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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Yet another date that went nowhere.

201 replies

UnaCorda · 03/08/2020 19:40

Aaargh. Had OLD #7,023 yesterday. I liked him. Of course he's not been in touch. He's not going to contact me, is he?

So fed up of this. I've been single forever. Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? Most people I know didn't even have to resort to OLD, and most of those who did seem to have got together with the first person they met.

I don't want to be alone forever. It sucks.

OP posts:

Crystalspider · 05/08/2020 20:32

The evening is not over yet though, you could get in touch if he last messaged you?
You are very anxious about this, if you want the conversation to flow, then start it, if he's really not interested he will stop altogether or let you know.

Or find something to occupy yourself so you aren't thinking about it and hope if he likes you enough he will chase you.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 20:37

You are very anxious about this, if you want the conversation to flow, then start it, if he's really not interested he will stop altogether or let you know.

Yes, I know I am. Because I keep meeting men who show enough interest to muddy the waters, and then mess me around.

How exactly am I supposed to become less anxious if every dating experience I have is stressful, frustrating and ultimately disappointing?

OP posts:

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 05/08/2020 20:51

OP a few years ago I had a few non chemistry dates with someone. After the third an entire week went by and I heard nothing, then he messaged full of apologies saying he'd been "busy". I replied with this:

"Hi John. I meant what I said I don't want to rush into anything. But at the same time I do expect a certain level of interest and to go this long without hearing from someone just doesn't do it for me. So I won't be arranging to see you again. No hard feelings".

He replied and said he knew I was right deep down. We parted on civil terms he wasn't a bad guy. Around three years later I was bored and looking up old flames on Facebook and I thought of him... he had just bought a house with his new girlfriend and his children were clearly now like brother and sister to her children. I would bet my life savings he didn't wait a whole week to tell her how lovely he thought she was, because she was on his mind and he wouldn't have wanted someone else to take his spot. She was right for him, I wasn't.

This guy isn't the one for you... but the next one might be. So cut him loose and stop wasting your energy on someone who doesn't see your value x

Welshgal85 · 05/08/2020 21:05

I think you are spending a bit too much time thinking about this guy after one date. Don’t give him the headspace! You’ve left it for him to contact you if he wants to meet up again, so just see what happens. If he wants to he will follow it up with you, if not then he won’t and just move on from it all.

It may be that he will contact you later or tomorrow and if he does that’s fine, I think a day or two between messages is fine so try not to read too much into it if he doesn’t reply right away, he may just be busy!

Bunnymumy · 05/08/2020 21:10

Because dating shouldn't be a big deal. You go out, you meet someone and you have a fun time and if it turns into more then brilliant. If not, they weren't the one for you.

I get that it can be disheartening when you've had a string of time wasters or wankers but it shouldnt be putting you in a state of anxiety. If you cant have a date without freaking out that they haven't been in touch after it steaight away then you're gonna have to toughen up. It isn't a walk in the park. You gotta develop a thick skin unfortunately.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 21:13

I think you are spending a bit too much time thinking about this guy after one date. Don’t give him the headspace!

I've been fine most of today, but it's just hit me again. Either a message to touch base today or firming up plans to meet would have been sufficient, but this waiting around is not my idea of fun.

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 05/08/2020 21:18

Arrange a date with someone else on online dating maybe? Chat to someone for a day or two just then ask them. You wont have time to worry about one guy if you're seeing a couple more :)

Original poster

UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 21:19

@Bunnymumy

Arrange a date with someone else on online dating maybe? Chat to someone for a day or two just then ask them. You wont have time to worry about one guy if you're seeing a couple more :)

Yes, that makes sense. No-one else has written back though!

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 05/08/2020 21:23

Hmm..widen your search area maybe. Maybe change your profile pics up a bit. Or try a different site.

I dunno if increasing the dating increases chance of success but it makes it easier not to fixate on one person.

blue30 · 05/08/2020 21:24

I thought 3 days was industry standard for a post date follow up?

Welshgal85 · 05/08/2020 21:30

Don’t spend time waiting around for him because yes that isn’t fun! I think maybe try not to get so invested so quickly? People can have quite a relaxed approach to dating in the early stages, that doesn’t make them bad people, it can just be the way it is as it takes time to get to know people. He may message back, he may not. I completely get that it is disappointing if someone you like doesn’t get in touch as much as you’d like but this doesn’t always mean it is a personal thing against you, not everyone has their phone in their hand all the time. You’ve met once and maybe he is just busy but if not and he doesn’t get in touch then it’s just not meant to be!

Bunnymumy · 05/08/2020 21:34

That's what I thought too blue30 but maybe things have changed in the last few years because everyone seems to be saying they should be in touch the next day. I'd feel smothered with that personally.

I always found it tended to go: Date. Mid week contact to arrange next date and then that second date a few days after that. But I've mostly been out the game the past 4 year so...

I guess if you've been talking every day for a while on social media or something before it then it maybe changes things but I could never be arsed with that lol.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 21:36

I get that it can be disheartening when you've had a string of time wasters or wankers but it shouldnt be putting you in a state of anxiety.

I completely agree it shouldn't... I'd love to be able to be laid back about this dating lark.

I'm going to give it another day or so and then will probably write something along the lines of what @AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit said.

OP posts:

AnneKipanki · 05/08/2020 21:59

That sounds ok .
Another day , then what @AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit said.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 22:22

He's just written, FFS.

(Asked about my day and said he'd been in all day.)

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 05/08/2020 22:25

Do you think he was saying it in a deliberate 'I was free but I chose not to see you' kind of way? Damn it, now I'm analysing xD but if so he is maybe a bit of a wanker.

Crystalspider · 05/08/2020 22:32

I told you the evening was not over yet :)
He got in touch so assume he is interested

Original poster

UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 22:34

@Bunnymumy

Do you think he was saying it in a deliberate 'I was free but I chose not to see you' kind of way? Damn it, now I'm analysing xD but if so he is maybe a bit of a wanker.

Well I didn't think that until you suggested it!! (I agree that would have been very wankerish.)

I guess we could have met this evening after he finished work, but I wasn't expecting/hoping to.

OP posts:

Spinachfinger · 05/08/2020 22:39

I think he is interested. Just probably not into messaging much.

Welshgal85 · 05/08/2020 22:45

Agree with the above poster. He messaged yesterday and now has messaged again this evening, seems interested to me.

fortunacookie · 05/08/2020 23:10

Some people who are new to online dating (out of long marriages) I find don't seem to know the etiquette for online dating. Some guys I've known I didn't like to txt n preferred chat.

I am like you OP and anxious as hell so if he ain't a regular texter ...then it ain't gonna work for me and it's not right person

Mind you I've been single 8 years

Original poster

UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 23:25

Just had quite a long unbroken WhatsApp chat. Was nice and friendly and straightforward; he didn't try to turn it into sexting, didn't seem evasive about anything. Guess that'll do for now...

OP posts:

Stella8686 · 05/08/2020 23:34

Late to the post but I 100% know where you're coming from @UnaCorda

I've recently had a 'nice' date with a 'nice' guy. I like him. I would be willing to see where it goes 'I don't get fireworks but I'm attracted to him and he has a 'nice' personality.

It's just nice tho. There's no butterflies. I think it's the same for him. We arranged a second date that I initiated. He cancelled with a reason. I said 'no problem, let me know if you want to re-plan' he said he would. This was last Thursday. I messaged him yesterday to see if he got his 'issue' sorted. Nice text, nice reply. Asked me how I was.

I've mostly dated guys who are more arrogant/ confident. They will pursue you, then discard you. The 'nice' ones will string you along and let you down gently. It hurt and my head did exactly the same as you. I made excuses for him, gave him the benefit of the doubt. But I'm left with thinking

He's just not that into you.

Cliched. We had two dates RIGHT before lockdown. Same thing there. I have initiated the whole time. But he's very nice. Replies nicely with exclamations. He chats well. I'm either his back up or he's just letting me down gently.

I'm fine, it stung a bit but I'm chatting to a new guy. Most of all I'm glad that I did my best. I didn't pretend to be someone else or sleep with him and regret it. I had a nice time and if that's my take away that's fine. NEXT! 😁

Stella8686 · 05/08/2020 23:40

Should clarify. He cancelled last Thursday, last message said

Yeah, I will x

No reply so I checked on him and that he got his stuff sorted.

He replied and asked how I was.

I replied,

I'm good thanks, glad you are too.

That's the last message yesterday. So no re-arrangement for another week. He is on OLD (as am I but hidden profile) but I already had his number from earlier in the year.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 23:45

I feel better now that he's been in touch without me initiating it today. Maybe he's not mad keen, but should he be after one date? I dunno.

Anyway, we'll see. I'm trying to chill about it now. Expect I'll hear again tomorrow evening.

OP posts:

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