Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Yet another date that went nowhere.

201 replies

UnaCorda · 03/08/2020 19:40

Aaargh. Had OLD #7,023 yesterday. I liked him. Of course he's not been in touch. He's not going to contact me, is he?

So fed up of this. I've been single forever. Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? Most people I know didn't even have to resort to OLD, and most of those who did seem to have got together with the first person they met.

I don't want to be alone forever. It sucks.

OP posts:
dafodilsunflower · 10/08/2020 19:16

Glad it's going well OP.

@Inadays - thanks for letting me know. I think Guardian Soulmates is either finishing or has finished

Enough4me · 10/08/2020 19:37

I have been with my partner for over 2 years having met on OLD and I was on OLD for over 2 years before we met. I went through more dates than I could count.

I found OLD fun, but also really stressful. I like to be in control in terms of knowing what is likely to happen so I knew that OLD would trigger anxiety and that I would mentally rush to fill in gaps rather than pace things out. I decided to assume that I would be unlikely to meet anyone on OLD for at least 10-15 years and that I would view the initial meetings more like interviewing them to find out who they really are. Setting a slower timeline and reducing my expectations meant that I reduced the amount I obsessed about the last message and what was said and what was really meant etc.

OP, you like each other and may be really suited, but try to pace this calmly and keep your mind busy with other things every time you feel anxious without due cause.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 13/08/2020 10:55

Well in case anyones's interested... We met for the third time last night (his suggestion). Had a lovely time, but he told me he's not looking for any commitment and doesn't want to have to "report" to anyone (despite his profile saying he's looking for something serious).

So I guess I just add him to the list of commitment-phobic men I've dated over the last fucking 15 years of being single. Angry Why is this so fucking hard? And always so bloody disappointing? AngrySad

OP posts:
coronaway · 13/08/2020 18:17

Sorry to hear that op. What that likely means is he doesn't want to commit to you. Men typically go out of their way to commit to women they want to.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 13/08/2020 18:18

@coronaway

Sorry to hear that op. What that likely means is he doesn't want to commit to you. Men typically go out of their way to commit to women they want to.
Thanks, that makes me feel much better. Hmm
OP posts:
Grrrpredictivetex · 13/08/2020 18:40

@UnaCorda

Well in case anyones's interested... We met for the third time last night (his suggestion). Had a lovely time, but he told me he's not looking for any commitment and doesn't want to have to "report" to anyone (despite his profile saying he's looking for something serious).

So I guess I just add him to the list of commitment-phobic men I've dated over the last fucking 15 years of being single. Angry Why is this so fucking hard? And always so bloody disappointing? AngrySad

@UnaCorda probably what he means is do you mind if Im not exclusive? People using DOL tell porkies for whatever reason. Don't give up. I met my husband at 51 and we married this January. X
lagerandcrisps · 13/08/2020 18:42

Sorry to hear that OP. It's happened to me too.

It's so easy for people to get something casual with OLD.

OLD can be brutal sometimes. You deserve better Thanks

Original poster
UnaCorda · 13/08/2020 19:08

@lagerandcrisps

Sorry to hear that OP. It's happened to me too.

It's so easy for people to get something casual with OLD.

OLD can be brutal sometimes. You deserve better Thanks

What makes it particularly annoying is that he said on his profile he was looking for something serious, "so as not to waste anyone's time"... Hmm
OP posts:
Original poster
UnaCorda · 13/08/2020 19:10

probably what he means is do you mind if Im not exclusive?

Yes, he mentioned wanting to date other people. I didn't bother to ask whether or not these were hypothetical people.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 13/08/2020 20:13

He's probably decided you are not the one for him but will do just now.

Mermaidwaves · 13/08/2020 20:31

OP I've lost count of the number of dates I've been on where their profile says they want a proper relationship, and during the chatting stage they say it again. However after a date or two they come out with the old 'Im not looking for commitment' line. I find myself eyerolling when they do this as its so bloody predictable Hmm I honestly think modern dating makes it too easy for men to just discard women for the next one. You are not alone!

Enough4me · 13/08/2020 22:12

OP your experience is not unusual and can be a knock to your self-esteem, even though he may have done this many times before. If you are feeling jaded by this it may be better to have a break from OLD and prioritise what you want to do: Where do you want to go, what do you want to learn, what group or individual thing makes you happiest?

OLD comes with stress no guarantees and should not be a main feature of your life, but something you can go back to when you want to enjoy the experience of meeting new people rather than setting your expectations too high.

LilyWater · 14/08/2020 00:05

To be honest OP, many of us saw this coming a mile off based on his initial behaviour (hence us trying to warn you but you didnt listen). If you refuse to take note of early signs and continue to pursue such men instead off binning them straight off, you will continue wasting your time with commitment phobic men while the good ones get taken I'm afraid.

TheGodmother · 14/08/2020 06:51

To be honest OP, many of us saw this coming a mile off based on his initial behaviour (hence us trying to warn you but you didnt listen). If you refuse to take note of early signs and continue to pursue such men instead off binning them straight off, you will continue wasting your time with commitment phobic men while the good ones get taken I'm afraid.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, but as lillywater says this isn't a surprise to anyone who has experience of OLD.

If someone is interested in you they will text ASAP and ask to see you. Please make this a lesson learnt. You are worth so much more than this.

You must have read the thousands of posts by women who are in abusive relationships. They ignored every red flag under the sun.

When you find a man who deserves you, it will be easy, no games, no stress.

He's the one with the problem not you, shrug it off "his lose" and move on!

Good luck OP

Original poster
UnaCorda · 14/08/2020 09:39

@LilyWater

To be honest OP, many of us saw this coming a mile off based on his initial behaviour (hence us trying to warn you but you didnt listen). If you refuse to take note of early signs and continue to pursue such men instead off binning them straight off, you will continue wasting your time with commitment phobic men while the good ones get taken I'm afraid.
Well I'm delighted that you can benefit from my hurt and disappointment in order to feel smug and self-satisfied that you were right all along. Angry

Yes, I wrote first after the initial date, but he was in touch nearly every day since and suggested both our subsequent meetings. He gave a pretty convincing impression of being interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnaCorda · 14/08/2020 10:12

FWIW I've had several experiences where the man has initiated contact soon after the first date and they've still turned out to be compulsive liars who couldn't commit to anything, and who ghosted me. Whereas both my best relationships had a slightly shakey start in terms of reliability and commitment.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnaCorda · 14/08/2020 10:13

You must have read the thousands of posts by women who are in abusive relationships. They ignored every red flag under the sun.

Nice bit of victim-blaming there. Hmm

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 14/08/2020 11:30

@UnaCorda I agree with you, some men can appear all keen and interested and still turn out to be twats. Sadly there doesn't seem to be a magic formula to work out who has decent intentions. I do empathise I really do because I've been in your situation and its so disheartening.

Saltandvinegar86 · 14/08/2020 11:37

OP I Really hope you are ok. OLD can work for some people but for others it is just absolutely soul destroying. Some men just see it as a way of getting women/sex that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to. Sadly the power balance does seem to be tilted towards the man- I have no idea why. Look after yourself- that’s what I’m trying to do x

lagerandcrisps · 14/08/2020 14:11

Yes, I agree, it can be soul destroying. It's also so disappointing when you've been on so many dates and you finally find someone you like.

Better to find out how fickle they are on the third date than to have a fling. Those can really hurt if you are emotionally involved.

Hope you feel a bit more cheery today Thanks

Legallybleachblonde · 14/08/2020 14:40

Hi OP. Another online dater here - been doing it on and off for two years. Think I've heard (and seen) it all now. It is soul destroying at times and I have been in your situation but there is no point trying to work out why he changed his mind. I'm sure he really liked you but maybe the spark just wasn't there for him and he couldn't bring himself to say it - who knows. I think things should be taken with a pinch of salt, especially when you don't really know the person. I'm sure the perfect one is out there somewhere for you, you've just got to keep trying.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 14/08/2020 16:12

@Legallybleachblonde

Hi OP. Another online dater here - been doing it on and off for two years. Think I've heard (and seen) it all now. It is soul destroying at times and I have been in your situation but there is no point trying to work out why he changed his mind. I'm sure he really liked you but maybe the spark just wasn't there for him and he couldn't bring himself to say it - who knows. I think things should be taken with a pinch of salt, especially when you don't really know the person. I'm sure the perfect one is out there somewhere for you, you've just got to keep trying.
I don't think he did change his mind - I don't think he was ever looking for something serious, and I'm not at all surprised given what I now know about his life (fairly recently separated, going through a tricky divorce including court hearings abroad, two children he's very involved with, a job he's been in for less than six months...).

There definitely was a spark, but that's not enough on its own. To use a cheesy analogy, the spark is just a seed and it has no hope of growing without water, sunlight, etc.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 14/08/2020 16:47

I don't understand why so many people go on dating sites, you get a few facts and figures on screen, and that's it. Its like looking through a mail order catalogue, and choosing something that might not fit or work properly when it actually turns up. !

amiascrazyastheysay · 14/08/2020 16:54

@UnaCorda could you try something different to meet men (I know it's hard with Covid) but maybe tag rugby, or a hiking group. Or something that you'd enjoy where there's also single men? Also asking friends if they've any single guys they could set you up with?
I don't think this guy turning you down is a reflection on you, but more so him
And what's going on in his life. So try not to wear it (easier said than done)

Sierramike · 14/08/2020 17:46

There will be more dates with men whose head is not in such a tangle.

He's probably looking for an ego boost.