Polyamory and emotions

[Orcsies]

Long time lurker, first time poster - please go easy on me.

I have recently (a few months ago, known him for longer) entered into a relationship with a polyamorous man. He was very upfront about the way he conducts his relationships and even though I am currently his only partner, for many reasons more to do with my own situation I am a secondary partner - we do not and have no plans to live together, have children, buy a house etc., but we have a commitment to each other in terms of time spent together, emotional support, sharing, feelings.

It has now come to the point whereby he will very likely soon spend the night with someone else. Again, we have spoken about this and logically I am fine with this - it is just sex and even if there were more to it (which he would definitely tell me - an important part of this kind of relationship is constant communication) I am under no threat from her with regards to his emotions or his commitment to me. I have a key to his house and I have met his family. He is a good man.

That is the logical part.
Here is my issue. This is my first polyamorous relationship. I have in the past gone through a lot of abuse in other relationships and have subsequently developed a fair few insecurities. I know that these insecurities are my own issue and I can trace each one back to its origins. My partner is supportive and reassuring whenever we discuss my feelings (something very new and unusual for me).

I know that, with time and a lot of work on my part, I will be okay - not only with him having sex outside of the relationship, but also when the time comes for him to take on other partners. Of course, I have the same rights.

But in the meantime, I do not yet have the time to develop those securities before he will sleep with this woman. I don't want to make him wait - after all, my issues are deep-rooted and will take many months if not years and I knew what I signed myself up for.

So I need strategies: strategies to become secure enough in myself and to overcome my feelings of jealousy and anxiety around the whole thing. Any thoughts on this, experiences and help greatly appreciated.

This is really sad reading. I hope you either find the strength to be alone and work out what you want in your life, or you find a relationship which does not involve other women as a condition. I am afraid you sound quite vulnerable and there is so much angst and discussion already a few months in, that I cannot see how that is healthy. I am so sorry for not being able to give more constructI’ve advice . He sounds like a sh*t, to be honest, who wants to have his cake and eat it.

Hi OP - you don't really sound fully ready for what poly really is. I've skimmed all of your posts and while there is a lot about the security that you need in order to be with him (exclusivity, etc), there's nothing about why YOU want to be poly. It sounds like you are mainly happy to be with him and trying to be ok with the fact that he wants to have a sexually open relationship or be fully polyamorous, which means he could be in love with many people, not just you.

Why do you want to be poly? Do you have interest in falling in love with a person aside from him? Are you against monogamy? I have a few friends who in open marriages, I've been in an open relationship and one of my best friends used to be poly (now just open sexually)- they've never been in a monogamous relationship. Most people are into this kind of lifestyle because they fundamentally don't believe in monogamy. For me I only had one open relationship - it was a very particular time in my life and I didn't want to be tied down, so knew that I couldn't ask the same of my bf at the time. We had rules and didn't really discuss our other partners, used lots of protection!

What I'm trying to say is, unless you are against monogamy, have desire to have multiple partners and love interests, then I don't really understand what is in this current situation for you - I think being with someone who is out exploring sexually and you being monogamous to them will hurt you. Try to be honest with yourself - you sound like you really love this man, but he might not be able to give you everything you need from him.

I don't think jealousy is normal for everybody.

For those it is normal for, however, it can be overwhelming and therefore impossible to imagine not feeling it.

For me good sex - brilliant sex - is incredibly important. But my sense of identity isn't tied into my partner only ever loving me, or having sex with me.

Likewise I can love more than one person deeply at a time.

Saying all that, for me there are two practical issues. The first is STDs/safe sex. That increased risk, even with proper condom use, I find really hard to deal with. Almost impossible in fact. But if there were no STDs in the world, I'd have no problem!

The second is the sharing of time, although that can at least be discussed and solutions looked at. It's hard to find enough hours in the day to fit in the types of relationships I like, combined with time alone, time mothering, housework and actual work!!

You say he says this woman is just for sex. But you know he wants a 'primary partner' (barf) in future and that will be more than sex, and will be a more serious relationship than what he has with you. You are expected to put up with that.

I understand that there is where the definitions may differ. Secondary, by definition, just means ot live-in and no prospect of marriage and/or kids. But that was MY choice, not his. He will get those aspects from someone else, because I cannot and am not willing to provide this. That doesn't make me less important, but means we do spend less time together than primaries, which suits me just fine.

By leaving when you asked for time, that was like a 'mock execution.' He didn't leave, though. He asked for time to consider and took a lot less time than he originally said. Part of the consideration were the feelings of his friend, too. Which just makes him a decent person in my eyes, because he does not want to toy with either of us.

because any other relationship he's having puts your relationship at risk. He could decide he prefers that partner, wants to spend more time with her. That's not how this works, though. While we spend a lot more time together at the moment than our set-in-stone days, that is just a summer thing and will disappear once things are back to normal. I will have my days and nights as agreed. Yes, we might see each other less than now, but that was a bonus anyway.

He is definitely actively seeking my company, is still there when I need to talk (which, owing to other issues, I do, on occasion. I don't ask, he just senses it and calls me for a few hours). He has not brought this back up or tried to guilt-trip me. I trust he meant it.

In turn, I feel a lot better equipped in being part of a poly relationship. He is not just poly by word, but also by character. And yes, I can live with that and embrace the freedoms.

@workhomesleeprepeat I am not against monogamy, but I have lived long enough and seen enough not to believe in it. In any long-term relationship I have been in, I wanted more/ others, too, after a period of about 3 years. I believe being sexually open is an advantage, even if I'm not sure that polyamory is my style. But then, two partners can have different rules (maybe I only need one partner and have a few flings, rather than fully-fledged relationships, which we wants, but that is okay by me).

What is in it for me for now is that I have found a man who is good to me and for me. I have fun, feel desired, feel needed. He shows me new things, makes me laugh a lot and takes me out of my comfort zone.

But yes, safe sex is an issue, which we have discussed at length. I have enough health issues to know I don't need an STD on top, but we both employ a test and one-at-a-time policy with regard to non-condom sex.

Time is definitely discussed in detail and we are both happy with our current arrangement.

What was the occasion? In what way could he have taken advantage? She was in a mono relationship and wanted to sleep with him. He said no, because she was in a mono relationship, even though he clearly still desires her. If she'd broken up with him there and then he would have, but because she didn't he didn't sleep with her, out of respect for her partner.

Being honest, I think he's probably already had his shag with the other lady and now he's stringing you along a bit longer.
I wish you luck OP because I think you're going to need it.

@Orcsies thanks for responding! I think so long as you might know that poly life isn't for you, and you don't 'force' it on yourself you'll be fine. Continue to communicate a lot. What I would say is if the mechanics of the relationship start to weigh heavily, then do consider that it may not be for you. Relationships take work of course, but some things should be easy, and if you're not finding poly life easy in future, its not a failure to admit it.

Being honest, I think he's probably already had his shag with the other lady and now he's stringing you along a bit longer.

Yes, they have shagged, for a few years. She is his ex. They also has a few non-committal shargs since.

We are not being strung along. I know that he doesn't consider a relationship with her; she is an ex for a reason, but the sex was good, so no reason (currently) not to continue.

What I needed is that drawer shut right now, to have the space to sort my other issues out. He is helping with that.

I don't want a mono relationship and certainly not the level of commitment and direction required of a traditional relationship. I don't want what he wants out of a primary relationship and I know that i would not want to even live with him full-time.

I don't believe in long-term monogamy as a principle and statistics would back me up on that (last I read, 71% cheating rate - that's only those who said yes). So yes, poly is for me. But I also know that it takes inner strength I need to re-build to not think someone else I better than me - just different.

@Orcsies I understand sorry I think I was misreading a bit.

@Orcsies you talk a lot about not wanting a mono relationship but also not looking to have a relationship with anyone else... that would make him poly and you mono, or did I misunderstand and you do want to have relationships with others alongside?

You are going to get your heart broken, I feel so sorry for you.

You’re so desperate to convince yourself that you’re poly and this jealousy/insecurity is irrational but the truth is you are just not poly. If you were those feelings wouldn’t be there. You’re tying yourself up in knots and it’s just so sad to watch. I really do feel for you. I hope you get some help.

When he has children are “your” days/nights with him still going to come first because he’s committed to them? They won’t, I assure you.

You come across as someone who has been incredibly hurt in the past and I know from my experience that what I needed after an abusive relationship was a lot of time and help to heal...then a relationship with someone who cherishes me and adores me as my lovely partner does now. I think you need the same, not a poly relationship that will leave your already low self esteem in tatters.

Please don't disregard all the advice given here OP.

Please ask yourself:
Why do you want a relationship right now? It comes across that you have been incredibly hurt by the recent breakdown of your abusive marriage. It sounds like you need time on your own to heal, to decide what would make you happy in your future.

How can you be sure this reaction is not a symptom of your abuse?

Why the rush into another relationship? Particularly one so complicated as this? Please take your time. There are many ways to find love, connection and happiness. That may be on your own, or with a casual partner, a more serious set up but not living together etc etc

There is no way another woman would accept the 'secondary' relationship between you (and losing you for set days every week) whilst bringing up his child and all the emotional energy and sacrifice that entails.

You may not see it but you are worth so much more than this

You betray yourself with a yes

This is not a relationship of equals.

Do you know the bit where he said he had similar with two exes and the time frame got drawn out and the relationships ended badly? And this made him wary?

When I was reflecting on this it struck me that this is kind of similar to the crazy ex - guys who are abusive always have crazy exes because the new partner obviously does not want to be the next crazy ex and so she toes the line.

It works as a warning to you not to draw the timeline out so that your relationship does not end badly.

I will have my days and nights as agreed

You don't know that though. It sounds unlikely in the long run- if/when he lives with someone or has kids, they will probably be pissed off if he's out that much. But I don't think your 'relationship' will last that long. And as a PP said, you will be very upset.

What is in it for me for now is that I have found a man who is good to me and for me. I have fun, feel desired, feel needed. He shows me new things, makes me laugh a lot and takes me out of my comfort zone.

My ex was nice when it suited him too. It got him the sex and ego strokes he wanted, and all the power in his hands because I didn't want to lose him.

You've kind of contradicted what you wrote in your OP.

I think you will hate this arrangement. Maybe the one he just wants to shag you will be able to live with, but when he gets a primary ('proper') girlfriend, I don't think you'll like it.

This type of relationship isn't for you. It's a FWB relationship. No more or less. He will be equally friendly, supportive etc with this other woman, and with as many as he can suck in.

End it for the sake of your mental wellbeing

Don’t risk your sexual health for this guy and insist on condoms ALL the time whilst you use another method too

Sounds to me like you've lost your belief in love OP. There are still men out there who will love and cherish you and you only. Listen to your feelings, what your whole self is trying to tell you. You're tying yourself up in knots is a definite sign that this isn't really what you want. If you could have ANYTHING what would that be? If you had the choice of a loving, honest relationship or this, what would you choose?

Sounds to me like you've lost your belief in love OP. There are still men out there who will love and cherish you and you only.

I have not ever had someone love me the way others seem to be. But I have come to accept that.

And now, I don't want more than I have. Just a bit of breathing space, time to collect myself before I move on to the next stage in my life. Which likely will involve him. But, having him here for a few days, i once again see why this could not work as a primary relationship. For which I wouldn't have the energy anymore anyway.

Hats off to you for even trying tbh, I must be extremely insecure. I don't judge anyone in the slightest who chooses to be in a poly relationship but I'd be terrible.

I’m not saying for a second you should have a traditional relationship but your constant rejiggling to try and be ok with all aspects of polyamory isn’t right.

You say “He also hates agreeing to something and then not fully committing, so wanted to be 100% sure he was going to stick to it. Together with some other concerns, it makes sense.”

The point is if he loved and cared for you the way he says he wouldn’t need to think about whether he could commit to it. He is supposed in a serious relationship with you, even though you aren’t a primary yet he needs time to consider whether he’s willing to wait to fuck other women? However you want to spin it, that’s not a man who instinctively puts your needs first.

You also said that when he gets a primary who lives with him and they have kids together you will still be as important. There is absolutely no way you will still be as important to him as a woman who bears him children. It’s not just about time, it’s what she and their child will mean to him compared to you. That’s fine if you accept it but you’re blindly insisting that it won’t be the case.

It sounds to me you’d be better off in an open relationship or maybe swinging. Polyamory where he will develop emotional ties to other women which as a primary will inevitably be stronger than your tie is going to leave you very hurt.

I know you don’t see it, and you’ll continue to defend him because you’re not open to the fact this isn’t right. I’m sorry. I really don’t see this ending well for you, same as most other commentators here - including those from polyamorous relationships.

Just an update. After much discussion, we have now decided that we are both best off being in a mono relationship - with each other, making me his one and only partner. To my surprise, he is looking at a lot of commitment down the line - all suggested by him, taking me and my feelings and experiences into consideration.

He is happy to just be friends with his current FWBs in order to be with me and we have had serious discussions about the practical side of things.

I'm not used to things being that simple - turns out, for him, I am pretty much ideal (not perfect, he knows my flaws well) and I give him all he needs. There may be hope after all.

But I thought you didn’t want that OP- to be his primary or monogamy?

We'll see OP. He's gone on so much about wanting to shag/go out with other people that I'm sad to say I don't think his change of heart will last.

I still think he will hurt you, unfortunately.

He sounds like he can turn on the charm. So, says he wants to be with you and you alone after months of saying he wants to shag/see other people, and you believe him.

I wouldn't trust him. xx

for him, I am pretty much ideal (not perfect, he knows my flaws well) and I give him all he needs. There may be hope after all

Heading for disaster - it's all about him and what he needs and what you can give him . Please don't be naieve enough to think you've changed a man overnight .