Polyamory and emotions

[Orcsies]

Long time lurker, first time poster - please go easy on me.

I have recently (a few months ago, known him for longer) entered into a relationship with a polyamorous man. He was very upfront about the way he conducts his relationships and even though I am currently his only partner, for many reasons more to do with my own situation I am a secondary partner - we do not and have no plans to live together, have children, buy a house etc., but we have a commitment to each other in terms of time spent together, emotional support, sharing, feelings.

It has now come to the point whereby he will very likely soon spend the night with someone else. Again, we have spoken about this and logically I am fine with this - it is just sex and even if there were more to it (which he would definitely tell me - an important part of this kind of relationship is constant communication) I am under no threat from her with regards to his emotions or his commitment to me. I have a key to his house and I have met his family. He is a good man.

That is the logical part.
Here is my issue. This is my first polyamorous relationship. I have in the past gone through a lot of abuse in other relationships and have subsequently developed a fair few insecurities. I know that these insecurities are my own issue and I can trace each one back to its origins. My partner is supportive and reassuring whenever we discuss my feelings (something very new and unusual for me).

I know that, with time and a lot of work on my part, I will be okay - not only with him having sex outside of the relationship, but also when the time comes for him to take on other partners. Of course, I have the same rights.

But in the meantime, I do not yet have the time to develop those securities before he will sleep with this woman. I don't want to make him wait - after all, my issues are deep-rooted and will take many months if not years and I knew what I signed myself up for.

So I need strategies: strategies to become secure enough in myself and to overcome my feelings of jealousy and anxiety around the whole thing. Any thoughts on this, experiences and help greatly appreciated.

have to say that even if I were ok with my partner having other relationships, I would never in a Million Years decide to have children with a man who is so inflexible in his schedule

I’m glad youve found someone who talks to you, cares about you and makes you feel valued and there, after all you have been through.

But thats a Really really normal baseline to expect. I realise you havent felt that for a long time but it is.

Just because he’s not as bad as the others doesnt mean he is right. This is a transition relationship with a doubtlessly pretty good man in many ways, who wants a different life to you- a great stepping stone into healthy expectations of kind and awoken behaviour. A good healing and learning experience of what it is like to experience emotional attention and care.

But its not as easy at that. One man doesnt just come along and wipe out the behaviours and feelings youve learned and he doesnt have to be your saviour. You are strong but still on a journey! Yay! Dont let your standards and circumstances make you feel like you have to compromise so much- thats an old abused mindset “i made one small stand about not living with him and he didn't snarl or gaslight or hit me like I normally am worth so he must be an angel and everything that follows is both my fault and my lot”

He was good For a bit, now he doesnt work for you. Ease yourself out to the next relationship and look for his best qualities in it. You cant fake a lack of jealousy and you dont need to.

OP does this man have Asperger's? That's level of regimented repetition and routine is NOT normal.

You're clearly going to do what you want to do and I suspect people advising you against it will just make you more defensive about him.

There's so much angst. So much drama. And you've been together 6 months? Crazy.

Get yourself a good vibrator, the only stress that will ever give you is the battery running out.

OP what do you get from the relationship?

@ladamanera I think you have this down to a tee by referring to it as a transition relationship with everything you have described. But that part is not over yet, I can get more out of this.

To a PP, never tested, but we both show strong autistic traits.

What do I get out? Someone who thinks of me a lot, cares, holds me when I fall apart (he has guided me through several panic attacks), who shows love and trust in a way i have never experienced and who is fun to spend time with. Also, great sex. He sees my value as a person, he is just very aware that one partner cannot and will not ever fulfill everything he needs.

he is just very aware that one partner cannot and will not ever fulfill everything he needs.

Ugh, a partner isn't supposed to satisfy every need, and people are not pick'n'mix. What utter bullshit.

Sounds like hell.
Relationships should not be this hard. They should not require this much work - especially when you are the only one doing all the work while he gets to fuck about.

*To be honest, together with some other quite severe everyday annoyances, I have wondered that, too. Not so much the primary partner thing as such, but the baby stage of having children?

I absolutely agree with you. I mean even if you were a poly woman...being at home with a baby and seeing your husband go out with his secondary woman is bound to cause issues.

I don't know how he truly expects that his relationship with you would not change in those circumstances.

Whilst his wife may also be free to see other men...what's the chances that she'll be interested in that while she's pregnant .just had a baby and during the infant stage.

Do you think he really understands everything involved I having children? The sleepless nights...crying...teething stages etc.

Perhaps if they were super rich and had a live in nanny to do the bulk of the childcare and his wife was free to relax then it works be more of an equal relationship.

If he find a woman and it works for both of them...then that's fine... but it doesn't really seen too be your thing OP...or you wouldn't be questioning it.

Would a FWB suit you better? Or a relationship with someone who equally didn't want the commitment of living together perhaps.

As someone having an affair, I would not put myself through the mental hoops you are. God. And I do have to share my partner...

You can't train yourself not to feel!

Get out op. This isn't going to end well . You are far better of to see psychological help first. To get your life and insecurities dealt with. Then, after all that, you go back looking for a man. This man right now is 'good' for you, as he listens and offers you support, but he will also sleep with other women and crush you. This will end up doing moreharm then good.

he is just very aware that one partner cannot and will not ever fulfill everything he needs.

Sorry to harp on, but I think it bears me explaining what I feel is wrong with this. A relationship isn't supposed to answer every question and fit every hole - a person should be able to do that for themselves, to do the work for themselves, and a relationship is icing on the cake, a lovely addition.

It's externalising and putting the responsibility to meet so-called needs on another person. One person can't (and shouldn't) be everything to another, it's unhealthy.

And it's just as unhealthy to externalise and expect multiple lovers to do that for you.

Your relationship is only a few months old. He is barely even a boyfriend yet let alone a partner of any sort. Slow down. Also he is completely deluded if he thinks he can be have a committed primary relationship with a woman, set up a home, have a child and still do a day's hobby on a specific day "because it was first", let alone see you or another "secondary partner' and hold down a job. A child deserves to be prioritised over any other fun committment and a good father is selfless and present.
Suggest you reframe your thinking to reflect reality. He's a fun, sexy man you are spending time with but whose priorities and goals are not shared so it's a fun fling with no commitment, sexual, emotional or long term expectations. Sounds like a brief romance or FWB. Neither of which are bad and can bring a lot of fun so long as you stay detached.

I spent 8 years within this type of relationship, I can honestly say it was the worst mistake of my life. I really believe people are either wired this way or not, if you are struggling with this and your emotions now, you always will and the closer you get to him the worse it will become.

I have nothing against poly relationships and have known a few couples who navigate it successfully but if you are experiencing anxiety, jealousy and insecurity now (after only a few months) then I can guarantee these feelings will only intensify through time. The people I knew who were happy in these types of relationships didn't really experience jealousy (including my ex) and found it very hard to understand the struggles I had.

It was different for me I suppose as I was the primary relationship, I spent many lonely nights trying not to think about what he was doing and who is was with, this sadly led me to a very unhealthy relationship with vodka and my mental health suffered very badly.

However, my initially amazing caring partner insidiously turned into a selfish, narcissist who would literally have sex with anyone, the hours he spent looking for new relationships and encounters took a huge toll.

I've been free of it for 3 years now but know I have a lot of issues I still have to work through because of the damage it did to me.

All I can say is educate yourself, there is a lot of information out there but if it impacts on your mental health and self worth....run a mile - poly doesn't suit everyone.

Bloody hell it sounds tedious having to talk endlessly with this egotistical twat on set days and shag him while he's on fabswingers desperately looking for his next "primary partner". He doesn't respect you. He sounds utterly tedious and you're trying yourself into knots trying to justify why he's a good fit

He sees my value as a person, he is just very aware that one partner cannot and will not ever fulfill everything he needs.

Jesus wept.

He sees my value as a person, he is just very aware that one partner cannot and will not ever fulfill everything he needs.

You're defining the relationship by his wants and needs, then trying to adapt yours so that you can keep seeing him and play along with the roles you've now agreed.

The fact is HE doesn't meet your basic needs, one of which is to facilitate a relationship (with you) that helps you feel safe secure and not anxious - that is especially important as you've been in an abusive relationship.

You don't feel safe secure and not anxious because you're already concerned about jealousy and insecurity.

This is not a healthy relationship for you. Poly works for some people, but even those it works for would agree it works healthily for a very small percentage of people. And that small percentage of people who can have healthy poly relationships is unlikely to include people who have already suffered abuse as it requires iron clad boundaries and the ability to, at least to an extent, compartmentalise.

This is going to damage your mental health. Nobody is worth that.

He sees my value as a person, he is just very aware that one partner cannot and will not ever fulfill everything he needs.

Bleagh, i wouldn’t touch him with a bargepole. There’s a reason he’s dating someone monogamous and trying to to persuade them into nonmonogamy - women who have experience in this scene and good boundaries (i.e. me) would tell him to fuck right off with this kind of egocentric pompous nonsense, and rightly so.

I tried a poly relationship and it didn't work for me. I am just not wired that way. I was fine with the sex, but when I realised he also loved the other woman, I struggled. Because many poly relationships are about relationships with multiple people, not just sex.

Interestingly in my case, he got jealous when I had a girlfriend, which had never happened to him before and we did discuss trying monogamy. But the truth is I knew it would make him unhappy and I was unhappy with sharing. So we split.

I think for it to work well both of you have to be on the same page. It doesn't mean there won't be occasional jealousy and some do have primary partners, which can cause issues too. But if you are going to find it painful seeing him fall for someone else, walk away now

I tried a poly relationship and it didn't work for me. I am just not wired that way. I was fine with the sex, but when I realised he also loved the other woman, I struggled.

Yeah, there’s definitely a BIG difference between being polyamorous and being nonmonogamous. I’m very much the latter - my love is for my DH alone and vice verse. No one else comes close, he’s pretty good really

It’s very important to have the difference clear in your mind (and discussed thoroughly with your partner) in any relationship like this.

preferring monogamy doesnt mean youve got deep seated issues. We are a species that tends to partner mostly exclusively to one person at a time. We are not the only species that do this. We dont always mate for life, but not far off. There is a lot of really normal and fine stuff that hes trying to get you to unpick as if its a problem with you.

Im sure hes nice enough, but poly really isnt for everyone.
I mean, its definitely a thing, and theres loads of people out there who have affairs and I just think, god, stop forcing yourself to pretend you can do monogamy.

Ive thought about poly a few times over my life. Im not against it, but I think theres a hell of a lot of creeps out there who just want to fuck about and theyre so enlightened and pretentious that they think that anyone who gets jealous in these situations has issues that need fixing. Usually the womens issues. The blokes issues are obviously not as silly and in need of fixing. Its manipulative and its not true. The chances are that its actually them that have attachment issues and commitment issues

Honest, if not too honest

Yeah, my ex pretended that too. He would come out with something unhelpful sometimes, maybe as part of the fake honesty. The claiming he never lied was to deflect from the fact that he lied every day of his life.

He sees my value as a person, he is just very aware that one partner cannot and will not ever fulfill everything he needs.

Why not? Unless there's some niche sexual interest you aren't up for, I think if he genuinely valued you as much as the average man seeing someone, he wouldn't feel the need to use you as a 'secondary partner.' I find that concept repellent BTW.

And of course when he gets a primary partner it'll effect how much time he spends with you, attention etc- they'll be his primary partner.

But you seem determined to go for it/accept the idea so...

Feel free to come back to update us when you get irritated etc by it.

I think you are right with the frying pan into the fire situation. I have just called him and asked him to stay mono with me for a few months, with a definitive end. It will allow me to sort my head out from my marriage, get some sense of normality back once I am back at work (this lockdown situation really hasn't helped; I have had far too much time with my own thoughts) and also, I have to admit, as a test. He told me a few times that sex isn't particularly important and another few that the most he and that woman would be woukd be FWB. So I would have thought the choice is fairly simple if he really does love me.
He has his own concerns (I suppose about what will change in a few months, but I know that once I'm back to being myself I will be fine and far less insecure; I am normally extremely confident) and said he'll think about it and let me know. Not what I had hoped for, but I know to draw my own consequences if the answer is no. Because, as you pointed out, if he can't wait a few months, then it's not love. And I can't be arsed with someone who just talks the talk.

I'm sorry but you yourself aren't poly though are you?

You're just compromising your own wants and needs to fulfil your partners lifestyle.

My advice to you is to find a man who wants the same as you do. You will be much happier.

I think you have been wise, if your happiness is paramount to him then foregoing some casual FWB sex is an easy ask. My partner and I swing with the overarching ground rule that either one of us can veto anything, anyone at any time no matter how far things have progressed. His happiness and security outweigh any momentary thrill. This isn't a theoretical veto as we both have used it over the years. His reticence to drop his pursuit isn't boding well sorry. fingers crossed he will put your needs above his own wants.

I wouldn't fall for the key to his house and meeting his family.

My ex was polyamorous. I met his mum and step dad, stayed often etc etc. No key, though. Anyway, what I learnt was that his mum understood his way of life and would welcome every woman of his into their home (he still lived with his mum). She was good at keeping secrets for him. So me meeting his mum and SD meant nothing when it came to commitment.

I hope your situation works out for you.