a result of your past. They are perfectly normal feeling to have when someone you like, might like someone else. And I dont think it sounds like a nice way to live, not knowing when you will have to feel this way in future.

Nor do I think it's something you can work through.

I've never known a happy polyamorous couple. I've only ever known couples where one partner is "filling their boots" so to speak and the other doesn't feel good about it. Also never known a poly couple that didn't break up.

@Orcsies

We have discussed protection, yes, including regular testing.

How is it different? For me, the change will be a positive one. It is one I am willing to make, not just for the relationship, but mainly for myself. I don't change my thought patterns, they already follow a poly mindset anyway, even if I'm not sure I want to invest in another relationship for myself. What I need to deal with are the emotions that go with it. Jealousy is irrational in this case. I don't envy time I don't have to give anyway, nor should I feel threatened in my position. He is making it very clear that nothing changes for me. The anxiety has roots in my past, nothing to do with him.

It sounds like you're trying hard to convince yourself of this. It is to do with him, he's going to sleep with someone else. That would trigger the vast majority of people who were coupled up. You say you're not threatened by this woman but you also say you're more like a secondary partner to this man. It's likely he will find a primary partner at some point. Therefore anyone that comes into this situation is a threat if he prefers them over you and you have to take a backseat in terms of his time and attention, and you're not OK with that.

I'd probably be classed as my DP's secondary partner as we don't live together either and don't have plans to any time soon. But if he started dating someone else or sleeping with someone else I'd be very anxious and heartsick just like you.

You're normal.

When you try to make your thoughts fight with your feelings, and those feelings are perfectly fine and normal, you lose.

You're basically trying to make the back of your brain fight with the front of your brain. Why not just find a relationship that makes you happy?

If it bothers you then it's not a good fit for you. And it clearly does bother you! You can try to convince yourself you're 'important' to him till the cows come home. But the bottom line is you're stating you're a 'secondary partner' due to whatever reasons you can't be a 'primary'. You might have a house key, you may have met his family. But he's still looking to put his penis inside another woman's vagina, and you're not comfortable with that. There is no reason on earth that you should 'convince' yourself that you are okay with that when you clearly aren't! Yes, he's into poly relationships, yay for him! You are clearly not, and will only end up with your heartache.

I have heard this book is quite good, it may help with short term strategies. The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships.

Maybe I'm over simplifying it but surely a secondary relationship will only be successful if it's the secondary for both parties?

If you're trying to live with your primary having you as a secondary you're both seeing the relationship different emotionally.

I think you need to find yourself a primary rather than try cope with this

@WitchSerafina

I have heard this book is quite good, it may help with short term strategies. The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships.

Aka how to twist yourself into a pretzel convincing yourself you aren't jealous when you are.

It sounds to me like you are tying yourself in knots trying to make this work for you, when it just doesn't. I think this could make you very unhappy, I know it would make me miserable, no matter how much you may try and justify it to yourself.

I have no patience with ployamory. None at all. It's just a name for screwing around.

Fine if you want to have sex with lots of people....go for it, but don't say you're in a relationship with someone. Not YOU OP but the people who call themselves "poly" why can't they just say they like sex with lots of people and don't want a relationship?

It's just lots of fuck buddies (horrible expression but true)

Nice to have people who you can sleep with and have a chat/laugh with too but it's not a relationship and you should not by the sound of it be getting mixed up in this type of thing.

Your jealousy is NORMAL because you're hardwired to be in a committed relationship.

Why put yourself through this shit?

I know that, with time and a lot of work on my part, I will be okay...But in the meantime, I do not yet have the time to develop those securities before he will sleep with this woman.

This is not an equally balanced arrangement. While he is happily setting up his sexual structure and filling the Primary, Secondary and FBuddy slots, you are turning yourself inside out trying to “overcome” your natural anxiety and distress.

From what I have observed, these circumstances are a recipe for disaster for the person who forces herself/himself to be ‘cool’ with the set-up. I fear you will become diminished beyond recognition.

If poly is what’s for you, it wouldn’t cause this angst.

Sort of Been there done that got the t shirt. I loved it, at the time, it suited me - Couple of FWB basically for the sex - but after a time I found it didn’t work for me and I’m now in a monogamous relationship.

I’ve never seen a poly relationship work long term where there are kids on one side or another.

To be honest lots of people enter a relationship both knowing they don't want to live together or have children. And that works out just fine if it's what they both want. Not many people enter a relationship thinking 'well we'll fuck other people and not be worried about it!'. Seriously ask yourself if you want to be 'secondary' having sex, giving/receiving oral, knowing he might be comparing the two of you? Why would you settle for being a shag when you could be someone's everything? There's nothing wrong with not being 'exclusive', but I think long term it'll kill your self esteem. There's a world apart from having an open relationship,to a non heavily invested one.

@MsDogLady

I know that, with time and a lot of work on my part, I will be okay...But in the meantime, I do not yet have the time to develop those securities before he will sleep with this woman.

This is not an equally balanced arrangement. While he is happily setting up his sexual structure and filling the Primary, Secondary and FBuddy slots, you are turning yourself inside out trying to “overcome” your natural anxiety and distress.

From what I have observed, these circumstances are a recipe for disaster for the person who forces herself/himself to be ‘cool’ with the set-up. I fear you will become diminished beyond recognition.

Yep. Also, why would you be up for doing "a lot of work" in order for him to be able to sleep around?

Seems like he's getting all the benefits of fun times with other women while you're saddled with a bunch of horrible emotions to process and anxiety to live with.

Most of the men I've known who are polyamorous have an avoidant attachment style. They don't want to commit to others in any meaningful way and this lifestyle is a way to keep their partners at arm's length. People who behave in that way make their partners anxious (avoidant & anxious attachment styles are drawn to one another.)

I don't predict this ending well for you.

Op, all this the issues are mine nonsense. You’re seeing a bloke and he’s shagging other people. That’s it in a nutshell. Most people, Male or female would have issues with this and feel the same as you,

You can dress it up any way you wish, label it what you will, but that’s it, and if you struggle with him screwing around, how will you cope when he has what you call a primary relationship? A main partner.

Be honest with yourself deep down. Stop tying yourself in knots with all the I am not threatened by her stuff, this man can choose to be monogamous if and when he chooses, he chooses not to. It’s not ever going to make you happy. Move on and find someone who wants to be with just you,

You don’t sound polyamorous. You sound like you’re desperately trying to be the woke cool girl. What if he sleeps with this girl & announces they have a great connection & she will be his primary partner now? How would that make you feel?

I remember watching a polygamous relationships where the man in question had 1 wife and 2 gfs and numberous children, it was grim the women rearing the children from each unit. They are fighting for crumbs of attention from this man who didnt give a shit and happy to sow his wild oats. Each partner sat there waiting for their turn their night. It was disturbing watch how toxic their relationships were.

Oh and it was always the man screwing around in the 'polygamous' relationships rarely the women.

Agree, the programs I have seen always portray it the same way, one man, many women, who tend to be envious of each other, grit their teeth and get on with it, and hang around waiting for their turn with him.

Seldom do you see it one women with many blokes. Although you do see it, i doubt its the most common dynamic.

@KnitFastDieWarm

I’m in a very happy and stable non-monogamous relationship. in my experience you either are ok with it (on a real gut level) or you aren’t - it’s almost like a sexual orientation, it’s part of your intrinsic makeup. You can’t (and shouldn’t) try and MAKE yourself ok with it to seem ‘accepting’.

Go and find a nice man who wants what you want. Don’t change or compromise yourself for anyone!

I think this best sums up the situation.

@Bluntness100

Agree, the programs I have seen always portray it the same way, one man, many women, who tend to be envious of each other, grit their teeth and get on with it, and hang around waiting for their turn with him.

Seldom do you see it one women with many blokes. Although you do see it, i doubt its the most common dynamic.

I was the one woman Many men.

Just, despite what you think, it isn’t always one man with many wives.