Polyamory and emotions

[Orcsies]

Long time lurker, first time poster - please go easy on me.

I have recently (a few months ago, known him for longer) entered into a relationship with a polyamorous man. He was very upfront about the way he conducts his relationships and even though I am currently his only partner, for many reasons more to do with my own situation I am a secondary partner - we do not and have no plans to live together, have children, buy a house etc., but we have a commitment to each other in terms of time spent together, emotional support, sharing, feelings.

It has now come to the point whereby he will very likely soon spend the night with someone else. Again, we have spoken about this and logically I am fine with this - it is just sex and even if there were more to it (which he would definitely tell me - an important part of this kind of relationship is constant communication) I am under no threat from her with regards to his emotions or his commitment to me. I have a key to his house and I have met his family. He is a good man.

That is the logical part.
Here is my issue. This is my first polyamorous relationship. I have in the past gone through a lot of abuse in other relationships and have subsequently developed a fair few insecurities. I know that these insecurities are my own issue and I can trace each one back to its origins. My partner is supportive and reassuring whenever we discuss my feelings (something very new and unusual for me).

I know that, with time and a lot of work on my part, I will be okay - not only with him having sex outside of the relationship, but also when the time comes for him to take on other partners. Of course, I have the same rights.

But in the meantime, I do not yet have the time to develop those securities before he will sleep with this woman. I don't want to make him wait - after all, my issues are deep-rooted and will take many months if not years and I knew what I signed myself up for.

So I need strategies: strategies to become secure enough in myself and to overcome my feelings of jealousy and anxiety around the whole thing. Any thoughts on this, experiences and help greatly appreciated.

His reticence to drop his pursuit isn't boding well sorry. I agree. Especially after we just talked and he clarified whether I meant sexual exclusivity or any type of potential partner. I told him it's the latter and he still wanted a few days.

When I told him I thought I had my answer then he felt like I was giving him an ultimatum, stressed he wanted time to consider and then told me to "cut that shit off".

It's getting more likely that I will hand him his keys back. It's not how I would react with a partner who has been clearly distressed with several panic attacks (with him wanting to shag her being the trigger, not the reason by a mile, before anyone starts). Cost vs benefit.

I think ultimately anyone who needs time to consider whether or not to put a loved ones feelings or their own personal carnal desires first...is a gobshite who only cares about themself.

Sigh @Bunnymumy I think you're right. It should have been straightforward. He seemed so hellbent on shagging her. He said not doing that was a little annoying (so was very obviously planning to). She is an ex of his, too, which doesn't make things any easier.

Well done OP. I know what it's maybe like- we have moments of clarity where we realize someone's a twat and they just acted in a way that wasn't ok, then we can fall back into a loved-up trance where all we can see is how we feel about them.

So, keep reminding yourself how he just acted and spoke to you and how so many things he's said/done have made you feel- anxiety, panic, disappointment etc. He will probably turn on the charm again soon, too.

@KnitFastDieWarm

I’m in a very happy and stable non-monogamous relationship. in my experience you either are ok with it (on a real gut level) or you aren’t - it’s almost like a sexual orientation, it’s part of your intrinsic makeup. You can’t (and shouldn’t) try and MAKE yourself ok with it to seem ‘accepting’.

Go and find a nice man who wants what you want. Don’t change or compromise yourself for anyone!

I totally agree with this. Either it’s for you or it isn’t. For me it works on a fundamental level, I have never had to convince myself of anything.

He's really done a number on you

Agree, 100percent. You're not broken OP, you won't take years to fix...and anyway there's no such thing as fixed. Your needs are valid. You're being gas lighted by this dick

Having boundaries is good, if he chooses to refer to your boundaries as ultimatums , that's his problem. You are telling him what you want which is healthy and the only way to go. He hasn't. Held back telling you what he wants. If the two are compatible then best move on.

He's right to be honest.

What often happens with mono-people who start going out with polyamorous partners, is that they try to play for time and say "if you just wait [until this that or the other]" - and actually they're never going to be ready, they're just hoping the poly person will come round to being mono with them.

It's far better to start out as he means to go on - otherwise you're just putting off the inevitable.

It's far better to start out as he means to go on - otherwise you're just putting off the inevitable.

That is his biggest concern. But I know myself well enough. I am currently going through a lot outside of the relatioship, which has left me incredibly vulnerable. Once I have got myself back together (which never takes longer than a few months) I'll be fine. But I need that time.

He just phoned and said while he wants to consider it more, gut instinct is yes. There is hope.

OP...I think the crux of it, its that open/poly relationships aren't for you... at least not at the moment.

It's really easy for you to say that - but you don't actually know you'll be able to cope with it down the line, and the chances are high that you will not be any more happy with polyamory in a few months time than you are now. You'll just have more time invested and be deeper into the relationship. Which then blows apart in your face when he is still wanting to shag other people.

He said yes

@category12

It's really easy for you to say that - but you don't actually know you'll be able to cope with it down the line, and the chances are high that you will not be any more happy with polyamory in a few months time than you are now. You'll just have more time invested and be deeper into the relationship. Which then blows apart in your face when he is still wanting to shag other people.

No, you see, that's not me. I am not uncomfortable with poly relationships. I am not well mentally, but I know very well I will be in a few months once I've got out of the mess my last relationship has left me in.

I do have a poly mindset (always have). I am just, momentarily, insecure.

I'm really pleased for you. Maybe set a date for reviewing it together in say 3 months which is respecting his perspective then too. You have both bought yourself time to sort out the external distractions and to get to know each other better. Enjoy.

Thank you, yes, I have, though it's 2 months. Knowing myself, that is enough time to decompress and get back to being me.

You sound very self aware. Best of luck. 👍

Thank you. He phoned her and let her know straight away. Not the detailed reasons, but the fact I'm going through a bad time and have asked for exclusivity for a while and how that is going to impact them when they meet soon. And I fully trust him on this.

Now I have the time and space to work on my issues and get myself back into a much stronger position.

I think the fact he's said yes is neither here nor there.

If he actually cared for you he would have agreed right away. He professes to be in love with you and not emotionally involved with anyone else. You say that he puts your needs first but that clearly isn't an instinctive thing for him.

If you were actually and genuinely important to him, he wouldn't need time to think whether he was willing to postpone a shag elsewhere.

I really hope you can get your head together and move on. Whatever you want from a relationship, conventional or not, you aren't going to get it from him. And while you're with him, you're being completely gaslighted into believing he is everything he says.

I genuinely feel deeply uncomfortable with everything I've read.

@ExhaustedFlamingo

I think the fact he's said yes is neither here nor there.

If he actually cared for you he would have agreed right away. He professes to be in love with you and not emotionally involved with anyone else. You say that he puts your needs first but that clearly isn't an instinctive thing for him.

If you were actually and genuinely important to him, he wouldn't need time to think whether he was willing to postpone a shag elsewhere.

I really hope you can get your head together and move on. Whatever you want from a relationship, conventional or not, you aren't going to get it from him. And while you're with him, you're being completely gaslighted into believing he is everything he says.

I genuinely feel deeply uncomfortable with everything I've read.

Sorry but I agree with this, it's really uncomfortable to read because I don't believe at all that OP is in a healthy headspace for a relationship (poly or otherwise) that's starting out on the basis that he's sacrificing something huge by not shagging other people temporarily and that you think you'll be able to heal and grow while in that dynamic. I hope it works out for you but I am very dubious about a man comfortable embarking on a poly relationship with a woman who hasn't been in one before and is still recovering from an abusive relationship. He sounds like a dick to be honest.

I agree that this was uncomfortable to read. I’d be worried that he will cheat and then try to shift blame on to the OP for not accommodating his poly desires.

This guy is so full of shit. It's really disturbing to see you here parroting the manipulative nonsense he's fed you.

You're worth more than this. I hope it doesn't take longer than two months to see it.

If he actually cared for you he would have agreed right away. You say that he puts your needs first but that clearly isn't an instinctive thing for him.

I would have agreed fully until he qualified it for me. He has had two relationships in the past (both not with good endings, even though he is normally on good terms with exes) where he got asked similar and the time frame just got drawn out. Naturally, that makes him wary. He also hates agreeing to something and then not fully committing, so wanted to be 100% sure he was going to stick to it. Together with some other concerns, it makes sense.

I fully trust he won't cheat. There has been an occasion in the past with her where he could have taken advantage but didn't on principle. His principles are rock solid.

that you think you'll be able to heal and grow while in that dynamic.

If my issue isn't the actual relationship dynamic but the circumstances I find myself in which currently make me extremely vulnerable, then time can provide the space I need for that.

It is a drawer I can shut for the moment, because it doesn't need dealing with right now, so I can focus on the things that do. Already it's making a huge difference.

To those saying jealousy is normal - not being goady here, but why? I can understand jealousy if a relationship is threatened, but in this set-up that's not an issue. And the times I have been jealous with partners in the past were that: cheaters who left for the OW, secrecies around our relationships which made me think they weren't being serious.

Neither apply here.

wow, that rationalisations you're constructing here, you're really colluding in the erosion of your sense of self here.

I still don't think this is a good scene OP.

By leaving when you asked for time, that was like a 'mock execution.' It was designed to make you feel anxious/sad so you're then relieved when asking for what you wanted didn't end the relationship after all, but you've been sent the message that if you ask for stuff or don't let him have a shag with someone else when he wants it, he might leave.

You say he says this woman is just for sex. But you know he wants a 'primary partner' (barf) in future and that will be more than sex, and will be a more serious relationship than what he has with you. You are expected to put up with that.

This relationship will be bad for your mental health, it'll exacerbate anxieties about rejection etc. You will think you really have issues when you actually don't have as serious a problem as you fear, it's just that you're involved with someone who makes you feel at constant risk of rejection. In that way, he will control what you do, by you feeling you have to do stuff to make sure he doesn't leave. I'm not saying he's doing much of that yet, but I think that's how it's going to go.

Look after yourself and please keep us updated. xxx

I can understand jealousy if a relationship is threatened, but in this set-up that's not an issue.

It is, because any other relationship he's having puts your relationship at risk. He could decide he prefers that partner, wants to spend more time with her.

The jealousy will maybe be intensified when he finds a 'primary partner,' so you know you're second best, and you're sitting alone while he's with her.

There has been an occasion in the past with her where he could have taken advantage but didn't on principle. His principles are rock solid.

OP I'm curious about this. What was the occasion? In what way could he have taken advantage?